When a close relative comes out of the closet

[aceroraptor]

Just trying to get some pointers, do and don’ts from devout fellow Catholics who have had close relatives come out of the closet. How did you handle the situation and how did the relationship change. I have a close relative who is still has not come out due this persons Mother. The person who I believe is the partner has been a close part of our family lives and we treat that person as though that person were a sibling of our relative.

I have a small boy whose understanding about how babies come to this world is through a special hug and this child has no further curiosity about the subject.

 

[aceroraptor]

God bless you and thank you for coming here and asking your question!

You know, you really are asking (I believe) two totally separate questions. One, is how should YOU behave towards your family member and the other is how to handle this as a PARENT.

First, you should always be loving and handle things in a Christ-like way. You should never condone or support mortal sin but you should be kind and cordial and show kindness in all ways possible to your relatives and their friends.

As far as your son, it will be up to you as a parent when to discuss matters of sexuality with him, and especially when to expose him to overt homosexual behavior. That is a parenting decision you will make that will be in your child’s best interest based on his development.

God bless you hope this helps a little.

Thank you and the Lord be with you. Pretty much they are separate questions however they are to address a same issue. The cordial approach is my planned approach because this is a close relative and the likely partner is a person we treat like family. My son knows them as the Aunts. We have a sort don’t ask don’t tell position because it would be strange to ask this relative their orientation and the current status quo works fine.

It just it hard to understand the complexities that if/when this comes out in the open that this entails while maintaining our family’s Catholic beliefs. It is a sin under the tenets of the Christian faith. While on the other hand popular society celebrates these types of unions. It looks like difficult waters to navigate.

 

[Antigeist]

As long as a person makes your relative or friend - whoever it might be - happy, and they know they really want to be with this person, then what does their gender matter?

 

[Rau]

As long as a person makes your relative or friend - whoever it might be - happy, and they know they really want to be with this person, then what does their gender matter?

Is that what you have learned as a catholic?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

This does not just apply to Catholics by the way, I would also caution strict vegans not to bring their children to a BBQ rib festival at a tender young age! When they get older and more mature children are able to understand diversity better but when children are very young sometimes those things are just plain confusing.

Actually, I’m a vegan, and I would absolutely take my child to a BBQ festival if we had a reason to be there, such as a family function, to watch a musical performance, or even just to hang out with friends who would be going. I think that one of life’s basic lessons is that you can only control you, no one else, and that the world is not going to change to fit your sensibilities. That’s a lesson that is never too early to learn, but unfortunately, one that too many people never have.

Think about it, even if I sheltered my child perfectly, by the time they’re 5 they are going to be in school. There they will meet hundreds of other kids who all have different backgrounds, families, values, and habits. They will also make friends, witness how other families work, join sports or clubs, and start interacting with the world on their own.

So the best I can do is teach them how we eat, what our values are, and how to live as a vegan in a very animal product heavy culture. They will either accept this, or reject it. But keeping them away from animal products until they are “old enough to understand” would be impossible and a disservice to them.

Guess what, your child may end up sitting next to a little girl with two daddies on her first day of preschool.

 

[Rau]

Actually, I’m a vegan, and I would absolutely take my child to a BBQ festival if we had a reason to be there, such as a family function, to watch a musical performance, or even just to hang out with friends who would be going. I think that one of life’s basic lessons is that you can only control you, no one else, and that the world is not going to change to fit your sensibilities. That’s a lesson that is never too early to learn, but unfortunately, one that too many people never have.

Think about it, even if I sheltered my child perfectly, by the time they’re 5 they are going to be in school. There they will meet hundreds of other kids who all have different backgrounds, families, values, and habits. They will also make friends, witness how other families work, join sports or clubs, and start interacting with the world on their own.

So the best I can do is teach them how we eat, what our values are, and how to live as a vegan in a very animal product heavy culture. They will either accept this, or reject it. But keeping them away from animal products until they are “old enough to understand” would be impossible and a disservice to them.

Guess what, your child may end up sitting next to a little girl with two daddies on her first day of preschool.

Interesting approach. Do you control your child’s access to TV, and the particular programs?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Interesting approach. Do you control your child’s access to TV, and the particular programs?

I don’t have kids yet, but I will probably take the same approach that my brother uses with his kids, which seems to work a lot better than what my mom did with me. (She was pretty restrictive)

I don’t plan on sheltering my children from things that they will see in every day life. Rather, I want to work to put those things into context. I wouldn’t keep my child away from meat, never discuss it with them, and then send them into the world expecting them to never encounter it. Granted, homosexuality isn’t as common as meat, but between all of the gay public figures, private citizens coming out in droves, gay fictional characters, etc. you get the point. (Even ‘ParaNorman’ had a gay character)

Anyway, as far as media access goes particularly gory, frightening, disturbing, or violent images will be kept away until my child is ready for them. But most kids aren’t faced with gore while sitting in school or going to soccer practice. Same with hard drugs. Alcohol is obviously different, because it’s so present I want to explain what alcohol is, why kids don’t use it, and how it is used appropriately vs destructively. Sex that is portrayed as loving or emotional is not a problem, but anything ‘kinky’ or violent (rape) is obviously not ok for children.

Basically, I know that I can’t protect a child from everything. So what I can do is make sure that their first exposure to shocking, weird, upsetting, or even just complex things happens when I am there to help answer any questions or guide them through their emotions.

But I have a lot of gay friends and relatives, including a gay stepsister and niece. We just found out that one of my husband’s brothers is gay (though he isn’t completely out yet, he will be soon) and we have a lot of gay friends-some of whom are married with children. My child will be savvy about the issue. If your child isn’t, and ends up friends with mine, your child may get an important lesson on human sexuality from someone other than you before you even realize that’s a possibility.

 

[frobert]

Just trying to get some pointers, do and don’ts from devout fellow Catholics who have had close relatives come out of the closet. How did you handle the situation and how did the relationship change. I have a close relative who is still has not come out due this persons Mother. The person who I believe is the partner has been a close part of our family lives and we treat that person as though that person were a sibling of our relative.

I have a small boy whose understanding about how babies come to this world is through a special hug and this child has no further curiosity about the subject.

I am answering as a gay Catholic man. As to my devotedness you would have to ask my pastor. Once your friends come out the relationship may change but does not need to change drastically. My family was accepting of my sexual orientation and were always courteous to my friends, they never inquired about any of my friends’ orientation or if I had any sexual relations with any of my male friends. They knew that I was aware of church teachings as I went to a Catholic school and a Catholic college for part of my education so thankfully I did not get any lectures. My parents and older sister have passed on and I maintain a close relationship with my brother and younger sister and their children.

You are concerned about your young son. When he begins to ask questions answer them honestly, try to answer the questions appropriate to his age. Don’t be shy about asking your pastor for help. Learn from your own readings and from you pastor or spiritual adviser of what the church teaches about sexuality and why. When appropriate share what you have learned and know with your son. Since you will know the church teachings on marital sex and sex that precludes the potential for life you will be able to convey this to your son.

I know some people on here will express dissatisfaction with what I saying and they should give their views which you can then supplement with your own readings and discussions with your spiritual adviser.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I respect your point of view. In all honesty, really none of us has “the answer” I would suggest that we are all just offering our opinions based on our own childhoods and our own child rearing experiences. Some people have the philosophy that the more you expose your child to, the better…and others believe that the more you shelter your child from, the better. Both child-rearing-approaches have their advantages and disadvantages. Clearly you believe that in sheltering your child you are doing them a disservice which is a pretty strong word. I would offer that exposing them to too much would also be a disservice, but just what is “too much” is anyone’s opinion I guess.

I, too have opinions based on my own childhood and my own life experiences. While you were raised in a strict environment that seems to have impacted you…I have seen first-hand what living in a less-structured way can do to some children and that when parents say one thing and the children see the opposite in the world it is confusing for them. The children are going to be confused by the world eventually anyway, we all are…some of us just want our children to have as many years as possible to build a solid foundation before they get slapped with contradictions, then we believe they can handle them better. I know you won’t agree with my point of view but hoping we can have a dialogue here without criticizing one another as really all of us are trying to do what we believe in our hearts is the best for our current and/or future chidlren. Please take care.

I wasn’t raised in a particularly strict environment at all. But my mom was a bit protective when it came to media, particularly when it came to sex. But I would be willing to bet that by CAF standards she was downright permissive.

Regardless, it’s your choice and your right to raise your child how you wish. But the fact remains that homosexuality is becoming more visible and accepted every day. Gay marriage is spreading rapidly and gays are becoming parents at higher rates every year. By sheltering your child, you are taking a huge risk that it is not your perspective and values that your child hears first. Just like you teach your kids to express and stand up for their beliefs, pro-gay rights parents do the same.

While you may have the luxury of hiding it from your kids, I very much doubt that my generation will be able to do the same with their kids. People in their 20’s overwhelmingly support gay marriage, and people in their teens show even higher rates of support. The people my age and younger will be raising kids in an even more pro-gay rights environment.

 

[Rau]

But the fact remains that homosexuality is becoming more visible and accepted every day. Gay marriage is spreading rapidly and gays are becoming parents at higher rates every year. By sheltering your child, you are taking a huge risk that it is not your perspective and values that your child hears first. Just like you teach your kids to express and stand up for their beliefs, pro-gay rights parents do the same.

While you may have the luxury of hiding it from your kids, I very much doubt that my generation will be able to do the same with their kids. People in their 20’s overwhelmingly support gay marriage, and people in their teens show even higher rates of support. The people my age and younger will be raising kids in an even more pro-gay rights environment.

It isn’t black or white - “expose” it to the kids or “hide it from the kids”. Children’s education in many things is “managed” by their parents - that’s part of the parent’s job. Concepts get introduced at the right time, and, as required, accompanied by parental guidance. Education about the reality of (homo)sexuality may or may not be best addressed by watching whatever is the popular sitcom on TV at the time.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

It isn’t black or white - “expose” it to the kids or “hide it from the kids”. Children’s education in many things is “managed” by their parents - that’s part of the parent’s job. Concepts get introduced at the right time, and, as required, accompanied by parental guidance. Education about the reality of (homo)sexuality may or may not be best addressed by watching whatever is the popular sitcom on TV at the time.

IMO-if my child is old enough to watch and understand sitcoms and they are being exposed to sexual subjects for the first time, then I screwed up.

That’s precisely my point. I don’t want my child learning about sexual matters from TV, the playground, or the bus. I want them to learn from me first, and I want them to grow up with knowing about sex as a normal part of life. I don’t want there to ever be a day where I have to finally sit down for “the talk”. Personally, I learned about fellatio (not by that name of course) during recess when I was in early elementary school. In 7th grade, my mom tried to have a sex talk with me. She was appalled and devastated that I had already learned so much, some of it correct, some of it misinformation, from everyone but a trusted, responsible adult.

Basically, if you don’t teach your child about sex, they will learn it elsewhere. That’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

 

[holyrood]

OP, I assume you came to a Catholic forum looking for Catholic advice?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Take it up with the mods. Passive aggression isn’t kind.

But you’ll note that I have not only stayed well within the forum rules, but I haven’t given the OP any advice contrary to the catholic faith.

 

[holyrood]

Take it up with the mods. Passive aggression isn’t kind.

But you’ll note that I have not only stayed well within the forum rules, but I haven’t given the OP any advice contrary to the catholic faith.

It wasn’t passive aggressive at all. I might say that a comment like ‘take it up with the mods’ is rather aggressive and unkind, too, so be careful about casting stones.

And in fact, there is nothing at all unkind about pointing out that an atheist is giving advice to someone who most likely came here seeking Catholic advice. I have not accused you of breaking any rules. I’m sorry you saw unkindness there, but it’s what you saw, not what was there.

Equating the morality of homosexual activity to the morality of eating meat isn’t exactly ‘Catholic’ thinking.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Equating the morality of homosexual activity to the morality of eating meat isn’t exactly ‘Catholic’ thinking.

I’m sorry you feel that way, but a catholic is the one who originally made the comparison.

I do think that in terms of parenting they make a good pair. Morality aside, it’s still a value that you are trying to instill in a child, even though society disagrees and will continually put the issue in front of your kid and push the view contrary to yours.