When a congregation rubs newcomers the wrong way

[CelticWarlord]

A caller to Dr. David Anders expressed a lasting interest in Catholicism but holds back because the Catholics she has met are not the type of people she feels comfortable around. Personalities, behaviour, and lack of charity are concerns she is having to deal with. Dr. Anders addressed the topic at length beginning at 2:20 on the timer.

 

[JoeShlabotnik]

Some folks are friendlier than others.

 

[Irishmom2]

How does the woman know what kind of “zeal” other people have that she bases her opinion of them on?
(Apologies for my poor grammar. )

It is wrong to judge others by the appearance one gives at mass. We have no way of knowing what the person sitting next to does when they walk out the door. And mass is not the place for social networking.

 

[mrsdizzyd]

It is wrong to judge others by the appearance one gives at mass. We have no way of knowing what the person sitting next to does when they walk out the door. And mass is not the place for social networking.

Well, yes. Of course! But, I feel for the woman. The cultural dissonance that one may feel when making the switch from a Protestant culture to a Catholic culture is, at times, staggering. And, it feels insurmountable at times.

Dr. Anders’ advice is solid, and I have found it to be true in my own experience. However, that doesn’t make the dissonance any less crushing at times.

 

[Irishmom2]

I suppose it is real for her, as it was for you. But let me ask you, has it changed for you now? Do you now understand what we are saying when people “defend” how Catholics supposedly are at mass?

 

[on_the_hill]

Well…it’s not a social club, that’s for sure.

I have a friend who is an Evangelical. She and her family are very closely intertwined with their congregation.

I, on the other hand, have been a Catholic my whole life and never thought of church as place to make friends and socialize. That’s not what it is, not why I/we are there.

 

[mrsdizzyd]

But let me ask you, has it changed for you now?

Do I better understand Catholic culture? Yes. Do I better understand the meaningful differences between mass and “Sunday Service”? Yes. I do. I am blessed to have met Catholics with a quiet but intense reverence and love for God and neighbor.

However, I often feel a sense of intense isolation. I feel like an outsider, and I’m actively involved in ministry at my parish. It’s like Dr. Anders’ said. I look different than most people I am around. I am a different age. I come from a different place and have different life experiences than most people I interact with. It is just plain hard to overcome all those differences and form meaningful relationships. It doesn’t stop me from trying, but that is just the reality of the situation.

 

[Irishmom2]

Thanks, @mrsdizzyd. I understand what you are saying. I hope that in time, that feeling fades for you and you feel like you fit in.

 

[TheLittleLady]

I just read a book

https://www.amazon.com/52-Churches-...580223994&sprefix=52+churches,aps,1691&sr=8-1

While I know the standard line is “Mass is for worship and not for fellowship”, I think we need to consider that many human beings are lonely in this world, many human beings need that feeling of welcome and community.

Most parishes can do a little bit more to be welcoming. In the book, the author suggests that Catholic Mass offer a “reference sheet”. Yes, there are missalettes, but, unless you are Catholic, they are confusing and the covers are not “Here is the book that will help you through the Mass”.

Inexpensive “Pew Cards” with the responses, prayers, can be purchased from Catholic publishing companies and might be that one tiny thing that helps. Our parish also has “Welcome Cards” that people are encouraged, in the announcements before Mass, to fill out.

Scripture tells us to compel people to come in, that means hospitality!

 

[Jen95]

As an adult convert, I also felt that certain parishes and people were off-putting. When I was starting RCIA, our pastor instituted a rule for his parish (after we had our daughter baptized), that parents had to be registered parishioners there for six months before baptizing any children, because he thought we weren’t serious about joining the Church. I think he thought we just wanted the parishioner discount for the school.

 

[Irishmom2]

It’s been known to happen. I hope all is well now for you Jen.

 

[OddBird]

The cultural dissonance that one may feel when making the switch from a Protestant culture to a Catholic culture is, at times, staggering.

I think I can guess what you mean, and I definitely sympathise. I can see also how friendliness is the default setting in some communities, particularly, in my experience, evangelical communities.

But I do wonder as well whether it is a Protestant/Catholic divide, or whether there are other factors at play (and maybe cultural factors as well, as I have never been to the US).

My upper-class, urban Protestant parish probably feels cold and unwelcoming to newcomers (because “we don’t go to church to socialize” ). On the other hand, I went to daily Mass for the first time in a parish I’m not familiar with today, and no less than three different people approached me to offer a ride back home at the end.

However, I often feel a sense of intense isolation.

I am so sorry. Loneliness is so hard.

 

[Jen95]

It is better, thank you. That was 12 years ago, and we have since switched parishes, and I think that priest knows we’re in it for the long haul!

 

[mrsdizzyd]

But I do wonder as well whether it is a Protestant/Catholic divide, or whether there are other factors at play (and maybe cultural factors as well, as I have never been to the US).

Oh, yes! There are many other factors at play. Race, ethnic origin, economics, social class, geographic location… I think that is Dr. Anders’ point.

 

[GemmasGirl]

As another adult convert, I agree… I grew up in a church setting where it was impossible to go to church without being invited to go to someone’s house to eat lunch. The women purposefully put extra food in the oven just so they could bring any visitors home with them. Sometimes multiple people asked you, and you had to pick. I realize that is extraordinary, even for a protestant church, but really, what do Catholic’s have against potlucks? I haven’t seen a single potluck listed in any church announcements the whole 2 years we’ve been attending Mass.
I understand that Mass is not a social gathering, but so far the only real friends I’ve made as a Catholic have been the sisters at my monastery and 2 Indian priests (my parish priest and a monk who is also my confessor)

 

[tad]

What I like about Catholics is that when I finally showed up at their Church they had enough sense to leave me alone.

I believe community is an inevitable by-product of conversion and I’m immersed in mine, but when I first hit the doors of my parish I wasn’t there looking for friends.

 

[sainteriksrose]

Your parish doesn’t have pancake breakfasts and spaghetti dinners sometimes?

 

[mrsdizzyd]

Thanks, @mrsdizzyd. I understand what you are saying. I hope that in time, that feeling fades for you and you feel like you fit in.

Thanks. Yes, I hope so as well. I’m certainly doing what I can by getting involved in parish ministries. I’m also trying to reach out to those who may feel as isolated as I do. It’s a work in progress.

 

[BartholomewB]

I, on the other hand, have been a Catholic my whole life and never thought of church as place to make friends and socialize. That’s not what it is, not why I/we are there.

It’s not just a Catholic thing. On Anglican websites I constantly see posters making exactly the same complaint about being made to feel unwelcome. In both cases, then, there are some people who go to whichever church it is in the expectation of, as you say, making friends and socializing, but the majority evidently don’t. A single person who has recently moved to a new parish will understandably have different expectations than a married couple who have been attending the same church together for several years.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

the Catholics she has met are not the type of people she feels comfortable around.

I’ve had this problem with a lot of Catholics my whole life. It’s not so much a specifically “Catholic” problem as it is a “church people” problem. Many people who are very active in their church, Catholic or not, may not have personalities or interests (other than church) that jive with mine.
They also may disapprove of a lot of things that are not forbidden by the Church but that they personally just don’t like (examples: tattoos, certain types of music, etc.)

I’m sure some other people are uncomfortable with the politics, either left or right, that other Catholics they meet at church might express. I am in prayer groups that pray for President Trump every week. Some of them are doing it because they always pray for the President and prayed for Obama too; others are praying specifically for Trump because they think he’s under attack. I can just imagine how some of my friends would react if on their first visit to a Catholic church they encountered a prayer group all praying for President Trump to be protected from the devil or whatever.
I know back in the early 1980s I had trouble visiting some Catholic churches which were so left wing that if you weren’t going on anti-nuclear marches once a month or volunteering in some poor downtrodden area every week, you just didn’t “fit in” and could even end up feeling like a “bad Catholic” because you had other priorities in life than going on these constant activist outings or dedicating your life to working with the impoverished.

I’m not coming to church to feel comfortable around other people, I’m coming for Jesus.
Also, it’s been a challenge to encourage me to expand my “comfort zone” to include people I normally wouldn’t be choosing to hang around in other social situations, and see Jesus in them.