When a congregation rubs newcomers the wrong way

[TheLittleLady]

For us, potlucks are done inside groups (everyone is invited, for instance, all of the ladies are invited to the monthly women’s group potluck), because it is just not possible to arrange a potluck for 1,100 families. Just keeping that many dishes at a safe temp for as long as it would take to set up is a huge challenge!

We do have coffee and donuts with Father after the main Sunday Mass. We have Brats suppers and Pancake breakfasts and a huge party with authentic food on Our Lady of Guadalupe.

Simply coordinating these events takes a team of volunteers, have you volunteered to arrange a parish pot luck?

 

[Tis_Bearself]

How does the woman know what kind of “zeal” other people have that she bases her opinion of them on?

She doesn’t.
I’ve heard it said that the Catholic church in USA was heavily influenced by the Irish immigrants, and their conception of church was a quiet, interiorly focused experience. To those who are looking for people running around loudly witnessing and glad handing all the time, that’s going to appear as a “lack of zeal” when often the people are fairly devout, they just don’t show it in the way this new person is expecting.

 

[Glennon_P]

I’ve often thought that part of the issue is the parish structure. More so in years past, but still influencing things today, is the fact that you were assigned a parish based on geography (or language group). You didn’t go to a parish because of outreach by a particular person or group of people as many Protestant churches do, you went because that’s where you were told to go. In other words, many Protestant Christians self-select to be members of a particular church while many Catholics go because that’s where they’ve been assigned.

Further, many Catholics go to Mass because of obligation. Lacking the Sunday Obligation of Catholics, Protestants are far more likely to go to services because they want to. And by and large, people who want to go will be more outgoing.

Lots of assumptions here but I think those factors definitely influence how “friendly” a parish is.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

It would be just as easy for me to pick apart this woman as it was for her to pick apart the parishioners in her parish.

 

[CelticWarlord]

it’s been a challenge to encourage me to expand my “comfort zone” to include people I normally wouldn’t be choosing to hang around in other social situations

I understand this very well. Outside home and work I rarely open my mouth at all. At Mass it takes a concerted effort just to take part in the sign of peace. I do so on occasion but much prefer to just keep to myself.

 

[CelticWarlord]

It would be just as easy for me to pick apart this woman as it was for her to pick apart the parishioners in her parish.

To be fair, though, I think we are called beyond that. She has her shortcomings and doesn’t necessarily see that. The fact that she continues to pursue the Catholic faith tells me she is genuinely seeking help with the problem of being unable to find a tolerance level with certain personalities, which seem to be in the majority, at least in her own mind. The easy answer, which I came to myself several years ago, is not to judge the Church by it’s worst or weakest members. She has to mature toward that in her own time. Dr. Anders advice was sound, I feel, without being dismissive of what to her are very real issues.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

To be fair, though, I think we are called beyond that

Sometimes, throwing a bucket of ice water on someone is called for. Enabling someone in their stupidity isn’t necessarily the right thing to do, especially when they are the ones throwing barbs.

Just as this lady judges people publicly on a radio show, she leaves the door open for anyone to judge her. I believe I’m familiar with the type of person this lady is. I’ll try to be charitable here - she’s self-righteous.

BTW radio show lady, the “pearl of great value” isn’t your parish or its parishioners or its pastor. It’s the teachings of Christ, wisdom, God’s grace to see and hear…there are probably other ways to express it also. But it’s not other people, or even the way you perceive other people.

 

[BartholomewB]

… you were assigned a parish based on geography (or language group). You didn’t go to a parish because of outreach by a particular person or group of people as many Protestant churches do, you went because that’s where you were told to go. In other words, many Protestant Christians self-select to be members of a particular church while many Catholics go because that’s where they’ve been assigned.

Yes, that makes a lot of sense .I think you’ve nailed it. It would explain why Anglicans often say the same thing. They, too, normally go to the parish church in the place where they live. The parishes aren’t competing with one another to see who can attract the most recruits.

 

[CelticWarlord]

I believe I’m familiar with the type of person this lady is.

I was intending to leave you with the last word, my friend, but I feel I must respond to this one line. I would say exactly the same thing, that I feel I’m familiar with this type of person. But in saying so, the lens through which I view people is very different, I strongly suspect, than your own. Neither of us right or wrong, I should point out, but merely see and interpret life differently.

Having suffered most of my adult life with mental illness, what I recognize in this lady is someone like myself; someone who is so nervously and emotionally sensitive that she cannot help but be dragged into an abyss by any but the most positive, and obviously positive, people. She is, if I judge correctly, easily defeated by criticism and correction and, as such, takes upon herself much of what is not directed at her. In her parish she feels surrounded by people who are far from the support she desperately seeks.

Now, having said that, I grant that you may well be right; that she is nothing more than a selfish brat whose world is supposed to populated with rainbows and ponies. But I’m willing to accept that she might possibly be more along the line of someone like me. In which case I believe the best thing for both of us is to pray she will find strength for whatever it is that keeps her from finding happiness within the Church.

Okay, that’s it for me. Blessings.

 

[john3]

I am lucky. The Church I started going to was very warm, I am in RCIA class now learning about the Catholic religion.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

I should be more charitable. I get what you’re saying about people and their defense mechanisms. And if the person has an illness, or a personality disorder, then they probably shouldn’t be called self-righteous. Which is no doubt why Dr. Anders still has his job. He probably sees these possibilities in every caller.

Going off on a tangent - I once read that we should be charitable to people who lash out, or act out, whatever you want to call it, because they are dealing with something that’s a burden.

 

[CelticWarlord]

I once read that we should be charitable to people who lash out, or act out, whatever you want to call it, because they are dealing with something that’s a burden.

I can certainly agree, but it is very difficult, make no mistake.

 

[GemmasGirl]

Not a single such event… We did go to a to Inge that wastechnically for the parish school, but our school is over half non parish members… The only social gatherings I’ve seen are the parish festival and the fish fries… I don’t understand why, but none of the parish in the diocese have coffee and donuts.
I have joined the choir, and am (slowly) making inroads…
I don’t think it’s helped by the fact that it’s a small country parish and almost everyone else is related, two or three times over…

 

[Irishmom2]

We have coffee and donuts once a month. It’s a nice time after mass.

 

[JanR]

As an adult convert, I also felt that certain parishes and people were off-putting. When I was starting RCIA, our pastor instituted a rule for his parish (after we had our daughter baptized), that parents had to be registered parishioners there for six months before baptizing any children, because he thought we weren’t serious about joining the Church. I think he thought we just wanted the parishioner discount for the school.

I wonder who would be responsible if, after he initiated that rule that no child could be baptized until the parents were registered with the parish for six months, one or more of those unbaptized children died in the interim? They would have died unbaptized not because the parents chose not to baptize them, but because they weren’t allowed to baptize them prior to the end of the six month period. On whose conscience would that fall? On whose soul would that sin be? Certainly not the parents!

I think pastors should be very careful about imposing that rule, as it prevents parents from being able to clear original sin from their children’s souls through no fault or choice of their own. What could be the eternal spiritual consequences of that for both the unbaptized child AND that pastor?

I also have a problem with pastors assuming (judging) that converting parents “aren’t serious” about becoming Catholic and only want discounts. That’s rather presumptuous, in my opinion.

Yes, the pastor has the right to make the rules – but I feel that all of the ramifications and repercussions should be carefully considered before a rule that can adversely affect a person’s soul is imposed. Pastors are supposed to help people get to heaven, not hinder them!

 

[HomeschoolDad]

Traditional Latin Mass venues can be very “social”. Typically, especially where the church or chapel is smaller, you have people coming together all for the same purpose, and they have made a conscious decision to be there (and not somewhere else) for more or less clearly defined reasons. The lifestyles of TLM adherents tend to be various flavors of conservative to ultra-conservative.

Not advocating this, but where the chapel operates without the permission of the Church, the “cohesion factor” tends to be even tighter — it is basically “us against the world”. You have every counter-cultural philosophy imaginable — monarchists, John Birchers, sedevacantists, “Siri thesis” adherents, alternative health advocates, conspiracy theorists, (sadly) anti-Semites, apparitionists, you name it. Gets interesting sometimes.