When A Couple Doesn't See Eye to Eye

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My boyfriend, who is a very devout Christian returning to the Catholic faith, has been raised in an environment where artificial contraception is not suggested, it is expected. We have been discerning marriage and on most matters are in full agreement. We agree that Christ needs to be at the center of our relationship and he has a great devotion to Our Lady and St. Joseph.

However, I have tried to explain to him my understanding of NFP, the pros of it physically, spiritually, & theologically, within the context of the Catholic understanding of the Sacrament of marriage. He says that he wishes to have children someday but he is adament about limiting the number of children and has been “informed” by family members in the medical field that NFP has errors and is highly ineffective. However, everything that I have read indicates that when properly following the Creighton or “2 days Methods” are as effective as other forms of birth control. My questions are:
  1. How do I best introduce him to the philosophy behind NFP and contrast it with his anti-creation mentality and not insult him? Is it appropriate for a non-engaged couple discerning marriage to attend a class before getting engaged?
  2. Is this issue so fundamentally irreconcileable that we should not further discern marriage and break up? I know that he wants to learn more about NFP, but he is terrified that “it won’t work”…once again he has an entirely different values system pertaining to this.
  3. Could anyone direct me to useful secular links that support NFP’s efficacy? He is concerned that the only sources supporting NFP are biased and skewed.
Thank you!
-A Concerned 25 year old
 
Personally, I see this as a dealbreaker.

It doesn’t matter if NFP is 110% effective, he still has a mentality and value system that is contrary to the Catholic faith.

I would not pursue marriage with him until and unless – on his own-- he *embraces *the Catholic faith fully and reject contraception.

That doesn’t mean break up, necessarily, but it means he has to be transformed by Christ’s grace-- and that may take years and years.

I suggest you get info from www.omsoul.com and study it together.

But ultimately, the cumulative effect of a lifetime in a family with such thinking may make it impossible for him to truly value the things you do. Just be ready for that.
 
I have got to agree completely with 1ke here.

It is not completely clear from your post whether your boyfriend is Protestant. It does sound like he is so I am going to respond with that assumption.

I myself am single and I would never consider dating a woman who was not Catholic and who did not embrace, joyfully, all the Church has to teach in matters of faith and morals. That includes the teachings on ABC.

But that is not the position you are in.

This is a very serious matter.

But rather than try to cram it down his throat or cast him aside like yesterday’s newspaper, try to help him understand.

Here is the link to an audio presentation Christopher West gave. He is presenting Theology of the Body to a group of Protestants, “Theology of the Body: A Bold Biblical Response”. Get it here.

But, if he continues to insist on ABC, you need to let him know that he would be leading you into grave sin. If he really loved you, he would not want to just use you for his selfish sexual gratification. After all, that is what contracepted sex is. Nor would he want to imperil your immortal soul by making you consent to contracepted sex.

If that still does not have an impact, well that will put the two of you in a very difficult position, one I do not envy.
 
rpp said:
I have got to agree completely with 1ke here.

It is not completely clear from your post whether your boyfriend is Protestant. It does sound like he is so I am going to respond with that assumption.

I myself am single and I would never consider dating a woman who was not Catholic and who did not embrace, joyfully, all the Church has to teach in matters of faith and morals. That includes the teachings on ABC.

But that is not the position you are in.

This is a very serious matter.

But rather than try to cram it down his throat or cast him aside like yesterday’s newspaper, try to help him understand.

Here is the link to an audio presentation Christopher West gave. He is presenting Theology of the Body to a group of Protestants, “Theology of the Body: A Bold Biblical Response”. Get it here.

But, if he continues to insist on ABC, you need to let him know that he would be leading you into grave sin. If he really loved you, he would not want to just use you for his selfish sexual gratification. After all, that is what contracepted sex is. Nor would he want to imperil your immortal soul by making you consent to contracepted sex.

If that still does not have an impact, well that will put the two of you in a very difficult position, one I do not envy.
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I agree with the last two posts. Just two things, 1) if one spouse is using contraception, the non-contracepting spouse is not sinning by having relations, only the contracepting one is sinning. I have seen that stated numerous times on this forum. so if you were married, you would not be obligated not to have sex with your spouse who wants to contracept. 2) but since ABC is against church teaching, wouldn’t the use of it be a justifiable reason for refusing relations? so, if your spouse insists on contracepting, you may not be obligated to have relations.
(n.b i am not certain about #2 but I think #1 is accurate)

Personally, i would not want to have sex if my husband wanted to use a condom (see what i underlined in the quote)
 
The three major reasons for marital strive and divorce are money, sex and children, not in that order. I am very sorry you are in this position and I am sorry I cannot make you happy with my answer.

Your problem already includes three of the three, so, I must agree with the others.

I was married to a non-Catholic for over 20 years. At some time in a marriage you go thru money problems. Life would be easier if you didn’t have a child at that time, thus your different views on birth control will cause significant, serious emotional separation between the two of you at a time when your relationship can be very fragile. Who decides when the time is right to have a child?

Intimacy requires closeness and trust. This situation opens the door for him to begin distrusting you (is this really a safe time for intimacy?). The lack of trust could result in either one of you pulling away from the other.

Oh, and, by the way, NFP is exactly the same plan I used, from the fertility specialist, to try to have a child. One other thought, taking the (very important moral, life giving aspect out of it) birth control usually means that you, the woman, carry the physical, chemical, responsibility. Do you really want to do that to your body? One week the news says that the pill is good for you, then next week a different story comes out. Should someone who loves you ask you to do that when it is clear you don’t want to?

So, wait. Don’t get married, but don’t give up on him just yet. It sounds as if he is on a spiritual journey and may meet you soon on this matter.
 
Fidelia said:
I agree with the last two posts. Just two things, 1) if one spouse is using contraception, the non-contracepting spouse is not sinning by having relations, only the contracepting one is sinning. I have seen that stated numerous times on this forum. so if you were married, you would not be obligated not to have sex with your spouse who wants to contracept. 2) but since ABC is against church teaching, wouldn’t the use of it be a justifiable reason for refusing relations? so, if your spouse insists on contracepting, you may not be obligated to have relations.
(n.b i am not certain about #2 but I think #1 is accurate)

Personally, i would not want to have sex if my husband wanted to use a condom (see what i underlined in the quote)
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But, since she has been duly notified of his beliefs before marriage, wouldn’t this be cooperation on her part?

The way I understand it, some spouses change their minds, or come up against issues (difficult childbirth) or confess their true beliefs after the marriage vows, thus the other spouse is not culpable.

OP, are you not bothered by your boyfriends openly telling you he wants to restrict the number of kids he has with you? I don’t mean to say he has to want a bajillion of them…but doesn’t that sound a little conditional to you? Has he been completely honest with you about what he will do in the case of artificial birth control failing? Will he want an abortion, or for you to put your kid up for adoption?
 
As I recall, the marriage ceremony requires that the couple promise an openness to children. If one is fudging on that, I would ask how sincere are they on the other promises.
 
These are all very good points, but I do not think that I was clear with my explanation. My boyfriend is a baptised Catholic, raised in the Church, and a victim of extremely poor formation. We have spent a great deal of our relationship growing together in the faith. He is very much pro-life and opposed to abortion and wants to honor my wishes to never use artificial means of birth control. I have explained to him how NFP is more than a method -it is a lifestyle that is open to life and God’s will in the marriage covenant - how it deepens the respect and mutual self-giving of the spouses - and holds the couple accountable for maintaining honest communication and seeking God’s will in all aspects of the relationship. The very first time that we met my parents, it was a long drive, I played for him Christopher West’s talk on “Marriage and the Eucharist”. He was very touched by the talk and shared that he believed 99.9% of everything that was said in there.

The problem resides in that he needs more information and needs to learn the whole scope along with practical nuances of NFP. It is quite foreign to him and I am the only person (other than a co-worker of his) that has talked favorably about NFP with him. He has been raised to think that regulating births is “a responsible thing to do” not due to the financial aspect but due to the great responsibility that goes with being a parent. He wants to be a father, he wants to love his children as best as he can, and he wants to provide the best for them. I tell him that the best he can do is show his children a model of sacrifice, charity, and openness to God’s will. He’s shown that oppenness to God’s will in every other aspect of his life - through the career path he’s gone through, through the service he offers his parish community, and the sacrifices he’s made for his family. He is a very prayerful man, but for some reason, until he can sit down with a father who has embraced the Catholic teaching for many years on this matter, I think he will have fears and reservations.

Ultimately, he will not use a condom, he will not use artificial contraception, and he will not force or manipulate me. He has shown me in our dating relationship a model of purity, chastity, and love for God and honor for me. Why he has difficulty forseeing that into a marriage relationship and considering children, I do not know. He wants to go to NFP courses, and I have faith that when he does his heart will turn around because he’s not afraid to ask questions and more importantly he listens intently and processes everything. I guess I would say that he has a lot more questions than I have answers for and I wonder if it would be inappropriate to take him to courses for his own good…even if that meant that we did not get married, but so that someone who has the vocation to answer people’s questions like his might give him sound advice and teaching - unlike his catechists and parents.
 
Joe_Kelley said:
As I recall, the marriage ceremony requires that the couple promise an openness to children. If one is fudging on that, I would ask how sincere are they on the other promises.
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Openness to children, but there’s no stipulation as to how many. 🙂

This is something you’ll need to work out before icing the cake; I’d second talking together with a priest well informed on the practice of NFP (not necessarily the details, but on the philosophy and theology).
 
Thank you, these are all useful resources. We have been talking about meeting with a wonderful priest who’s solidly orthodox on these matters. It actually was my boyfriend’s suggestion that we do so. I think we probably should make that a priority rather than keeping putting it off.

Please pray for us as we try to work this out and that he learns the whole scope of what these differences means.
 
Thank you for the clarification and updates.

This sounds very promising. 🙂 It is wonderful to hear that he wants to learn more. Lack of information can be lead people to be doubtful or fearful about almost anything.

But I want to make a plug here for larger families.

I am one of six. Part of learning to get along with people comes from learning to get along with your siblings. Children from small families are used to getting nearly all the attention they want from their parents. Children from larger families do not always get that attention, so they often learn to be more patient as well. In addition, the older siblings often help mom and dad with the younger ones.

Sure, bug families have stress that small ones do not have. But when the kids are all grow, the family has more resources because there are more children. That will be very important when it comes time for mom and dad to retire. Even more important should one or both become infirm. There are more children who may be in a position to help.

Large families bring blessing that small families do not even know exist. I think having only one or two children does a disservice to children.

That is not to say you should have 20. Just accept the children the Lord brings to you. God has a way of helping to ensure that everything will work out. 🙂
 
] He has been raised to think that regulating births is “a responsible thing to do” not due to the financial aspect but due to the great responsibility that goes with being a parent.
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This is exactly what the Church teaches…
Ultimately, he will not use a condom, he will not use artificial contraception, and he will not force or manipulate me. He has shown me in our dating relationship a model of purity, chastity, and love for God and honor for me. Why he has difficulty forseeing that into a marriage relationship and considering children, I do not know.
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Can you expand on this? I thought originally you were concerned as he doesn’t like the idea of NFP and seems open to ABC. Now you are saying he won’t use ABC and is still wary of NFP, but somehow, he has a Catholic idea of spacing births? All of that is contradictory.
He wants to go to NFP courses, and I have faith that when he does his heart will turn around because he’s not afraid to ask questions and more importantly he listens intently and processes everything. I guess I would say that he has a lot more questions than I have answers for and I wonder if it would be inappropriate to take him to courses for his own good…even if that meant that we did not get married, but so that someone who has the vocation to answer people’s questions like his might give him sound advice and teaching - unlike his catechists and parents.
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I second what others have mentioned…get him introduced to Christopher West. His journey included a long and hard battle with birth control and NFP. www.christopherwest.com. Attending one of his seminars is enjoyable, romantic and fun. It can also be life changing.
 
A couple of points here.

I’m the youngest of seven children and would prefer to be open to having a large family and have never seen it as appropriate to assume a certain number: #1 because we don’t even know if we’ll be able to conceive any children (always a possibility), #2 we won’t know what God’s will is until we allow Him to show it to us, and #3 we won’t know how until we have a child or two or three, etc. how we are able to provide for them. Large families provide a lot of wonderful things that small families just cannot comprehend.

As for the use of ABC, my boyfriend would ultimately respect my wishes as his wife; however, begrudgingly at first. I’d prefer that he was as excited about NFP as I am. I’d prefer that his attitude was more formed totally to that of what the Catholic Church teaches. I’d like to provide him with the insights and lessons about JPII’s Theology of the Body and NFP that would eliminate any reservations, doubts or fears about having more kids than he’s able to provide for. It’s the lies that his family has told him that play on his fears and that makes him anxious. Hope that clarifies the seeming “contradictions”.
 
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