When a husband and wife disagree on when to stop growing their family

[Perian]

How do you handle a situation in which you and your spouse each have very strong, contrary feelings about the future of your family planning?

I feel extremely strongly that we are as “done” as faithful, NFP-practicing Catholics can be. Obviously, a surprise will be welcome with joy and love. That being said, I am committed to using this method, I have a great instructor, and honestly, if it came down to it, I’m willing to abstain as much as necessary. But, that’s not a choice I get to make by myself.

My husband wants more children. I see why, we make some pretty amazing little people. I don’t blame him for wanting more of this incredible love, especially because he works outside the home. He only gets a fraction of the time with them as I do as a SAHM.

His feelings are valid and good. But, also very theoretical. We have our struggles, like anyone else. He has an anxiety disorder and often is the cause of emotional turmoil at home. Our children notice and ask what’s wrong. He often acts like he’s sick of this period where the children are very young. He doesn’t like being held hostage by nap time, or having to be restricted to quiet home projects early on Saturday morning because the kids sleep until 8 or later. He’s impatient with the volatile emotions of toddlers and the neediness of babies. There’s just a lot that he’s not handling gracefully now, then we have the same conversation again-- “I’m not ready to be done.”

Meanwhile, I never leave work. I turn myself inside-out to love these children to the best of my ability. I’m trying so hard to give them 110% and be present to them, nurture them, teach them, pay attention to the details. And, you know, give them a sanitary place to live, clothes without baby blow out mustard on them, food that won’t kill them, and save something for my marriage at the end of the day so they never have to wonder if Mommy and Daddy like each other. It’s a lot. I love this life we have.

But, I am at my limit. I know that I am. For 1,000 reasons that I won’t belabor because it’s not necessary, I am done. This is the important part-- I, the primary caretaker, feel I have reached my limit and cannot do more without sacrificing the kind of mother I want to be.

I feel stuck in a hard place. I want this to be a mutual decision, but it seems like it can’t possibly be. I feel like my preference should take precedent because it’s my life that change more drastically, not his.

All this backstory to ask, who has been through something similar? How do you navigate this major decision?

 

[LittleFlower378]

I have a similar situation. I would like more children, my wife does not. We just purchased a bigger house, which before that she said that she would have more kids if it we had a bigger house. I can go on and on.

Did you say you work outside the home?

 

[Perian]

I have a similar situation. I would like more children, my wife does not. We just purchased a bigger house, which before that she said that she would have more kids if it we had a bigger house. I can go on and on.

Did you say you work outside the home?

No, I’m very fortunate to be able to stay home. I love it tremendously. I’m sorry you’re on the other side of the scenario

 

[PaulGH]

You said that your husband “wants more children” (plural), while you are “done” (which sounds quite final). Based on these quotes, it sounds as if you both are looking far beyond this month or even this year, and putting forth a plan for the rest of your fertile years, which depending on your age might be another 5, 10, or 20 years.

I would suggest instead that both of you take a step back from making such long-term plans, and instead, concentrate on questions like: What is God calling us to do this month? And do we have serious reasons right now to abstain from relations during the fertile period in this current monthly cycle? (If you do have serious reasons, maybe those same reasons will still be there next month, or next year, or in ten years – or maybe they won’t – but those are questions for another day.)

In other words, take things one month at a time. By doing so, you leave open the possibility that you may not have any children in the future, or that you may have one additional child in the future, or that you may have multiple additional children in the future, but without focusing on figuring out right now which of those possible futures will become reality.

By looking at the question this way, your husband may feel less discouraged, as he no longer hears the message that you never want to have another child. And you may feel less discouraged, by not having to hear that your husband wants you to take on the responsibility for not just one more child, but multiple additional children.

Both of you have time to discern together, and you don’t need to be in a hurry to know today what the next 10 years hold in store. Your husband doesn’t have to have all the answers as to how many more children (if any) are coming. And you don’t have to have all the answers as to whether the factors that make you feel “done” today might be different six months from now, a year from now, five years from now, or whenever.

Of course, this advice is much easier to say than it is to do. I realize that. But perhaps it might help a little.

 

[bitterhope]

You said that your husband “wants more children” (plural), while you are “done” (which sounds quite final). Based on these quotes, it sounds as if you both are looking far beyond this month or even this year, and putting forth a plan for the rest of your fertile years, which depending on your age might be another 5, 10, or 20 years.

I would suggest instead that both of you take a step back from making such long-term plans, and instead, concentrate on questions like: What is God calling us to do this month? And do we have serious reasons right now to abstain from relations during the fertile period in this current monthly cycle? (If you do have serious reasons, maybe those same reasons will still be there next month, or next year, or in ten years – or maybe they won’t – but those are questions for another day.)

In other words, take things one month at a time. By doing so, you leave open the possibility that you may not have any children in the future, or that you may have one additional child in the future, or that you may have multiple additional children in the future, but without focusing on figuring out right now which of those possible futures will become reality.

By looking at the question this way, your husband may feel less discouraged, as he no longer hears the message that you never want to have another child. And you may feel less discouraged, by not having to hear that your husband wants you to take on the responsibility for not just one more child, but multiple additional children.

Both of you have time to discern together, and you don’t need to be in a hurry to know today what the next 10 years hold in store. Your husband doesn’t have to have all the answers as to how many more children (if any) are coming. And you don’t have to have all the answers as to whether the factors that make you feel “done” today might be different six months from now, a year from now, five years from now, or whenever.

Of course, this advice is much easier to say than it is to do. I realize that. But perhaps it might help a little.

This is excellent advice.

 

[angell1]

You said that your husband “wants more children” (plural), while you are “done” (which sounds quite final). Based on these quotes, it sounds as if you both are looking far beyond this month or even this year, and putting forth a plan for the rest of your fertile years, which depending on your age might be another 5, 10, or 20 years.

I would suggest instead that both of you take a step back from making such long-term plans, and instead, concentrate on questions like: What is God calling us to do this month? And do we have serious reasons right now to abstain from relations during the fertile period in this current monthly cycle? (If you do have serious reasons, maybe those same reasons will still be there next month, or next year, or in ten years – or maybe they won’t – but those are questions for another day.)

In other words, take things one month at a time. By doing so, you leave open the possibility that you may not have any children in the future, or that you may have one additional child in the future, or that you may have multiple additional children in the future, but without focusing on figuring out right now which of those possible futures will become reality.

By looking at the question this way, your husband may feel less discouraged, as he no longer hears the message that you never want to have another child. And you may feel less discouraged, by not having to hear that your husband wants you to take on the responsibility for not just one more child, but multiple additional children.

Both of you have time to discern together, and you don’t need to be in a hurry to know today what the next 10 years hold in store. Your husband doesn’t have to have all the answers as to how many more children (if any) are coming. And you don’t have to have all the answers as to whether the factors that make you feel “done” today might be different six months from now, a year from now, five years from now, or whenever.

Of course, this advice is much easier to say than it is to do. I realize that. But perhaps it might help a little.

exactly this. NFP can be used for just causes, it doen’st have to be very serious reasons, just not trivial or frivilous

you both are trying to make large sweeping statements to a future where no one knows what will happen.

you feel at your wits end now with the children you already have. you husband has issues he needs to work on. i think it would be certainly a just cause to step back and take a break and focus on right now

 

[Xantippe]

How do you handle a situation in which you and your spouse each have very strong, contrary feelings about the future of your family planning?

I feel extremely strongly that we are as “done” as faithful, NFP-practicing Catholics can be. Obviously, a surprise will be welcome with joy and love. That being said, I am committed to using this method, I have a great instructor, and honestly, if it came down to it, I’m willing to abstain as much as necessary. But, that’s not a choice I get to make by myself.

My husband wants more children. I see why, we make some pretty amazing little people. I don’t blame him for wanting more of this incredible love, especially because he works outside the home. He only gets a fraction of the time with them as I do as a SAHM.

His feelings are valid and good. But, also very theoretical. We have our struggles, like anyone else. He has an anxiety disorder and often is the cause of emotional turmoil at home. Our children notice and ask what’s wrong. He often acts like he’s sick of this period where the children are very young. He doesn’t like being held hostage by nap time, or having to be restricted to quiet home projects early on Saturday morning because the kids sleep until 8 or later. He’s impatient with the volatile emotions of toddlers and the neediness of babies. There’s just a lot that he’s not handling gracefully now, then we have the same conversation again-- "I’m not ready to be done."

**Meanwhile, I never leave work. I turn myself inside-out to love these children to the best of my ability. I’m trying so hard to give them 110% and be present to them, nurture them, teach them, pay attention to the details. And, you know, give them a sanitary place to live, clothes without baby blow out mustard on them, food that won’t kill them, and save something for my marriage at the end of the day so they never have to wonder if Mommy and Daddy like each other. It’s a lot. I love this life we have. **

But, I am at my limit. I know that I am. For 1,000 reasons that I won’t belabor because it’s not necessary, I am done. This is the important part-- I, the primary caretaker, feel I have reached my limit and cannot do more without sacrificing the kind of mother I want to be.

I feel stuck in a hard place. I want this to be a mutual decision, but it seems like it can’t possibly be. I feel like my preference should take precedent because it’s my life that change more drastically, not his.

All this backstory to ask, who has been through something similar? How do you navigate this major decision?

You’ve laid out the differences pretty clearly here. Have you shared these thoughts with your husband? Have you asked him what his thoughts are on improving your quality of life?

Also, is your husband able to care for the children without you? If he isn’t, I would think that would be a pretty big mark against “more.”

 

[bjames1728]

OP, it’s pretty hard to tell from your intro, but really it sounds like you and your husband have some common ground already. From what you’ve said, your husband gets easily exasperated with the needs of children and is already out of sorts, so…

Something that’s missing in this discussion is what your husband’s underlying motivation is to want more. Is it out of true joy of having children around, or something else? For example, is he receiving external pressure (real or perceived) to have a large family? Does he bristle against the use of NFP? Only two possibilities out of many. It’s likely too much to unpack on a forum like this, but maybe it’s an important piece to work through. Possibly with a neutral third party to help you.

A last note: it’s not clear if you have older children or not. But I will say from experience it’s not just toddlers and babies that have volatile emotions. I’m sorry you’re struggling with this and pray for you and your husband.

 

[Perian]

You said that your husband “wants more children” (plural), while you are “done” (which sounds quite final).

…
(Clipped)
…

Of course, this advice is much easier to say than it is to do. I realize that. But perhaps it might help a little.

This is good advice, and it’s the exact advice my husband is urging me to take. This is the way he wants to approach this discussion-- not to close ourselves off to more and not to worry about it now.

The reason I struggle to let it go is because I don’t want him to be counting down the days in his mind until it’s time to try again, build up the emotional anticipation, and then be shocked and hurt when I may not feel differently. We have a great spacing that we like a lot, and I feel like I’m currently in a no-pressure period. But, one day not long from now, we’re going to enter that window in which we could achieve that spacing again. The spacing is not small-- not quite three years between children, so I fear that once his mental timer goes off, he’s going to have this horrible sense of urgency to keep the theoretical children from being too far apart in age. I fear the discussion will go from nothing to frantically trying to convince me that achieving pregnancy is a good idea. Meanwhile, my brain has been in staunch “nope” mode for two years.

What I need is for him to be emotionally prepared to hear “no” when the time comes, if I still feel the way that I do. That’s what I really want-- is to actually have the option to advocate for myself and make a decision about what I can handle and feel like my husband isn’t just waiting me out and wearing me down. That’s how I have my current little one… I knew I couldn’t outlast him and get away with my small brood. It was inevitable that I would give and so I did. This baby is the most darling angel, but when the going gets tough, I can’t help but think about how everyone else made this decision and I did not… and none of those people are here in the trenches with me to help.

Again, it really is very good advice and perfectly compatible with NFP. I don’t mean to be argumentative, just explaining why I’m afraid to just leave it lying in our private thoughts and turn into a big issue overnight.

 

[Perian]

You’ve laid out the differences pretty clearly here. Have you shared these thoughts with your husband? Have you asked him what his thoughts are on improving your quality of life?

Also, is your husband able to care for the children without you? If he isn’t, I would think that would be a pretty big mark against “more.”

Yes, we’ve talked quite a lot about what I struggle with, what he struggles with… somehow, the conversation always ends up as a discussion about how my mother doesn’t help enough (I think she helps as much as to be expected of someone who said during my first pregnancy, “I will NOT be a daycare”) and I need to be making friends with the old ladies in the neighborhood so they can come over to help me.

As if, among everything else, I have time to cultivate relationships with the four women on the street who don’t walk with canes, to the extent that I would feel comfortable asking them to help me with my children-- and then actually letting them.

It’s an absurd discussion every time, but I know why it happens. He feels so limited. He knows I don’t have enough help. He thought I would-- I knew I wouldn’t-- and he feels trapped because he has to be at work. He wishes he could give me the help I need and he perceives everyone else’s lack of generosity of time and energy as a factor that directly affects our family size. He’s not wrong. If I had help, I probably would have more children. But, I don’t, and I cannot sign myself up for more people to care for under the ASSUMPTION or even assurance that I’ll have help from people who are not parents of these children. That’s a recipe for disappointment-- lesson learned.

Hahaha, that’s a good point about whether or not my husband can care for them alone. It’s a thought experiment I entertain often-- switching places. I go to work, he’s thrown into Mr. Mom. No one would die, but he currently has a small fit if he’s left alone with the children for an hour and a half while I’m at my NFP instruction… it’s bad and he knows it. He’s self conscious about it and he doesn’t want to be that guy who falls to pieces trying to care for his own children. But currently… he kind of is.

 

[Perian]

OP, it’s pretty hard to tell from your intro, but really it sounds like you and your husband have some common ground already. From what you’ve said, your husband gets easily exasperated with the needs of children and is already out of sorts, so…

Something that’s missing in this discussion is what your husband’s underlying motivation is to want more. Is it out of true joy of having children around, or something else? For example, is he receiving external pressure (real or perceived) to have a large family? Does he bristle against the use of NFP? Only two possibilities out of many. It’s likely too much to unpack on a forum like this, but maybe it’s an important piece to work through. Possibly with a neutral third party to help you.

A last note: it’s not clear if you have older children or not. But I will say from experience it’s not just toddlers and babies that have volatile emotions. I’m sorry you’re struggling with this and pray for you and your husband.

We do have common ground about our frustrations! You’re right. Something in me just feels like it would be wrong to point out to him, in the middle of his anger-- or after-- “See? See what it’s like?! This is my life! Why are you trying to sign me up for more of this?!”

Maybe because it just doesn’t illustrate what a wonderful life with incredible children we have… we really are so abundantly blessed. I never want to act ungrateful by throwing those hard moments in his face…

But, at the same time… I want him to come to that conclusion. I want him to make that connection. If he can’t keep it together when something wild happens in the 4 hours he’s home while they’re awake, why should I have to add another child to my worn and weary journey, when 90% of these moments belong to me?

I think he wants more because he doesn’t get enough of the children he has. And he comes from a larger family than I do. “Family” in his mind looks bigger and, as the baby, he has a much smaller perspective on what it took to make that house run. He was the polar opposite family member to “mom” in terms of responsibility… the baby of the family is trying to sign this mom up for more babies, guys I’m struggling!

(Thank you for your prayers)

 

[Xantippe]

This is good advice, and it’s the exact advice my husband is urging me to take. This is the way he wants to approach this discussion-- not to close ourselves off to more and not to worry about it now.

**The reason I struggle to let it go is because I don’t want him to be counting down the days in his mind until it’s time to try again, build up the emotional anticipation, and then be shocked and hurt when I may not feel differently. **We have a great spacing that we like a lot, and I feel like I’m currently in a no-pressure period. But, one day not long from now, we’re going to enter that window in which we could achieve that spacing again. The spacing is not small-- not quite three years between children, so I fear that once his mental timer goes off, he’s going to have this horrible sense of urgency to keep the theoretical children from being too far apart in age. I fear the discussion will go from nothing to frantically trying to convince me that achieving pregnancy is a good idea. Meanwhile, my brain has been in staunch “nope” mode for two years.

**What I need is for him to be emotionally prepared to hear “no” when the time comes, if I still feel the way that I do. That’s what I really want-- is to actually have the option to advocate for myself and make a decision about what I can handle and feel like my husband isn’t just waiting me out and wearing me down. **That’s how I have my current little one… I knew I couldn’t outlast him and get away with my small brood. It was inevitable that I would give and so I did. This baby is the most darling angel, but when the going gets tough, I can’t help but think about how everyone else made this decision and I did not… and none of those people are here in the trenches with me to help.

Again, it really is very good advice and perfectly compatible with NFP. I don’t mean to be argumentative, just explaining why I’m afraid to just leave it lying in our private thoughts and turn into a big issue overnight.

That’s good that your husband just wants you to be open to the possibility.

If you’re feeling pressured, I feel like the monthly thing that other people sometimes mention is probably too often. Quarterly or twice a year might work better for you.

It’s not a huge tragedy to have widely spaced kids. My sister and I are 3.5 years apart and very close and my kids are 14, 12 and 4–it’s fine.

I think that’s a very reasonable thing to want him to be prepared to hear a no.

Can the two of you talk about this with a third party?

 

[Xantippe]

Yes, we’ve talked quite a lot about what I struggle with, what he struggles with… somehow, the conversation always ends up as a discussion about how my mother doesn’t help enough (I think she helps as much as to be expected of someone who said during my first pregnancy, “I will NOT be a daycare”) and I need to be making friends with the old ladies in the neighborhood so they can come over to help me.

As if, among everything else, I have time to cultivate relationships with the four women on the street who don’t walk with canes, to the extent that I would feel comfortable asking them to help me with my children-- and then actually letting them.

It’s an absurd discussion every time, but I know why it happens. He feels so limited. He knows I don’t have enough help. He thought I would-- I knew I wouldn’t-- and he feels trapped because he has to be at work. He wishes he could give me the help I need and he perceives everyone else’s lack of generosity of time and energy as a factor that directly affects our family size. He’s not wrong. If I had help, I probably would have more children. But, I don’t, and I cannot sign myself up for more people to care for under the ASSUMPTION or even assurance that I’ll have help from people who are not parents of these children. That’s a recipe for disappointment-- lesson learned.

Hahaha, that’s a good point about whether or not my husband can care for them alone. It’s a thought experiment I entertain often-- switching places. I go to work, he’s thrown into Mr. Mom. No one would die, but he currently has a small fit if he’s left alone with the children for an hour and a half while I’m at my NFP instruction… it’s bad and he knows it. He’s self conscious about it and he doesn’t want to be that guy who falls to pieces trying to care for his own children. But currently… he kind of is.

I would definitely raise that issue.

For me, that’s really the rock bottom minimum–that dad be capable of taking care of the older children while mom takes care of the baby.

We had a really vivid example of the necessity of this during my last pregnancy, because I had a series of complications (bleeding and bedrest and then physical restrictions during my second trimester, followed by gestational diabetes in my third trimester), and he wound up having to do 90% of the childcare and housework. There was a six month period where he and the kids did the laundry and I pretty much only did a little driving, a little verbal encouraging, answered a few school emails, and kept to my diabetic diet–and that was seriously all I did.

 

[Xantippe]

We do have common ground about our frustrations! You’re right. Something in me just feels like it would be wrong to point out to him, in the middle of his anger-- or after-- “See? See what it’s like?! This is my life! Why are you trying to sign me up for more of this?!”

Maybe because it just doesn’t illustrate what a wonderful life with incredible children we have… we really are so abundantly blessed. I never want to act ungrateful by throwing those hard moments in his face…

But, at the same time… I want him to come to that conclusion. I want him to make that connection. If he can’t keep it together when something wild happens in the 4 hours he’s home while they’re awake, why should I have to add another child to my worn and weary journey, when 90% of these moments belong to me?

I think he wants more because he doesn’t get enough of the children he has. And he comes from a larger family than I do. “Family” in his mind looks bigger and, **as the baby, he has a much smaller perspective on what it took to make that house run. **He was the polar opposite family member to “mom” in terms of responsibility… the baby of the family is trying to sign this mom up for more babies, guys I’m struggling!

(Thank you for your prayers)

Oooooh.

 

[bitterhope]

You may very well feel differently once the little ones are big ones instead. I don’t know how old your kids are or how many you have, but a three year space, although pretty big, isn’t huge. I have a neighbor that had three children spaced about the same as yours and she decided for sure she was done. Never wanted another child. Things were overwhelming. She had no help. Basically the same as you are feeling. She’s not Catholic so she got an IUD as a compromise with her husband. She wanted to get her tubes tied. Once all her kids were in school, the baby bug hit her. She has four more kids. They are 4, 6, 8 and 10. The older three are 17, 20 and 23. She has found how much easier the four younger, closer in age kids are than her first three were. Part of it is the older kids help. They enjoy having the little kids around and have the energy to play while mom cooks, runs to the store, or whatever. The oldest is married now and she picks up the little kids for movie dates and sleep overs. It really is different. I guess the point I’m trying to make is if a woman who has no opposition to sterilization is now so very happy she decided on the compromise she did and gladly has 7 children, there may very well be a day that you may breathe easier too. You may find a yearning for more children when yours are all bigger. Maybe you won’t. Just try to get past the “done forever” thinking and into the “done for now” mode instead.

As a mom of many, I encourage you to make your husband become more involved in the everyday stuff. I would hand off little ones when he gets home and then leave for the store, a walk, or just sit on the front porch. Don’t nitpick his way of doing things with the kids. He needs to find his own ways to parent. Assign chores for him to do, such as fix dinner or clean up the bathrooms. My husband has had to care for ours solo during hospital stays and such so I’m glad he’s a very hands on dad. Encourage your husband to be as well because one day he may need to solo parent too. As for his frustration and anger, it’s alright to point that out to him. He needs to know what you are experiencing. More time with his kids, particularly time alone where he is learning to find his parenting groove, will either help him get over that anxiety/anger, or it will help him accept that for now you are done.

 

[Xantippe]

You may very well feel differently once the little ones are big ones instead. I don’t know how old your kids are or how many you have, but a three year space, although pretty big, isn’t huge. I have a neighbor that had three children spaced about the same as yours and she decided for sure she was done. Never wanted another child. Things were overwhelming. She had no help. Basically the same as you are feeling. She’s not Catholic so she got an IUD as a compromise with her husband. She wanted to get her tubes tied. Once all her kids were in school, the baby bug hit her. She has four more kids. They are 4, 6, 8 and 10. The older three are 17, 20 and 23. She has found how much easier the four younger, closer in age kids are than her first three were. Part of it is the older kids help. They enjoy having the little kids around and have the energy to play while mom cooks, runs to the store, or whatever. The oldest is married now and she picks up the little kids for movie dates and sleep overs. It really is different. I guess the point I’m trying to make is if a woman who has no opposition to sterilization is now so very happy she decided on the compromise she did and gladly has 7 children, there may very well be a day that you may breathe easier too. You may find a yearning for more children when yours are all bigger. Maybe you won’t. Just try to get past the “done forever” thinking and into the “done for now” mode instead.

As a mom of many, I encourage you to make your husband become more involved in the everyday stuff. I would hand off little ones when he gets home and then leave for the store, a walk, or just sit on the front porch. Don’t nitpick his way of doing things with the kids. He needs to find his own ways to parent. Assign chores for him to do, such as fix dinner or clean up the bathrooms. My husband has had to care for ours solo during hospital stays and such so I’m glad he’s a very hands on dad. Encourage your husband to be as well because one day he may need to solo parent too. As for his frustration and anger, it’s alright to point that out to him. He needs to know what you are experiencing. More time with his kids, particularly time alone where he is learning to find his parenting groove, will either help him get over that anxiety/anger, or it will help him accept that for now you are done.

I agree with 99% of that, but I don’t like “Assign chores for him to do.”

Here’s how I’d do it. Let’s say the kids need to be watched or dinner made, and it really isn’t fair one one person to have to do both things while the other just chills. Ask him, “Would you like to be with the kids or make dinner?” and let him choose.

Edited to add: I want to agree with the idea that the OP’s husband needs to be prepared to step into the OP’s shoes–the odds are very high that at some point, she will not be able to perform her normal duties.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I’m not sure I agree with the advice of handing off little ones on a husband who has an anxiety disorder. OP what’s he doing to address the disorder? What triggers his anxiety?

For example, if he goes to work and then commutes home. Say driving is anxiety inducing for him (I know it is for me, I had a car accident a couple years ago) so if he’s all anxious from that, saying “Here’s Sally I’m going grocery shopping” might not be the best thing for him or Sally or you. You’ll feel that you won’t be able to leave him ever with the kids, and you’ll feel more resentment.

If he has an anxiety disorder, seeing things objectively is going to be hard for him.

I would really take this one day at a time. In my opinion, now your reasons to avoid are pretty serious. It might change in the future. But please, both you and your husband should not take his mental health for granted.

 

[Xantippe]

I**'m not sure I agree with the advice of handing off little ones on a husband who has an anxiety disorder. OP what’s he doing to address the disorder? What triggers his anxiety?**

For example, if he goes to work and then commutes home. Say driving is anxiety inducing for him (I know it is for me, I had a car accident a couple years ago) so if he’s all anxious from that, saying “Here’s Sally I’m going grocery shopping” might not be the best thing for him or Sally or you. You’ll feel that you won’t be able to leave him ever with the kids, and you’ll feel more resentment.

If he has an anxiety disorder, seeing things objectively is going to be hard for him.

I would really take this one day at a time. In my opinion, now your reasons to avoid are pretty serious. It might change in the future. But please, both you and your husband should not take his mental health for granted.

There is that–but then how to get him to realize where the OP is coming from, if he never has any substantial amount of time in her shoes?

Not being able to be with one’s own children for any length of time but pressing for more children is kind of weird.

Maybe that is something to talk about in marriage counseling.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

There is that–but then how to get him to realize where the OP is coming from, if he never has any substantial amount of time in her shoes?

Not being able to be with one’s own children for any length of time but pressing for more children is kind of weird.

Maybe that is something to talk about in marriage counseling.

I agree. He can’t be with them but wants more.

But at the same time he’s struggling with an anxiety disorder.

I had post partum depression after my oldest son was born. During all that I wasn’t even convinced I could keep the one son alive, let alone add more kids. I wasn’t me then.

I often wonder if my husband thought I’d never be me again.

I think that the anxiety disorder really needs to be addressed.

 

[Naskor]

I thought God fearing Catholics were supposed to let God decide the size of our families not us.