When a significant other considers religious life...(how to cope?)

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I’ve met a wonderful woman, we were drawn to one another through our faith. Months of great discussions, we continue to move forward and are able to talk comfortably about the future. Most people consider her my girlfriend, yet she also knows that I will ask when the time is right (for her to be my girlfriend).

The time to ask, (and she knows it too) was to be in a week. But she has just alerted me of a need for discernment for religious life, and that it wouldn’t be fair to me if she didn’t communicate this to me, and that because of this discernment, shes made it sound like its not time for a relationship.

What do I do now? Of course I want to be supportive, she knows (prior to meeting her) I had a duration of discernment in my own life regarding religious life but didn’t feel called. After meeting her, I felt God truly placed the best Catholic woman into my life. My family, friends… all feel like I’ve found a great person for me. We sound compatible, and from a faith perspective, I’ve not yet had the chance to be so happy with another person.

I want to be patient, but I know this isn’t a “let me think about it for a couple weeks” kind of decision.

What does a person in my shoes do now? I have a letter (reflections about the idea of “us”), nearly finished that I was intending to send to her until she communicated this information to me. What kind of space do I give her? Do I give her space? I believe she would make an incredible wife/mother…but I know we (Catholic Church) need people like her in our Church.

…to be honest, i feel awful and I don’t want to feel awful. I want to be happy for her, and if she were my sister or just a friend, I would be happy for her… but I feel selfish when I think that her discernment means a HUGE withdrawal out of my life.

Any advice? (a good book to read, a different way to look at this… I hope to talk to my priest soon with similar hopes as I do sharing this with this forum… your advice is so kind and wise)
 
You know I am going through similar feelings, except that I am the one thinking about the religious life. And frankly it is very difficult, I love my girlfriend so much, but at the same time I do believe that perhaps I have a calling (I have not really gone into a formal discernment). Like I have no problem with celibacy and stuff like that, and I think if she wasn’t in my life, I probably would pursue that path. Not that this is a measure of whether one should enter the religious life, but I have had friends and family telling me that I should enter it for years. In fact, the last few days I have been entertaining the idea of priesthood again, and it is a source of tension, because well when most people decide to enter the religious life, they are almost scolded by family members and friends in most cases. In some ways I almost feel though that she is my vocation that I am suppose to marry her and love her, we talk about the future, children, and everything.

I think the best thing is to be honest with her about your feelings, even if they hurt. Be supportive of her, because well you may be one of the few supportive people she has as she discerns. and just read 1 Cor 13 if you need support
 
Sir Anthony - I wish you much luck on your path of discernment. The part I think both you, and my significant other have in common, is that you are torn between to paths… but in one way, at least both parts are worthy causes. It sounds to me, you would probably enjoy either path. But for your girlfriend, and for me (this might sound selfish, but its just how I feel), it’s not so much a 50/50 win/win. On one side, I win. On the other hand, if she chooses religious life… I’m left with a feeling of loss. Now, who knows, maybe God has other plans for me…religious life of my own, or another woman who he feels is a better fit for me…

I can’t control life, none of us can. I’m sure you are sensitive to her feelings. I’m sorry there is tension, tension isn’t fun at all.

Again, good luck to you!
 
I know how hard this must be for you and I’ll pray for you. My personal advice would be to encourage her to get the process rolling and see if this is indeed God’s will for her. Use your knowledge of her to help offer suggestions for a suitable order and encourage her to schedule a meeting as soon as it’s convenient. If this is meant to work out then it’ll still workout after all this is said and done and you’ll be all the stronger either way.

Sacrifices like this don’t come around too often so offer it up for something good! 👍
 
As you’ve nearly finished that special letter to your friend, I would still give it to her as it can be part of the discernment process she is going through…respectfully making it clear though that you are putting that point of view only because it’s something you feel strongly about, not to force the issue or guilt her, but to allow her to think this aspect of life’s possibilities through.

In doing this you would also be doing justice to you own feelings, and if she still believes she is called to religious life, you have done the best you can, and won’t spend your life wondering… if you had only spoken to her about your feelings. You heart may still be disappointed, but at least you will have tried.

May God’s will be done in both your lives.

Warm wishes, Trishie
 
I have a different view of this. IF you really love her, tell her so and let her know you want to be together. IF God had wanted either of you to be a nun or priest He would not have had you two meet.

IF marriage is your vocation, then you will both have strong feelings for each other. IF the clergy is your vocation, then you would not. IF one has a vocation with the clergy then they would know that as well.

Let her know your feelings and as soon as possible. IF she is the one for you, then you will be able to convince her that marriage is the life for her. IF she does not feel that way toward you then she will persue her vocation.

It is her choice but it is your life as well. If you want marriage then you need to let her know as certain and soon as possible and let her decide.
 
If you love her you must want what is best for her not what is best for yourself, true love is selfless, selfish love is inferior and often leads to evils.

If you love her, love God and love the Church you will encourage her to pursue her discernment to the religious life as an act of selfless love and sacrifice.
"Those who induce others to enter religion not only do not sin, but merit a great reward. For it is written (James 5:20): “He who causeth a sinner to be converted from the error of his way, shall save his soul from death, and shall cover a multitude of sins”; and (Daniel 12:3): “They that instruct many to justice shall be as stars for all eternity.”“First, the entrance itself into religion, considered by itself; and thus it is certain that entrance into religion is a greater good” " Summa Theologica IIa-IIae. q. 189, a.9
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You should get the book “Religious Vocation-an unnecessary Mystery” by Fr. Richard Butler, O.P., get her a copy to.
 
wcknight said:
I have a different view of this. IF you really love her, tell her so and let her know you want to be together. IF God had wanted either of you to be a nun or priest He would not have had you two meet.
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This is mere assumption it could also be that they both have a vocation to the religious life and God is going to use her to lead him back to that vocation. It is an evil thing to compete with God for love, and it is evil and selfish to try and discourage a person from the religious vocation.
 
This is a difficult thing for both parties. I am, however, reminded of a meditation from a popular version of the stations of the Cross–the particular station is the one where Jesus meets His mother. The prayer goes something like this: “O Lord, never let any human attachment, no matter how close, keep me from the way of the Cross.”

The best you can do is try your best to live according to the will of God and have faith that whatever tribulations and heartaches He permits you to suffer are ultimately for your good. Obviously, this is more easily said than done.
 
Leonius said:
This is mere assumption it could also be that they both have a vocation to the religious life and God is going to use her to lead him back to that vocation. It is an evil thing to compete with God for love, and it is evil and selfish to try and discourage a person from the religious vocation.
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I’m not trying to discourage anyone from a vocation. I’m not trying to steer anyone into any one direction. I believe that IF she really has a religious vocation she will be able to choose.

God doesn’t make us fall in love with anyone if that person has a religious vocation. I believe that would be cruel. My take is that IF they really love each other then they should be married. IF one or the other believes that they have a religious vocation then that is what they will choose.

I want more priest and religious as much as anyone else, but IF that is not their true calling, then I think it would be equally wrong to convince them otherwise. It’s just as bad/('evil as you say) to talk someone into a religious vocation that should not be, as it is to talk someone out of one that should.

You could be absolutely right that both have a religious vocation, but from the sounds of the original post, I think otherwise.
 
wcknight said:
I’m not trying to discourage anyone from a vocation. I’m not trying to steer anyone into any one direction. I believe that IF she really has a religious vocation she will be able to choose.
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If he did what you told him to do he would be.
wcknight said:
God doesn’t make us fall in love with anyone if that person has a religious vocation. I believe that would be cruel. My take is that IF they really love each other then they should be married. IF one or the other believes that they have a religious vocation then that is what they will choose.
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This is just a lot of assumption, who knows what part God has played in the OP loving this woman, but my point still stands the religious life is the “greater good” in the words of St. Thomas and so if it is true love the OP would not discourage the object of his love from that which would be of greater benefit to her obtaining her salvation. If she does have a religious vocation and follows it he would still have loved her, and still have to deal with the loss, according to your logic God would still be cruel. God is not cruel, God also does not decide for us who we fall in love with, we do that of our own free will, which is why so many people fall in love with people they really should not.
wcknight said:
I want more priest and religious as much as anyone else, but IF that is not their true calling, then I think it would be equally wrong to convince them otherwise. It’s just as bad/('evil as you say) to talk someone into a religious vocation that should not be, as it is to talk someone out of one that should.

You could be absolutely right that both have a religious vocation, but from the sounds of the original post, I think otherwise.
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Who is talking about encouraging people who don’t have a religious vocation? Fact is we do not know who does and does not so we must encourage everyone. Saying to a person thinking about entering the religious that you want to marry them is drawing them away from a religious vocation and it is wrong.

The Angelic Doctor praises anyone who can induce others to enter religion, unless violence, simony or deceit were involved. He denies any need of long deliberation on the mater, because in itself the religious state is a better way of life. He also warns that a person should only seek the counsel of a person who will encourage rather than discourage the aspirant!

Read this: Contra Retrahentes. Especially Chapter 9.
 
2bcontent,
I feel for you and your friend. About 19 months ago I was in exactly the same situation you are in now. The girl I had been dating for about a month told me that she often wondered if she had a vocation to the Religious life (and truth be told, I had wondered in the past if I did as well). It might be tough, but ultimately you can help her to discern if she does have that vocation.

My advice is to talk and pray together. God seems to have singled you out to help her in the discernment process. The first thing is that you need to be open to her; to listen to her thoughts and feelings. But also, in my opinion, try to bring an objective light to the table. Sometimes, people believe they might have vocations simply because they feel they should. Is she drawn to a particular order or mode of religious life (Contemplative, active, etc.) or is she merely feel drawn to greater holiness (Which is certainly a sign of a vocation, but not necessarily one to the religious life). If she is drawn to a particular order or mode, ask questions about it. Again, never be negative, the idea here is to help her clarify what it is about that particular type of religious life that draws her. To use an absurd example, if she thinks the habits are the coolest, she might not be attracted to the order for the right reasons (Though it is certainly acceptable to feel drawn by the habit… its one of those complicated things).

Also, don’t be afraid to discuss vocation in the larger sense of the word. The Church, I sometimes think, needs married couples who are really dedicated to faithfully living the Gospel as well… When we consider the number of Catholic couples who use artificial birth control and who live very materialistic lives, I sometimes wonder if people who truly embrace the vocation of marriage might be even more rare than vocations to the religious life these days.

Ultimately, I think you and your friend will find the answer that brings you both spiritual peace. Oh BTW, my girlfriend who was considering a religious vocation? We were married 6 months ago and are expecting our first child in in a little less than 6 months :).

–
Bill
 
My tuppence-worth:

True love is true love. You get married because you have to.

Same for a vocation: it’s the only way for you.

It’s odd you’ve taken so long to get to just the ‘girlfriend stage’. A couple of dates should have taken care of that a long time ago. Are you or she being too tentative? And now she’s thinking of becoming a nun?

All doubts should be given a fair hearing, so they don’t undermine you later. Make a decision, then move on. If you can’t resolve them mentally, leave them, and let God and your heart (sub-conscious) work on them.

PS: I’ve written a couple of letters like that in my time. I wish I hadn’t. Soooo embarassing. Say what you feel to her face, and if you feel you can’t, then just how close are you?

Yearning for women from afar is a waste of time and energy.
 
Leonius,

Just my personal opinion, but IF I were in the same situation I would make sure my feelings were made known to the other person. It is too late to saying anything afterwards.

It may be selfish or it may not be for the greater good, but it lays everything out in the open, so everyone can make their decisions with all the information available.

I’m not pushing marriage, and I’m not discouraging vocations. IF these two people really love each other and either one or both are willing to forego a relationship with each other, that is great. BUT if one or the other has no idea what the other is feeling, then I think that should be revealed as well.

But hey that’s just my opinion, I have no saints or theological degrees to back me up. It just seems to me, better to have everything known up front rather than live a lifetime of regrets.
 
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