When a toxic family member call you a bad Catholic

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1990Domer

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I wished Good Friday was a bit holier for me, but I received an unexpected phone call from my sister’s husband. Some here may remember the issues I had with my in-laws. Well, I also came from a toxic family and put severe boundaries on my sister and now on my mom, but only very recently when I realized she would not get help for her mental illness.

Out of the blue, my sister’s husband calls. I picked up the phone because I didn’t recognize the number and thought it may be a tax client. Bad choice. I should have ended the call ASAP but decided to hear him out. The common thread was that I was a bad Catholic and acting in an unChristian-like manner for not allowing my sister back into my life. I tried to politely end the conversation by saying that said husband had no history of my childhood, my sister’s drug problem, her abusive first husband (he died and she married this man shortly after), etc. My sister is one who can really gaslight a person. Her husband treats her like dirt (for the two or three times I met him). So, he told me the reason he’s agnostic stems from meeting people who call themselves Christian but don’t act like it. No reasonable communication took place.

While I am angry at myself for the conversations lasting as long as it did, it gave me additional evidence that the choice I made to avoid people who could gaslight me is a good decision, because my husband and son were the ones who suffered when I projected pent up anger at them. Honestly, I agree with my pastor that sometimes it’s best to avoid toxic people to keep them from sinning. So, I pray from afar that they will someday understand why I need(ed) to set boundaries.
 
Good advice from a wise and holy priest. I hope you got the number from that call and can avoid any more contact in the future.
 
1990Domer said:
I wished Good Friday was a bit holier for me, but I received an unexpected phone call from my sister’s husband. Some here may remember the issues I had with my in-laws. Well, I also came from a toxic family and put severe boundaries on my sister and now on my mom, but only very recently when I realized she would not get help for her mental illness.

Out of the blue, my sister’s husband calls. I picked up the phone because I didn’t recognize the number and thought it may be a tax client. Bad choice. I should have ended the call ASAP but decided to hear him out. The common thread was that I was a bad Catholic and acting in an unChristian-like manner for not allowing my sister back into my life. I tried to politely end the conversation by saying that said husband had no history of my childhood, my sister’s drug problem, her abusive first husband (he died and she married this man shortly after), etc. My sister is one who can really gaslight a person. Her husband treats her like dirt (for the two or three times I met him). So, he told me the reason he’s agnostic stems from meeting people who call themselves Christian but don’t act like it. No reasonable communication took place.

While I am angry at myself for the conversations lasting as long as it did, it gave me additional evidence that the choice I made to avoid people who could gaslight me is a good decision, because my husband and son were the ones who suffered when I projected pent up anger at them. Honestly, I agree with my pastor that sometimes it’s best to avoid toxic people to keep them from sinning. So, I pray from afar that they will someday understand why I need(ed) to set boundaries.
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Wow…sister’s husband (who treats her like dirt) now starts to emotionally bully you? That must make him feel very “big”.

How did your husband react when he found out about it? Who can bench more, your husband or your sister’s husband?
 
1990Domer said:
I wished Good Friday was a bit holier for me, but I received an unexpected phone call from my sister’s husband. Some here may remember the issues I had with my in-laws. Well, I also came from a toxic family and put severe boundaries on my sister and now on my mom, but only very recently when I realized she would not get help for her mental illness.

Out of the blue, my sister’s husband calls. I picked up the phone because I didn’t recognize the number and thought it may be a tax client. Bad choice. I should have ended the call ASAP but decided to hear him out. The common thread was that I was a bad Catholic and acting in an unChristian-like manner for not allowing my sister back into my life. I tried to politely end the conversation by saying that said husband had no history of my childhood, my sister’s drug problem, her abusive first husband (he died and she married this man shortly after), etc. My sister is one who can really gaslight a person. Her husband treats her like dirt (for the two or three times I met him). So, he told me the reason he’s agnostic stems from meeting people who call themselves Christian but don’t act like it. No reasonable communication took place.

While I am angry at myself for the conversations lasting as long as it did, it gave me additional evidence that the choice I made to avoid people who could gaslight me is a good decision, because my husband and son were the ones who suffered when I projected pent up anger at them. Honestly, I agree with my pastor that sometimes it’s best to avoid toxic people to keep them from sinning. So, I pray from afar that they will someday understand why I need(ed) to set boundaries.
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I often get called a bad catholic by certain family members as well. just ignore it

it’s usually because I’m not doing something their way or agreeing with their opinion

being a good catholic doesn’t mean putting up with all kinds of inappropriate behaviour just so the other person won’t get mad and pretending that it’s all perfectly fine
 
I do recall a little something from the last thread about this, I think I chimed in on that one too. Toxic families hurt everyone around them since they are often hurt and broken and feel rage at their predicament. That’s is no excuse. They are adults capable of making adult and mature decisions, just like everyone else. They are responsible for themselves.

It sounds like you have made good, and adult decisions. You have to take care of yourself first. No one especially your in-laws can call you a bad Catholic. Only God and you are able to make that call. Keep your boundaries, and keep praying for them. You may be having a holier Holy week than you think you are.

Go to Mass tomorrow and have a good Easter. God loves you.
-E
 
Norseman82 said:
Wow…sister’s husband (who treats her like dirt) now starts to emotionally bully you? That must make him feel very “big”.

How did your husband react when he found out about it? Who can bench more, your husband or your sister’s husband?
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My husband was furious. When meeting him, he thought he was crude and demeaning to women, mostly my sister. He was helping my son when the call came through, and I did not want to ruin father/son time. My husband pointed out several passive aggressive and logical fallacy remarks. DH knows I am often afraid to defend myself, as that behavior would set off my mother when I was a kid. He just kept saying to me, “You’re safe, and I’m not going anywhere.” My husband is 6’7", so nobody will mess with him. He’s not the macho, I’m going to kick your butt kind of guy. Instead, he will point out logical mistakes and make what the other person said sound stupid. I need to build self-confidence to say what I think without the fear (I still have) of being beaten as a child (along with the silent treatment, which was horrible…that was the toxicity from my mom I endured).
 
angell1 said:
I often get called a bad catholic by certain family members as well. just ignore it

it’s usually because I’m not doing something their way or agreeing with their opinion

being a good catholic doesn’t mean putting up with all kinds of inappropriate behaviour just so the other person won’t get mad and pretending that it’s all perfectly fine
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Exactly! Our beloved pastor is the best!
 
esieffe said:
I do recall a little something from the last thread about this, I think I chimed in on that one too. Toxic families hurt everyone around them since they are often hurt and broken and feel rage at their predicament. That’s is no excuse. They are adults capable of making adult and mature decisions, just like everyone else. They are responsible for themselves.

It sounds like you have made good, and adult decisions. You have to take care of yourself first. No one especially your in-laws can call you a bad Catholic. Only God and you are able to make that call. Keep your boundaries, and keep praying for them. You may be having a holier Holy week than you think you are.

Go to Mass tomorrow and have a good Easter. God loves you.
-E
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Honestly, esieffe, you may be right. The Evil One wants to split up families. And with my son discerning the priesthood, I have to be extra vigilant.
 
1990Domer said:
Thank you. I did…and blocked it.
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Good for you; no one needs that type of conversation in their life of the strife from family you have noted in previous posts.

Blessings to you and your family for Easter,

Mary.
 
Some years ago, as an extraordinary minister of the Eucharist, I assisted a dying woman with regular Communion. I stumbled into a toxic feud in her family that had been going on for years. The woman’s sister was in the midst of sabotaging the estate. Because I was friends with the woman’s son, the woman’s sister had to pick me apart. “But she’s a CONVERT!” she screamed. “She’s a bad influence! She’s a bad Catholic! She’s not WORTHY to bear the Blessed Sacrament!”

Exactly. None of us are, save by the grace of God.

Keep that grace alive in your heart. Your priest is wise. None of us can choose our families, but we can choose to avoid what for us may be occasions of sin, like anger and fanned depression. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you leave the door open when it’s not prudent to do so. Pray for your sister’s husband, and for his conversion.
 
1990Domer, you are in my prayers.

My brother’s favorite one-liner? “Norman Rockwell painted lies!”

I have a relative who is particularly proud of her ability to utilize the silent treatment. She even used it on people she worked with, including superiors. How this woman wasn’t fired is beyond me. I would have canned her for making a ‘hostile work environment’.

It brought tears to my eyes to read that you had that directed at you as a child. It is not acceptable and I’m glad you know that today.

Next time someone calls you and starts in on you, you don’t actually need to be good at defending yourself. In fact don’t defend yourself. You are allowed to tell someone that ‘Right now isn’t a good time to talk’. You can repeat that more than once too! By the third time they should just feel silly. That doesn’t mean you ever have to talk about what horse nonsense they do want to talk about, but you are leaving the door open for as my sweet husband calls it “Happy Talk”. “How are the kids… Your business is doing well… Oh, your vacation sounds like it was wonderful I’m so happy for you…” That sort of thing.

A dear friend of mine has a sibling that is nasty, contentious, and toxic for her. Unfortunately, there recently has been a situation where they actually do need to talk. Death issues. Mostly to share information, but unfortunately the digs get thrown in, along with crossing those boundaries and ‘one-upmanship’. It’s so obvious to an outsider like me. I told my friend to write on an index card, “What they actually need to know tell them, and everything else is Nun-Ya.” As in Nun-Ya business. And that goes both ways. It’s none of your business what they think of you, or why they do this toxic stuff I told her. I also suggested putting a little dove’s picture on it to remind herself to ask the Holy Spirit for His Help before she even picks up that phone or when she’s in the thick of one.

Okay that’s it for my advice on nasty relatives who want to poke you over the phone. I wish I could make you a little pot of tea and your favorite sammich. I bet you have some excellent advice too, and it’s always easier to spot it from a little distance rather than right on top of or swimming in it.

I’m not always good at taking good care of myself, but over the years it’s gotten better for me. I can relate, boy can I, with the “my husband and son were the ones who suffered when I projected pent up anger at them”. I’ve been working on that too, and I’m very far from perfect or able to handle everything ‘just right’. Too many of us have been raised with toxic crazy messes, and as adults we are able to say 'that and NO more!".

I hope you have a Peace filled and Joyous Easter!
 
MaryT777 said:
Good for you; no one needs that type of conversation in their life of the strife from family you have noted in previous posts.

Blessings to you and your family for Easter,

Mary.
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Mary, thank you! First, Happy Easter. Second, my husband said that while I am sad that I had to put up boundaries, he and my son have seen a drastic change in me. I also have to thank a very special doctor who knew how to unlock what was so suppressed.
 
venite_adoremus said:
Some years ago, as an extraordinary minister of the Eucharist, I assisted a dying woman with regular Communion. I stumbled into a toxic feud in her family that had been going on for years. The woman’s sister was in the midst of sabotaging the estate. Because I was friends with the woman’s son, the woman’s sister had to pick me apart. “But she’s a CONVERT!” she screamed. “She’s a bad influence! She’s a bad Catholic! She’s not WORTHY to bear the Blessed Sacrament!”

Exactly. None of us are, save by the grace of God.

Keep that grace alive in your heart. Your priest is wise. None of us can choose our families, but we can choose to avoid what for us may be occasions of sin, like anger and fanned depression. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you leave the door open when it’s not prudent to do so. Pray for your sister’s husband, and for his conversion.
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Happy Easter. I will and I will add my sister because I fear she has fallen away too.
 
egretps said:
1990Domer, you are in my prayers.

My brother’s favorite one-liner? “Norman Rockwell painted lies!”

I have a relative who is particularly proud of her ability to utilize the silent treatment. She even used it on people she worked with, including superiors. How this woman wasn’t fired is beyond me. I would have canned her for making a ‘hostile work environment’.

It brought tears to my eyes to read that you had that directed at you as a child. It is not acceptable and I’m glad you know that today.

Next time someone calls you and starts in on you, you don’t actually need to be good at defending yourself. In fact don’t defend yourself. You are allowed to tell someone that ‘Right now isn’t a good time to talk’. You can repeat that more than once too! By the third time they should just feel silly. That doesn’t mean you ever have to talk about what horse nonsense they do want to talk about, but you are leaving the door open for as my sweet husband calls it “Happy Talk”. “How are the kids… Your business is doing well… Oh, your vacation sounds like it was wonderful I’m so happy for you…” That sort of thing.

A dear friend of mine has a sibling that is nasty, contentious, and toxic for her. Unfortunately, there recently has been a situation where they actually do need to talk. Death issues. Mostly to share information, but unfortunately the digs get thrown in, along with crossing those boundaries and ‘one-upmanship’. It’s so obvious to an outsider like me. I told my friend to write on an index card, “What they actually need to know tell them, and everything else is Nun-Ya.” As in Nun-Ya business. And that goes both ways. It’s none of your business what they think of you, or why they do this toxic stuff I told her. I also suggested putting a little dove’s picture on it to remind herself to ask the Holy Spirit for His Help before she even picks up that phone or when she’s in the thick of one.

Okay that’s it for my advice on nasty relatives who want to poke you over the phone. I wish I could make you a little pot of tea and your favorite sammich. I bet you have some excellent advice too, and it’s always easier to spot it from a little distance rather than right on top of or swimming in it.

I’m not always good at taking good care of myself, but over the years it’s gotten better for me. I can relate, boy can I, with the “my husband and son were the ones who suffered when I projected pent up anger at them”. I’ve been working on that too, and I’m very far from perfect or able to handle everything ‘just right’. Too many of us have been raised with toxic crazy messes, and as adults we are able to say 'that and NO more!".

I hope you have a Peace filled and Joyous Easter!
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Is your brother and my husband brothers by a different mother? My husband often used the term Rockwellian Fantasy to describe his family. I kept much of my pain hidden because I was convinced that I sinned to make my mom mad. My dad also used to say, “You have to be careful what you say to your mom.”

I’m sad, but I know I’m finally on the path I need to be! Happy Easter and God bless.
 
Hi 1990 Domer,
I’m rereading one of my favorite books, Brideshead Revisited, and your thread reminded me of a discussion in the novel. It goes:
“I sometimes think when people wanted to hate God they hated mummy.”
“What do you mean by that Cordelia?”
“Well, you see, she was saintly but she wasn’t a saint. No one could really hate a saint, could they? They can’t really hate God either. When they want to hate him and his saints they have to find something like themselves and pretend it’s God and hate that. I suppose you think that’s all bosh.”
“I heard almost the same thing once before-from someone very different.”

The novel is about the workings of grace in the life of a family, about God calling his children home from the ends of the world, despite their running away from Him.
Perhaps, entrusting the anger of your relatives to God’s care, knowing that He will find the right time to “twitch upon the thread” will help you through this difficult time.
May God bless you this Easter season and may all of your family one day be able to celebrate being home with the true fisherman.
Amen.
 
It is one thing when people call you out on what they believe are bad choices. Sure, look at whether or not they have a point. When they start name-calling, though, let that go. It isn’t our job to decide where we are in the Good Catholic Hall of Fame or any other list, good or bad. Try to make good decisions and to repent and make amends when you make bad ones, but leaving the judging to Heaven.
 
EasterJoy,

I’m not entirely sure what you mean. I wasn’t judging my sister’s husband or my sister. I was trying to explain to him that there were toxic members in my husband’s family, and that we have left the door open for reconciliation. I highly doubt either me or my husband will see our siblings again. All have fallen away from the Church, my MIL & FIL are deceased, and now I am getting down to dealing with working on me after giving all I could to my son to help him in his disability.

The sad thing is that my sister was out of my life for many years. After her first husband died in 2000, she was drinking heavily, was sleeping around and bragging about it…stuff like that. We tried to get her into treatment and couldn’t. My husband and I were trying to build our family (with much, much difficulty). The stress of her issues were too much for all of us to handle. She’s 10 years older and about 2 years ago, my mom, dad and my family tried to reconcile with her. We had heard from other relatives how she had changed and was sorry for her past mistakes. Within 30 minutes of meeting her and her husband, my DH had to excuse himself. He took our son into another room because DH could not take the misogynistic attitude sister’s husband was displaying. They came to my son’s Confirmation and my husband ran interference with sister and her husband because our priest friend was at my son’s luncheon. I’m not sure if you’ve seen the movie Notting Hill, but there is a scene where Julia Roberts overhears a bunch of men talking about her as though she was a sex toy and not a person with feelings. This, in essence, is my sister’s husband.

After son’s Confirmation, I decided that things really didn’t change with her. If anything, she was worse because she became crude and thought her husband was the kindest, funniest guy on Earth.

Add that to dealing with a mentally ill mom, an ugly process of settling my MIL’s estate, and a son coming off a horrible sixth grade year, and I was a psychological mess. After almost 20 years in therapy, I found an incredible doctor who finally asked me some really, really hard questions. I was drained after the sessions but was happy at the progress I was making.

So, as I do with my husband’s family, I pray from a distance and hope that God will touch their hearts–all of them–mom, dad, sister, sister’s husband. I turn it over to Christ in Adoration.

Happy Easter
 
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