When all you get are crosses...

[Sailor_Kenshin]

More panic attacks today. All day. I am sore and weak from them, my eyes and throat hurt from crying, my heart is racing and hurts, my heat hurts, it hurts to breathe. On top of everything else I’m already enduring it is just too much. It is the last straw. I cannot lift it. The load is too heavy, my strength is too weak. And yet, Jesus is calling me to pick this cross up and carry it, but how? My husband is calling our insurance tomorrow and we are going to try to medication for them, but we have to go through the hoops of the system first. It looks as though it could take a few weeks before I can even get scheduled for an appointment, let alone how long the medication will take to actually work. It is going to be a long road ahead. Why did I have to start having these on top of everything else. Siiiiiigh.

You have no idea what you all mean to me. Your kindness and compassion, your prayers, your sacrifices. I have not the strength to do those for myself right now. Thank you so much for helping lift me up to Jesus. Like the man who had no one to put him into the pool to be healed, so too I have not the strength to go to Jesus without help. You are helping me get to Jesus for healing. I can’t possibly ever thank you enough. :hug3:

More panic attacks? O noes!

And yes, they generally happen at the worst possible times.

prayerfully puts you in pool

 

[Miserissima]

Eternal Father, I offer you the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of Your Dearly Beloved Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world.

1. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
2. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
3. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
4. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
5. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
6. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
7. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
8. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
9. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
10. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.

 

[Convert_in_99]

It is the worst spiritual battle of my life. I’m living my spiritual life as a scared child. I cling to all things worldly because He is so scary. I try to still turn to Him when I am supposed to (Sunday Mass, monthly confession, a small prayer or two day like a hail mary or an our father), but not much more than that. I hate living like this but I am. I am imprisoned with fear of God. Fear of death and of hell and being in mortal sin and that God will take away my husband and mother my only two consolations in all of this. I’ve been having panic attacks already today. I am going to have to get off of here and just watch some tv or something so I don’t make myself sick. Your prayers mean more than you could possibly know right now. I’m not even telling you everything, I don’t have words to describe it. It’s horrible and hurts more than anything. Please keep praying hard for me I just can’t pray for myself without causing another panic attack.

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

The devil’s really stepping up his activities against you!

Mary, pray for her!

St. Anthony, pray for her!

 

[iluvmybabies]

When all you get are crosses. One after another, after another. My life is filled with crosses. One more added today. :crying: Only more crosses are added, rarely is one taken away. What is God calling me to? And why me? Why do others get comfort and normalcy and I get crosses? Big heavy, crushing crosses. I didn’t sign up for this. I’m not strong enough. How do I carry this weight, how do I keep going on. Every day feels like a nightmare. A bad dream that I must somehow move through, but I just want to wake up. I want the nightmare to be over. I don’t want to have to live like this day in and day out, and yet, I have no choice. I can either be crushed by heavy crosses, or deny my faith. Of course I’ll take the crosses, but it’s hard. So incredibly hard to let yourself be crushed (in a sense) by God and the weight of all the crosses He gives when all you want to do is be loved and nurtured and held by Him. But comfort and consolation are not for me. I get pain, sorrow, sadness, suffering, loss. Sometimes I like to be on here just to read about the normalcy of life. My life seems far from normal right now. I don’t know if I’ve ever been ‘normal,’ or really even what that must be like without reading about it. It’s so hard. I need some strength and support and cyber hugs. Please pray for me. I’m really desperately needing prayers right now. :crying:

Oh honey please hang in there! Don’t forget GOD loves you and will always be there for you! I am sorry for your stituation whatever it may be that is causing you pain…I have had an interesting life, a lot of pain and it’s still not over…I too have some major heavy crosses to bear but we must hang on…We must pray very hard and hope that GOD guides us in the right direction…I pray that God will hold you in His arms and comfort you. God bless.

 

[Miserissima]

Before I go home from work, let me write out another decade (3rd) of the DMC for you:

Eternal Father, I offer you the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of Your Dearly Beloved Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world.

1. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world. 2. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
2. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
3. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
4. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
5. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
6. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
7. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
8. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
9. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.

 

[Belle10]

It is the worst spiritual battle of my life. I’m living my spiritual life as a scared child.

Convert, we are called to love God with a childlike faith, so go with it…let the fear go and remember that God is your loving Father who wants you to turn to Him in your time of need. He’s there waiting, always, to embrace you as you are. :hug1:

The devil’s really stepping up his activities against you!

Mary, pray for her!

St. Anthony, pray for her!

I agree, the devil doesn’t like someone as strong as you are Convert. You may not feel strong, but you are.

St. Michael the archangel
defend us in battle, be our safeguard against the wickedness and snares of the devil
May God rebuke him we humbly pray
and do thou o prince of the heavenly host
by the power of God
cast into hell satan and all the evil spirits
who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls.
Amen.

Angel of God
who is Convert’s guardian
to whom Merciful God entrusted Convert
enlighten and keep her this day
guard and lead her.
Amen.

Remembering you in my chaplet of Divine Mercy. :hug1: :

 

[GhostMan]

I also suffer from a similar issue: anxiety attacks. I know the feeling of desolation and despair you are talking about. I cannot offer medical advice, except to say there are things you can do about most of these. My attacks are mostly under control now. Don’t accept long, long waits. Go to the emergency room if you have to. Many panic/anxiety attacks are related to brain chemistry issues. Don’t put it off.

In a general sense, Job is a wonderful teaching lesson for us. God tells us that Job was blessed, financially, spiritually, and in family. He served God well. When Satan was allowed to destroy all that Job had, Job did not curse God, but neither was he blameless. Job suffered from the same sort of self- justification that we all are prone to.

Job did not believe he was due the level of pain he had been given. He saw no justice in it. We also can feel this way. Job challenged God to show cause for Job’s pain and in response God showed Job a portion of His glory.

Job was exposed to a Creator, Father and God and his entire spirit was crushed. God said, “Where were you when I told the sea, come this far and no more.” He repeated this lesson several times. We, the created, often have the gall to challenge the Creator.

I am far from exempt from this line myself, but I try and remember that we say, “I do not deserve that which I have been given.” God might answer back, “Exactly.”

We do not deserve that which we have been given: Grace, Salvation, Mercy. We deserve that which we have earned: enmity with God, suffering, damnation.

Remind yourself of the good that God has done for you.

 

[Miserissima]

Still thinking of you, Convert…

Eternal Father, I offer you the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of Your Dearly Beloved Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world. 1. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world. 2. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world. 3. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world. 4. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world. 5. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world. 6. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world. 7. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world. 8. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world. 9. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world. 10. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world!

 

[Convert_in_99]

Thank you all so much. :hug1: After a rotten morning, and another panic attack, I finally had enough. I was taking action, wasn’t taking no for an answer, and as a result I’m feeling a bit better this afternoon. Not great, but at least the attack is gone. I basically reversed all things that were causing the attack, fought my way through it, wouldn’t let my despairing side win out, tried to look at them in a hopeful light, even at the risk of being presumptuous of God’s mercy, and it seems to be working for the moment. I once had a priest tell me it’s better to err on the side of mercy rather than despair. This used to help me, and I think it did today too. Hopefully this mood sticks for hubby.

 

[Sina]

Convert99, you have my prayers

 

[spiritualunity]

I am so glad it is a better day for you. You have a heart of gold. Your honesty and openess is a good lesson for all of us. Such humility is to be admired. I like what that priest told you alot!
God Bless you,
Spirit

 

[distracted]

When all you get are crosses. One after another, after another. My life is filled with crosses. One more added today. :crying: Only more crosses are added, rarely is one taken away. What is God calling me to? And why me? :

wish i had time to read all the posts… but don’t… haven’t read any except first one…

i could have written this post myself… 15 yrs ago. Its’ been a long 15 yrs… but i feel that… well, how can i put it into words??

I’m wondering if you go to daily Mass? The Word is always about YOU even if it is… say speaking about … say, Abraham and Sarah… or Tobit or whomever… There is always something in the Word to address what you are going through…

I read Wisdom 3 today & it was just waht i needed to read. I can’t recall the exact words but is speak of how those who follow the Lord seem to be punished… chastised “a little”… they are… “rewarded”… I wish i could recall the exact words but if you have a Catholic Bible, maybe you should look it up … because it seems to address your situation… (and not just yours).

which reminds me: there is no such thing as a person who has a “normal” life… I used to think this… but then i got to know some of those 'normies"… Yikes… Life is hard for everyone…

at least you can be consoled by the thought that everyone else out here has crosses too… i don’t tell anyone about one of my biggest crosses because i not only FEEL but know with certainty that they will NOT understand… so its something i have to keep to myself… but then, as you know… we need not keep things to ourselves when we can give them to Jesus…

I would also spend time in the Real Presence… One bad thing about that though…

it gets you spoiled… it does me anyway…

because the more time i spend There, the more i can see how not like Jesus humans are… and this worldy system… uch:

I feel like this:
:crutches:

when not There…

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Convert, I know one of your crosses has involved having children. I don’t want to appear to be “dumping on you” but I think when you are so petrified of God, it is because you have not yet had the chance to view life as a parent. We are pale imitations of the perfect love and care of God our Father. Yet even we show love and forgiveness and patience with our children. It isn’t presumption for our children to trust that we won’t slaughter them for breaking a plate or glass. They know we love them and even when they disappoint us we will treat them with mercy and patience.

I wish so much for your own peace of mind that you could see how much God loves you and that you are the apple of His eye and He wants you to spend eternity with Him. Maybe if you could concentrate more on His role as your Eternal Father and less on His role as Judge, maybe you would have more peace. Would you want your child to be terrified of you every moment of the day?

Read the Prodigal Son and how the father was standing out there waiting for the son, seeing him in the distance. That is the kind of Father God is. He’s standing on His step waiting for us to return to His love.

How would you treat a child? Imagine how much more perfectly God will treat you. He knows you love Him. He wants you to trust Him.

 

[Podo2005]

When all you get are crosses. One after another, after another. My life is filled with crosses. One more added today. :crying: Only more crosses are added, rarely is one taken away. What is God calling me to? And why me? Why do others get comfort and normalcy and I get crosses? Big heavy, crushing crosses. I didn’t sign up for this. I’m not strong enough. How do I carry this weight, how do I keep going on. Every day feels like a nightmare. A bad dream that I must somehow move through, but I just want to wake up. I want the nightmare to be over. I don’t want to have to live like this day in and day out, and yet, I have no choice. I can either be crushed by heavy crosses, or deny my faith. Of course I’ll take the crosses, but it’s hard. So incredibly hard to let yourself be crushed (in a sense) by God and the weight of all the crosses He gives when all you want to do is be loved and nurtured and held by Him. But comfort and consolation are not for me. I get pain, sorrow, sadness, suffering, loss. Sometimes I like to be on here just to read about the normalcy of life. My life seems far from normal right now. I don’t know if I’ve ever been ‘normal,’ or really even what that must be like without reading about it. It’s so hard. I need some strength and support and cyber hugs. Please pray for me. I’m really desperately needing prayers right now. :crying:

Matthew 11:28-30
" Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy and my burden light"

 

[Podo2005]

Matthew 11:28-30
" Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy and my burden light"

I will pray for you my friend in Christ, I know what you are going through for I too have many crosses to bear in my life.

 

[Sheeniac]

Convert, might I recommend reading something of Father Groeschel? He has several books dealing with unfair suffering.

Do pursue the therapy aggressively - you can unlearn things such as these, or at least learn to control the attacks and anxiety. Cognitive behavioral therapy can work wonders, and there are meds out there to help bring the levels down until you’re able to change your thinking. I view anxiety as the flip side of depression, although you can have both at the same time.

You really need to get yourself on stable ground!

All the best, Julie

 

[Belle10]

Thank you all so much. :hug1: After a rotten morning, and another panic attack, I finally had enough. I was taking action, wasn’t taking no for an answer, and as a result I’m feeling a bit better this afternoon. Not great, but at least the attack is gone. I basically reversed all things that were causing the attack, fought my way through it, wouldn’t let my despairing side win out, tried to look at them in a hopeful light, even at the risk of being presumptuous of God’s mercy, and it seems to be working for the moment. I once had a priest tell me it’s better to err on the side of mercy rather than despair. This used to help me, and I think it did today too. Hopefully this mood sticks for hubby.

Glad things are a bit better. :hug1:

If you haven’t read it, please read St. Faustina’s Diary. I really think it would help you (it’s helped me!). Go to our.homewithgod.com/divinemercy/book5/ and about halfway down there are the conversations between God and various souls: suffering, despairing, sinful, striving, and perfect. Please read the suffering and despairing conversations especially – I think they’ll provide strength and comfort for you.

The following are excerpts from St. Faustina’s Diary (Jesus’ words are in red):

As I was trying to make my Holy Hour, I saw the suffering Jesus, who spoke these words to me: My daughter, do not pay so much attention to the vessel of grace as to the grace itself which I gave you, because you are not always pleased with the vessel, and then the graces too, become deficient. I want to guard your from that, and I want you never to pay attention to the vessel in which I send you My grace. Let all the attention of your soul be concentrated on responding to My grace as faithfully as possible.

Today, the Lord said to me, Daughter, when you go to confession, to this fountain of My mercy, the Blood and Water which came forth from My Heart always flow down upon your soul and ennobles it. Every time you go to confession, immerse yourself entirely in My mercy, with great trust, so that I may pour the bounty of My grace upon your soul. When you approach the confessional, know this, that I myself am waiting there for you. I am only hidden by the priest, but I myself act in your soul. Here the misery of the soul meets the God of mercy. Tell souls that from this fount of mercy souls draw graces solely with the vessel of trust. If their trust is great, there is no limit to My generosity. The torrents of grace inundate humble souls. The proud remain always in poverty and misery, because My grace turns away from them to humble souls.

I’m remembering you in my chaplet. :hug1:

 

[spiritualunity]

Renunciation Of Satan and Claiming the Full Victory

I claim the full victory that my Lord Jesus Christ won on the Cross for me. Having disarmed the powers and authorities, He made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross" (Col. 2:15) His victory for my is my victory.

In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ I renounce all the workings of Satan in my life in all its forms, whether brought into my life by my actions or by others. I break all attachments, ground, curses, spells, and rights Satan may have in my life whether such ground was gained through my actions or through others. Strengthened by the intercession of the Immaculate Virgin Mary, Mother of God, of Blessed Michael the Archangel, of the Blessed Apostles Peter and Paul, and all the Saints and Angels of Heaven, and powerful in the holy authority of the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I ask you Lord to command Satan and all his minions, whomever they may be, to get out of my life and stay out. With that authority I now take back the ground in my life gained by Satan through my sins. I reclaim this ground and my life for Christ. I now dedicate myself to the Lord Jesus Christ; I belong to Him alone. Amen.

Holy Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray; and do thou, O prince of the heavenly hosts, by the power of God, thrust into hell Satan and all the other evil spirits who prowl through the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Oh my goodness! Again, my inbox is full and this thread has a whole page full of new replies. They are all very helpful. I can’t thank you enough. I know I keep saying that but I just have no words to say that express my gratitude besides thanks. :hug1:

This morning I have had another horrible attack. I’m still getting through it as I type. The fear of hell was so intense it was as if I and the whole worlds was going there and had no hope of anything else. I fear hell for myself and all souls. It is my greatest ongoing fear. It is causing me to have these attacks. It is making me physically ill. My poor husband and all he’s going through right now in this too. In taking care of me. And yet he is always sweet and patient and kind. He wishes there was something he could do, it hurts him to see me like this. And yet there is little that can be done. Sure I can get some medication, which we are planning on getting, for the panic attacks, but a pill can’t cure my deep down inner fears of hell, of death, and of God’s judgment. I think the scariest thing is not hell itself, but that God made it so that we ourselves have the power to send our selves there. Why would God allow us poor weak miserable creatures to be able to make a choice like that. It’s almost cruel in a sense. A parent would never allow a child to choose whether or not to kill themselves. Why would God permit that we allow ourselves to be killed forever in hell. It just breaks my heart. I feel like I’m doing this all alone that if he allows me to choose hell, then he won’t help stop me from that choice either. It’s just so scary and awful. I wish it were not that way. I wish God wouldn’t let us do such a thing, but He does. I’m so scared. It just hurts so much. :crying: