When and how to meddle (if necessary)

[Anglewannabe]

I was at a dance last night. There was a girl I know well I will call Mary. A guy she knows I will call Peter did not have his car since he wanted to drink and asked Mary for a drive home. The second they left, another girl (we will call Helen) I somewhat know who does not really know Mary said to me ‘Does she know how Peter can be?’ When she saw my face drop in a clueless expression, she explained to me that apparently this Peter guy has a temper and it is not safe for any woman to be alone with him. She strongly urged me to warn Mary.

Here are my concerns:

1-) I despise gossip (and Helen tends to do a lot of that), but at the same time, when it is a safety issue, I think it is only natural to warn another woman to be careful. So, do I warn Mary or do I chalk it up to Helen’s gossip?

2-) Although I do not know Peter, Mary has spoken of him and told me he is always respectful of her. I also know Mary is a practicing Catholic and believes in waiting for marriage and does not associate with inappropriate men. When I told Helen ‘Mary says he is a gentleman’, Helen rolled her eyes saying ‘Mary is too naïve to see the signs’. I can’t help but think that if Mary has driven Peter before, if this Peter was a bad guy, he would have done something by now

3-) And lastly, if ever I do find there is a legitimate reason to warn Mary, do I call her up and just tell her? Or do I wait until she starts to talk about it and then casually warn her?

4-) Which brings me to my last question, How would I ever know if this Peter guy is a nice guy or not? I don’t gossip so I am not about to ask around. Are their any signs to read or thinks Mary might say that would raise a red flag?

Thanks

Angie

 

[Xantippe]

I was at a dance last night. There was a girl I know well I will call Mary. A guy she knows I will call Peter did not have his car since he wanted to drink and asked Mary for a drive home. The second they left, another girl (we will call Helen) I somewhat know who does not really know Mary said to me ‘Does she know how Peter can be?’ When she saw my face drop in a clueless expression, she explained to me that apparently this Peter guy has a temper and it is not safe for any woman to be alone with him. She strongly urged me to warn Mary.

Here are my concerns:

1-) I despise gossip (and Helen tends to do a lot of that), but at the same time, when it is a safety issue, I think it is only natural to warn another woman to be careful. So, do I warn Mary or do I chalk it up to Helen’s gossip?

2-) Although I do not know Peter, Mary has spoken of him and told me he is always respectful of her. I also know Mary is a practicing Catholic and believes in waiting for marriage and does not associate with inappropriate men. When I told Helen ‘Mary says he is a gentleman’, Helen rolled her eyes saying ‘Mary is too naïve to see the signs’. I can’t help but think that if Mary has driven Peter before, if this Peter was a bad guy, he would have done something by now

3-) And lastly, if ever I do find there is a legitimate reason to warn Mary, do I call her up and just tell her? Or do I wait until she starts to talk about it and then casually warn her?

4-) Which brings me to my last question, How would I ever know if this Peter guy is a nice guy or not? I don’t gossip so I am not about to ask around. Are their any signs to read or thinks Mary might say that would raise a red flag?

Thanks

Angie

Helen can share whatever information she has herself.

 

[EasterJoy]

You don’t need to know whether Peter is a “nice guy” or not. If you would not presently consider spending time alone with him, you do not need to have a personal opinion about him.

The charge of violent tendencies is a serious thing, even as mere hearsay. You can share what you have heard with Mary, such as it is, assuring her that since it is hearsay Mary can choose to take as mere gossip or can take it as possibly important information that might lead her to choose to ask Helen about her evidence, or both, or as neither.

I suppose I would also apologize about mentioning it at all, but thought it necessary to mention because Peter stood accused of violence against women, a charge that cannot be taken lightly. Then assure Mary that you will feel you have done your part by telling her, that you have not concluded that Peter is guilty of anything, and will feel free to forget about the matter yourself. Since you do not spend time with Peter yourself, Mary’s decision or the information she gathers or chooses not to gather is something you do not have to be told to know about.

Do not assume that “if this Peter was a bad guy, he would have done something by now.” Mary may not have crossed him yet. She may want to know it could be wise to be in a safe situation before she chooses to cross him in the future. This is wise in any event, but if Peter were to ever do anything violent to Mary, you would find yourself wishing you had made some mention of the dangers that he might pose.

Why not let Helen mention this? Because perhaps Helen is a former girlfriend that Mary might take as just a poor sport. Since Mary will of course think this, I’d say, “It could be that Helen has a score to even with Peter, and is just getting the rumor mill going to get back at him. Still, it never hurts to remember that we do not know someone until we have seen them angered. Handle this in your own way. I’ve done my part by telling you what I have heard. You are an adult; what you make of this hearsay is up to you.” Then let it drop.

The thing to remember is to handle this as if Peter could overhear everything you said, knowing it all to be false. Say what you have to say with the recognition that it could be a vicious rumor vindictively meant to harm his reputation. I think I’d just say, “Were it me, I’d just use this to remember that we ought to stick with being wise, even when we like someone. Wait until you have seen someone very angry before you decide you know how they handle their anger. That never hurts with anyone.”

 

[Burt_Macklin]

My advice is to ignore Helen’s gossip based on the fact that she is an unreliable gossip and stay out of Mary’s relationship.

About 4-5 years ago my mom called to ask if a friend of the family, Mr. Smith, had ever acted inappropriately towards me. There were rumors floating around church that Mr Smith was a pedophile. I told her that there couldn’t be a word of truth to any of the rumors. I also decided to bring up the conversation with Mr Smith’s son who I had remained in contact with over the years. He admitted that his parents were going through a divorce and the rumors, among many other accusations, were probably started by his mother as a way to play up the damsel in distress bit. It all started with Mrs Smith telling Mary, Mary telling Helen, Helen telling Chris and finally Chris warning my mother. So yea, rumors have a way of growing legs. So the first question is, how does Helen even know what she knows?

I would also worry that mentioning anything to Mary will bias her against seeing any of the signs for herself. The one thing that I’ve noticed in dealing with my sisters is that telling them anything tends to get them defensive. It’s better to let them find out on their own. And, don’t worry, they most assuredly will find out on their own. Men with ill tempers are terrible at keeping it hidden. All it will take is poor service at a restaurant or a bad driver and he will reveal his hand.

 

[EasterJoy]

My advice is to ignore Helen’s gossip based on the fact that she is an unreliable gossip and stay out of Mary’s relationship.

About 4-5 years ago my mom called to ask if a friend of the family, Mr. Smith, had ever acted inappropriately towards me. There were rumors floating around church that Mr Smith was a pedophile. I told her that there couldn’t be a word of truth to any of the rumors. I also decided to bring up the conversation with Mr Smith’s son who I had remained in contact with over the years. He admitted that his parents were going through a divorce and the rumors, among many other accusations, were probably started by his mother as a way to play up the damsel in distress bit. It all started with Mrs Smith telling Mary, Mary telling Helen, Helen telling Chris and finally Chris warning my mother. So yea, rumors have a way of growing legs. So the first question is, how does Helen even know what she knows?

I would also worry that mentioning anything to Mary will bias her against seeing any of the signs for herself. The one thing that I’ve noticed in dealing with my sisters is that telling them anything tends to get them defensive. It’s better to let them find out on their own. And, don’t worry, they most assuredly will find out on their own. Men with ill tempers are terrible at keeping it hidden. All it will take is poor service at a restaurant or a bad driver and he will reveal his hand.

Let’s just remember that neither pedophiles nor the violent commit offenses every chance they get. This is particularly true of pedophiles. The ones who abuse the most children before being caught are careful about choosing and grooming their victims. So while you can say that someone has never done a single thing to give you any cause for concern, you cannot say that there “couldn’t be a word of truth to any of the rumors.” That was more than you knew. A legion of pedophiles have been defended in the same way. A better answer would be, “I would trust him as I’d trust anyone else.”

Likewise, hearing that someone has a violent past ought to remind us to be prudent about what situations we get ourselves into. If you have not seen how someone handles anger, you don’t know. Don’t let a short time of acquaintance lure you into a false sense of security. Even someone with no bad history to hide should not try to talk you out of that, because it is only prudent.

 

[heidi_storage]

Let’s just remember that neither pedophiles nor the violent commit offenses every chance they get. This is particularly true of pedophiles. The ones who abuse the most children before being caught are careful about choosing and grooming their victims. So while you can say that someone has never done a single thing to give you any cause for concern, you cannot say that there “couldn’t be a word of truth to any of the rumors.” That was more than you knew. A legion of pedophiles have been defended in the same way. A better answer would be, “I would trust him as I’d trust anyone else.”

Likewise, hearing that someone has a violent past ought to remind us to be prudent about what situations we get ourselves into. If you have not seen how someone handles anger, you don’t know. Don’t let a short time of acquaintance lure you into a false sense of security. Even someone with no bad history to hide should not try to talk you out of that, because it is only prudent.

Passing on hearsay is not helpful. Helen should share this information herself if she has concerns, not delegate to a third party.

 

[runwaymodel]

I would be very careful regarding Helen and her hearsay. Knowing females, she probably has an altereor agenda (perhaps a past with Peter which she is bitter about) otherwise if she was so concerned over his actions, why wouldn’t she warn Mary herself? To me it just seem like Helen is just trying to stir the pot.

 

[Allegra]

I would absolutely not pass on ambiguous claims of “bad temper”. If Helen had specific information such as, “That guy was in jail for two months for hitting his girlfriend.” or something along that line, I might be more open to the idea, but such non-definitive hearsay is just gossip, in my opinion. If Helen thinks Mary is in danger, she should offer to drive her home herself.