When are pre wedding fears red flags or cold feet?

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Jelisabeth

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My fiancé and I got engaged after a 3.5 years relationship filled with a lot of major issues. In the past, I had caught him cheating and lying to me about the cheating… I was pregnant and decided I couldn’t trust him enough to go through with the pregnancy as horrible as it was for me. We have broken up twice before in the past for these issues. He begged me to get back together about 9 months ago and we are engaged to marry this August. I love him and he seems committed to making this work. But I am filled with fear from what happened in the past. Also, we have some issues communicating positively when we disagree; he has anger issues and when he gets upset he can scream and be very mean. I spoke to my priest who recommends working through everything, not postponing the wedding as I had considered, but rather to choose love over fear and get married as my fiancé is so committed to working through things. I’m torn because my parents (non religious and very pragmatic people) say these are major red flags to take seriously and to find someone else without these issues. I am almost 33 and dream of having a family with someone I love. I love my fiancé but my fears are there about our marriage happiness due to our past issues.
 
I am a strong proponent of Engagement Encounter, and it is great at teaching some tools you both need.

However, I would very strongly advise you both to take some extensive marriage counseling. You both need to put the pieces on the table, and separately and together figure out if this can work. There are no marriages without bumps in the road, but marriage is also stressful in many ways, and it sounds like he has not worked through some of them, and that you are reactive to them.

And I mean a certified marriage counselor. I would suggest looking for either Catholic Counseling Services or Lutheran Counseling services; I have found both of them to not only be well trained, but also to have an understanding of marriage that many other counselors don’t have.

Yes, it will cost something (health insurance might possibly cover some or all). But I will put that in another way: a divorce costs a lot more.

I was a divorce attorney, . .
 
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I sure wish I’d listened to my doubts before marriage.

A few years ago I raised a question about this in CAF, but not directly related to myself at it was long over for me, and the best advice I read was, to the effect, “It’s normal to have doubts, but if those doubts relate to the character of the other person or your own commitment, then act on them”.

You mentioned that you are 33, which of course suggests you fear that you may not find someone else. That is not a good enough reason to marry someone, especially if there are serious problems there.

I find the comment from the priest in favour of the marriage very interesting. It almost sounds silly to me: “choose love over fear”. If he’d said something more practical about the situation then I’d be more for heeding his advice, but if that’s the best he’s got then I don’t think it’s worth much. How well does he know you both, and how much attention has given you?

Lastly, your parents advice is very troubling, with respect to going ahead. I’ve seen many cases where parents had doubts which were subsequently proven right, but they usually keep these to themselves as they don’t want to “interfere” or push the couple into the marriage. For them to express their opposition so clearly is unusual and, I suspect, very significant. If you normally find your parents to be sound people who have your best interests at heart, then their advice is the one I’d recommend.
 
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Lou2U said:
If you have any doubts whatsoever, don’t marry him.
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That’s going too far, IMO. Doubts over such a big decision are normal and sensible (I think). Such was mentioned in the thread I raised on this a few years ago (referenced in my post above).

It’s the nature of the doubts that is important.
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Marriage - if there's any doubt, DON'T? Family Life
This is purely hypothetical my point of view, as I’m long married and divorced, but I hope that it provides some thoughtful and helpful answers for other people who are contemplating marriage. I remember, as an Anglican, hear our married priest talk, in a sermon, of how terrified he was before his wedding. He didn’t know whether to go ahead with it. But now he was happily married, and his lesson was that sometimes we have to forget our fears, and go forward in faith. Five years later he was div…
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Some other excellent advice in that thread, from veteran poster @EasterJoy, was to ask whether you are counting on you or your spouse changing after marriage. If so then call it off
 
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Find a copy of The Peter Pan Syndrome and read it as fast as possible.

This guy has a lot of issues. I would not go ahead with the marriage until he sees not only the marriage counselor, but a regular counselor, as well. Was he born prematurely? This causes men to be reactionary. They can’t get over it until they actually talk it out with a professional. Was there abuse as a child? That may translate to their own children. You would think that they wouldn’t, but such things become ingrained.

The Bible says for spouses to be submissive to each other. Use “I” statements, which is assertive. I bet you’re using “you” statements, which is aggressive. Don’t point at each other, and keep the tone of voice even.

I would not go into this marriage, as these issues will be magnified a thousand-fold afterward. I speak from experience.

Blessings,
Mrs Cloisters OP
Lay Dominican
http://cloisters.tripod.com/
http://cloisters.tripod.com/charity/
http://cloisters.tripod.com/holyangels/id9.html/
 
This is one of those cases where I wonder what the priest was thinking. Your parents know you and are closer to this whole situation, as well as having experience with marriage. I’d listen to them and not to the priest.

I would say doubts before marriage are normal if they relate more to yourself, such as “Am I ready for this big commitment? Am I really ready to settle down with one person and accept anything bad that might happen, for instance if they lose their job or become disabled? Am I ready for this responsibility? And do I love my fiance enough to take that on?”

But to have doubt because the guy gets angry on a regular basis, screams and is mean, and you’re in your 30s so it’s not a case of some 21-year-old who’s still maturing into a man, is NOT normal. Do you want to live with that for the rest of your life? Do you want to deal with him screaming and being mean to your kids? Everybody has a bad day, and some personality types deal with it by yelling, okay. But “being mean”? It sounds borderline abusive to be honest and like some serious counseling is required.

And cheating and lying while you were pregnant, which according to your post gave you enough doubt that you decided to terminate the pregnancy?

This guy sounds like Bad News with a Capital B. Run far away.
 
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My honest advice: break up with this guy immediately and seek therapy for yourself. You might have some underlying issues yourself that led you to form a relationship with a guy like this in the first place.
 
Like the others I think this pending marriage sounds like it has many issues and at the very least I would postpone it, if not cancel it completely until you are sure. He sounds like he needs counselling to deal with his anger issues if not the something specifically for men who take their anger/issues out on woman and want to stop doing this, like the Everyman project in London (I dont know the US equivalent assuming you are in the US, but there is likely to be some organisation that does the same thing breaking the pattern of this destructive behaviour). I do not think him merely saying he can do it and attempting to stop behaving badly himself will help for any length of time, no offence but it is like an addiction. He needs help.
You priest means well I am sure. Maybe he hasn’t realised the extent of the problem. You could and should try talking to him again, perhaps ask for an clarification on his advice and speak to him alone without your fiancé. It is likely the priest may have been trying to provide emotional support for both of you rather than division. Perhaps you can ask him for catholic counselling and explain the abuse side. Perhaps ask if there are sacramentals/blessings in your home etc. he can recommend in case there is a spiritual cause for the unrest between the two of you. Can he recommend or advise any devotions etc. for your fiancé to take up if it is spiritual? that sort of thing. Your priests advice is important. Misunderstandings can easily happen. Your family knows you too, but they do not know the spiritual world. I understand it is difficult to go between the two. You do need to make sensible choices. So consult your priest again. Consider some assistance for your fiancé in changing his help and above all, pray as it is God who will lead you through all of this. Also take your time, dont rush into anything… this is your vocation and it must be right. Let God lead you. Spend some time in front of the Blessed sacrament in adoration and let God lead you as to his will. Don’t let people rush you. God bless you.
 
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He is on his good behavior now. After marriage you will find out who he really is. You deserve much better! Don’t walk, run!
 
Since you mentioned your age I will comment on that part. I think maybe you feel like you don’t have time to start over so you might as well stick with what you have and get started. I felt the exact same way. My marriage lasted less than a year and it was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. If I’m reading it right it sounds like you’ve already had an abortion because of this man. As a man I will tell you, he is not going to change. It’s the old saying “men marry women hoping they won’t change and women marry men hoping they will change.” He may have an epiphany later in life but are you willing to risk your whole life on that tiny chance? Please don’t make the mistake that I and so many others have and take the advice already given…RUN AWAY!
 
People usually act better during dating than they do after the wedding, when they think they don’t have to put so much effort into it.

In other words, it won’t get better than this.
 
Two questions I would ask first of all
  • Why do you want to marry him?
  • Why does he want to marry you?
This doesn’t sound like a good scenario.
 
Thank you… this is a big concern of mine. I feel called to the vocation of marriage and family life. But I have to remind myself that it must be with the right person…
 
Is he going to be the husband and father who is prepared to give up his own life for you and your children so that all of you may live? If yes, marry him.

The different words for love used in the Greek language might help you to see what kind of love is between the two of you.

Greek words for love - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org en.wikipedia.org
 
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