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TheLittleLady
Guest
Do not compound things by living together. The bonds that you have with him because of the past sexual relations do cloud your judgement. I pray that you can find clarity and peace.
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Sbee0
Guest
Cold feet is having some doubts whether you want to be married right now at all, and it probably wouldn’t matter who you were marrying. This isn’t that, it’s you questioning your relationship with this guy and imo rightfully so. I think God is trying to tell you something about this relationship. Unfortunately, these kinds of fears are usually very well founded.
You deserve better, someone who you’ll love and you’ll love back and make you happy in every way, with no “major” red flags. Can’t tell you what to do but it’s something to think about. All the best.
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babochka
Guest
And even prior to that, Confession of the sin of abortion did not need to be made to a bishop. There were procedures in place for the priest to follow so that Absolution could be given, although it might not be immediate.Kima:
Wrong.
Sorry to derail, but this misinformation needs to be corrected.
The Pope gave priests, across the globe, permission to forgive abortion indefinitely 3 years ago.
Pope Francis Permits Catholic Priests to Forgive the 'Grave Sin' of Abortion Indefinitely
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otjm
Guest
There are priests who have a background in counseling (few), and there are priests who open their mouth and out comes the Holy Spirit (some).
But far too many priests are not even merely competent in advising on issues such as this. I go to a priest for spiritual counseling; I don’t go to him for psychological counseling, or neurosurgery, or financial counseling. Why? because all too often he has not been trained in those areas.
There are people trained in counseling, and in the specific area of marriage counseling. They are the experts. The Op has given indicators which definitely lean towards an individual (prospective husband) with some serious anger management issues; Either she did not say much to the priest, or he is simply not picking up on major clues.
That in no way suggests the priest is not competent in spiritual direction; but this is not a matter of spiritual direction; it is a matter of psychological counseling. I do not suggest the priest is not a good priest; only that “going to the priest” or back to him presumes competence in matters that, according to the OP’s statements, the priest does not appear to show.
You may feel it is arrogant to not take the priest’s advice; I feel that it absolutely anything but arrogant (and that is as polite as I can put it).
But far too many priests are not even merely competent in advising on issues such as this. I go to a priest for spiritual counseling; I don’t go to him for psychological counseling, or neurosurgery, or financial counseling. Why? because all too often he has not been trained in those areas.
There are people trained in counseling, and in the specific area of marriage counseling. They are the experts. The Op has given indicators which definitely lean towards an individual (prospective husband) with some serious anger management issues; Either she did not say much to the priest, or he is simply not picking up on major clues.
That in no way suggests the priest is not competent in spiritual direction; but this is not a matter of spiritual direction; it is a matter of psychological counseling. I do not suggest the priest is not a good priest; only that “going to the priest” or back to him presumes competence in matters that, according to the OP’s statements, the priest does not appear to show.
You may feel it is arrogant to not take the priest’s advice; I feel that it absolutely anything but arrogant (and that is as polite as I can put it).
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PennyinCanada
Guest
God designed that men and women should not have sex until after coming before friends and family and God to proclaim their commitment and love to each other in marriage. God made sex as the super glue to hold married couples together. When a couple has sex before marriage it is applied before the right time. It makes it hard to see things about the relationship with a clear mind. Many times a woman will choose to minimize relationship problems, yet, if it was her sister or good friend who voiced these things, they would counsel them to leave the relationship.
Honor God with your life. God wishes to be in our life, in our marriage, in our families. We need God’s grace every day. Having a partner who is prayerful, who looks to God’s guidance and help, who makes Godly things a priority, this is a good partner for life and a good person to raise a family with you.
Honor God with your life. God wishes to be in our life, in our marriage, in our families. We need God’s grace every day. Having a partner who is prayerful, who looks to God’s guidance and help, who makes Godly things a priority, this is a good partner for life and a good person to raise a family with you.
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Jelisabeth
Guest
At first he agreed, and now has changed his mind to say if we don’t get married as planned, there is a 99% chance we won’t stay together. To be honest, things aren’t always bad. We do get along, laugh, have fun, have common goals, etc. But I can’t shake this bad feeling and fear. I’m worried I am just “thinking negatively”, or if it’s God trying to show me that this isn’t the right path for me… that things would turn out badly. I feel so lost and each day that passes makes me more stressed as we have to decide a major life event in little over a couple of months. I don’t know if I’m ruining or saving my life.
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Mi_Rose
Guest
You should go to counseling by yourself.
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PennyinCanada
Guest
You broke up twice before. Your parents are worried.
That’s important information.
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TradViolin
Guest
I feel that you should look into discernment of spirits (and Ignatian spirituality in general), as it will help you to discern what God wants you to do. In addition, I highly recommend that you should ask around for someone (preferably a priest or religious) who knows Ignatian spirituality, talk to them about your situation and your feelings, and get their advice on what to do before taking further action in your situation.
With that said, I want to give you my opinion based on what you have written in your posts and what I know about discernment of spirits. (Note: I am going to be drawing from this article and the two articles listed at the bottom of the page, and I highly encourage you to read all three.) Going back to your last post, based on what you said, it looks like God’s will is sadly for you not to be with your fiance. If you are doing God’s will, then you should be able to feel at peace, a peace that only He can give you. However, you note that you can’t get rid of the nagging bad feeling and fear that you talked about in this post. This tells me that you aren’t able to feel at peace with your relationship with your fiance, which indicates that it may not be of God. In addition, whenever one is living in a way not consistent with God’s will (not necessarily sinful), the Devil will try to make them complacent and content with their circumstances. This seems to be happening in your situation, as you note that you’re staying with him because of a hope that he’s going to improve.
In closing, I would like to reiterate what I said at the beginning of my post and highly encourage you to go see someone who knows Ignatian spirituality and talk to them about your situation before taking any further action on it.
St. Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us!
With that said, I want to give you my opinion based on what you have written in your posts and what I know about discernment of spirits. (Note: I am going to be drawing from this article and the two articles listed at the bottom of the page, and I highly encourage you to read all three.) Going back to your last post, based on what you said, it looks like God’s will is sadly for you not to be with your fiance. If you are doing God’s will, then you should be able to feel at peace, a peace that only He can give you. However, you note that you can’t get rid of the nagging bad feeling and fear that you talked about in this post. This tells me that you aren’t able to feel at peace with your relationship with your fiance, which indicates that it may not be of God. In addition, whenever one is living in a way not consistent with God’s will (not necessarily sinful), the Devil will try to make them complacent and content with their circumstances. This seems to be happening in your situation, as you note that you’re staying with him because of a hope that he’s going to improve.
In closing, I would like to reiterate what I said at the beginning of my post and highly encourage you to go see someone who knows Ignatian spirituality and talk to them about your situation before taking any further action on it.
St. Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us!
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angel12
Guest
I think this tells you a lot. You have valid concerns, but he doesn’t respect that. I would take this as a clear indication to break it off.
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Anne1964
Guest
This is a tough decision to make. From what you have said there are many red flags: infidelity, lying, being mean to you when he is angry and the fact that you were so concerned about his ability to support you emotionally (and financially?) during your pregnancy that you had an abortion.
As others have said people are usually on their best behavior during the dating and engagement period. Marrying him will not change him. You cannot change him. He must want to change and be willing to work for that change.
Does he know that you were pregnant?
Can you honestly see him being a good father for your children?
Will he be kind and patient with them?
Will he model for them how to treat a wife and mother?
Is he Catholic?
Does he want to be married in the church?
Does he want to raise your children in the church?
Does he want children?
What are his parents like?
Does he have a good relationship with them?
How does he treat his mother?
What was his childhood like?
How does his father treat his mother?
Has he been engaged before?
Has he been married before?
Has he had long-term relationships lasting a year or more before?
These aren’t questions for you to answer here, but things to think about as you make your decision.
The fact that so many people who know you well, your parents and friends object to this marriage is serious.
Please take time to discern and pray about this and don’t let him pressure you into a marriage that may end in disaster.
As others have said people are usually on their best behavior during the dating and engagement period. Marrying him will not change him. You cannot change him. He must want to change and be willing to work for that change.
Does he know that you were pregnant?
Can you honestly see him being a good father for your children?
Will he be kind and patient with them?
Will he model for them how to treat a wife and mother?
Is he Catholic?
Does he want to be married in the church?
Does he want to raise your children in the church?
Does he want children?
What are his parents like?
Does he have a good relationship with them?
How does he treat his mother?
What was his childhood like?
How does his father treat his mother?
Has he been engaged before?
Has he been married before?
Has he had long-term relationships lasting a year or more before?
These aren’t questions for you to answer here, but things to think about as you make your decision.
The fact that so many people who know you well, your parents and friends object to this marriage is serious.
Please take time to discern and pray about this and don’t let him pressure you into a marriage that may end in disaster.
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Jelisabeth
Guest
I stood my ground and said we needed to postpone. At first, my fiancé reacted fine with that, but after thinking it over and speaking with his family, he became very upset and angry. On Wednesday night he came over to take the ring back as well as all of his possessions at my house. He said terrible insults about myself, my family… throwing our past issues back into my face in order to hurt me. When he’s angry, he uses words to hurt, not solve a problem. I took that to mean we had broken up, and as sad as it was, went ahead to call the venue, etc. Then, two or three days later, he says he can’t loose me and wants to go to counseling together and move in and get married next year. That he’s still upset but doesn’t want to loose me. I’m so emotionally drained, I’m at a loss of what I want anymore. Part of me thinks breaking up and moving on would be the best choice, as my doubts were about his character and fundamental relationship issues. I’m not sure if I’m willing to further invest after the insults said and our tainted past. But I’m not sure if it’s not fair to not give it a chance… after almost 4 years together (and me being almost 33). I do love him… but is that enough to get over what has happened? Sorry for this long and dramatic issue. Reading these posts has been very helpful to me, especially being from a Catholic perspective.
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halogirl
Guest
He showed his true colors when you stood your ground. Classic pattern of abuse is to act out like this then be all ‘but I love you, I’ll change’. Stand firm. I loved my ex too and was with him ten years but dang was he bad for me. The right person is out there xxx
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HeDa
Guest
Go away for three-four days or a week and spend it in a quiet place like out in the countryside. Turn off social media and go for walks or sit on a hill and look at the scenery instead.
You could stay at a convent that has a guest house or retreat centre. In many places sisters/brothers are there if you need someone to talk with.
You could stay at a convent that has a guest house or retreat centre. In many places sisters/brothers are there if you need someone to talk with.
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Lou2U
Guest
I’m glad you postponed.
If it’s possible, could you get some counseling for yourself? You can work through your thoughts with someone objective. I know of people who’ve done that and they found it extremely helpful.
If you’re asking for my opinion - you could do so much better. I don’t think he deserves any more of your time, so please don’t feel obligated to give him any. Think about it - do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who can’t control their temper and thinks it’s acceptable to insult you and your family?
If it’s possible, could you get some counseling for yourself? You can work through your thoughts with someone objective. I know of people who’ve done that and they found it extremely helpful.
If you’re asking for my opinion - you could do so much better. I don’t think he deserves any more of your time, so please don’t feel obligated to give him any. Think about it - do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who can’t control their temper and thinks it’s acceptable to insult you and your family?
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angel12
Guest
This, this, this. PLEASE do this.
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Irishmom2
Guest
I agree with @halogirl, his behavior is that of a classic abuser. He hurts with his words and his taking back the ring and his possessions and then later apologizes and wants you back and will do anything to have you back.
Don’t get back with him, unless you want this cycle to go on for the rest of your life. He has shown who he is, now believe him! You can do so much better than an abuser. Even being alone is better than being with him. I know you are worried because of your age, but please believe me, you are not too old to find someone better and fall in love, get married and have some kids. Please, for your own sake, let this relationship go.
Cut off all contact with him and get some counseling, not to ask if you should go back with him, but to find out why you settle for so little and how to move forward. You deserve better.
Don’t get back with him, unless you want this cycle to go on for the rest of your life. He has shown who he is, now believe him! You can do so much better than an abuser. Even being alone is better than being with him. I know you are worried because of your age, but please believe me, you are not too old to find someone better and fall in love, get married and have some kids. Please, for your own sake, let this relationship go.
Cut off all contact with him and get some counseling, not to ask if you should go back with him, but to find out why you settle for so little and how to move forward. You deserve better.
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Bruised_Reed
Guest
This. @Jelisabeth, you think you are drained now? Wait til life happens: job loss, serious health issues, declining health of parents. What about children?
My mom was married to a selfish, cruel man. She wasted so much energy dealing with him she couldn’t parent her only child properly.
OP, I’m so sorry you have to go through this, but you have to get out. You’ll do much better, on your own.
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Kaliaa
Guest
I can’t help focusing in on the order of his “getting back together”… counseling, move in, marriage. Think about it. What’s wrong with this picture? What’s the last thing he wants?
Pray hard, very hard.
For sure “moving in” is NOT part of God’s plan for your life.
Pray hard, very hard.
For sure “moving in” is NOT part of God’s plan for your life.
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