When are we "obliged to repudiate (formally separate from)" a spouse?

[Job2007]

I just read this in the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

2387: “The predicament of a man who, desiring to convert to the Gospel, is obliged to repudiate one or more wives with whom he has shared years of conjugal life, is understandable…”

When is one “obliged to repudiate (formally separate from)” a spouse?

I would appreciate any insight. Thanks.

 

[jmcrae]

I just read this in the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

2387: “The predicament of a man who, desiring to convert to the Gospel, is obliged to repudiate one or more wives with whom he has shared years of conjugal life, is understandable…”

When is one “obliged to repudiate (formally separate from)” a spouse?

I would appreciate any insight. Thanks.

When there is more than one.

I hope this helps you.

 

[Job2007]

Thanks. In my case, my wife has refused conjugal relations unless artificial contraception is used and has stated that she would abort any baby that might be conceived. As a result, I have chosen abstinece for the last 2 1/2 years.

I want to make sure that I am not obliged to repudiate my spouse.

 

[jmcrae]

Thanks. In my case, my wife has refused conjugal relations unless artificial contraception is used and has stated that she would abort any baby that might be conceived. As a result, I have chosen abstinece for the last 2 1/2 years.

I want to make sure that I am not obliged to repudiate my spouse.

No - there is still hope that yours may yet become (and may already be) a valid marriage. Until death ye do part!

 

[Job2007]

I won’t. Thanks!

 

[ack]

The answer to your question is found in the second half of the Catechism paragraph (which you omitted from your post):

The predicament of a man who, desiring to convert to the Gospel, is obliged to repudiate one or more wives with whom he has shared years of conjugal life, is understandable. However polygamy is not in accord with the moral law. "[Conjugal] communion is radically contradicted by polygamy; this, in fact, directly negates the plan of God which was revealed from the beginning, because it is contrary to the equal personal dignity of men and women who in matrimony give themselves with a love that is total and therefore unique and exclusive. The Christian who has previously lived in polygamy has a grave duty in justice to honor the obligations contracted in regard to his former wives and his children.

While your situation is regretful, you are not required to “repudiate” your wife.

 

[Job2007]

It is not ovbious from the CCC paragraph that polygamy is the prequisite. It appears that a “desire to follow the Gospel” places the obligation.

 

[Rascalking]

I think there are options for you, instead of just being celibate.

I am, of course, no expert, but talk with a priest about this. It’s really not healthy for a marriage to be celibate for that long of a time.

 

[Job2007]

We’ve spent many hours discussing this with priests, Catholic counselors and NFP instructors. Continence is the only option until my wife has a change of heart, particularly since she insists that the form of artificial contraception be a male condom.

 

[jrsmith]

Thanks. In my case, my wife has refused conjugal relations unless artificial contraception is used and has stated that she would abort any baby that might be conceived. As a result, I have chosen abstinece for the last 2 1/2 years.

I want to make sure that I am not obliged to repudiate my spouse.

It sounds like you may not even be in a valid marriage. No openness to children is excellent grounds for an anullment.

 

[Rascalking]

We’ve spent many hours discussing this with priests, Catholic counselors and NFP instructors. Continence is the only option until my wife has a change of heart, particularly since she insists that the form of artificial contraception be a male condom.

Many hours with all those people and she still isn’t down with the NFP thing huh? As much as I would like to disagree with her (and I think her comment about aborting your child is jarring, to say the least) I do understand her point. Some people swear by NFP, and those people seem to despise anyone who questions it more then they hate satanists.

I still find it hard to believe that everyone you spoke to told you that celibacy was the only option. That seems very extreme.

 

[Job2007]

I still find it hard to believe that everyone you spoke to told you that celibacy was the only option. That seems very extreme.

If you can quote a doctrinal source that states otherwise, I’m all ears!

 

[tcm22]

I find it interesting that the wife does not want children, threatens to abort any child conceived, and is willing to live a celibate life within her marriage, but puts the obligation to use contraception on her spouse.

At first glance, I suspect there is more to this problem than a desire to avoid pregnancy. It sounds like manipulation to me. If that’s the case, then perhaps through prayer and counseling there is some opening for the future of the marriage.

Job, I applaud your faith and your commitment to your marriage. I’ve been married for 20 years. It’s been wonderful, but hasn’t always been perfect. When I see commitment like yours, it certainly puts my own life into perspective. God Bless You.

 

[Job2007]

It sounds like you may not even be in a valid marriage. No openness to children is excellent grounds for an anullment.

I’ve brought this up in the forum before. The overwhelming response was that I don’t have grounds. I thought we might, since neither of us were EVER taught that artificial contraception is grave sin. Before you all jump all over me…yes this is true. I went through RCIA and pre-cana 21 years ago and it was just NOT taught. I recently spoke to the priest that set up these courses, and he admitted that the church was just not into teaching this back then. My wife is a cradle Catholic, but grew up during the 70s and 80s (the “light and fluffy” years of the Church) when the objective was not to offend or drive anyone away. I found this item in the CCC three years ago and could not believe it. As more background, we have three kids and she has MS.

 

[Job2007]

I find it interesting that the wife does not want children, threatens to abort any child conceived, and is willing to live a celibate life within her marriage, but puts the obligation to use contraception on her spouse.

Since we were previously using contraception (before I was aware of the gravity of it), she views it as though I am the one that has “changed the rules”. It has become a real test of wills for her, unfortunately.

 

[Becks]

It sounds like you may not even be in a valid marriage. No openness to children is excellent grounds for an anullment.

No openness to children at the time of the marriage may be grounds for an annulment. No openness to children at this time in the marriage means nothing towards an annulment.

 

[jmcrae]

It sounds like you may not even be in a valid marriage. No openness to children is excellent grounds for an anullment.

Don’t be jumping the gun. We must always work in favour of the marriage, regardless of the appearance of the circumstances.

 

[mrpathetic]

I just read this in the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

2387: “The predicament of a man who, desiring to convert to the Gospel, is obliged to repudiate one or more wives with whom he has shared years of conjugal life, is understandable…”

When is one “obliged to repudiate (formally separate from)” a spouse?

I would appreciate any insight. Thanks.

This was added to the catechism because of converts to Christianity who were polygamists. Remember, many religions (such as Islam) still permit and practice polygamy, to this day. These converts still should join the Church - but they have a legal, moral, and ethical responsibility, to all of their spouses.

So generally the Church will require that convert to keep one wife, and the remaining marriages are annulled. (Generally, it is the second marriage, and any following marriage, unless there was an impediment to the first marriage.) However, the convert is still expected to provide and care for the children of the other spouses.

Now polygamy is quite rare today, compared to days of old, so this portion of the catechism probably isn’t applicable to most members of this forum. It is certainly not applicable in your case, Job2007, because you are married only once.

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I have addressed the canonical aspects of your circumstance, Job2007. My next post will address the practical circumstances of your marriage, and how to cope with celibacy.

 

[mrpathetic]

I can feel for your circumstance, Job2007. I am probably more qualified to post on this topic than anyone else in this forum. Why? Because I have endured nearly identical circumstances - for 16 years. So I think my experiences over the past decade and a half will be enlightening to you - and also, a warning.

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Trust me, the situation does not get any easier. The third year was not easier than the 15th year.

Years go by and by, there’s no sex, and I felt my masculinity drain away. After a while, you feel like half of a man. Eventually, my sense of dignity and self-respect drained away.

I felt my soul lurching towards bitterness and despair. This isn’t what I signed up for, when I took my marriage vows. Marriage is supposed to be a banquet of conjugal love - not a desert of lonliness and emasculation.

I spent years trying to change my spouse, and the dynamics of my relationship. I spent years on counseling, self-help books, and the like. It didn’t work. It was wasted time and money. My wife is equally hard-headed and selfish, as your own. She will never have sex with me again, under any circumstances. (My spouse refuses sex to me, due to her SSA.)

I considered divorce and annulment, but again, I could not justify it to myself ethically or morally. It would have destroyed my family, and made life for my children miserable. I couldn’t do it.

Lust, fantasy, pornography, adultery - all the temptations have been there. I have to fight them off constantly. These temptations will always be there. It is a spiritual battle that I have fought, and will likely continue to fight, until the day they lower me into my grave.

Eventually, I came to realize that this burden was a cross from the Lord. When I accepted this reality, I could finally cope with the situation. With prayer, the Eucharist, and acts of charity, I could continue to lead a Christian life.

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My warning to you is this: **do not become embittered by your circumstance. Do not lose your own soul, because your wife has decided to lose hers. **

Meditate tonight on Mark 8:34, and see if this circumstance is the cross the Lord wants you to bear:

34
He summoned the crowd with his disciples and said to them, "Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me.
35
For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and that of the gospel will save it.

 

[Becks]

The fact that there are people out there who think so highly of their vows and the sacrament of marriage to live in a marriage with issues as deep as these is refreshing. I hope that I would have the courage to do the same.