When Catholic Family "Remarries"

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xformer7

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How have others handled this encounter…

Nominally Catholic Sister-in-law divorced. Without annulment announces her engagement to the family.

How do you respond in the face-to-face encounter (SIL and fiance)? “Congratulations”? Silence? Disapproving frown?
 
Haven’t had any Catholic family do so, but several Catholic friends. In each case I encouraged them to talk to their priest and work through the annulment process before getting married. To date, I am batting 0. They all went ahead and married outside the Church, planning to “someday” take care of the annulment. Still waiting.

But I did my part.
 
Thanks, Ike. Looking more specifically for the appropriate **initial **response. Those first words…
 
xformer7 said:
How have others handled this encounter…

Nominally Catholic Sister-in-law divorced. Without annulment announces her engagement to the family.

How do you respond in the face-to-face encounter (SIL and fiance)? “Congratulations”? Silence? Disapproving frown?
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“Um, did you forget something? Like, an annulment?”

“I have a great priest, want to talk to him before you commit adultery?”

“So I guess you are willing to trade the Body of Christ for committing adultery?”

😉
 
Hmm, depends on the situation of that first encounter. I wouldn’t bring it up, but if she comes up with fiance and says “We are getting married” then, while I wouldn’t outrightcongratulate them, I wouldn’t frown or antagonize them either. I would probably smile and maybe ask if they have a date yet. Later, you can look for a good moment to talk with her and suggest speaking with a priest/looking into the annulment process. All of this done with love and respect, taking into consideration the fact that you have been blessed with a clarity in the matter that she may not possess. If you want to be able to help her at all, prayer and love have to be involved the whole way.
 
Depends on the situation. If the announcement is made to a large group, it is better to remain silent at that moment. It is not usually appropriate to publicly chastise someone. If the announcement is made personally to you, a loving, but disapproving statement would be appropriate: “I love you and want the best for you, and ___ seems like a good person. But I can’t be happy about your engagement because you are still married to __ in God’s eyes.” The second statement would work at any stage, not just the announcement, but also for the moment when she asks your kids to be in the wedding, or invites you to the wedding at the park. Or simply when it comes up after the large group announcement at which you were respectfully quiet. Be prepared to follow it up with, “Here is what you can do to get on the right track:_____”
 
Um, mind your own business? And if that fails and someone absolutely must say something it should be your husband. You do not want to start butting in to your in-laws marriages, divorces, personal relationships in general.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
“Um, did you forget something? Like, an annulment?”

“I have a great priest, want to talk to him before you commit adultery?”

“So I guess you are willing to trade the Body of Christ for committing adultery?”

😉
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I don’t think such harsh statements would do anything but antagonise the situation. There is such a thing as approaching with love and charity.
 
xformer7 said:
How have others handled this encounter…

Nominally Catholic Sister-in-law divorced. Without annulment announces her engagement to the family.

How do you respond in the face-to-face encounter (SIL and fiance)? “Congratulations”? Silence? Disapproving frown?
Click to expand...
This is a difficult situation. My husband’s brother remarried outside the Church. We congratulated the couple, though, like you, we were torn on how to react appropriately. We also struggled mightily with actual attendance of the wedding.

Hubby tried to talk to his brother before the wedding, but brother indicated that the Church and Her teachings were not important to him, so it was not an issue for him. It was a very difficult topic for hubby to broach to begin with and with that response and attitude, he hasn’t revisited it. Brother has been remarried for just over two years now. We rarely see them, but we pray for the family, that brother will someday return to the Faith and bring his family with him. (They now have a little girl who is almost 16 months old.)
 
mommamia said:
I don’t think such harsh statements would do anything but antagonise the situation. There is such a thing as approaching with love and charity.
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Did ya see the little winky face at the bottom of my post??

😉
 
How about “That’s great! I didn’t even know you had applied for an annulment, and it’s already gone through!”

😉

In all seriousness, though, I don’t think scowling and finger-wagging is a necessary prerequisite to communicating the Catholic teaching on the indissolubility and sacramentality of Marriage. I would follow the same guidelines for Fraternal Correction as for any other matter of faith and morals to discern what ought to be said and how to go about saying it.
 
mommamia said:
Oh dear, sorry…I should have paid more attention. 😊
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It’s OK, I was just trying to insert a little humor into the situation. It’s so distressing when our loved ones don’t take the conditions of their souls seriously.

😦
 
1ke said:
Haven’t had any Catholic family do so, but several Catholic friends. In each case I encouraged them to talk to their priest and work through the annulment process before getting married. To date, I am batting 0. They all went ahead and married outside the Church, planning to “someday” take care of the annulment. Still waiting.

But I did my part.
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My take: YES, you did your part, you are batting 1.000 (or maybe .406 is more accurate).👍

Your friends are still batting .000 😊
 
It’s such an awkward situation for faithful Catholics when our family and friends (Catholic and non-Catholic alike, remember, non-Catholics marry validly too) get remarried without an annulment. On the one hand, you don’t want to encourage and congratulate sin, on the other, you don’t want to look like a jerk. It’s hard to find that careful balance in the middle, especially when dealing with non-Catholics who don’t believe in the Church’s teachings at all.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Um, mind your own business? And if that fails and someone absolutely must say something it should be your husband. You do not want to start butting in to your in-laws marriages, divorces, personal relationships in general.
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As Catholics we are supposed to share the Truth. It is hard and can be uncomfortable to do so, believe me, many times it would be easier to just stay quiet and go with the flow and “mind our own business”. When you love your family you want what is best for them. Also, a person needs the Truth in order to make an informed decision. Maybe her sil doesn’t even realize that she can take these steps to marry validly.

That being said, you brought up a great point, the husband might be better (unless he feels that for some reason it would be better coming from her).
 
lifeisbeautiful said:
As Catholics we are supposed to share the Truth. It is hard and can be uncomfortable to do so, believe me, many times it would be easier to just stay quiet and go with the flow and “mind our own business”. When you love your family you want what is best for them. Also, a person needs the Truth in order to make an informed decision. Maybe her sil doesn’t even realize that she can take these steps to marry validly.

That being said, you brought up a great point, the husband might be better (unless he feels that for some reason it would be better coming from her).
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The OP Said that the SIL is " nominally Catholic". Furthermore she’s planning on getting married. People who have gone so far as to get engaged generally don’t reconsider said engagement because of their family’s beliefs. Chances are as a nominal Catholic she doesn’t care what the church would say about her new marriage.

If anything was going to be said it needed to be done when she started dating. It won’t do any good now. It will just be butting in for the sake of it.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
The OP Said that the SIL is " nominally Catholic". Furthermore she’s planning on getting married. People who have gone so far as to get engaged generally don’t reconsider said engagement because of their family’s beliefs. Chances are as a nominal Catholic she doesn’t care what the church would say about her new marriage.

If anything was going to be said it needed to be done when she started dating. It won’t do any good now. It will just be butting in for the sake of it.
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I agree that it is better to say it sooner than later. Nevertheless, it is still good to tell her, the sooner the better. As long as we are here on Earth there is still time. There are people that seek an annulment or to do things right (annulments are never guaranteed anyways) many years after remarriage.
I do think you bring up another good point. We don’t know how she feels about her Catholic faith (for example, there are nominal Catholics that may not practice, but they value the Church and really want their children to receive the sacraments etc, and there are some that are indifferent). It is up to the OP and her husband to pray for guidance on how to help this woman as best they can. And yes, it can do good. Even if she doesn’t take any action now, it might plant a seed that will help her straighten her spiritual life in the future.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
It will just be butting in for the sake of it.
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It’s not butting in when the person speaks directly to you and expects a response. If she says to you, “I got engaged!” you are obligated not to be dishonest. If she asks your child to be in the wedding, you can tell her why you’re saying “no.” It’s not butting in, it’s just speaking.
 
Thanks all. Not that it makes a difference to the conversation, but I am male (for those posters referring to me in the feminine).

I expect at an upcoming family gathering, my wife and I will be pulled aside and my SIL with boyfriend will announce an engagement. I understand points made regarding fraternal correction, but it won’t change the impending announcement so I am preparing myself to handle that initial encounter. My wife and her family are likely to congratulate as they are also weak in their faith. I don’t want to congratulate, but still not sure what an appropriate response is. A hug and smile? Frown and walk away? At that particular moment, nothing seems clearly appropriate. WWJD?
 
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