When discerning a vocation to marriage with Miss X: whose interests to consider? mine or her?

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When discerning an idea to marry someone, shall I take into account her point of view (i.e.: she will have problems if I break up with her) or just my own?

I would break up with my GF. The problem is, she is already 33, and her life circumstances are now such that it is unlikely that she finds a good alternative. We have known each other for 5 years and dating for a little more than 1 year. She is a good candidate for me, but she is not a great one. If she had a good alternative and safe, happy future — I would let her go. I want her to be happy.
 
At the risk of stating the obvious, marriage is an important decision (not to mention, life commitment) and should be made for the “right” reasons taking into account both your needs and the other person’s. While sacrifice is of course a part of marriage, at the same time you also need to consider your own interests. Remaining in a relationship with someone (let alone marrying them) solely because of the consequences for them if you separate is, if anything, likely to create more problems in the long run than you’re seeking to avoid now.
 
If you don’t want to marry her, don’t! I can’t think of anything more obvious in the world.

She’s 33. Many, many people find love well after 33 - she’ll be fine. But it’s been a year, don’t waste any more of her time.
 
You sound like you are considering marrying her out of pity and a false idea that she won’t ever find love again?
That’s not a good enough reason to marry someone. Marriage is a sacrament of lifelong love and commitment to the other. It doesn’t sound like you want to enter that with this woman.

On another note…she won’t appreciate that you only want to marry her out of pity. It’ll make her feel undervalued and stupid. Don’t think it wouldn’t become obvious after a few years of marriage.

If you don’t love this woman then the most honourable and respectful thing to do is to tell her how you feel as gently as possible. She’s only 33. It’s not that old. She could well meet someone else who adores the ground she walks on. And that’s what every woman deserves and desires.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
If you don’t want to marry her, don’t! I can’t think of anything more obvious in the world.

She’s 33. Many, many people find love well after 33 - she’ll be fine. But it’s been a year, don’t waste any more of her time.
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Right.
 
STF said:
When discerning an idea to marry someone, shall I take into account her point of view (i.e.: she will have problems if I break up with her) or just my own?

I would break up with my GF. The problem is, she is already 33, and her life circumstances are now such that it is unlikely that she finds a good alternative. We have known each other for 5 years and dating for a little more than 1 year. She is a good candidate for me, but she is not a great one. If she had a good alternative and safe, happy future — I would let her go. I want her to be happy.
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This is unfair to her. If she is not THE ONE for you, then you must let her go so can find someone else, however unlikely you think that will happen (God may have other plans).
 
AdamPeter said:
You sound like you are considering marrying her out of pity and a false idea that she won’t ever find love again?
That’s not a good enough reason to marry someone. Marriage is a sacrament of lifelong love and commitment to the other. It doesn’t sound like you want to enter that with this woman.

On another note…she won’t appreciate that you only want to marry her out of pity. It’ll make her feel undervalued and stupid. Don’t think it wouldn’t become obvious after a few years of marriage.

If you don’t love this woman then the most honourable and respectful thing to do is to tell her how you feel as gently as possible. She’s only 33. It’s not that old. She could well meet someone else who adores the ground she walks on. And that’s what every woman deserves and desires.
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Right.

With regards to your last paragraph, I would suggest that the OP come up with a more diplomatic line than “She is a good candidate for me, but she is not a great one.”
 
Catholic1954 said:
This is unfair to her. If she is not THE ONE for you, then you must let her go so can find someone else, however unlikely you think that will happen (God may have other plans).
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I don’t think that there is literally only one person for each of us (some people manage a second happy marriage after being widowed), but I feel like one should FEEL that this person is the only person on earth for oneself.
 
I agree with the above posters that at this stage, if you aren’t interested in marriage to her, she needs to know, hurting feelings or not. Otherwise, she will assume there’s a chance you’ll marry her. The longer this is prolonged, the worse it will be for all concerned.
 
Xantippe said:
Right.

With regards to your last paragraph, I would suggest that the OP come up with a more diplomatic line than “She is a good candidate for me, but she is not a great one.”
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Well, English may be their second language…the OP is from Poland. Perhaps it got lost in translation.
 
Oh my. Just a month ago you were inquiring about finding a priest to include a vow that your wife would “obey” you in the wedding you were planning with your fiancee. Have things went downhill that fast that you are ready to call it off? Or did she suddenly realize she was not a dog that needed to obey a master, but a wife that was to be a partner in marriage.
 
In your previous threads, you referred to her as your fiancée. Are we to understand you have already proposed to this lady and are now considering calling it off? Because that is quite a bit different than simply ending a dating relationship. 😦
 
Irishmom2 said:
Well, English may be their second language…the OP is from Poland. Perhaps it got lost in translation.
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I know a little Polish and I doubt it sounds better in Polish. But, try as I can, it’s hard to come up with anything much better.

–I love you as a sister, but I don’t think we should get married.
–I care for you deeply, but don’t see us getting married.
–I don’t think we’re right for each other.

???
 
jmjZelie said:
In your previous threads, you referred to her as your fiancée. Are we to understand you have already proposed to this lady and are now considering calling it off? Because that is quite a bit different than simply ending a dating relationship. 😦
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True.

In a previous thread if I remember correctly, the OP was mulling over getting “submission” and “obey” into the wedding vows for himself and his fiancee.

It sounded like a very sure thing then.
 
STF said:
When discerning an idea to marry someone, shall I take into account her point of view (i.e.: she will have problems if I break up with her) or just my own?

I would break up with my GF. The problem is, she is already 33, and her life circumstances are now such that it is unlikely that she finds a good alternative. We have known each other for 5 years and dating for a little more than 1 year. She is a good candidate for me, but she is not a great one. If she had a good alternative and safe, happy future — I would let her go. I want her to be happy.
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And you are already 35, so whàt makes you think you will be any better off than her at finding someone? A little more than a year ago, you were looking for dating site according to one of your threads. And then you started dating a woman you had already known for 5 years.

Just let her go since your heart is not in it.
 
Xantippe said:
True.

In a previous thread if I remember correctly, the OP was mulling over getting “submission” and “obey” into the wedding vows for himself and his fiancee.

It sounded like a very sure thing then.
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While submission is a very hot, controversial topic on CAF, I think most would agree that if we are going to read the Bible literally when it comes to women submitting to their husbands, we have to also take very seriously, that part about men loving their wives.

If the OP really wants his wife to submit to, even obey him, then it seems really unfair for him to expect that, when he’s unable to meet his obligations here.

And sure, “love is a choice, not a feeling”, and all that. And some women (and men) of a certain age just want security and a friendly kind of love, not romantic love per se. I know people like that. Might even be turning into one, myself.

But I don’t know if that’s the case for the OP’s fiancée. If she really does want marriage with a man who desperately loves her, then she needs to be told the truth, so that she can make her own choice, whether to settle, or not.
 
*"I am getting married. My fiancée and I agree that she would vow to me (love, faithfulness and) obedience/submission. We both desire it. Hovewer this seems problematic in this feministic church. What can be done about it?

We are from Poland, but can travel. Have you heard of any legal, official Catholic vows of obedience/submission of wife to her husband? In Poland we had those until 1928. I have also heard of those in an anglican diocese of Sydney."*

This was a previous post you had. Are you talking about the same woman? You seem to have led her on to the point where she believes you are getting married. In all fairness you probably shouldn’t be getting married. Your idea about a vow of obedience for wives to husbands is absurd and completely misunderstands the nature of marriage. Spouses are supposed to be equals, running the race to heaven together. You are not supposed to be her master. The language in the letters of Paul is metaphorical, designed to show us the importance of the man truly loving and sacrificing for the woman. The emphasis is on the man giving up himself for his spouse, as Jesus did for the Church. Not on the woman submitting to the man.

In any case, why are you looking for this woman to be obedient to you if you aren’t willing to love her like Christ loves his Church? Maybe I’m misunderstanding what you mean but judging by your posts you really need to step back and decide whether you are willing to enter into the self-emptying, sacrificial, relationship of marriage with a woman who you seem only lukewarm about.
 
Can you please answer the original question. You are all saying to ignore her point of view and just think of myself — good, but is this love or egoism, then?
ToeInTheWater said:
And sure, “love is a choice, not a feeling”, and all that. And some women (and men) of a certain age just want security and a friendly kind of love, not romantic love per se. I know people like that. Might even be turning into one, myself.

But I don’t know if that’s the case for the OP’s fiancée. If she really does want marriage with a man who desperately loves her, then she needs to be told the truth, so that she can make her own choice, whether to settle, or not.
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She just wants marriage with me.

And yes, love is a choice — this is clear to both of us. I have spent the whole lent on bloody cold analysis and prayer (yes including the obedience thing), and she knows that. (Feelings can be helpful, and I do have feelings for her, but I am not stupid enough to base my life and my marriage upon feelings.)
 
AdamPeter said:
Your idea about a vow of obedience for wives to husbands is absurd and completely misunderstands the nature of marriage.
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No my friend: ordinariate.net/documents/resources/AC_Marriage_Rite.pdf . As you can see, this is 100% Catholic. And this vow of obedience was being used throughout the history, too. Deal with it.
AdamPeter said:
In any case, why are you looking for this woman to be obedient to you if you aren’t willing to love her like Christ loves his Church? Maybe I’m misunderstanding what you mean but judging by your posts you really need to step back and decide whether you are willing to enter into the self-emptying, sacrificial, relationship of marriage with a woman who you seem only lukewarm about.
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I am. Sacrifying my own life so that she can be happy is what this question is about.
 
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