When do you admit that you love someone?

[Belgarion]

I’ve known a young woman for a good time now, and we’ve spent much time together as friends.

I’ll admit that I love everything about her! I wrote a checklist a few yers ago, describing the qualities I want in a wife (personality, etc) and she fulfills them all!!

The thing is (as some may already know) I have not been allowed to court her yet (I asked her dad and he said to wait. I’m going to talk to him again soon) but I’ve spent lots of time getting to know her.

I haven’t been able to get to know her on that romantic relationship level. So I’m wondering if its possible to love someone even when you haven’t seen that part of them yet.

Judging from the rest of her personality, I don’t think I really have anything to worry about.

But I think I’ve finally admitted that I actually love her

Is there something wrong with that? I’ve been interested in her for well over a year now. I believe I started liking her TWO years ago. Maybe more!

I am a very cautious individual when it comes to this. I’ve said “I love you” to someone before and I ended up with a broken heart (even though she said she loved me, too) I’ve refused to say (or even admit) that word unless I am VERY sure. I’ve been through too much heartbreak to throw that word around foolishly.

But this time…it really seems like a reality. No, I KNOW it is a reality.

My one problem is that I am coming to this conclusion before I have entered into a relationship with her.
Its not unheard of, of course. So maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

I just wondered if anyone here in CAF had an opinion that might be helpful to me.
thank you!
And God Bless!

 

[thenewmrssears]

First, do you mind if I ask how old you are? I’m just curious because you are asking permission to date the girl which no matter the age is absolutely wonderful!

I think one can fall in love at any time. I knew I loved my husband way before we started really dating. It was that love at first sight feeling.

However, like you I had been burned and kept my mouth shut until we had been together for about 5 months.

I say ask her dad again and take it from there!

Good luck!

 

[BamaRider]

Is she still in lockdown?

When speaking about if she could be the one with what ya know now you said this-

Is there something wrong with that?

Prolly not.

am a very cautious individual when it comes to this. I’ve said “I love you” to someone before and I ended up with a broken heart (even though she said she loved me, too) I’ve refused to say (or even admit) that word unless I am VERY sure. I’ve been through too much heartbreak to throw that word around foolishly.

Well providing ya get her off lockdown, I’d wait awhile before I sprang the news on her. But eventually you’ll hafta to lay it out.

I haven’t been able to get to know her on that romantic relationship level. So I’m wondering if its possible to love someone even when you haven’t seen that part of them yet.

At 19 *anything *is possible. Tell me, are you in what I call the “fog” when she’s around? When a guy is in the fog about a young lady he can’t think straight. I use to see it all the time in the young guys I use to work with when they started dating someone new.

I recall your earlier thread, you’ve been sweet on this young lady for awhile, respectfully ask her daddy what ya gotta do to get her off lockdown.

Then ya had these statements-

But this time…it really seems like a reality. No, I KNOW it is a reality.

I’ll admit that I love everything about her! I wrote a checklist a few yers ago, describing the qualities I want in a wife (personality, etc) and she fulfills them all!!

That’s the fog speaking.

I just wondered if anyone here in CAF had an opinion that might be helpful to me.

I see where ya are, and where ya wanna go. My opinion is you need to wait a while before you make the final decesion she is the ONE. When you DO start dating her that is only the beginning to see if y’all are meant to be together.

 

[Belgarion]

First, do you mind if I ask how old you are? I’m just curious because you are asking permission to date the girl which no matter the age is absolutely wonderful!

I think one can fall in love at any time. I knew I loved my husband way before we started really dating. It was that love at first sight feeling.

However, like you I had been burned and kept my mouth shut until we had been together for about 5 months.

I say ask her dad again and take it from there!

Good luck!

Thank you very much!

I am 19, and I asked her father’s permission when I was 18.

Even though I am just now admitting it, I think the real moment that I fell for her was at my 18th birthday party.

There was a paper cup near an open window. In the paper cup was a weird bug…lol
So I took the cup over to a group of girls, who proceeded to freak out. When I took the cup over to this girl, she looked at me, then the bug and GRABBED the bug with her bare hands!!!

She walked over to the window and tossed it outside!!

I thought “Wow…” since she was the only one who wasn’t yelling “Get it away from me!!”



Anyways, when her father isn’t busy, I’m talking to him again. I’ve been pacing around my living room, rehearsing what I’m going to say to him.
I really hope he will approve of my request.

 

[thenewmrssears]

Well good luck.

Isn’t it funny the moments that make us realize we are in love with someone? God shows us our hearts at the most interesting times!

Many a person has realized they are in love at some of the weirdest moments.

Is she under 18? Is this why she is being so closely supervised?

Sorry for the questions. I’m not familiar with the backstory.

 

[Belgarion]

Is she still in lockdown?

I suppose it depends on what you mean!!

Well providing ya get her off lockdown, I’d wait awhile before I sprang the news on her. But eventually you’ll hafta to lay it out.

Perhaps, but I think we’re at a point where we couldn’t get to know each other better unless we were in a relationship.

At 19 *anything *is possible. Tell me, are you in what I call the “fog” when she’s around? When a guy is in the fog about a young lady he can’t think straight. I use to see it all the time in the young guys I use to work with when they started dating someone new.

Nope, no fog. I went into that stage rather early. I can think quite clearly when I’m around her. We talk about quite a bit of stuff, so I really have to pay attention!

I recall your earlier thread, you’ve been sweet on this young lady for awhile, respectfully ask her daddy what ya gotta do to get her off lockdown.

That word!! LOL

Yes, I intend to do so.

That’s the fog speaking.

not necessarily.
Actually, that’s quite inaccurate. If anything were to throw me off, it would be a lack of total honesty of personality. But hearing from her family, she’s being honest with the personality she presents to me.

There’s no fog, as I examine everything carefully! I know what the fog is like, and I know how to avoid it!!

I see where ya are, and where ya wanna go. My opinion is you need to wait a while before you make the final decesion she is the ONE. When you DO start dating her that is only the beginning to see if y’all are meant to be together.

Very true.
That’s ultimately what I want to have happen.

I believe that I am in love with her.

The purpose of a relationship now would be to prove one of two things.

1. That I’m right

or

1. That I’m wrong.

Either way is helpful to me. If I’m right, I go down the path God has laid out for me. If I’m wrong, I do the same!

 

[Belgarion]

Well good luck.

Isn’t it funny the moments that make us realize we are in love with someone? God shows us our hearts at the most interesting times!

Many a person has realized they are in love at some of the weirdest moments.

Is she under 18? Is this why she is being so closely supervised?

Sorry for the questions. I’m not familiar with the backstory.

Yes!! ITs the absolutely weird moments that are amazing! You realize this person is as crazy as you are!!!

anyways, no, she’s not under 18. In fact, she’s a month and a half older than me. Her family just has strict rules.

 

[DL82]

There was a paper cup near an open window. In the paper cup was a weird bug…lol
So I took the cup over to a group of girls, who proceeded to freak out. When I took the cup over to this girl, she looked at me, then the bug and GRABBED the bug with her bare hands!!!

She walked over to the window and tossed it outside!!

I thought “Wow…” since she was the only one who wasn’t yelling “Get it away from me!!”

Wow, and I thought romance was dead!

Some guys say it with flowers, you bring the one you love a cup with a bug in it. You sure know the way to a girl’s heart.

I’m just messing with you. You sound like you really care about this girl, especially since you remember little stuff like this. I hope you have more luck with her father this time.

 

[Belgarion]

Wow, and I thought romance was dead!

Some guys say it with flowers, you bring the one you love a cup with a bug in it. You sure know the way to a girl’s heart.

I’m just messing with you. You sound like you really care about this girl, especially since you remember little stuff like this. I hope you have more luck with her father this time.

I always thought I had a way with women!
I really do care for her, though. I’ve recently written up a list of what I love about her and I put in everything I could think of! I missed a bunch that I remembered today!! The bug thing was one of them!

Thank you all so much! I feel much better about talking to her father now! I was rather nervous before!!

 

[BamaRider]

There’s no fog, as I examine everything carefully! I know what the fog is like, and I know how to avoid it!!

You know how to handle the fog at 19?? If you say sooooooooooo.

Been my experience, that doesn’t happen in the first few relationships. But you are ahead of the curve! Bonus points.

 

[Belgarion]

You know how to handle the fog at 19?? If you say sooooooooooo.

Been my experience, that doesn’t happen in the first few relationships. But you are ahead of the curve! Bonus points.

I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I was rather mature at a younger age. I was awfully young when I decided that dating was for marriage. I got over the fog earlier. Not THAT much earlier though…lol! I’d say that this is the first relationship where the fog wasn’t an issue.

 

[chevalier]

I haven’t been able to get to know her on that romantic relationship level. So I’m wondering if its possible to love someone even when you haven’t seen that part of them yet.

Strictly speaking, that would be hard to achieve. You don’t have those feelings before you, well, have them, so any pre-testing is, strictly speaking, impossible. With more cohesion, we could wonder if we can really know we love someone before we experience how that person behaves in a rromantic context, but again, a romantic relationship without romantic feelings would bland and experience of someone’s behaviour in a romantic context generally pertains more to our decision whether we want to pursue the feelings which we seem to have. In short, the answer is affirmative.

But I think I’ve finally admitted that I actually love her

Don’t push that step. It’s not a checkpoint.

Is there something wrong with that? I’ve been interested in her for well over a year now. I believe I started liking her TWO years ago. Maybe more!

Years don’t matter. It took me two or more to forget a girl I last saw the day after I first met her, one one occasion. Once again, don’t push the step. If you aren’t fully convinced, ask yourself why and answer.

I am a very cautious individual when it comes to this. I’ve said “I love you” to someone before and I ended up with a broken heart (even though she said she loved me, too) I’ve refused to say (or even admit) that word unless I am VERY sure. I’ve been through too much heartbreak to throw that word around foolishly.

Hmm… Are you wondering if you really love her? That’s something you must answer yourself on your own.

As a side note, previous experience is not all that relevant. Granted, it educates, but it also prejudices and makes people answer for crimes of others.

But this time…it really seems like a reality. No, I KNOW it is a reality.

It looks like you need reassurance. Is something giving you particular trouble?

My one problem is that I am coming to this conclusion before I have entered into a relationship with her.

Which is exactly the way it should happen.

 

[Belgarion]

Strictly speaking, that would be hard to achieve. You don’t have those feelings before you, well, have them, so any pre-testing is, strictly speaking, impossible. With more cohesion, we could wonder if we can really know we love someone before we experience how that person behaves in a rromantic context, but again, a romantic relationship without romantic feelings would bland and experience of someone’s behaviour in a romantic context generally pertains more to our decision whether we want to pursue the feelings which we seem to have. In short, the answer is affirmative.

Wow, dude! Are you talking in circles?!?!
confusing, but I think I got what you meant.

Don’t push that step. It’s not a checkpoint.

How so? I mean, I know admitting it to myself isn’t a huge step…but admitting it to others is. Not to mention admitting it to her father. AND of course, admitting it to her.

Years don’t matter. It took me two or more to forget a girl I last saw the day after I first met her, one one occasion. Once again, don’t push the step. If you aren’t fully convinced, ask yourself why and answer.

I’ve done that SO MANY times. It was part of the whole process for me. I just asked myself why I loved her and I ended up writing a whole page of single-spaced (no paragraphs) reasons!!

Hmm… Are you wondering if you really love her? That’s something you must answer yourself on your own.

Nope, I’m not wondering if I do. I think I’ve been over that. I believe I’m just trying to make sure I’m not hastily coming to that conclusion…Though I suppose you’re right…I would have to answer this on my own. No one can really TELL me how I feel unless they witnessed it for themselves.

As a side note, previous experience is not all that relevant. Granted, it educates, but it also prejudices and makes people answer for crimes of others.

I think I was stressing the educational importance. But you still have a valid point.

It looks like you need reassurance. Is something giving you particular trouble?

Not really.
I mean, it was weird a week ago…I asked myself why I liked her, and in the process of answering myself, I realized that I couldn’t hide from the reality of my feelings.

If anything is giving me trouble, its the lack of a official relationship. But I hope to work on that soon.

Which is exactly the way it should happen.

You did talk in circles…didn’t you? LOL
Its OK.
I realize though that you can fall for someone even more. Its not like once you start loving them, you can’t go any further.
Love deepens.

 

[kage_ar]

First, as you know, we are commanded to love everyone - so, it is fine to admit you love her.

When it comes to romantic love, eros, it is very easy to “fall in love” with someone because they are kept from you - the whole forbidden fruit thing.

Pray, pray some more, and take her to dinner sometime.

 

[Belgarion]

First, as you know, we are commanded to love everyone - so, it is fine to admit you love her.

When it comes to romantic love, eros, it is very easy to “fall in love” with someone because they are kept from you - the whole forbidden fruit thing.

Pray, pray some more, and take her to dinner sometime.

Trust me, I don’t love her because I can’t have her.

Its just not like that.

But I have been given the choice to go out with other girls.

Because of my feelings for this one, I flat-out refuse to do so.

I will pray! I’ve been praying for over a year about it!
I would love to take her to dinner, but her family rules would definitely prevent that. Now, if I had them ALL over for dinner, that’d be ok.

However, I’m am going to negotiate all of this with her father. Perhaps I can persuade him to make some compromises

 

[chevalier]

Wow, dude! Are you talking in circles?!?!
confusing, but I think I got what you meant.

Sorry if I wasn’t very clear. The matter is rather difficult to pin down precisely. In short, experiencing a romantic relationship without true romance is bland and moot if at all possible (there is an internal contradiction). True romance without love is downright impossible. What remains is basically trying out how the person behaves when you get closer. Some kind of test of how he or she handles some things which are important in love and in a relationship, but which don’t fully unfold without a true feeling anyway. In short, it’s almost entirely pointless.

How so? I mean, I know admitting it to myself isn’t a huge step…but admitting it to others is. Not to mention admitting it to her father. AND of course, admitting it to her.

Sometimes we have steps. Say, you have a plan in which you make small achievements up until the big success, or you simply move forward in a series of steps rather than a fluid linear progress. This may especially happen to people who have a strong need of achievement, or who are simply somewhat impatient.

I’ve done that SO MANY times. It was part of the whole process for me. I just asked myself why I loved her and I ended up writing a whole page of single-spaced (no paragraphs) reasons!!

Were they convincing?

Nope, I’m not wondering if I do. I think I’ve been over that. I believe I’m just trying to make sure I’m not hastily coming to that conclusion…Though I suppose you’re right…I would have to answer this on my own. No one can really TELL me how I feel unless they witnessed it for themselves.

The point is that you need to convince yourself but convincing yourself will not do.

I think I was stressing the educational importance. But you still have a valid point.

Yup.

If anything is giving me trouble, its the lack of a official relationship. But I hope to work on that soon.

No hurry. Things don’t have to be official to be true. What do you gain from it being official? Sanction? Approval? Security? Those can be important, but the most important thing is the substance.

You did talk in circles…didn’t you? LOL

Only sometimes.

 

[chevalier]

First, do you mind if I ask how old you are? I’m just curious because you are asking permission to date the girl which no matter the age is absolutely wonderful!

I beg to differ. Parents don’t have authority in matters of the heart and that girl is adult at that. No matter how romantic it may seem to obtain the father’s permission the old romantic way, it’s the woman herself that makes the decision. No amount of the father’s consent can remove the woman’s dissent and no amount of the father’s dissent can remove the woman’s consent.

 

[Belgarion]

Sorry if I wasn’t very clear. The matter is rather difficult to pin down precisely. In short, experiencing a romantic relationship without true romance is bland and moot if at all possible (there is an internal contradiction). True romance without love is downright impossible. What remains is basically trying out how the person behaves when you get closer. Some kind of test of how he or she handles some things which are important in love and in a relationship, but which don’t fully unfold without a true feeling anyway. In short, it’s almost entirely pointless.

It sounds like a paradox.

But really, I think that you can fall in love with someone who is your friend. AND you can also fall in love while you are in a relationship. Each situation is different. Love is hardly ever logical.
(In my case, I’m lucky to have logic on my side as well!)

Sometimes we have steps. Say, you have a plan in which you make small achievements up until the big success, or you simply move forward in a series of steps rather than a fluid linear progress. This may especially happen to people who have a strong need of achievement, or who are simply somewhat impatient.

I don’t know what the heck I am and how fast I’m moving and in what way…LOL
All I know i that I’m tired of standing around and doing nothing. Things need to move forward.

Were they convincing?

Heck yeah!! I’m talking about stuff that just moved my entire being just thinking about it!

The point is that you need to convince yourself but convincing yourself will not do.

So she needs to convince me? Or what? I don’t think that’s necessary. For some reason, sometimes I feel like I need convincing, but I think that’s just because I’m not thinking! I’m feel like that at around midnight when I go to bed! I am tired and not thinking clearly! Or perhaps the devil is trying something. The idea of me needing to be convinced about my feelings for her is absurd when you know all (or even some) of the details!
I’m not explaining this properly…I hope I’m not coming off as foolish.

No hurry. Things don’t have to be official to be true. What do you gain from it being official? Sanction? Approval? Security? Those can be important, but the most important thing is the substance.

Very true. But perhaps I shouldn’t say “official” but rather just say “honest”
I do have something to gain from that. When the couple is honest with each other about their feelings, they will be honest about everything else (eventually at least) When you find out that this person loves you more than you can imagine, you will realize that you can count on them. If you are having trouble, they can be your support. And vice versa. That brings the relatioship to a more honest level. That level is one I’m not seeing now. I want to be there for her like that, but there’s this wall that prevents me from doing so. That is simply because that would be crossing some boundry that her father has set. However, if I explain everything that I’m feeling and understanding to her (or her father) then that boundry won’t matter.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Even after I tell her, how do I know the wall will go away? Trust me. It will. Sure it may not go away on its own, but if I explain how I feel about something, then she’ll open up to me more.
If she doesn’t ever do that, then that just may be a deal breaker then. But that’s a very unlikely possibility. I know her well enough to know that.

Only sometimes.

Yeah! I’ve only see you do it once! But even then, it was just pointing out the paradox that is romance and love…

 

[Belgarion]

I beg to differ. Parents don’t have authority in matters of the heart and that girl is adult at that. No matter how romantic it may seem to obtain the father’s permission the old romantic way, it’s the woman herself that makes the decision. No amount of the father’s consent can remove the woman’s dissent and no amount of the father’s dissent can remove the woman’s consent.

Of course.

but in this particular case, the father is not going to give me permission unless she cares for me as I care for her.

This young woman is really making the decision to care for or love me. The father is just deciding when the relationship is ready to take place.

Strange still, I know. But I’m hoping to convince him that its ready, and that waiting is pointless and perhaps unhealthy for the relationship and the couple involved.

 

[chevalier]

It sounds like a paradox.

Well, it is one.

There’s no reason to get into a relationship if one isn’t in love. If one falls in love when already within a relationship, then something was too hasty, but luckily it turned out well.
Please note that falling in love when already in a relationship and falling in love with a friend are not the only two possibilities. You can fall in love during the phase in which you get to know someone whom you could hardly call a trusted and tested friend.

(In my case, I’m lucky to have logic on my side as well!)

That’s debatable.

I don’t know what the heck I am and how fast I’m moving and in what way…LOL
All I know i that I’m tired of standing around and doing nothing. Things need to move forward.

That’s what I’m talking about. Don’t I make a fine interrogator?
But it’s good you want to do something. Hasty action is bad, but inaction isn’t great either. So, ready to look the father in the eye?

Heck yeah!! I’m talking about stuff that just moved my entire being just thinking about it!

Let’s return to the beginning. I can see that it has moved your entire being. I still ask if all those things convinced you.
Hint: Sometimes we fill the gaps.

So she needs to convince me? Or what? I don’t think that’s necessary. For some reason, sometimes I feel like I need convincing, but I think that’s just because I’m not thinking! I’m feel like that at around midnight when I go to bed! I am tired and not thinking clearly! Or perhaps the devil is trying something. The idea of me needing to be convinced about my feelings for her is absurd when you know all (or even some) of the details!
I’m not explaining this properly…I hope I’m not coming off as foolish.

Nope, she doesn’t. The point is that no matter how hard you tell yourself something, it won’t really give you true conviction. The latter only comes in a natural way. So, would you say that you aren’t filling any gaps?

Very true. But perhaps I shouldn’t say “official” but rather just say “honest”

I read you. Now that’s something interesting.

When the couple is honest with each other about their feelings, they will be honest about everything else (eventually at least) When you find out that this person loves you more than you can imagine, you will realize that you can count on them. If you are having trouble, they can be your support. And vice versa. That brings the relatioship to a more honest level.

I see. So you concentrate more on both of you admitting the feelings (presuming she has some) to each other than on publically laying a claim.

I want to be there for her like that, but there’s this wall that prevents me from doing so. That is simply because that would be crossing some boundry that her father has set.

Nah, let’s not overestimate it. Her father can’t forbide you to talk to her and he can’t prevent you from standing for her. He can only limit your ability to take care of her by physically being there, or restrict your communication. But he can’t fully prevent the bond you talk about and certainly not the feelings which lead to it.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Even after I tell her, how do I know the wall will go away?

Nope, hasn’t crossed my mind yet.

Trust me. It will. Sure it may not go away on its own, but if I explain how I feel about something, then she’ll open up to me more.

Be careful. As much as you may have everything planned, as you may be convinced and fully certain, there are still other factors. There’s she, there’s her father. There’s always God’s will able to change any human plans. Much may happen yet.

Yeah! I’ve only see you do it once! But even then, it was just pointing out the paradox that is romance and love…

I’m a lawyer not a lover.

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