When do you stop pointing out Church teachings to someone who is living in sin?

[Liberanosamalo]

Don’t make the issue about her sinfulness. Or about the Church’s rules. No conversation starting that way will end well.

Make it about the men she wants… the good, dependable kind that make commitments and keep them. THEY will not even look at her because she is not free to marry. So SHE is the one who is weeding out the good men.

What you can do is offer her a solution that will help her immensely. And help her repair the damage she did to your ex BIL.

She can tell him BECAUSE she feels she didn’t appreciate her vows as much as he did, that she is going to file for an annulment so HE will open to remarry someday someone who will love him the way he deserves. That she is sorry. That she sees how happy he is now and she wants to help him. (I know very few divorced people who would see a comment like that as an insult. It may just make them happy.)

And during that process, tell her you were a witness to her childhood, her becoming an orphan, her early marriage… her motives, your family… that you would be happy to testify as a witness. That this process could be very healing. That if she is ready to heal in life, the Church as a wonderful way to do it. So that the next kind of man she meets, she will approach it as a whole, healthy woman. The annulment process is a way of binding up those wounds.

It does sound like she jumped from the frying pan into the fire. That her seeking to escape her childhood situation and marrying was not a full consent of the will to marriage and she lacked due discretion. At the time she and he may have not had the capacity to be married. Her life choices were limited by your father.

This can all come out and be examined by the tribunal. It can lead to some self-awareness on her part of just where she went wrong in the marriage.

And it can help heal the bitterness with the ex. If she frames it in the sense of helping him to move on with his life because he deserves that happiness she couldn’t give him.

Then when she is truly free… maybe the better choices will start coming to her.

 

[cheese_sdc]

She is NEVER going to remarry, or meet a decent man…because it’s not God’s will…how could it be God’s will if she STILL IS married? Should I say that to her?

No. You have no more idea of what God’s will is than an earthworm knows what you ate for lunch.

 

[OLHope]

Ciao Sorella!!

First things first! When is God going to drop the man of her dreams in front of her door? Never! God doesn’t work that way. This is a more seek and ye shall find, if it were that easy, we would all be married! OK, but since no one dropped on her doorstep this is great useful time for her to begin the annulment process. When that is about to go through its final phases, then can you encourage her to begin finding legitmate material in a Catholic husband. Otherwise be the broken record she will be too irritated to listen to, either that or be resilient. The quiet or the repetitive “get your annulment” will make her dodge the subject in the future. You hold your ground, you keep your stance solid.

It’s hard and it’s direct, and if you know it may lean towards lecturing or dirty comebacks, just politely say I don’t want to talk about this, and the context that you deliver that in should come across as understood that you are irritated with her behavior and choices. I, too, become very disappointed in my older sisters choices, sometimes the silence is enough from keeping the both of us from blowing up.

 

[whatevergirl]

WG, your sister has been through A LOT with the death of your parents and having to fill their shoes. Did she ever go through counseling at that point?

*The sad answer to this, is no. As a matter of fact, she never even wanted to talk about it with me. I sought counseling when I went to college, I remember her telling me shortly after I moved to Florida, that she was going to seek out a counselor, but she never did. *

It sounds like she might still carry some baggage from that experience, baggage which could have undermined her relationship when she married and which could undermine any future relationships. The way that she avoids looking into the annulment process indicates that she might be avoiding dealing with her past issues. She really does need to do this if she wants to move forward with her life.

I agree. I think if she were to sit down and be honest, one on one with a priest…she would see the Light. Literally! I think that she is afraid, ashamed, whatever she is feeling. She also has a love/hate relationship with the Catholic Church…I’m not sure why that is, but she sometimes mocks the faith, then says she loves it, mocks it…and on and on. I have often told her, you can’t have one foot in the Church, and one foot out. I pray for her, we talked today. She was crying about how alone she feels.

 

[whatevergirl]

Ciao Sorella!!

First things first! When is God going to drop the man of her dreams in front of her door? Never! God doesn’t work that way. This is a more seek and ye shall find, if it were that easy, we would all be married! OK, but since no one dropped on her doorstep this is great useful time for her to begin the annulment process. When that is about to go through its final phases, then can you encourage her to begin finding legitmate material in a Catholic husband. Otherwise be the broken record she will be too irritated to listen to, either that or be resilient. The quiet or the repetitive “get your annulment” will make her dodge the subject in the future. You hold your ground, you keep your stance solid.

It’s hard and it’s direct, and if you know it may lean towards lecturing or dirty comebacks, just politely say I don’t want to talk about this, and the context that you deliver that in should come across as understood that you are irritated with her behavior and choices. I, too, become very disappointed in my older sisters choices, sometimes the silence is enough from keeping the both of us from blowing up.

*Ciao Bella! lol

Thanks for your reply. Yes, this is very good advice. I am glad I posted the question here, you have all been most helpful.

The sad sad reality for my sister is this…that perhaps she should have stayed married. My BIL was devestated when she left him. He was VERY anrgy. They have recently made amends, she met him for dinner, and apologized. She said it was very good…a closing of sorts. I have found that many people think of the word annulment as something one gets who had a shotgun ceremony in Vegas, woke up the next day and said…oops. No, people who have been married for decades can explore the process, and I have told her received declarations of nullity. One some level, she doesn’t think that she ‘‘needs’’ to do this. On another level, she entertains the idea. *