When forgiveness feels like betrayal

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Trident_H

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So there’s a thing I need to bring up. It’s a part of my past that will never be healed. But it’s a part that I need to move past at some point. I don’t know.

I mean how can a guy forgive someone who hurt someone else they loved? Is there even a place for that? Is that even a thing a guy should try to do? I mean for me it’s a hard sell. I don’t think I can ever really do it. I don’t even think it’s possible.

But if I don’t I can’t get into heaven, right?

Anyway. Thanks for looking into this for me.

Peace guys.

-Trident
 
Whatever it is, if you’ve confessed it, move on. If not, do so as soon as possible. I made my first confession last night as part of the process of converting. I had something pretty dark to confess that’s been sitting there inside me for seven years. But I got it out. You need to do the same. Leave it at the cross and walk away from your past.

“If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:8-9
 
You forgiving the wrong-doer does not make what they did right-- that’s God’s place, not yours.

Rather, you forgiving is you surrendering to God: letting go of the anger and hurt we feel inside, and letting His great healing work in your heart. At the same time, you also God to judge a righteous judgement and handle it far better than you ever could.

Forgive, let God’s healing in, and trust Him to make judgement.
 
Trident_H said:
So there’s a thing I need to bring up. It’s a part of my past that will never be healed. But it’s a part that I need to move past at some point. I don’t know.

I mean how can a guy forgive someone who hurt someone else they loved? Is there even a place for that? Is that even a thing a guy should try to do? I mean for me it’s a hard sell. I don’t think I can ever really do it. I don’t even think it’s possible.

But if I don’t I can’t get into heaven, right?

Anyway. Thanks for looking into this for me.

Peace guys.

-Trident
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Never say never.

The Lord within you can let you forgive, not you. Allow Jesus in you to do the forgiving. You don’t have to “feel” the forgiveness, but desire what is best for the person who caused much hurt.

God’s love is the greatest power in the world.

St. Maria Goretti, at eleven years of age, forgave the young man who tried to attack her, and when she resisted, he stabbed her fourteen times. She forgave him. He was in prison for many years and one night had a powerful dream that she appeared to him with fourteen lilies.

He repented and became a lay brother at a monastery. He also became friends with St. Maria’s mother, and visited her when she was dying.

St. Maria Goretti’s relics are now making a tour of the United States.

Peace and Prayers,

Dorothy
 
jane_doe said:
You forgiving the wrong-doer does not make what they did right-- that’s God’s place, not yours.

Rather, you forgiving is you surrendering to God: letting go of the anger and hurt we feel inside, and letting His great healing work in your heart. At the same time, you also God to judge a righteous judgement and handle it far better than you ever could.

Forgive, let God’s healing in, and trust Him to make judgement.
Click to expand...
I would add that often times you forgiving others frees you from the pain and burden of holding onto negativity, and anger. Why allow that person to continue to have any effect on you or your wellbeing? They will be judged accordingly. God Bless you.
 
I can understand this. I was told to forgive, but it is OK to be wary and not forget. God is fair. I have to be reminded of this daily.
 
Oh wow, Trident. What a huge question. I am happy for you that God has brought you to a place where you can begin to unpack this question and all its baggage.

I don’t have an answer for you but I would love to introduce you to a new person, the mother of St Maria Goretti. Read about St Maria Goretti, what happened to her and by whom. And then, much later the story continues between her mother and her attacker. Those are the people who can teach you about this kind of forgiveness. But they don’t teach from a book. No, first you read their story, and then you talk to them. Ask them to pray for you. Ask them to help you understand this kind of forgiveness, which is so much harder than forgiving someone who has hurt you and you alone.

I will continue to pray for you, Trident, my friend.

Edited to add: I just read the other comments and see that I am not the first one to introduce you to their story. I think that clinches it. St. Maria Goretti is who you need to talk to about this. She can help you forgive like she did, and like her mother did.
 
jmjZelie said:
Oh wow, Trident. What a huge question. I am happy for you that God has brought you to a place where you can begin to unpack this question and all its baggage.

I don’t have an answer for you but I would love to introduce you to a new person, the mother of St Maria Goretti. Read about St Maria Goretti, what happened to her and by whom. And then, much later the story continues between her mother and her attacker. Those are the people who can teach you about this kind of forgiveness. But they don’t teach from a book. No, first you read their story, and then you talk to them. Ask them to pray for you. Ask them to help you understand this kind of forgiveness, which is so much harder than forgiving someone who has hurt you and you alone.

I will continue to pray for you, Trident, my friend.

Edited to add: I just read the other comments and see that I am not the first one to introduce you to their story. I think that clinches it. St. Maria Goretti is who you need to talk to about this. She can help you forgive like she did, and like her mother did.
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🙂 I would recommend that all who can check out the schedule of what parts of the U.S. her relics will be and if it is reasonably close to go and pray with the others there. I hope to hear of many blessings to those who can go.
 
peter26 said:
Whatever it is, if you’ve confessed it, move on. If not, do so as soon as possible. I made my first confession last night as part of the process of converting. I had something pretty dark to confess that’s been sitting there inside me for seven years. But I got it out. You need to do the same. Leave it at the cross and walk away from your past.

“If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:8-9
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Well I did finally confess it. After years of keeping it inside. About a month or so ago. And you’re right. It was the first step forward. But it’s really not the last. Not until I follow the advice to forgive. But thanks for that man. I appreciate that.
jane_doe said:
You forgiving the wrong-doer does not make what they did right-- that’s God’s place, not yours.

Rather, you forgiving is you surrendering to God: letting go of the anger and hurt we feel inside, and letting His great healing work in your heart. At the same time, you also God to judge a righteous judgement and handle it far better than you ever could.

Forgive, let God’s healing in, and trust Him to make judgement.
Click to expand...
Thanks jane. This is truth. But it’s still a hard truth. I mean I feel dirty forgiving this stuff. I feel like I’m committing some kind of crime doing that. But thank you for this message. It does help me build towards something. Maybe.
Convert1 said:
I would add that often times you forgiving others frees you from the pain and burden of holding onto negativity, and anger. Why allow that person to continue to have any effect on you or your wellbeing? They will be judged accordingly. God Bless you.
Click to expand...
This is real truth. I know this for sure to be true. But I still have this idea that if I let go of this I’ll lose something noble. If I forgive these people I’ll have let the one who was hurt by it all down. I’ll have betrayed what should never be betrayed. It’s a hard thing to wrestle with. But thank you for your kind thoughts here.
 
Dorothy said:
Never say never.

The Lord within you can let you forgive, not you. Allow Jesus in you to do the forgiving. You don’t have to “feel” the forgiveness, but desire what is best for the person who caused much hurt.

God’s love is the greatest power in the world.

St. Maria Goretti, at eleven years of age, forgave the young man who tried to attack her, and when she resisted, he stabbed her fourteen times. She forgave him. He was in prison for many years and one night had a powerful dream that she appeared to him with fourteen lilies.

He repented and became a lay brother at a monastery. He also became friends with St. Maria’s mother, and visited her when she was dying.

St. Maria Goretti’s relics are now making a tour of the United States.

Peace and Prayers,

Dorothy
Click to expand...
This is a powerful thing. Yes. This is the line I’m on. It’s very close to what I’m dealing with. I’m like the mother in this. But I’m not sure I’ve got her blessings to do this. I mean I can’t ask her. I think it would be different if I had that feeling that it was Ok. But I can’t find that out. So it feels like I’d be giving in to something. It feels like I’d be making things easy. When they should be hard. I’d be becoming meek. When I should be fierce. I don’t know. But I’ll think on this. And read over the advice in your link. Thanks Dorothy. Thanks for that.
 
1990Domer said:
I can understand this. I was told to forgive, but it is OK to be wary and not forget. God is fair. I have to be reminded of this daily.
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Hey Domer. Thanks for taking a break from your own pain to answer this. I didn’t mean to throw this in your way too. It’s just that I’m really awoken to this problem. I’m really struggling with this. Because of another thread. Because of what someone reminded me about. About the last things. About what I’m facing towards. But this is good advice. Thank you.
jmjZelie said:
Oh wow, Trident. What a huge question. I am happy for you that God has brought you to a place where you can begin to unpack this question and all its baggage.

I don’t have an answer for you but I would love to introduce you to a new person, the mother of St Maria Goretti. Read about St Maria Goretti, what happened to her and by whom. And then, much later the story continues between her mother and her attacker. Those are the people who can teach you about this kind of forgiveness. But they don’t teach from a book. No, first you read their story, and then you talk to them. Ask them to pray for you. Ask them to help you understand this kind of forgiveness, which is so much harder than forgiving someone who has hurt you and you alone.

I will continue to pray for you, Trident, my friend.

Edited to add: I just read the other comments and see that I am not the first one to introduce you to their story. I think that clinches it. St. Maria Goretti is who you need to talk to about this. She can help you forgive like she did, and like her mother did.
Click to expand...
Thanks Zelie. Thank you for being there in this. Like a true friend. I mean you actually know what I’m talking about here. You know the score. So it’s a hard fact for me to face. I’ve got those guys in a prison in my mind. Where bad things are supposed to happen to them. Where I want bad things to happen. And forgiving feels like I’m letting them out. It feels like I’m shrugging my shoulders at this. And just clearing the slate.

So yeah. I guess you know why I feel it’d be a betrayal. A real one. But I’m taking your advice to heart in this. I mean you’re also pointing the way to St. Maria and her mother. I think I’ve got to read that story. I think I’ll go over that today. I’ll see what I can draw from that. I’ll try really hard. Because I want to get better. And this is a chain around my neck. This is a weight that keeps pulling me back down.

Thanks Zelie. Thanks so much. I hope you’re doing better. I hope your day’s going well for you. Thanks for reaching out to me here. Thanks for taking that time away from your own stresses. Take care of yourself.

Thanks again to everyone for reaching out. Thanks for trying to adjust my lighting on this.
 
Trident_H said:
This is a powerful thing. Yes. This is the line I’m on. It’s very close to what I’m dealing with. I’m like the mother in this. But I’m not sure I’ve got her blessings to do this. I mean I can’t ask her. I think it would be different if I had that feeling that it was Ok. But I can’t find that out. So it feels like I’d be giving in to something. It feels like I’d be making things easy. When they should be hard. I’d be becoming meek. When I should be fierce. I don’t know. But I’ll think on this. And read over the advice in your link. Thanks Dorothy. Thanks for that.
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Just keep remembering that you do not have to “feel” the forgiveness, just leave the person to Jesus, and use your free will to will healing for the person who caused so much pain. And every time you feel irked by what happened, again, do the same thing.

Your good desires are accepted by the Lord! I know because I have dealt with and still do, a bit, about forgiving a particular person.
 
i held alot of stuff inside throughout my life and there is no other experience you can experience other than forgiveness. i sat in a crowd at a church, attending a special mass, something i would probably never think of doing or taking the initative to do, and have people witness me burst into tears letting over 20 years of deep pain go and not only that but experiencing the holy spirit do it for me and help me throughout like flowing water i tell ya, those tears as they hit the ground felt so good i didnt eve nwant to stop,

men, are men, we hide things keep things inside, nobody knows you, nobody knows me, were usually just faces, we can go years and years deflecting things and shoving them aside, but the amazing thing about forgiveness is this unlocking of your heart, of yourself, its like you shed a body and emerge new, and how amazing that is if you are only helping another? thats why giving feels so good, its all inner deep peace and i tell you that without this unlocking factor, how can you even unlock the keys to the kingdom if you approach jesus crucified whos hanging there saying i forgive you too, and be sour, mad, bitter, and thats not even your well being thats at someone else!!! man its nice to have these posts becuase more and more i learn about gods amazingness, i tell you and i am not a preacher but love is beautiful and the more i look at jesus on the cross the more i see love
 
pwlj_christ87 said:
i held alot of stuff inside throughout my life and there is no other experience you can experience other than forgiveness. i sat in a crowd at a church, attending a special mass, something i would probably never think of doing or taking the initative to do, and have people witness me burst into tears letting over 20 years of deep pain go and not only that but experiencing the holy spirit do it for me and help me throughout like flowing water i tell ya, those tears as they hit the ground felt so good i didnt eve nwant to stop,

men, are men, we hide things keep things inside, nobody knows you, nobody knows me, were usually just faces, we can go years and years deflecting things and shoving them aside, but the amazing thing about forgiveness is this unlocking of your heart, of yourself, its like you shed a body and emerge new, and how amazing that is if you are only helping another? thats why giving feels so good, its all inner deep peace and i tell you that without this unlocking factor, how can you even unlock the keys to the kingdom if you approach jesus crucified whos hanging there saying i forgive you too, and be sour, mad, bitter, and thats not even your well being thats at someone else!!! man its nice to have these posts becuase more and more i learn about gods amazingness, i tell you and i am not a preacher but love is beautiful and the more i look at jesus on the cross the more i see love
Click to expand...
You know man.I think you’re Ok. I think you’re a good sort. Thanks for giving me your angle on this.

Thanks for that.

Peace.

-Trident
 
Nita said:
Excellent article. I particularly found helpful in the section “What Is Forgiveness” where it went into what forgiveness is not.
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Thanks! Your response reminded me to print it out so as to share it with others. 🙂
 
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