When friends cheat..do you end the friendship?

[textile_gal]

I’ve struggled with this the past year and would appreciate any insight.

I was friends with a girl “Amber” for two years when I moved to L.A. At first I thought she was great, we worked out together, ran marathons and really motivated each other. I really enjoyed her company. Two years into our friendship, Amber admitted to me that she had recently cheated on her fiancee. I told her I thought it was wrong and she needed to tell him and tried to get her to think about why she did it etc. I think a real friend holds you accountable for your behavior. Amber laughed it off and told me to stop making her feel bad. She continued this behavior eventually in front of all of her friends at her birthday party I felt sick seeing her do this and all of this changed my view of her. I noticed all of her friends there didn’t seem to care - I felt like I was the only one. I didn’t want to be part of her lies to her fiancee, he was a good man. I started seeing her less and less and eventually pulled away completely. I knew there was nothing I could do to change her behavior, she justified it in her head and didn’t want to talk to me about it. She admitted to stealing friends boyfriends before too, almost proud. The final straw was when I was single and she was engaged, Amber butted in and threw herself at a guy who was intersted in me. She gave him her number and was texting him all weekend. I was angry and we got in a fight over it. That was the last time we really hung out.

I strongly believe that I know I would never engage in those behaviors but doensn’t it say something to continue friendships with people that cheat? I would not want my soon to be husband hanging out with other people who cheat. How can you have a deep and meaningful relationship? How can you relate? Why would you want to associate with someone who doens’t have the same morals as you? I know it’s up to me and I’ve made the choice not to continue the friendship.

The twist is that as I was ending the friendship a good friend of mine “Kathy” (for 10 years) had recently became friends with her through the gym. Amber was her personal trainer for her before Kathy’s wedding. It was an uncomfortable issue and I didn’t want to talk bad about Amber so I didn’t say anything. I guess I was hoping Kathy would ask. She never did and I never said anything. My friendship with Kathy started to get less personal, close. A year and a half go by and now they are best friends. I recently told Kathy the reasons why I don’t hang out with Amber anymore on a factual basis. Kathy told me I have my reasons for ending the friendship and she has her reasons for keeping it. I don’t know if I am being selfish, but I feel betrayed by her. If I had to identify one feeling, it’s betrayal. I’m not jealous that they are hanging out, normally I love when my friends get along. I feel good about ending the friendship with Amber. I am blessed with many wonderful friends in my life. I just feel like if the shoe was on the other foot I wouldn’t snub Kathy and become best friends with someone who hurt her.

Wondering what you guys think about your friends having similar morals to your own as a priority or if anyone has had anything like this happen to them before. Thank you!

 

[Natural_Family]

You’ve done the right thing, even though it was painful and I know how painful it is to have people reject you for being a good person. It is disappointing that your other friend has chosen to prefer this other more superficial friendship. All you can do at this stage is pray for both of them and for the fiance.
For yourself, I would suggest that you try to find other friends who will support your values. Is there a good young adult’s group you could attend where you hear insightful and uplifting talks and get to socialise with other good people? Ask around, look in parish bulletins and on the internet. If you say where you’re from, then perhaps other people on this forum could make suggestions.
In the meantime, I will pray for you, that you may find good friends who will value the goodness in you and treat you as they themselves would like to be treated, and I will pray for the others.
May God bless you and keep you in His loving care.

 

[1ke]

There are two issues here, and they are different issues.

(1) Friendship with a self-professed, proud cheater and boyfriend stealer. I think you are on target here, this is not someone who has the type of character one would want in a friend.

(2) Kathy becoming friends with Amber and you feeling hurt over it. This, IMHO, is not defensible. It’s a free country and people can be friends with whomever they please. And, Kathy being friends with Amber has nothing to do with you. It seems like you want Kathy to be “loyal” to you by not being friends with Amber. Her friendship with you and her friendship (however ill conceived) with Amber are two separate things. She should not have to choose between you or defend her friendship. Your friendship declined over time, and her friendship with Amber grew. It happens.

I think you feel hurt. But, I don’t think Amber being a cheater has anything to do with that.

 

[flyingfish]

I would not be friends with a proud “boyfriend stealer”, but it wouldn’t matter to me if that person cheated on their own boyfriend/spouse.

Everyone sins, everyone has their flaws. If my friend cheats on her husband, I don’t see that as my business. There are plenty of cheaters out there who are otherwise great people and friends.

 

[Rascalking]

I wouldn’t end the friendship. I’d try to convince them that what they are doing is wrong, and convince them not to do what they were doing.

Alot depends on why type of affair it was, etc.

 

[Simon_X]

I am with you Textile Gal, can’t really comment on your friendship with Kathy, but I support you with breaking ties with Amber. I know a guy version of someone like her, and I for one, got tired of of the 2 marriages, 2 divorces, and hookups with women of lesser morals. Also what this is probably doing to his little boy. Also, had to listen the next day after his “dates”, I had to listen to his what he and his “lady” did the night before. Need I say more.

I congratulate you and support you on your decision to cut this person out of your life.

PM me sometime and I ll be happy to talk…take care…

 

[BrokenFortress]

Well, I don’t think I could remain friends with someone who was so openly proud about their cheating. But then, I think it’d be more of an issue with morals, than a specific sin or anything. I just have problems feeling comfortable with people who don’t have similar morals as I do. And the fact that the rest of her friends seemed comfortable with her life choices would make me wonder about the crowd that she was hanging out in.

So, I think I would have done the same thing.

But then, with your other friend, I don’t think you should feel betrayed. She probably doesn’t associate this woman with the cheating, so she probably looks at her in a different way. Who knows. But it’s her choice to be friends, just as it was your choice not to be friends. Some people just don’t get along. I think if you have other friends, you shouldn’t have an issue

 

[iluvmybabies]

I have a friend whom cheated on her hubby because he wanted children and she wanted to party…He is exactly 8 years older than her, she was 21 he was 29 and well you can imagine his want for children and her want to splurge his money and do what she wanted…She didn’t work and he made sure she had all the luxuries you could imagine…All of them!! On a daily basis thousand dollar shopping! Everything a young woman could want!! LOL She would brag, I was 19 and married and with 1 child, broke poor, lol and going back to school…hehehe…She went to parties on a weekend basis, he worked long hours, and after wanted his wife she was not home so he used the excuse to be with the “guys!” Then she started using the complain that he didn’t want to sleep with her anymore, and he didn’t want to make love, I used to look at her, they were both my friends, so I couldn’t stay with my mouth shut esp when she was attacking him and always putting him down…he turned to drinking…He would beg my now exhusband to go out with him when his boys weren’t around so he wouldn’t have to hear his wife…I would be there with my tiny tot until her eyes were cried out!

I would try to talk to both of them to snap out of their childish behavior!!! Him trying to avoid her at all costs and her treating him like he didn’t matter…She would be like “oh thank you for snapping me out of it!” ANd i would remind her that thanks to his 16 hour job she got all that she wanted including a 2000 sq ft condo!!! At her age how many women you know own one!!! I didn’t!!! LOL Well so anyhow, eventually things got worst…And she started calling her husband “gay” and other stuff because he didn’t want to do anything with her…I asked her once if she put herself in his shoes and understood what he was going through when he wanted a baby and his wife didnt and all she wanted to do was have sex without making a baby??? It was painful for him…She said i was full of ****…lol…that all men all they wanted was to have fun without the consequences…youngins!! LOL

Well eventually he started believing her and she caught him in bed one day with one of their guy friends… He was so trashed, no one knows what happened or what he did that caused him to do what he was doing… This was a man I knew since I was 14 years old and whom had women lined up for him 24/7, not to mention he was my other best friend’s uncle!!! So I knew this family pretty well in all my years as their friend…He dated and loved women and the one he chose was his demise!!!

She would call telling me how great her sex life was with all the other men she would hook up with…I felt so sorry for him…And I would tell her to speak with her husband…I heard he started using drugs and that’s probably why he fell into the temptation of giving a man his love… I felt so sorry for him…She used that excuse to get their marriage invalidated…She told the Priest her husband was a homosexual in hiding and lied to her… Well he has a homosexual uncle, so she would tell him that he’s like him and never admitted it…After you hear that constantly when you are emotionally distroyed I am sure you start believing in it…

Now he’s with a man living together, and from what I heard not doing well with the drugs… I hope he recovers soon and straightens out because he was a super hard working man, really sweet, loving, kind and a strong head of a household…Don’t know what happened…And I do hope things get better for him…

I remained friends with her, from a distance…first of all what she did was in her conscience no one elses… Well she got with this guy that was married, she hated herself, and I felt sorry for her…He kept promising he would leave his wife, she hated talking to me because I advised her to leave him, she was helping destroy a family and even his wife told her to please not seek her husband, she didnt’ stop…He finally left his wife, but not divorced…She got pg from this guy and he is a total animal! Abused her physically and her sister! She let him hit her sister in his family reunion because his sister asked him for the keys because my friend- then pg with second baby- was feeling ill and wanted to go home- 30 mins away from home town- and he wouldn’t budge, so his mother told her to stop being a big baby and man up, that every woman gets pg and that they have to handle the baby…her sister snapped at his mother and told her not to talk to her like that, she was not feeling well, and wanted to go home and it was none of her business, he slapped her and told her never to speak to his mother like that again!!! He took off drunk with their first born, threw them out of the car in the highway and left them there…They walked 30 mins worth of driving to her parent’s house!!! I was appalled!!! I couldn’t believe that! But she still went back to him the next day…3 children later and last time I heard they were doing great, he was not working but looking for a job while she was working over time jobs to make ends meet and her 3 kids in daycare centers all day long…

Well to each their own! I feel bad for her and we haven’t spoken in years but I guess that’s what happens you know?!

People make the choices they make and must learn to deal with them…I know I am trying to learn…

I think you did ok in choosing not to be friends with her but don’t lose your friendship with your other friend…just because of her…If all else just look for new friends with your morals, things might go better for you! God bless and good luck!