When is breaking a promise justified?

[apromisemade]

Very long story short:

Another student at my university approaches me and tells me he has been plagued by suicidal thoughts for most of his life. He asks me if I can keep that information to myself, and I say that I will. However, the next time we talk he indicates to me that his suicidal inclinations are much more present and immediate than I had initially understood. He did not say “I’m going to kill myself” outright. Rather he expressed that he was presently contemplating killing himself. At that point, I felt compelled to go back on my word and told a professor who in turn informed the appropriate authorities.

He figures out pretty easily that it must have been me who told and confronts me, asking why I betrayed his confidence. I won’t bore you with the conversation(s) that ensued.

But I’ve been thinking about it. I mean, I’ve been hospitalized for psychiatric reasons, and it’s about the most dehumanizing situation around. So why in the world would I want to be responsible for another person going through that? It doesn’t even make sense. In a way my decision was a selfish one because it was more about protecting myself than him. More specifically protecting myself from even just the fear of having to spend the rest of my life asking myself “What it…?”

Was what I did moral or even logical?

 

[Domiy]

Yes, I think you were quite well justified to do what you did. I’m not sure what kind of viewpoint you want it considered from though; a moral one or a religious one?

Either way, you are not in any sort of wrong. Unless there are some extreme and extenuating circumstances, such as torture or pre-death suffering, nobody has a right to kill themselves. By denying him what he though he wanted (privacy, free-will to do commit suicide), you stuck up for a greater good, one that he doesn’t see but ought to see.

The Bible itself doesn’t say much about keeping promises to mortals. Nobody has a right to hold us to anything except God. That’s not to say that we can lie, but we shouldn’t feel bad for doing something we said we wouldn’t if a delicate situation arose. If this person didn’t want anyone to find out about his problem, he wouldn’t have told you.

 

[kisper]

I would have told someone as well. I do know the unpleasant experience that you and he have gone through. You don’t know if he would have harmed himself if you had remained silent; what if he had committed suicide with you keeping the secret of the struggles he was going through. I don’t think that sentiment is selfish at all, though I understand where you’re coming from.
Hopefully, he can find help through the healthcare system. I would never have gotten through that period of my life without help from others, though I didn’t exactly want it back then. He is hurting and he needs help; He knows that, otherwise he never would have spoken to you about it. I hope his anger subsides. I think the circumstances justified the breaking of the promise. From the sounds of it, the situation escalated to some degree and there was reason to worry for his safety. I encourage you to talk to a local priest about this, they’re there for much more than just looking pretty up by the altar. This is stressful on you as well, don’t let it bottle up. More than anything, pray. That’s the best thing you can do right now.

May God bless both of you,

 

[Bossilla]

As someone who has talked down 4 friends from suicide, I can tell you that you did the right thing.

First of all, a promise is not an oath and not a covenant. The difference? A promise is made upon your own name and reputation. A covenant is made with God as the insurer so that if you do not keep it, God’s reputation is soiled. The Old Testament took oaths and covenants seriously to the death. The thought was “May God do something horrible to me like split me in half with lightening if I don’t do A, B, and C.” A promise is not as serious, but should not be made lightly all the same because breaking the promise for stupid reasons amounts to a lie.

That said, you broke the promise for the sake of preserving life, which is not a stupid reason. In Judeo-Christian law, preserving the natural life of someone can allow for the bending of some rules such as work on the Sabbath.

In the future, it may be best for the both of your feelings to warn them, “If you say anything blatantly suicidal or which may cause harm to someone, I am required by law to tell the authorities.”

There are studies which show that a male is more likely to commit suicide having made the threat and by more deadly means (like shot to the head). Females threaten suicide more and tend to prefer less lethal means such as carbon monoxide, overdosing on pills, and cutting. You should always take suicide threats seriously, regardless of gender, but in your case, you most likely did truly save his life.

If that isn’t enough to prove you did the right thing- Consider if he had taken his life. Not only would you suffer the loss of a friend, but so would any of his family. If he doesn’t want to be your friend due to this, at least he is alive for the sake of his other friends and family. And if he had been the type to want to take someone else on his way out? By keeping your promise, two lives would have been lost. (I’m not trying to malign your friend, btw. I’m just saying that depression is an irrational state of mind in which people do/say strange things. I was diagnosed with Dysthymia, so depression isn’t an unfamiliar stranger.)

Lastly, I noticed that you did distinguish between suicidal ideation and suicidal threats. He doesn’t have to say “I am going to kill myself” for it to be a suicidal threat. Once method/time/etc is being discussed, you might as well call it a threat.
On the other hand, if he had said “Things aren’t going well for me. I want to crawl in a hole and die.”- that is not a suicidal threat, although perhaps something to note.

 

[DexUK]

I have lost one friend to suicide, some years ago, and watched and cared for another who often struggles with suicidal impulses.

You did the right thing. He is in the midst of his suffering now so the breaking of your ‘promise’ feels hurtful, but when he comes out of the other side of the maelstrom he is in and is hopefully cured of it, he will be able to look back and be thankful that you intervened to save his life. And if he doesn’t ever escape that maelstrom, then comfort yourself with this thought: his complaint is not made in his authentic voice - it is, in fact, the illness speaking, not him.

Since nobody who is healthy, happy and well would wish to end their own lives, any displeasure at you for helping prevent that outcome cannot be anything other than an expression of the ills that are already troubling him. You can therefore hold yourself blameless since you cannot make - or break - a promise to an illness.

 

[Chantal25]

First start praying for him, and even post a prayer for him here, urgently.

I received a letter from an ex boy friend many years ago, explaining me why he was going to end his life. I immediately consulted with a doctor. After prayer, i was guided to call the reverent of his work (military), i informed him and i ask for discretion. I also contacted his family to inform them of this matter. I also prayed. He never talked to me again, but i know he is alive regardless all of those years because he is protected.

I pray for you to receive clear guidance of what to do. Please, put his life first and his soul. You are protected and all will be well.

Blessings and love!