When kids lie. What do you do?

[Butterflylily]

We have a soon to be 12 year old boy that has a tendency to lie. For example, my husband ask him if he can watch a basketball game so he can have an idea about it. When my husband came home, he asked plainly if he gets to watch a game. My son said he did, so my husband said what team and he said Lakers, and he again asked against who? This time we found out the he lied did not actually watched it. As a mom I reacted immediately out of frustrations. There were some other instances also although just minor. However, we know that this cannot happen over and over again. What is the best approach based on other parents experience when kids lie. I have been researching on good parenting. I admit that I overreact at times and may have hurt my son’s feeling too. Coz i tend to take away privileges quickly, although I always make it a point to talk to them during teachable moments. But we just need help on this matter.

 

[kmcarl56]

First, I would remind him that he doesn’t like it when people lie to him. Second, I would tell him that one lie leads to another, then another, and so on, until the truth is almost forgotten, but still exists and will back-fire on you at any time. One cannot keep telling lies because eventually no one will believe a word that person says, even when he truly needs help.

Most importantly of all, tell him that it is a sin, a commandment from God to us for our own protection.

As a further note, my mom used to wash my mouth out with soap when she caught me in a lie because she said it made the words out of my mouth dirty and unclean since they were not the truth, and one must always tell the truth.

I hope this helps.

 

[Edmundus1581]

My advice is to go easily with adolescents and give them a lot of room to work things out for themselves - under guidance from parents, but under less authority than when they were younger. One of my children was a liar and a thief, most particularly as an adolescent. He was much more mortified when I quietly remarked that I had noticed a lie or something missing (without accusing him of stealing it), than if I had shown more parental authority.

Try and keep it in proportion to any actual damage done (or potentially done). If it’s a minor theft or lie, with little real impact on any others, then tone it down. Keep the heavy stick for ones that really matter.

 

[Phil_Marinus]

Welcome to the world of adolescence , you will just love this next few years,
It’s not altogether to late, just yet, I don’t think this is a serious event,
But if it were worse then a slap across the face does wonders, but you must pick the right time and place… You must stamp authority on teens, because when there 14/15 it’s to late,
I’m sure the critics will hammer me for child abuse,. That’s why you must pick the right event, but lieing about not watching a game is not serious enough,

 

[Petaro]

I don’t believe in slapping my son’s face…He get’s to choose my nursing home.
Teenagers often want to exert some personal authority over their lives and really resent what we adults believe is valid interaction. This is pretty normal and I would just show that my interest in his interests is not the invasion of the mind controllers. I would explain that you feel hurt and ask him to be absolutely honest with you as you are both in a relationship of trust.
Don’t attack him over minor issues, but point out that you see through his deception. At that age they think they are the smartest person in the room.

 

[Deus_tecum]

Think about why he lied in the first place. You mention you overreact sometimes. Would he have gotten in trouble if he said “No, I did not watch the game.” If we punish the truth we can not expect the truth.

 

[Butterflylily]

Think about why he lied in the first place. You mention you overreact sometimes. Would he have gotten in trouble if he said “No, I did not watch the game.” If we punish the truth we can not expect the truth.

I am more of a talker, I think I got it from my own mother. I expect a lot especially that they are in the Catholic school. When he does it, i over reacts, I am trying hard to really pace myself. On the other hand, I reward them too with good behavior. About the lying part, I always say I’ll take the privileges out. I think he gets used to it already. So this time I’m into controlling my instantaneous emotion. Although today I reacted that he got a C on 2 subjects which he missed homework and quiz whereas the rest are all A’s.

Thank you all for all the (name removed by moderator)uts. I do appreciate them all. And I’m working on my being a mom too.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Have his father sit down with him and ask if he intends on being a man some day. Dad needs to explain that being a man means being trustworthy, someone that can be counted on, someone you can ‘ride the river’ with. Dad than simply says that lying to Dad or Mom now means Mom and Dad will not trust him in the future.

Next time he lies-- you then question everything he says afterward for at least a week.

Did you do your homework? Show me.
Did you make you bed? Show me.
Did you study? Lets check- you quiz him.
Did you do your chores? Lets go check.
Are you going to XXX? I’ll have to check.
Were you at so an sos house? I need to call their Mom.
If there is liquor in the house, you lock it up.
Anything else you can no longer trust whether he’ll get into - lock it up.
You do not let him go with his friends anywhere. Point out to him that you can not trust him to tell you the truth about where he’s going/what they are doing.

Basically, you demonstrate how it will be if you can’t trust him. Because if he continues lying, you won’t.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Think about why he lied in the first place. You mention you overreact sometimes. Would he have gotten in trouble if he said “No, I did not watch the game.” If we punish the truth we can not expect the truth.

Well, no. If the truth deserves punishment it gets punishment. Its the difference between an accident and a “You knew better” incident.

A true accident-- My son came to me when he was about 8. Told me I was gonna be mad, but he had something to show me. Really, really, sad, dejected … and scared. I said, ok, I can’t promise I won’t get mad- I may be upset, I’m human-- but you’re doing the right thing by telling me.

He walked me over to the couch. The good couch, the white nice one. His shirt was draped over one of the arms. He looked at me, gulped, and removed the shirt. There, in the middle of the arm, was a big melted spot. A hole about 3 inches in diameter with the fabric melted all the way around the circle. I just had to laugh, I couldn’t stop, and I felt so bad for my son.

Here’s why. He has OCD, at the time he could not stand to have wet clothes. Even a little splash from washing his hands. He had taken to using the blow dryer to dry his shirt when he splashed water on it. Well, this time he splashed a lot on his shirt, and figured it would dry quicker if he took it off and blew dry it on the couch. He had no idea the fabric on the couch was synthetic and could melt. It was an accident. Expensive, sure. But an accident. He didn’t know fabric could melt.

Far different from a “You knew better” like throwing a ball in the house and breaking something. If the kid has been told not to do it, and still does, he’s still getting punished when he admits it. But if he lies, he’ll get punished for throwing the ball AND lying about it.

 

[davetv]

I got caught telling a lie once to my mom at that age and received a swift spanking. Can’t say I never lied again, but now as a committed disciple I think that may be one of the reasons I never lie anymore.