When one spouse gives up on the marriage

[eeurogirly]

My husband has actually filed already and We have four small children. She has packed up all of his belongings and Left. Personal emotional or physical abuse going on rather it was about unresolved arguments. He filed two days after getting angry.I have tried to remain pretty tough in the process and just gone along with things are acted like it was OK. But I am against it. I’m reading a Protestant book about what to do when your spouse doesn’t love you anymore and how to get them back . Does any Catholic here have any experience about this?I have so many questions whether to let them coming to the house and do the bedtime routine for the kids once a week for the break up or contact so he begins to miss us. For small kids is no joke and I just want to try everything that I can. I have already contacted a lawyer just to protect us but this question pertains to trying to see if this marriage can be saved and how to go about it. He is not interested in talking about reconciliation.

 

[Xantippe]

My husband has actually filed already and We have four small children. She has packed up all of his belongings and Left. Personal emotional or physical abuse going on rather it was about unresolved arguments. He filed two days after getting angry.I have tried to remain pretty tough in the process and just gone along with things are acted like it was OK. But I am against it. I’m reading a Protestant book about what to do when your spouse doesn’t love you anymore and how to get them back . Does any Catholic here have any experience about this?I have so many questions whether to let them coming to the house and do the bedtime routine for the kids once a week for the break up or contact so he begins to miss us. For small kids is no joke and I just want to try everything that I can. I have already contacted a lawyer just to protect us but this question pertains to trying to see if this marriage can be saved and how to go about it. He is not interested in talking about reconciliation.

It sounds like you also need a marriage-friendly therapist to walk you through this.

But make sure your lawyer knows what’s going on.

 

[GreyWings]

I’m so, so sorry.

I’ve been through a divorce and subsequent annulment, and it was painful, so I can somewhat understand how you feel right now, although I don’t have children. You’re being very, very strong and God is with you. Remember He loves the faithful; turn to Him and place everything in His hands.

Look at the following verses in the Bible:

Psalm 174:3: “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds”

And my favorite, Romans 5:* “. . . suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”*

Life WILL go on, with him or without him. Remember your worth. You are worth a husband who will stand by your side like a man and take care of his family. If he wants to bolt, let him, and now you must protect yourself and your family. You did the right thing in contacting a lawyer. Remember, you have rights. Keep praying and trust in God, as hard as it is.

Trust me when I assure you, it WILL get better. It’s hard to see that right now, but you’ll get through this, and there is a life ahead of you. You’re so strong. Remember that. You deserve so much better.

With my prayers always,
GreyWings

 

[eeurogirly]

He actually said he is just too self centered to be in a relationship. 18 years of marriage!!!4 kids later?
Would you let him in the house?
Talk to him normally?
My poor little kids suffer so much

 

[AnotherPenitent]

Oh, that is terrible! I am so sorry. You must be in shock right now!

It’s never really clear what you should do in such an unexpected situation, is it? But I think you are on the right track, trying to keep your family together and thinking about what is best for the kids.

Maybe you can ask St. Joseph to pray for your husband to come to his senses and return to his family.

I’m not married so I can’t really offer any practical advice, but I am praying for you!

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I’m so sorry. My divorce was finalized a few weeks ago and I was blindsided by it. Listen to your attorney. I didn’t want a divorce and my attorney let me know that it didn’t matter, the divorce would proceed with or without my consent and asked me what did I want out of this marriage. Sure, you can stall with trying to settle out of court, which costs money, and sometimes more than going to court because of the back and forth with countering, unless you can settle quickly and we did.
I’m so very sorry. We didn’t have children and I couldn’t imagine going through a divorce with them.

 

[GreyWings]

I’m so sorry. My divorce was finalized a few weeks ago and I was blindsided by it. Listen to your attorney.

I’m sorry you went through that, too. I read your story and it is similar to mine.

For me, I think it was the betrayal that stung the most. In hindsight, though, now, I’m glad he’s gone.

There really is light at the end of the tunnel… and so much happiness to be found. I hope you’re doing better.

He actually said he is just too self centered to be in a relationship. 18 years of marriage!!!4 kids later?
Would you let him in the house?
Talk to him normally?
My poor little kids suffer so much

It’s just not right. My heart really goes out to you. I hope you are getting a lot of support right now from family and friends.

Regarding your husband, maybe it’s a midlife crisis… who knows, but either way, please hang in there, take care of yourself and PM me anytime for support.

God bless you, remember you’re so loved by God… talk to your lawyer…

I’m praying for you.
GreyWings

 

[Catholic1954]

My husband has actually filed already and We have four small children. She has packed up all of his belongings and Left. Personal emotional or physical abuse going on rather it was about unresolved arguments. He filed two days after getting angry.I have tried to remain pretty tough in the process and just gone along with things are acted like it was OK. But I am against it. I’m reading a Protestant book about what to do when your spouse doesn’t love you anymore and how to get them back . Does any Catholic here have any experience about this?I have so many questions whether to let them coming to the house and do the bedtime routine for the kids once a week for the break up or contact so he begins to miss us. For small kids is no joke and I just want to try everything that I can. I have already contacted a lawyer just to protect us but this question pertains to trying to see if this marriage can be saved and how to go about it. He is not interested in talking about reconciliation.

You cannot have a marriage of one. If he is determined to go through with the divorce, then there is not much you can do to stop him. Ask your lawyer about letting him have access to the children. If there is truly abuse going on, then I would make sure he is not alone with them. This is a good time to make an appointment with a priest for some advice.

 

[vto]

He actually said he is just too self centered to be in a relationship. 18 years of marriage!!!4 kids later?
Would you let him in the house?
Talk to him normally?
My poor little kids suffer so much

As long as your children have you and can feel your love for them, they will get through it. They will also follow your lead on how to treat others that have hurt them. I know this from experience. I will remember your family in my prayers.

 

[marlap2]

I am so sorry for your suffering, and your kids.

I was woken in the middle of the night with really bad news, and went immediately to my prayer room and prayed the Divine Mercy.
Then listened to an interview with Father Benedict Groeshchel (really old interview)
When Life Doesn’t Make Sense by Fr. Benedict Groeschel C.F.R.
“Have you ever wondered why bad things happen to good people? Trained psychologist Fr. Benedict Groeschel examines some of life’s most difficult questions in the context of faith. He reveals penetrating insights and deeply personal reflections to find answers to the perpetually plaguing question “Why?”, and explains how in these painful moments, God manifests His loving Presence.”

When a marriage dies, it’s like a real death. You will be going through a lot of grief. What will make it worse from time to time, is when your ex-spouse does something even more to hurt you, such as moving on from the marriage, if you know what I mean.

Be strong, my friend and be grateful for those kids. They need you right now more than ever. I wish I could say that things will get better really soon, but there’s rough patches ahead, but remember that JESUS remains beside you. Keep closer to the sacraments than ever before during these times of trial.

I am so sorry.

 

[Sunbreak]

To answer your question, no if he does not want to reconcile and has already filed for divorce, the marriage cannot be saved. Both people have to want to be in the marriage for it to work.
Many of us have made the mistake of hoping that a marriage can be saved, but it is clear from what you said that he is not interested. What you need to do now is to get counseling and financial and attorney advice to protect your interests and the interests of your children.

 

[tigerprowl]

I’m so sorry. This happened to me 14 years ago. It is really painful for anyone, especially for someone who is willing to do anything to save the marriage. I’ve been in this situation before and God bless and look after you and anyone in a similar situation.

It’s tough to heed anyone’s advice - but surround yourself with love. Talk to your priest.
Pray daily. Go to mass. Confide in good friends and family.
God bless.

 

[heart4home]

In all seriousness, perhaps he is having a midlife crisis. Is this totally out of character for him, or has he been distant for a long time? I would certainly spend your time praying and seek some guidance from a priest that knows your situation.

If he has filed for divorce and has no interest in reconciliation, then it is clearly out of your hands right now. However, him civilly dissolving the marriage doesn’t mean it is dissolved in God’s eyes. You would have to go through the annulment process to see if one could be granted. If one can not be granted, then you should continue to pray for your marriage as it is still viewed as a Sacrament in the Church’s eyes and has the potential to offer you both Grace.

As for your children, if he is not abusive (your wording makes it a bit unclear) and wants to see them, there is little to be gained by keeping them from him. If you don’t wish to have him in your home in the evening for the bedtime ritual, that is certainly understandable, and so it may be best for everybody involved if you agree to find a different time or place for them to visit together.

I’d be cautious of some of the protestant books on marriage. Certainly some have good biblically based advice, but some are very fundamentalist in approach and may not be the most accurate source for you to discern what you should do.

 

[Guineviere]

I’m sorry. I was in a similar situation…20 plus years and three kids. He woke up one day, out of the blue, and said it was over. He moved out of the house that day and filed for divorce within a week. Blindsided was putting it mildly. I literally felt my heart break…every muscle in my body ached.

From what I’ve discovered, once someone gets to the point they leave, for whatever reason (mid-life crisis), they aren’t going to reconcile. They may go through the motions; which is an emotional roller coaster I don’t wish on anyone. By the time they make up their mind to leave, they’ve been planning it for a while and have already accepted it.

I will keep you in my prayers.