When only one converts:

[MCGar]

CatherineofA inspired this topic by her thread about what people have experienced in their own Conversion.

This brings up issues similar to the book entitled When Only One Converts.

-What things did you do that harmed and/or helped your relationship with your spouse during your conversion?

-If your spouse is the one converting, what things is he/she doing that is harming or helping your marriage?

-What advice do you offer in dealing with family/friends as a married couple where one or both is converting.

For example, how do you as a couple deal with criticisms from friends when one of you is not converting? How does the non-Catholic spouse support you or not support you?

This is a thread that could really help out in giving some of us advice in what things to do or to avoid.

 

[MCGar]

Nobody?

 

[Magicsilence]

These forums lie in hibernation for most of the day. If my timing is correct (and Im in the UK) its about 11:30 am in America?

Generally around midnight here people start to come on, which is about 6-7 oclock in the U.S.A.

Oh, and Im only 19 and not married so I cant answer any questions.

Peace and God Bless.

 

[ALLFORHIM]

Hi,
This answer comes from a slightly different angle because Im not converting to the CC. I simply gave my life to Christ but in a different denom.
Im not catholic but I am a born again christian. My husband was raised catholic, but is not practicing and does not care too. When we were married 16 years ago neither one of us cared about going to church. About 10 years ago I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart. I had the head knowledge of Christ and what He did at Calvary, but I didnt have the heart knowledge. I am a very different person, only in the last 3 years really(since I have been studying the bible).
No one has said anything to me in a negative light. Even my catholic in-laws completely support me and the raising of my children. They are happy that their grandchildren are being raised to know and love Jesus. My family are all born again christians, so no arguments there either. Wow I guess Im pretty blessed with my transformation. My catholic and non-catholic friends dont seem to mind either.

The only help I could really give you would be with the spouse. I understand this is in regards to converting to CC, but this advice is biblical.
Ok, I have read(in bible) and have been told over and over again to keep my mouth shut as a wife. The bible tells me that I can win over my husband without a word. My actions speak louder. I need to be a Godly wife and a Godly role model for him. In the past, I would guilt him into coming to church. His response" I had church crammed down my throat for 18 years and I wont let you do it to me either" As you can imagine, I didnt ask anymore. His mom told all 6 of her children they did not have to go to church after they turned 18. Guess what–not one of them goes to church and I am the only one that is raising my children to know and love God. I do ask around Easter and Christmas. He usually will go to Christmas service.
My husband just said to me how much he admires my faith and how involved I am in the church and how involved the children are as well. I was so dazed and confused I cant remember all he said. He is starting to come around, I feel. I really think God is nudging him toward Him. All be it slow, but it is all in God’s timing not mine.
My advice to you ,for a spouse who is not converting, is to keep your mouth shut and be a Godly role model for him and he will come around eventually. Hope that helps.

 

[Fidelis]

In the past, I would guilt him into coming to church. His response" I had church crammed down my throat for 18 years and I wont let you do it to me either" As you can imagine, I didnt ask anymore. His mom told all 6 of her children they did not have to go to church after they turned 18.

Hmm…Not to doubt your word, but this seems awfully unrealistic and inconsistent behavior on your MIL’s part. Would someone who “crams religion” down their children’s thoats (what does this mean, anyway, in his case?) be the type to not care if they went to church when turning 18? My dear father (may he rest in peace) used to use this excuse for not practicing his Faith. When pressed, his definition of having religion crammed down his throat consisted of being required to go to Mass once a week for an hour on Sunday. Imagine such fanaticism! :bigyikes:

Seems like there may be more do it that this, either in your DH’s actual experience, or his rationale. Not trying to be accusatory; but it doesn’t add up.

 

[ALLFORHIM]

Hmm…Not to doubt your word, but this seems awfully unrealistic and inconsistent behavior on your MIL’s part. Would someone who “crams religion” down their children’s thoats (what does this mean, anyway, in his case?) be the type to not care if they went to church when turning 18? My dear father (may he rest in peace) used to use this excuse for not practicing his Faith. When pressed, his definition of having religion crammed down his throat consisted of being required to go to Mass once a week for an hour on Sunday. Imagine such fanaticism! :bigyikes:

Seems like there may be more do it that this, either in your DH’s actual experience, or his rationale. Not trying to be accusatory; but it doesn’t add up.

Hi,
I dont know this is just how he explained it to me. I wasnt there when he was growing up. You know how kids complain about going to church,especially when they are teenagers. He probabaly hated to go every sunday and just rebelled and is still doing so. He also went to catholic school. In his mind he probably felt like it was being crammed down his throat. I cant really speak for him, other then what he told me.

 

[Fidelis]

Hi,
I dont know this is just how he explained it to me. I wasnt there when he was growing up. You know how kids complain about going to church,especially when they are teenagers. He probabaly hated to go every sunday and just rebelled and is still doing so. He also went to catholic school. In his mind he probably felt like it was being crammed down his throat. I cant really speak for him, other then what he told me.

O.K., fair enough.

 

[MCGar]

I thank everybody for their responces.
Being in a marriage or even relationship with someone that is non-Catholic and/or non-Christian can be very difficult especially if you are being led closer to the Church.

Does anybody else have any experiances that they can share a little bit of?

 

[Anne1964]

Well, I didn’t convert, but I was away from the church for many years, and when I married my husband, who is Jewish, he and I both agreed that we were not interested in religion. Three years later I changed my mind and returned to the church. My husband is still not interested in any religion, his or mine.

I have tried very hard to explain my reasons for returning to the church, and to do so in a way that is not threatening to my husband. This is the first time we have had a difference of opinion on a major issue in our marriage, and that concerns both of us. We normally share everything and now there is a big part of my life that he and I don’t share.

When I first thought I wanted to return to the church, I discussed it with my husband and told him it was something I wanted to explore. At time his only comment was “don’t expect me to go with you.” I told him I didn’t expect that. He asked me why I felt I needed to go to church and we had a long conversation about it. He was concerned that I was unhappy in our marriage, and that he had failed in some way. I assured him that wasn’t the case at all. He kept asking me if there was anything he needed to change, if there was something he wasn’t giving me that I needed from him. I kept reassuring him that our marriage was fine. Once he accepted that, and understood that I wasn’t unhappy with him, he relaxed somewhat.

I met with a priest to find out what I needed to do about having been married outside of the church and he gave me some advice on how to approach my husband. I explained it to my husband and he agreed to meet with the priest, and four months after I returned to the church we had our marriage convalidated.

I have been back for 7 months, and so far, my husband has been pretty good about it. The only real argument we have had was when I wanted to attend Sunday Mass while we were on vacation. He felt it infringed on his time with me and he made a very big deal out of it. I ended up not going to Mass and I felt guilty about not going. I think I could have done a better job of explaining to him why I need to go every Sunday. I made an assumption that he wouldn’t mind, and didn’t tell him until the day before that I planned to go.

I think the most important thing is to be open and honest with the other person.