When parents grow old

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Anglewannabe

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I just need to share this.

One thing I always knew I was blessed with is a good mother. She has always been there for me and I can tell her a lot. (not everything, she is my mom after all;)). And I was always grateful for the support she gave me. As a teenager, if I was having a rift with my friends, I could always go home and watch TV with her.

Well, she is 87 and fit as a fiddle for her age. However, lately, she just has been ‘self centered’. When I call her, she talks about her day with very little interest about my day. And it hurts. I realize she is no longer young and able to give me what she use to. And I understand where she is coming from and respect where she is at. Nonetheless, I need to be honest, there is pain in the fact that ‘my mommy is no longer there for me’. Or at least no longer able to care for me like she did when I was a kid.

Just needed to share

Angie
 
Anglewannabe said:
I just need to share this.

One thing I always knew I was blessed with is a good mother. She has always been there for me and I can tell her a lot. (not everything, she is my mom after all;)). And I was always grateful for the support she gave me. As a teenager, if I was having a rift with my friends, I could always go home and watch TV with her.

Well, she is 87 and fit as a fiddle for her age. However, lately, she just has been ‘self centered’. When I call her, she talks about her day with very little interest about my day. And it hurts. I realize she is no longer young and able to give me what she use to. And I understand where she is coming from and respect where she is at. Nonetheless, I need to be honest, there is pain in the fact that ‘my mommy is no longer there for me’. Or at least no longer able to care for me like she did when I was a kid.

Just needed to share

Angie
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It’s very possible that it’s just the effect of time and age upon your Mom’s brain, and she likely doesn’t intend to be as self-centered as she appears. She may be finding it hard to concentrate on anything other than her day-to-day needs since she’s getting on in years, and that can be normal for an older person. I would try not to take it personally or feel that she means to be that way now; it’s probably just the way her brain is working now. Often the roles switch around as we age, and it becomes our turn to be there as support for our parents the way they supported us years before. God’s blessings to you and your Mom, and know that deep inside her is still the dear Mother who cares for you deeply! Enjoy her as much as you possibly can while she’s here on this earth, and know without a doubt that our Blessed Mother is beside you to give you help and support whenever it’s needed.
 
:grouphug:I know exactly how you feel! My parents have been the very best I could wish for and now I’m keeping a household going and holding down a job, I can see just how amazing my mother has been.

I’ve started to notice just the same as you and sadly, I’ve also noticed she’s becoming more absent minded and forgetful. Sometimes, it’s so hard to witness because it’s a sure sign that she won’t a;ays be with us and each time I find myself being abrupt or impatient with her, I just hate myself. What I really want to say to her is that she’s one of the most inspirational figures in my life and I love her so much and what I find myself saying is things like, “I’ve got to get off the phone now, because I have to do x, y and z” or just saying, “yes, yes, oh, lovely!” when she’s recounting word for word a conversation she’s had in the local shop, or a trip into town.

She’s always taught me to do a job I believe in and not covet material wealth, or view a huge sallary as a sign of being a successful human being, but some days, I just wish I had followed a more lucrative career path, just so I could make sure she’s safe and warm and cared for as long as she lives. Of course, she would say that she and my father are well enough off to see themselves out and not to be silly, but I just wish so fervently, that there was something I could do to show what she means to me…and then I mess up on the ‘little’ things, like just being kind and listening because I get all childish and start thinking, “you’re not like the mother you used to be” 😦

It’s heartbreaking witnessing a once lively, dynamic and intelligent person seemingly, gradually packing their life away and the dynamic of the relationship changing. At times like this, I am so glad I believe that death is not the end and that mum and dad are just starting to sort their things out before they embark on the most amazing journey of all.

So, I just talk to them as much as I can and spend time listening to their little accountsof their days and let the chores take a back seat, or fit them in somehow. I try to bring them little gifts, like nice things to eat, or magazines, that I know they will appreciate and DH and I try to take them out every now and then for a nice meal.

Above all, I have to remind myself to treasure those happy moments we can still share and not waste time mourning what is yet to happen. In another way, though, I feel I have already mourned the loss of the people they used to be and now reached a stage of acceptance.

Even writing this, I feel like a selfish, petulant child who doesn’t want anything to change, but with change, comes new growth and accepting life’s inevitable transitions can be daunting no matter what age you are.
 
Anglewannabe said:
I just need to share this.

One thing I always knew I was blessed with is a good mother. She has always been there for me and I can tell her a lot. (not everything, she is my mom after all;)). And I was always grateful for the support she gave me. As a teenager, if I was having a rift with my friends, I could always go home and watch TV with her.

Well, she is 87 and fit as a fiddle for her age. However, lately, she just has been ‘self centered’. When I call her, she talks about her day with very little interest about my day. And it hurts. I realize she is no longer young and able to give me what she use to. And I understand where she is coming from and respect where she is at. Nonetheless, I need to be honest, there is pain in the fact that ‘my mommy is no longer there for me’. Or at least no longer able to care for me like she did when I was a kid.

Just needed to share

Angie
Click to expand...
Angie, I would advise you to count your blessings. The mere fact your mother is physically healthy and able to care for her own needs is something to be very thankful for. Also, the fact she has been such a good mother to you for so many years, and even now. As time passes, and children have to literally take care of their ailing parents as best they can, it can become a tremendous burden on the caregiver, and sometimes guilt feelings arise in the child for not doing enough, as well as in the parent for demanding too much. Thank G-d you are not in that position. Role reversal also occurs in many parent-child relationships, in which the child begins to take on more of a parenting role as their parent ages. But this is something we all owe our parents, particularly good parents who love us.
 
meltzerboy said:
Angie, I would advise you to count your blessings. The mere fact your mother is physically healthy and able to care for her own needs is something to be very thankful for. Also, the fact she has been such a good mother to you for so many years, and even now. As time passes, and children have to literally take care of their ailing parents as best they can, it can become a tremendous burden on the caregiver, and sometimes guilt feelings arise in the child for not doing enough, as well as in the parent for demanding too much. Thank G-d you are not in that position. Role reversal also occurs in many parent-child relationships, in which the child begins to take on more of a parenting role as their parent ages. But this is something we all owe our parents, particularly good parents who love us.
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Amen!
 
I was raised by my Grandparents. My Grandmother is 83 and the parental rolls began to reverse about 5 years ago. My Grandfather passed on 3 years ago. I remember it started with them forgetting everything and I began to worry more about them doing simple things. Such as my Grandfather taking the bus by himself and my Grandmother mopping the floor out of fear that she would slip and fall. Simply remembering to take their medication’s became a problem and I had to call every night during my lunch break at work (I worked swing shift at that time) to remind them to take their med’s before bed.

Then when my Grandfather died, I had to step up financially, as my Grandmother does not get even half enough to live off of from social security. My Mother really stepped up too going above and beyond. I do not miss my Grandmother catering to my needs. I was never a mamma’s boy and I have learned to get by without having anyone to talk to when I have problems or even just had a bad day or are sad. I learned to keep that stuff to myself at a younger age. I am currently 30 years old and have been single 99% of my adult life too. No significant other to lean on for me… Where I do feel bad about the parental roles reversing is that I want to be a lone so often or too tired from work that I find myself not always talking to my Grandmother when I have the chance. I rent a room from her and I often find myself just going straight to my room after work or having to cut her off when she is talking to me (she could repeat the same stories I have heard 1000 times for hours) to tell her I have to go do something. I also lose patience with her sometimes because sometimes it is like talking to a little kid. She is still sharp in some ways but in other ways, she acts more like a little girl than a adult woman. I guess that is life though. I have heard that we age gracefully looks-wise in our family. But mentally… not so much. I guess it might be a peek into my future. I do treasure the times I do spend a little time talking with her sometimes because I know they will be coming to a end in the near future. How much longer can a 83 year old woman live? Even if she lives another 10 years, that will go by quickly as I have notice that time fly’s by the older we get.

At this point, all I really hope is that when She goes with God, she goes as painlessly as possible. I saw my Grandfather die a slow painful death and it was terrible.
 
In short, I think it is now your turn to take care of her. That is how I try to see it with my mother, I bet there were times when I just talked about my day and never really listened to what sort of day my mum had. My mum and I are very close, I can see her slowing down alittle, but we still chat about our day everyday, I’m very blessed to still have my mum, and I hope to be able to give her the care and attention she gave to me in my youth, when she is in her twlight years. 🙂
 
Angel wannabe, you say your mom is healthy but she no longer listens to you on the phone. Listening problems sometimes indicate hearing problems. My mom needed hearing aids when she was elderly. Her hearing loss got worse over time, and eventually, if she didn’t have her hearing aids in, she couldn’t hear anything I said to her on the phone. Sometimes when a person can’t hear what the another person is saying, they “compensate” by doing all the talking.
 
gardenswithkids said:
Angel wannabe, you say your mom is healthy but she no longer listens to you on the phone. Listening problems sometimes indicate hearing problems. My mom needed hearing aids when she was elderly. Her hearing loss got worse over time, and eventually, if she didn’t have her hearing aids in, she couldn’t hear anything I said to her on the phone. Sometimes when a person can’t hear what the another person is saying, they “compensate” by doing all the talking.
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That is a very good point!
 
I can’t help but imagine your mom writing a post:
***My beautiful daughter who is so close to me, that I love so much calls me and all she wants to talk about is her life, her day.

What would you say to her?***

Imagine the reverse scenario.
Nothing is “wrong”. That’s just part of loving someone. Give and take.
Life.
Sometimes you wear different hats. All of them necessary.
Best wishes.
 
My dear father taught me most everything. From how to ride a bike, get throuh math, get a job, to how to die. Parents teach and lead the way. It’s hard to follow where they will lead us sometimes, but we can do our best to learn from their living.

Yes, she is struggling with each task she does. Sharing this will prepare you for when you will struggle too … It will prepare you for when you and he family need to take over more of her day to day tasks … It will prepare you for when you start to feel the pain of grieving … And it will teach you how to teach you family on how to take care of you.

Peace be with you on this journey.
 
Aging is a natural process of life. It begins the moment we are born. Strangely enough, most of us live under the illusion that we and our loved ones will never become old. When old age arrives, we are often unprepared. The natural order becomes reversed. The young help to care for the old. Those who need to be taken care of for the first time have a hard time accepting that they need help. This condition is a product of our culture that does everything it can to conceal the loss of youth. Confronting this reality is the beginning of a healthy relationship to life, aging and death.
 
I hear ya, OP. I visited my parents this weekend and while my dad was same old dad, my mom wasn’t. My husband asked what I meant, but I couldn’t verbalize it. She just wasn’t the same mom I’ve known. My mom started giving up after my dad was diagnosed with stage 3C colon cancer. You would think since my dad kicked cancer’s behind, it would spunk her up, but she never did stop giving up (if that makes sense). Last fall she had a minor stroke and while she has recently started cooking again, she just refuses to try at all in terms of therapy and self-care. There is always an excuse…then again, she was always like that. Anyhow, I hear ya and hugs to you.
 
I’m beginning to go through the same thing, too. My parents are 82 and 83. My mom has always been fragile physically due to a terrible auto accident in my infancy, but she’s a fighter and has never complained. My dad has always been the healthy one, but he’s been diagnosed with “Intentional Tremors” and if anything happens to him, they will not be able to live on their own any longer. What makes me feel guilty is that I’m so busy with my own family/job/etc that I don’t ever have enough time to visit them - maybe once a week if I’m lucky. 😦
 
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