When people think of birth control as "protection" - reframing the paradigm

[3DOCTORS]

I know someone, raised Catholic, but not currently practicing, who uses this term a lot. Thinks that 2-4 kids is “plenty.” I don’t want to give identifying details.

Inside I cringe when I hear the word “protection,” and that got me thinking. (Look out!)

There are all these false beliefs floating around about how good it is to use birth control. And if a person has that “protection” idea about it, it’s like that’s their comfort zone.

How could we try to emphasize the positive of “openness to life,” for example? In a gentle way that won’t lead to a debate and the person closing their mind. Try to plant a little seed back in the other direction.

Acknowledge that yes, their concern for each child (their own or children of someone they give advice to) getting an education and so on is admirable but that there shouldn’t have to be a “quota” or cutoff number of children for a family. And that NFP is a “protection” against many evils that can creep into a marriage when contraception is practiced?

Another way the word “protection” gets bandied about is regarding the use of condoms, and we know that’s a dangerous assumption to make that a) that condom is going to guarantee no STDs, and b) that the condom can prevent wounded hearts and souls and emotional baggage that people carry into marriage later on.

 

[Usige]

I’m interested to hear ideas. Really it goes to the heart of fear. What are you “protecting” yourself from?

If we don’t address the underlying fear then nothing else will really matter. I wish I had a good answer, but I don’t because I don’t understand the underlying fear of children and/or pregnancy. I have tried to address any fears when they are presented, but so many of them seem irrational that I often just bite my tongue.

 

[FrenzyJen]

The word “protection” grinds my gears so bad. Isn’t sex giving yourself to someone absolutely?? Then why should you have to protect yourself? It takes away from what sex could be because you aren’t letting yourself be vulnerable, you still feel like you need to “protect”/distance/defend yourself from the other person. Sickens me.

I have no idea how to plant a seed like you say. I usually just keep quiet when friends talk like that, knowing that if I turn them off or make them feel judged, then they’ll push me away and I won’t even be able to influence by example.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Protection. :nunchuk:

The term makes me laugh at the irony when it’s applied to contraception. Husbands should protect their wives, mothers should protect their children. Instead we have a whole industry telling women that we need to be protected* from* our husbands and potential children.

:knight1: :curtsey::knight2:

Here’s another word: “marketing”. They couldn’t market contraception if they had to use terms that really described what it did.

 

[3DOCTORS]

I’m interested to hear ideas. Really it goes to the heart of fear. What are you “protecting” yourself from?

If we don’t address the underlying fear then nothing else will really matter. I wish I had a good answer, but I don’t because I don’t understand the underlying fear of children and/or pregnancy. I have tried to address any fears when they are presented, but so many of them seem irrational that I often just bite my tongue.

It is certainly difficult. Praying for wisdom during our regular prayer time as well as in the moment when the subject comes up in a conversation is a good place to start. :yup: Also visiting some pro-life and pro-NFP sites and reading conversion stories - sometimes one finds a story that’s about similar issues as the ones someone might present.

If we can then help them realize we do understand their fears, but that there are “outside the [contraceptive mentality] box” creative solutions, as well as the promise of support and help from Christians who don’t just talk the talk, that might be a starting point.

Kind of a mentoring thing, if you can get a person to open the door a little bit. The word compassion means com- (with) passion (suffering) - we “suffer with” another and help them face life’s challenges. :console:

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I’m interested to hear ideas. Really it goes to the heart of fear. What are you “protecting” yourself from?

If we don’t address the underlying fear then nothing else will really matter. I wish I had a good answer, but I don’t because I don’t understand the underlying fear of children and/or pregnancy. I have tried to address any fears when they are presented, but so many of them seem irrational that I often just bite my tongue.

I can make a whole list of things that my husband and I are protecting ourselves from by using contraception, including, but certainly not limited to: financial ruin, homelessness, missed career opportunities, incomplete education, both physical and mental health issues, etc.

Until I have finished law school and we have something in the bank a child would be disastrous. I am not protecting myself from him, nor he from me. Rather, we made a decision together about what we need to do in order to be able to have the family that we’ve always wanted when the time is right.

 

[gardenswithkids]

I can make a whole list of things that my husband and I are protecting ourselves from by using contraception, including, but certainly not limited to: financial ruin, homelessness, missed career opportunities, incomplete education, both physical and mental health issues, etc.

Until I have finished law school and we have something in the bank a child would be disastrous. I am not protecting myself from him, nor he from me. Rather, we made a decision together about what we need to do in order to be able to have the family that we’ve always wanted when the time is right.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. I read what you wrote, and shortly after I clicked over to another website–where I read a quote that struck me and immediately made me think back to what you’d written. (from someone named Riccardo Cascioli in an article about the declining birth rate in Italy) “Actually you stop bringing children into the world not for lack of money but out of a lack of confidence in the future…”

 

[3DOCTORS]

I can make a whole list of things that my husband and I are protecting ourselves from by using contraception, including, but certainly not limited to: financial ruin, homelessness, missed career opportunities, incomplete education, both physical and mental health issues, etc.

Until I have finished law school and we have something in the bank a child would be disastrous. I am not protecting myself from him, nor he from me. Rather, we made a decision together about what we need to do in order to be able to have the family that we’ve always wanted when the time is right.

Have to say I agree with gardenswithkids on the idea that your post speaks of fears of many things, greater and lesser. Realizing that we are on opposite ends of the belief spectrum I know I can’t just say “Have faith in God to get you through whatever comes.”

The only thing maybe I can say - and I had to learn this the hard way too - is that at least some of the things we fear and attempt to control, we really can’t know from one day to the next how they are going to turn out.

Case in point - a decade ago, one night, I had gone to church to pray because I was really stressed about my job and my own mental health (anxiety attacks) and a bunch of other things. I had been thinking maybe I would take about 3 vacation days to unwind and sort things out. Came home, talked to my mom on the phone. Wanted to talk to my dad too but he’d gone to bed due to a health condition that made him fatigued.

I sat up for a long time working on some crafts, then went to bed. Got a call about 2 in the morning. Long story short, my dad died that night and everything changed. There was no way it could’ve been predicted. I just had to trust God ('cause that’s what I do) and go with the flow, and believe me, it was rough. The anxiety problems I’d been having were small potatoes compared to the ones I had afterward.

But I’m still here. And life goes on. Pope John Paul II reminded people constantly “Be not afraid!” and I don’t think his message was intended for Catholics only.

Wishing and praying the best for you, just think about what I’ve said if you will, you are free to not follow my advice, you know that, but maybe just consider it with an open mind and heart?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Have to say I agree with gardenswithkids on the idea that your post speaks of fears of many things, greater and lesser. Realizing that we are on opposite ends of the belief spectrum I know I can’t just say “Have faith in God to get you through whatever comes.”

The only thing maybe I can say - and I had to learn this the hard way too - is that at least some of the things we fear and attempt to control, we really can’t know from one day to the next how they are going to turn out.

Case in point - a decade ago, one night, I had gone to church to pray because I was really stressed about my job and my own mental health (anxiety attacks) and a bunch of other things. I had been thinking maybe I would take about 3 vacation days to unwind and sort things out. Came home, talked to my mom on the phone. Wanted to talk to my dad too but he’d gone to bed due to a health condition that made him fatigued.

I sat up for a long time working on some crafts, then went to bed. Got a call about 2 in the morning. Long story short, my dad died that night and everything changed. There was no way it could’ve been predicted. I just had to trust God ('cause that’s what I do) and go with the flow, and believe me, it was rough. The anxiety problems I’d been having were small potatoes compared to the ones I had afterward.

But I’m still here. And life goes on. Pope John Paul II reminded people constantly “Be not afraid!” and I don’t think his message was intended for Catholics only.

Wishing and praying the best for you, just think about what I’ve said if you will, you are free to not follow my advice, you know that, but maybe just consider it with an open mind and heart?

I apologize, I didn’t mean to come off as abrasive. I was just responding to the ridiculous idea that people who choose to avoid having children via birth control, barriers, surgery, implants, etc. are acting out of irrational fear, and that their fears are so irrational that they can’t even be addressed. Also, the equally ridiculous notion that people who use birth control are trying to keep each other at arms length and don’t actually trust each other is insanely offensive. (I do realize that you weren’t the person who put either idea forth.)

Approaching birth control from the angle that the people who use it don’t love their spouses, aren’t vulnerable, don’t trust each other, etc. is not going to help. If someone took this approach with me and went so far as to question my love for my husband there is a 50/50 shot I’d be spending the night in jail.

The people who use birth control aren’t much different from those who use NFP. How many people use NFP because of health or financial hardships? How many just don’t feel mentally or emotionally capable of taking on a child (or another child)? Those are the reasons that I use contraception.

My husband is not a monster. He did not demand that I go on birth control, he does not hate my fertility (and I don’t hate his either), we are not rejecting each other, and he would not love me less if for some reason birth control didn’t work for me or I wasn’t comfortable with it and went off. We would work together to find a new system that we are both comfortable with. I can’t think of a single couple that I know where this isn’t the case. I have never had a friend or relative tell me that they felt forced or pressured. In fact, in most couples I know the woman takes more of the lead when it comes to birth control issues.

If you want to reframe the discussion, great. I would love to hear it. But don’t reframe it in such a way that belittles another person or their marriage, or makes assumptions about them that you have no way of knowing.

 

[FrenzyJen]

I wrote my above post with my unmarried friends in mind, not a marriage.

Approaching birth control from the angle that the people who use it don’t love their spouses, aren’t vulnerable, don’t trust each other, etc. is not going to help.

I didn’t mean to imply that the use of birth control indicates a lack of trust in your spouse, but it does show a lack of trust in God.

The people who use birth control aren’t much different from those who use NFP. How many people use NFP because of health or financial hardships? How many just don’t feel mentally or emotionally capable of taking on a child (or another child)? Those are the reasons that I use contraception.

NFP is much different from contraceptive methods. Yes, it can be done with a contraceptive mentality, which is wrong, but I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. NFP remains open to life, it keeps each act of lovemaking completely open to God’s plan. Also, as Catholics, believing as we do that birth control is several sins in one, actively participating in the use of contraceptives is actively involving your spouse in sin, and so, risking their salvation.

I’m not trying to turn you off to the Catholic faith, but I won’t misrepresent it to lure you home.

 

[FrenzyJen]

In a gentle way that won’t lead to a debate

Oops. I went back to read the main post of this thread. Sorry, OP!!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

NFP is much different from contraceptive methods. Yes, it can be done with a contraceptive mentality, which is wrong, but I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. NFP remains open to life, it keeps each act of lovemaking completely open to God’s plan. Also, as Catholics, believing as we do that birth control is several sins in one, actively participating in the use of contraceptives is actively involving your spouse in sin, and so, risking their salvation.

I’m not trying to turn you off to the Catholic faith, but I won’t misrepresent it to lure you home.

I also wouldn’t start the conversation by telling them that they have a “contraceptive mentality” and that they should change it. You really have no way of knowing what anyone’s mentality is, and frankly, one person using birth control could have a completely different mindset than another person who is using the exact same form of birth control. Even if their life circumstances are the same, their mentality and the discussions about it between them and their spouses could be completely different. Honestly, I don’t believe there is much difference between using NFP strictly knowing full well that there is only a very, very slim chance that it is possible for you to get pregnant and using the pill with the same odds. Sure, you can claim that you’re still “open to life”, but if you were that open you wouldn’t chart every morning and then intentionally avoid sex on days that it’s possible. That’s just getting off on a technicality. If you trust god not to give you anymore children than you can handle, then just blindly have sex whenever you want. But clearly, people, even the most faithful, don’t do that.

Clumping people together, making assumptions about their mentality, marriage, etc. is just not a good way to go about this.

 

[spunjalebi]

I find it insulting when doctors refer to contraception as “protection” when I have made it explicitly known that I am married. I need protection from my own husband??

 

[Kal2012]

I tend to think that NFP is an ideal.

A lot of married couples aren’t in ideal relationships or situations.

I know a couple who has 2 autistic kids.

What I hear people saying is that, regardless of circumstances, either

1. this couple should never have sex again
2. this couple should use NFP and “be open to the possibility of creating a new life” when they are already struggling to raise the two kids they’ve already created.

Sorry, but I don’t have enough nerve to tell them that they are bad Catholics because they want to focus on the health and well-being of the kids they already have and not worry about a potential third autistic child coming into their complicated situation.

Their oldest is the same age as my son (5 and a half) and he’s still not potty-trained (no interest whatsoever in learning, either) or talking. They spend most of their extra money on OT/Speech/social groups to help both their kids gain skills that most kids naturally learn. That gets expensive real quick with two kiddos getting specialized services.

I tend to agree with BlueEyedLady on this one.

 

[MomaMary8]

I know someone, raised Catholic, but not currently practicing, who uses this term a lot. Thinks that 2-4 kids is “plenty.” I don’t want to give identifying details.

Inside I cringe when I hear the word “protection,” and that got me thinking. (Look out!)

There are all these false beliefs floating around about how good it is to use birth control. And if a person has that “protection” idea about it, it’s like that’s their comfort zone.

**How could we try to emphasize the positive of “openness to life,” for example? In a gentle way that won’t lead to a debate and the person closing their mind. Try to plant a little seed back in the other direction.
**
Acknowledge that yes, their concern for each child (their own or children of someone they give advice to) getting an education and so on is admirable but that there shouldn’t have to be a “quota” or cutoff number of children for a family. And that NFP is a “protection” against many evils that can creep into a marriage when contraception is practiced?

Another way the word “protection” gets bandied about is regarding the use of condoms, and we know that’s a dangerous assumption to make that a) that condom is going to guarantee no STDs, and b) that the condom can prevent wounded hearts and souls and emotional baggage that people carry into marriage later on.

Honestly, I think we need to avoid talk about the subject of birth control if we are trying to bring someone to the fullness of the Truth. We must first go deeper with a person and encourage them to increase their love and faith in God. How can I let someone know how much better my life is because of my “openness” to God’s creation? By living my life in a way that shows how happy I am! But why am I happy?? Why am I open to more children? Because I LOVE God and trust in his plan for us…crosses and all. But that Love is not fostered by discussions of NFP, “protection” and “openness to life.” We must foster love! Work at making an acquaintance a friend, pray for that new friend’s salvation and then, try to help encourage their faith life. Broaden your apostolate to more than discussion of birth control and start at planting a Seed of Love in a persons heart. Hopefully the Seed will grow, and they will come to believe in God’s plan and put aside their fears.

Well…that’s my :twocents:

 

[3DOCTORS]

It might help if at this point I explain a tiny bit more of what sparked this train of thought before I started the thread. Someone I know who grew up in a country without all the material wealth of, say, the USA, and also had a large number of siblings, is understandably concerned that younger relatives get their education and have enough to live on.

Nothing wrong with that as a goal. It’s a morally good thing in and of itself.

It’s just that the insistence on limiting family size and using contraception as the means to that end makes me uncomfortable when this person gets to talking about it rather vehemently. That includes scolding those family members who have more than the number of kids that this person thinks is “plenty.”

On another note, I haven’t attempted yet to point out about the abortifacient properties of some contraception methods to this individual. There’s more to this than I am at liberty to reveal. But besides this person, there are many, many other people taking this same approach to deciding what is an ideal family size, and ithis kind of thinking occurs across a variety of different countries and social strata. Possibly thanks to UN population programs and that sort of thing that spread the contraception propaganda.

It just really boils down to public and individual opinion gets shaped by the feeling that only very small families are the socially responsible choice, and that couples are practically obliged to contracept in order to achieve that small family size.

And let’s face it, the methods of contraception that are the most popular also tend to be the potentially abortifacient methods, because those are statistically the most “effective.” But how many pregnancy-free months are due to ovulation being prevented and how many to a fertilized egg, a tiny human being, being prevented from implanting in the womb and thus killed? We probably will never know.

 

[Allegra]

I tend to think that NFP is an ideal.

A lot of married couples aren’t in ideal relationships or situations.

I know a couple who has 2 autistic kids.

What I hear people saying is that, regardless of circumstances, either

1. this couple should never have sex again
2. this couple should use NFP and “be open to the possibility of creating a new life” when they are already struggling to raise the two kids they’ve already created.

Sorry, but I don’t have enough nerve to tell them that they are bad Catholics because they want to focus on the health and well-being of the kids they already have and not worry about a potential third autistic child coming into their complicated situation.

Their oldest is the same age as my son (5 and a half) and he’s still not potty-trained (no interest whatsoever in learning, either) or talking. They spend most of their extra money on OT/Speech/social groups to help both their kids gain skills that most kids naturally learn. That gets expensive real quick with two kiddos getting specialized services.

I tend to agree with BlueEyedLady on this one.

If they have sex while on birth control, they are taking just as much of a risk of having another child as if they were using NFP. (Unless you consider abortion a form of birth control.) The issue is how they are going about spacing their children, not that they are attempting to space their children in the first place.

 

[3DOCTORS]

If they have sex while on birth control, they are taking just as much of a risk of having another child as if they were using NFP. (Unless you consider abortion a form of birth control.) The issue is how they are going about spacing their children, not that they are attempting to space their children in the first place.

Very good point. And as I said above, the contraceptive methods with the highest rates of “success” are achieving part of that via abortifacient effects. If there were a way to determine the percentage of abortion vs. prevention of ovulation, and subtract that from the total, I would bet that the “success” percentage of those methods would plummet.

 

[Usige]

I can make a whole list of things that my husband and I are protecting ourselves from by using contraception, including, but certainly not limited to: financial ruin, homelessness, missed career opportunities, incomplete education, both physical and mental health issues, etc.

Until I have finished law school and we have something in the bank a child would be disastrous. I am not protecting myself from him, nor he from me. Rather, we made a decision together about what we need to do in order to be able to have the family that we’ve always wanted when the time is right.

Thanks for sharing. Can I ask why things like “financial ruin, homelessness” are tied to having children? Do you mean because some one is or because they think children will lead to them. When talking about someone “protecting” themselves I don’t think of their current situation, but rather future consequences.

If you mean someone is protecting themselves from certain financial ruin by not having a kid that is what I mean about irrational fears. If having a kids will cause financial ruin then that is not the only, or even most likely, cause of the issue. Foreseeing children as the certain cause of dire consequences is what I am trying to understand.

Let me share a personal story with you. My wife and I started dating while she was a sophomore in high school and I was just getting ready to start college. Towards the end of her senior year we seriously started talking about getting married. We set the date for the fall after she graduated high school despite the fact that I still had a year of school left and our combined income was the equivalent of 22k in today’s dollars.

So two weeks before we were going to get married we found out she was pregnant (birth control failure). My wife finished out her first semester and I dropped out and found a full time job. I know, certain disaster loomed on the horizon, but… nothing horrendous happened. We struggled for a little bit and found a way to make it work. We then had our second and still no disasters.

Fast forward 18 years and 3 (soon to be 4) kids later. I just finished my bachelors degree 3 years ago and despite the fact that my wife doesn’t work outside the home our income is in the top 15% of US household incomes.

My point is that despite having children when we were young, broke and without college degrees did not cause a disaster. Children didn’t dictate my future. The two people in my family that have financial problems do not have them because of kids, but rather because of poor choices they made.

None of us can predict the future. Someone could say they are protecting themselves from the “consequences” of kids so they can be a doctor or lawyer, but what happens if they fail the bar or flunk out of med school? If they never had kids then what is the cause now?

My whole point is why are children in particular seen as the primary barrier to happiness or primary cause of disaster? What is it in our society that programs people to see children in this light?

I am not trying to pick on you or offend you, but truly am trying to understand where the underlying belief that children can cause all these issues comes from.

As a side note; our two oldest have Tourettes Syndrome and Atypical Autism so it’s not like we were given the gift of the most perfect children.

 

[Allegra]

I think people come to think of birth control as “protection” because for the vast majority of our society, that’s exactly what it is used for when they first start using it. They aren’t potecting themselves against their spouse or even a beloved fiance. They are using it to protect themselves against the natural consequences of having sexual relations with someone (or several someones) whom they are fully aware do not realy love them, are not willing to make any sort of sacrifice for them, and are using them as a means to an orgasm. When one decides to engage in such an arrangement, it is pudent to use “protection” against physical and legal consequences. Unfortunately, they haven’t come up with a form of “protection” that defends the heart or the soul from that kind of thing. Even if the person manages to grow up and find a spouse who actually does love and cherish them, the mentality and the verbage sticks around.

PS- I always find it laughable when people suggest that women are more powerful in the situation because they are the ones who generally select the form of birth control used. I should think so! With the exception of male sterilization surgery, the rest of the forms of birth control are either stuffed, injected, or swallowed into the woman’s body and not the mans! Shouldn’t she be the one who gets to decide if she prefers to have sex with plastic barriers or run the risk of breast cancer? It’s an amazing job of marketing that our society sees the systematic poisoning of women and young girls so that men and boys can use them without consequence as some sort of triumph or freedom for women. Meanwhile, the males assume no risk whatsoever.