When purity rings don't cut it

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sonolady06

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My fiance and I recently decided to stop having sex. We are getting married in a year. We have not gone back on this decision, but it is a daily struggle. I am trying to find a way to express my love and affection for him in a different, yet equally strong manner. I have looked for answers in many places, but they all say, “don’t have sex, and everything will be fine.” They say to avoid temptation. For me, that would mean not being in his presence until our wedding day. He says that he is completely satisfied just being with me. However, I feel I need to find ways to go above and beyond just being ok. I want to be able to kiss him without needing to tie my hands behind my back.
 
sonolady06 said:
My fiance and I recently decided to stop having sex. We are getting married in a year. We have not gone back on this decision, but it is a daily struggle. I am trying to find a way to express my love and affection for him in a different, yet equally strong manner. I have looked for answers in many places, but they all say, “don’t have sex, and everything will be fine.” They say to avoid temptation. For me, that would mean not being in his presence until our wedding day. He says that he is completely satisfied just being with me. However, I feel I need to find ways to go above and beyond just being ok. I want to be able to kiss him without needing to tie my hands behind my back.
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Why not get married sooner? My wife and I were married 5 months after our engagement.

God Bless
 
I would love to get married sooner, but we are paying for the wedding and cannot afford it until then.
 
Do you pray together? In prayer, give thanks to God for each other and thank Him for giving you this opportunity to grow in spirit together.
 
sonolady06 said:
My fiance and I recently decided to stop having sex. We are getting married in a year. We have not gone back on this decision, but it is a daily struggle. I am trying to find a way to express my love and affection for him in a different, yet equally strong manner. I have looked for answers in many places, but they all say, “don’t have sex, and everything will be fine.” They say to avoid temptation. For me, that would mean not being in his presence until our wedding day. He says that he is completely satisfied just being with me. However, I feel I need to find ways to go above and beyond just being ok. I want to be able to kiss him without needing to tie my hands behind my back.
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You have trained your will in a particular way (or rather, it trained you) and now you will have to train your will in virtue instead. You will have to assert your will actively and consciously.

If this means meeting in public or only in groups for a while then so be it. If you cannot control yourself, you will have to put other mechanisms in place to help you do so.

I suggest you read the book Three to Get Married by Archbishop Fulton Sheen.
 
Just wanted to say, bravo for being so honest about your feelings and struggle. 👍
 
Talking in prayer to Our Holy Mother and concentration on her humanity and those emotions she felt while she lived among us can give you the strength to honor physical love as something precious as it is. Talk to her in your words, think of the feelings she experienced as a young child and growing young woman herself. Then later with our Lord as an infant, a child, as her teenage son and her young man. Deep love, Joy, surprise, affection, tenderness,… She was of us. If you think of her when those feelings rise, she will help you. You will also find the fullness of those gifts as they were given to you when the time for you both to be together arrives.
 
sonolady06 said:
My fiance and I recently decided to stop having sex. We are getting married in a year. We have not gone back on this decision, but it is a daily struggle. I am trying to find a way to express my love and affection for him in a different, yet equally strong manner. I have looked for answers in many places, but they all say, “don’t have sex, and everything will be fine.” They say to avoid temptation. For me, that would mean not being in his presence until our wedding day. He says that he is completely satisfied just being with me. However, I feel I need to find ways to go above and beyond just being ok. I want to be able to kiss him without needing to tie my hands behind my back.
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Are you living together?
 
No, we do not live togeter.

And, to twoyounggirls, thanks. Most of my friends are not practicing Catholics, so they cannot help me with this. My mom really knows what she is talking about, but such conversations tend to make her uncomfortable.
 
turtle18 said:
Do you pray together? In prayer, give thanks to God for each other and thank Him for giving you this opportunity to grow in spirit together.
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I second this… worked for me and DH before we got married… we struggled and we prayed … often
 
Don’t be alone together - it sounds extreme, but, you will have plenty of time alone together after you are married. Until then, if it keeps you from sinful behavior, stay public.

If one of you lives with parents or roommates, always keep the door OPEN to the room you are in. When driving in the car, keep a Bible on the car seat between you (sounds kinda Protestant, but, it is something large enough to be noticable).

Go to public places, museums, cafes, parks, shopping areas -

Pray and pray and pray.
 
Sonolady – Good for you! I will include you and your fiance in my prayers.

This link may help you out:

chastity.com/chastity/index.php?id=7&cat=How%20to%20Stay%20Pure

Alternatively, getting married sooner is an option. You could have a quiet ceremony now and use the money you are saving to throw a big party/reception once you’ve saved enough.

Or, you can scale down the wedding plans to something more affordable. When my husband and I were married (our 7-year anniversary was September 1), our entire wedding cost about $3,000 because we cut corners and kept it simple. Believe me, the marriage is MUCH more important than the wedding. 🙂

Good luck to you!
 
As far as practical ways to express your love for him, it kind of depends on what your “love language” is. How do you best hear “I love you”? Is it when someone does something nice for you? When someone spends quality time with you? When someone says it verbally? (Or tells you how much they appreciate X about you) Or is it through physical touch? The same questions apply to your intended…

For example, my primary love language is physical touch and quality time. So I really appreciate when my fiance gives me a hug or puts his arm around me while we’re watching a movie. Or kisses me on the forehead. It’s how I hear “I love you” from him. I also hear it when he leaves me a note with breakfast he made for me before leaving for work or when he does the dishes without my asking (we live separately but near each other and tend to cook and eat together).

There are certainly non-sexual ways to physically show someone you love them (if that happens to be your primary love language). You might give him a backrub or massage his hands/feet. You can hug him. You can kiss him (but only if it doesn’t put you in the near occasion of sinning). You could take ballroom dance lessons together. You could go on a walk and hold hands. (FYI, I sometimes find these other ways scream “I love you” at me much more than a kiss).

The other thing to look at is “is there something that triggers my desire for my fiance.” I know he and I have found that certain TV shows or commercials make living chastely much more difficult for us, so we try to avoid watching those. At other times, we can spend hours alone together and not think of doing things we shouldn’t at all. On those times when we do struggle, I think I’ll recommend praying together. 🙂

I’ll be watching this thread too for any other practical suggestions people might have.
 
I understand your struggle. My husband and I were married outside the Church in 2005. For about a year now, we have been living chastely while we wait for our real wedding day, in the Church. It is a daily struggle, and as the Wedding day gets closer, it gets harder. I second the prayer thing, and scaling back all physical affections that becomes a near occasion of sin for you or your fiance. You are in my prayers!
 
Joe_5859 said:
Elisa, you’ve read The Five Love Languages, haven’t you? 🙂

That would be a good book to read together and receive some practical ideas.

God bless your commitment to chastity!
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I’ve heard a lot about it (my mom is a big proponent) but never had a chance to read it myself. I might this year. I do know enough to at least be able to speak about the love languages and notice how true it is in my life. Maybe my dear fiance and I should read it together…

I wasn’t sure if I should reccommend it because (having never read it) I don’t know how “protestant” it comes off. I seem to remember that it was written by one…
 
Read “Theology of the Body for Beginners” or “Good News About Sex and Marriage”. It took me a long time to unlearn what I learned about my sexuality. Theology of the Body really showed me what God’s plan was for my sexuality. Avoiding sin is a good first step but there is more to it than that. Also, try praying for strength in front of the Blessed Sacrament. God Bless!
 
MinnCatholic said:
Read “Theology of the Body for Beginners” or “Good News About Sex and Marriage”. It took me a long time to unlearn what I learned about my sexuality. Theology of the Body really showed me what God’s plan was for my sexuality. Avoiding sin is a good first step but there is more to it than that. Also, try praying for strength in front of the Blessed Sacrament. God Bless!
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Great post! I would have said the same thing but it would have taken three times as much space. I highly recommend the books too. TGNAS&M is handed out to our parish’s engaged couples. The way of living and loving through TOB can bring you to new levels of understanding and loving each other. Once understood, the issues you face will melt away. (Standard disclaimer… Your mileage will vary. It takes two to make this work.)
 
Well,good timing…right from the DNC …since the phants have a veep with a daughter who sounds like you…golly what a co-incidence…thank heavens (and the sanitation dept) that elephants dont fly! Neither does your post. This reminded me of the students…“Dur,Mr.Nino,my dog ate my homework”
 
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