When should I call for a quit?

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aroosi

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My marriage is, so to speak, in life support. Without sharing too many personal details here I would just say that we are becoming very distant. I swing from hope for a recovery to the despair for an imminent divorce. I asked my husband to attend counseling together but he doesn’t see it as a option. Every fight he brings up the D word, after every fight he apologizes but in few days everything goes back to the usual (unhealthy) routine. How to break the circle? Is there still hope? When is time to call for a quit?
 
aroosi said:
My marriage is, so to speak, in life support. Without sharing too many personal details here I would just say that we are becoming very distant. I swing from hope for a recovery to the despair for an imminent divorce. I asked my husband to attend counseling together but he doesn’t see it as a option. Every fight he brings up the D word, after every fight he apologizes but in few days everything goes back to the usual (unhealthy) routine. How to break the circle? Is there still hope? When is time to call for a quit?
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Talk to your priest, go to counseling and read some books by John Gottman. I also recommend the book “Don’t Shoot the Dog.” See if you can share some ideas with your husband. When he is apologizing might be a good time to bring up either counseling or some ideas from the books I mentioned.

Your husband is engaging in negative reinforcement. It often looks like it works, but it is really bad at teaching what to DO as opposed to what NOT to do, which is why things are getting worse, not better. If he wants a better marriage, he is going to have to learn positive reinforcement. And you should, too.

If there isn’t any visible improvement from your doing an extended course of positive reinforcement, I suggest reading Why Does He Do That and looking at an abuse checklist:

abuse-against-women.com/abuse_checklist.html

Best wishes!
 
I was just looking at a few of your old posts and I see that you have a toddler at home.

I have to mention that even under the best of circumstances, that can be a very stressful situation and can put a lot of strain on the marital relationship.

So, there is the possibility that you will see some improvements in your relationship as your child gets bigger, less difficult to deal with, and more self-sufficient. (But, on the other hand, having more children might lead to a recurrence of the relationship issues.)

Best wishes!
 
I’m so sorry. I’ve been around that mountain myself. Respectful communication with each other will only go so far. A person MUST grow out of their selfishness if a marriage is to thrive.
Pride was my biggest enemy. I was lucky; through a dramatic change in our lives I was shown, by others who were much more accomplished than I, that to let go of my pride was a hallmark of being a man.
 
While you are doing the long-term things suggested above, may I suggest two things? One is a variation from a book called Divorce-Busters (worth a read if you can find it): to recall events you had together that made him happy from the happier time in your relationship. Just a “Remember when we…” or " I was thinking about the time we…" kind of thing.

The second Is to do little things for him, esp if his"love language" is service (the first two or three reviews will give you enough info to start with). ( Some more helpful info). But doing little things for our spouses is also good for us, the doers,so I always recommend it --even something simple like setting up the coffee for him.
 
St_Francis said:
While you are doing the long-term things suggested above, may I suggest two things? One is a variation from a book called Divorce-Busters (worth a read if you can find it): to recall events you had together that made him happy from the happier time in your relationship. Just a “Remember when we…” or " I was thinking about the time we…" kind of thing.

The second Is to do little things for him, esp if his"love language" is service (the first two or three reviews will give you enough info to start with). (startmarriageright.com/2015/08/10-simple-but-powerful-ways-to-build-your-marriage/
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Some more helpful info). But doing little things for our spouses is also good for us, the doers,so I always recommend it --even something simple like setting up the coffee for him.

That looks helpful.
 
One thing you might be able to do is to go to individual counseling for support for yourself. You will also get an idea from there as to when to call it quits.
 
I think Ann Landers or Dear Abby said to ask yourself, “I am better off with or without him?”
 
When I have to make a very difficult decision, very often I get out a piece of paper and make 2 columns, pro’s and con’s. I list both for each decision, and one side usually comes out much more than the other, clarifying things.
 
If your husband won’t go for marriage counseling, go by yourself. It will help you, because as they say, it is never just one person’s “fault.” Perhaps you will learn how to respond differently, or you may learn you enable his behavior somehow, for example. Small changes sometimes bring results. Perhaps you will be able to get him to go when he notices a change in how you interact with him.
 
Thank you very very much to all of you for taking the time to read my post and reply. I really appreciated your prayers, feedback, encouragement, suggestions and sharing of online resources. When I wrote the post yesterday I was almost ready to quit but now I know I still want to do my best to save our marriage and keep our family together. I surely know it will not be easy and I most likely will need some extra help but it is well worth. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart and God bless you.
 
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