When Should I Tell Him?

[JerrySeibert]

Why confess something that has already been forgiven? Congratulations on overcoming your sin. I think it is awesome that you did this. You are forgiven. If you feel you need to share it. Do so, but realize you have no need to in my opinion.

 

[sharmin]

The Catechism is clear, we are not required to tell our sins to anyone, except our priest.

Her confessor will advise her.

Well, it is also clear in that it does not prohibit us to do so either. My husband and I confess to each other as well as to a Priest. It’s because we value open, honest, communication about what is going on in ourlives. Every marriage, in myopinion, should be open and honest. I can’t think of an instance where this wouldn’t be appropriate…

 

[MtnDwellar]

I understand propriety–I’m not trying to give too much or inappropriate information. If it didn’t seem relevant or significant for the reasons I gave above, I wouldn’t even consider it. (I manage to–mostly–keep the oversexed aspect of mainstream society out of my life–I don’t discuss sexual issues more than is absolutely necessary, so being improper is not something I take lightly.)

Does this all make sense? Where is my reasoning flawed? (That’s an honest question, not a challenge.) It is perhaps something that shouldn’t be discussed until engagement? I know some of you will argue that it shouldn’t come up, ever, but I’m inclined to disagree, for the given reasons.

Thanks again for your (name removed by moderator)ut. (And jwashu: good point, the point about not telling him now.)

Yes, it makes sense to me Those who point out that it is not necessary to confess your sins to anyone other than a priest are correct from a forgiveness standpoint. You say that it seems relevant. Telling him things that are relevant are necessary from an “honesty” standpoint.

I think that it may get your relationship off to a great start. You are setting an example for the honesty that you bring and also that which you expect. I doubt that anyone would bail from learning about a past transgression. If you brought it to me, I would feel honored. The honor would be that you trust me with personal information.

As far as when? When it feels right. You will know.

 

[GorgerCracker]

Yes, it makes sense to me Those who point out that it is not necessary to confess your sins to anyone other than a priest are correct from a forgiveness standpoint. You say that it seems relevant. Telling him things that are relevant are necessary from an “honesty” standpoint.

I think that it may get your relationship off to a great start. You are setting an example for the honesty that you bring and also that which you expect. I doubt that anyone would bail from learning about a past transgression. If you brought it to me, I would feel honored. The honor would be that you trust me with personal information.

As far as when? When it feels right. You will know.

I like her suggestion of bringing it up after they’re engaged. By then she’ll know him better and, hopefully, feel more comfortable bringing it up if she still wants to. Plus, by then she’ll know for sure that he loves her; so perhaps it won’t be as scary.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

IMHO telling him anything will pose a serious temptation towards impurity. Your solo sex life isn’t something that you should really be discussing with anyone you’re dating.

 

[HazelVN]

I think you should prayfully consider if you should and if ‘yes’ when. God has led you to this person and if you are seeking to do God’s will then He will guide you to it. As many have suggested you are not obliged to reveal this to your friend. So pray about it everyday and place it in Gods hands. He will defnitely lead you to do what is right at the right time.

I had a similar struggle which seemed like a mountain before me at the time when I met my (now)husband and I prayed(I think every waking moment) but it’s unbelievable how once you have given your weaknesses to God and seek to do His will… everything works out so well.

Will be praying for you.

 

[averyfineline]

I understand your concern. When I got married many years ago, I was carrying the burden of serious sin and, needing to vent, I told my husband. I didnt’ want him to hold me on such a high pedestal. He basically said that I didnt’ need to tell him, but that I should go to confession, which I did. I later found out that he had some pretty serious sins/habits that he kept from me (no wonder he didn’t feel I need to divulge anything to him.) My guilty conscious used to work overtime but now I am learning that its okay to keep somethings to myself. Unfortunately, we did divorce and by the grace of God I have received an annulment–we had some pretty serious communication issues.

I have a boyfriend now who is my best friend and I feel so comfortable with him that I can discuss anything with him, and I know he wouldn’t judge me nor I judge him. I think it is important to feel free enough to be able to say anything you want to your boyfriend, especially if you are considering him as a future spouse. You don’ t have to say everything.–that is your business–the point is that you should feel free to if you wish and know that you are loved undcondionally. What bothers me most about your concern is not your sin or whether or not you need to disclose it—that is up to you–but your apparant discomfort in being yourself and his possible reaction. Remember that if he is for you, he isn’t going anywhere. I have learned through much patience that when God wants to bless something, it will continue to grow, even through trials and tribulations, whereas something that doesn’t come from him doesnt take much to self destruct.

I hope this helps a bit. Don’t worry about anything…God loves you so much and the fact that you are even concerned about the possibilty of portraying yourself in a manner that may not be authentic, means that you truly are genuine. Sounds like he is blessed to have you in his life

 

[mybeloveds]

I don’t understand why people are saying that it isn’t his business. ??? If you really do plan on marrying him, then you should be honest. This isn’t to say give detail- it just means that he should know if you have struggled with such a thing.

My husband struggled/struggles with pornography and masturbation addictions before and after marriage. I always knew about it and he could go 6 months without it being a problem (which he has), but that doesn’t mean that sin never creeps back in again. You should feel comfortable enough with him that you can talk about such a thing. There is NO reason why he should break up with you for this.

It is true that it’s the past and you have been forgiven, but that doesn’t mean that you couldn’t relapse. I really hope you don’t and I don’t mean to bring you down! But things happen and it’s better to just be honest and upfront. He can help you with it.

When I realized how much my husband struggled for a while there, I tried to help him and read about it and talk about it. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship (aside from things like God, Church, etc.).

Don’t wait for the right moment- there won’t be one. “Speaking of spaghetti and meatballs, I used to masturbate a lot…” It won’t happen. Just talk to him. It’ll be okay- It’ll be more than okay because you’ll move to a whole other level in the relationship filled with openenss and trust and honesty.

 

[emil2804]

This begs the question, “what would be your reaction if your boyfriend told you he has been masturbating?”
I believe the problem is almost universal among males and there would be hardly any man who would consider it a problem if you were into it at some time in the past.
I for one would have a problem dealing with the situation if my wife told me she had sexual relations with some other man, even if it was before we ever met but would be completely OK with it if she told me that she used to masturbate in the past but has since confessed and given it up. I wouldn’t think she even needed to tell me about it.
In my opinion, this doesn’t affect a marriage in any way and you are better off just accepting that it was in the past, God has forgiven you for it and he doesn’t need to know.

 

[stefina]

I used to go through the same struggle from the start when me and my boyfriend were together, it was something we both struggled with, and it was our own personal choice to tell each other… we have completley stopped any masterbation for a year now, and he is now my fiancee! So my suggestion from personal experience would be, if you feel comfertable with time to share that with your boyfriend then you should, you never know if he is having the same struggle as you, right? I found that me and my boyfriend would help each other and pray for each other… it really does help…however, you shouldnt be afraid to share this with him due to the fact that he wont want to marry you… it shouldnt work that way, if you have gone to confession and you are truely sorry, he has no reason to judge, Jesus knows your sorry and it is a hard thing to overcome, Good Luck and it IS possible to stop your struggle!!!

God Bless you and your boyfriend!!

 

[phil8888]

Hi, all. First-time poster, lifelong Catholic.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for two weeks (we actually became an item on Easter, which I find really special), before which we dated more-or-less casually for around a month and a half. We’ve discussed marriage in a vague sort of way, not so much that he and I definitely intend to marry each other but that it’s what we’re both seeking in a relationship (a husband/wife). God has been at the center of our whole relationship, the beginning of our friendship through now–we’ve been attending mass together since November–and I’m confident that not only is this something that God is in favor of but that my boyfriend is a gift from God to me (and vice versa, although it feels self-important to call myself a gift from God to someone else, even if it’s true). We have discussed a marriage timeline, though: he figures that he’d want to get married around a year after he graduates college, which would be around a year and a semester after I graduate, and I’m on the same page.

But I have a problem: until early October, for just short of four years, I struggled with masturbation. I’m terrified of what he’s going to say when I tell him. I’m terrified that it’s going to be a deal-breaker. Of course, if it is, I’ll understand; I messed up, and I have to suffer the consequences. I’ve been to confession since I stopped, and God’s grace and continued assistance have allowed me to permanently break the habit–it’s been more than six months now. I have, for the most part, forgiven myself, although I’ve never felt more sorry for anything in my life.

So my question: when do I tell him? I don’t want him to spend months with me just to find this out and then feel like he’s wasted time on a relationship that he doesn’t want. But I also don’t want to bring it up too soon, before the relationship is ready for that kind of a blow. I don’t expect a time really, perhaps an idea for things to watch for in the relationship. I want to be honest with him about this, but not until it’s appropriate. Although I have only known him since September, I truly want to marry him, someday in the future once our relationship has had sufficient time to grow, at which point I’d make the definite decision to marry him. But I only want to marry him if he wants to marry me, the whole me and not just the pretty parts, even though I would prefer more than I can express that the ugly parts weren’t there.

Thanks for any help you can offer. God bless you.

It’s been 6 months. You went to confession. You showed contrition. I think you have done something very good. This is kind of interesting to me. I didn’t know girls used to have big issues with pornography. It’s pretty rare. Personally I doubt he would care that much really, especially given that it’s way in the past. Don’t worry about it.

 

[thecakeisalie]

Thanks again for all of your (name removed by moderator)ut.

After prayer and contemplation and assessing the way our relationship has grown (marriage is definitely in our future, although engagement is as well), the topic came up, more or less, and I told him about it, and we talked about the issue. As it turns out, I wasn’t alone in the struggle, and he’d been wondering the same thing, whether or not he should tell me. And although it may or may not depend on the person, we both felt that it was an honesty issue, that being able to share such things with the person you’ll marry someday is important.

I showed him this thread, and he suggested posting an update of sorts. For anyone who struggles with the same problem, being able to talk about this issue (in a chaste way that doesn’t disclose unnecessary, inappropriate details) has been invaluable to our relationship. Although couples differ and God may have a different answer for other couples discerning marriage, this was our answer.

Thanks again, and God bless!

 

[joandarc2008]

Great to hear from you. God bless you - and you must feel as if the the Lord as lifted a tremondous cross from your shoulders. Use the extra energy wisely

 

[stefina]

Good for you, for opening up to your boyfriend… you did the right thing Think of this as a step in the relationship… your going in the right direction, for both of you guys being open and honest!

God Bless you both… don’t give up! You’ll over come this struggle!

 

[JimG]

and you would be telling him, why?

confession is for confession, you and the priest, nobody else. certainly not here, either, the spiritual benefit comes from the sacrametnal grace of Christ which heals these spiritual wounds.

I agree with this. Confession is for the priest in the confessional, not for the spouse or the boyfriends, or the family or the kids. But we seem to live in a voyeuristic age, in which too much information is a way of life.

(Do kids confess to their parents before they go to confess at the church? If that’s the thinking, it’s not likely many will go to confession.)