When should we get engaged?

[Lincat]

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for two years and have known each other for five. We are so ready to be married, however that won’t happen until we have both graduated from college (3 more years). We have talked about everything in our marriage and are wanting to know how much time to allow during our engagement. 1 year? 2 years? We know we need to take marriage classes and NFP classes.
Any advice?

Also, he is starting RCIA classes soon…he is not Catholic yet!

 

[llenadegracia]

I’m not sure if any of us here can fully answer that question without knowing you and him. Even if we knew the both of you, I’m still not sure if anyone but the two of you can answer that question.

With that said, there’s a few other factors…how old are the both of you? It completely changes the story if you’re 18/19 college freshmen and have three more years left vs being early twenties and having three more years left. Just something to think about.

If you’re 18/19 year old college freshmen, then I would not recommend you get married anytime before your senior year (ages 21-23ish). You could get engaged at the end of next year, and married at the beginning of senior year. Then if God blesses you with a child, you’d be able to finish school and at least one of you would have a degree to support yourself.

But overally, my advice if you’re really sure that you’re ready to be married…talk to a priest and see what he thinks and also ask both sets of your parents.

 

[Usige]

I have never understood the though of engagement only being possible once some arbitrary life milestone or age has passed. If you are confident that you will marry then get engaged now. Engagement does not start some countdown clock that expires at T-x days. Start reading and talking about what marriage means now. You’d be surprised how many couples my wife and I have done marriage prep with that dated for 5, 8, 10+ years and still had not talked about what marriage and raising a family would mean. Since you are not married you should be living chastely and can start NFP now without impacting your conjugal life.

A note about being “too young” to be engaged. My wife and I technically were engaged when she was 16 and I was 18. We waited 3 years for her to finish high school, but married when she was a freshman in college and I was a sophomore (I was paying for school so worked full time and went to school part time). Best decision we ever made. By starting our life young we grew into adulthood together. We didn’t have two careers and the associated lifestyle to worry about. If we had waited until I finished school to consider getting married (took me about 7 years), we would not have our oldest 2 kids.

Not saying getting married young is for everyone, but drives me nuts when I see blanket statements about people should wait until they are at least in their 20s to get married. Most long term couple I know married young (18 - 22). Most divorced couples were in their late 20’s or early 30’s and had lived together through a long engagement (4+ years). The recurring theme with those that divorced was that their spouse didn’t give them “room to be themselves”. They often didn’t understand the sacrificial nature of marriage. Those are the things to think and talk about now; total giving and sacrifice of self for each other.

 

[Lincat]

I have never understood the though of engagement only being possible once some arbitrary life milestone or age has passed. If you are confident that you will marry then get engaged now. Engagement does not start some countdown clock that expires at T-x days. Start reading and talking about what marriage means now. You’d be surprised how many couples my wife and I have done marriage prep with that dated for 5, 8, 10+ years and still had not talked about what marriage and raising a family would mean. Since you are not married you should be living chastely and can start NFP now without impacting your conjugal life.

A note about being “too young” to be engaged. My wife and I technically were engaged when she was 16 and I was 18. We waited 3 years for her to finish high school, but married when she was a freshman in college and I was a sophomore (I was paying for school so worked full time and went to school part time). Best decision we ever made. By starting our life young we grew into adulthood together. We didn’t have two careers and the associated lifestyle to worry about. If we had waited until I finished school to consider getting married (took me about 7 years), we would not have our oldest 2 kids.

Not saying getting married young is for everyone, but drives me nuts when I see blanket statements about people should wait until they are at least in their 20s to get married. Most long term couple I know married young (18 - 22). Most divorced couples were in their late 20’s or early 30’s and had lived together through a long engagement (4+ years). The recurring theme with those that divorced was that their spouse didn’t give them “room to be themselves”. They often didn’t understand the sacrificial nature of marriage. Those are the things to think and talk about now; total giving and sacrifice of self for each other.

Ah thank you so much for your response! This is going to help our decision a lot. We are both 19, so we would feel very judged if we got engaged so young, however, we feel such a strong pull from God that it is the next step in our relationship (we are very mature for our age). Marriage will definitely have to wait until we’re out of college because we go to different schools. Thank you again for this great advice!

 

[wanabesaint]

Never…

the idea of going to mere strangers to ask if you should seek Gods Sacrament to be married to one for life, to honor, charish, in good times and bad has a sense of , odity.

to marry one is to lay your life down and to for ever put them in highest regard, dispite their failures (to which regret to inform you they got) till the end of time…

and we equally think that you should come to consider that todays “abductions” of higher education superstition are more so a great brainwashing to what others want you to believe, not Truth of reality… its not a solution, but rather a mere enhanced complication to add not wisdom, but an justification and acceptance, to failure.
in your post, in a reality you have already married yourself to the things of this world, to have an occupation to , attain this world through engaging the workforce,
its good to reflect, though not politically correct to recognize, your going to marry your desires of this world, and the Sacrament of Marriage also… what will be your prioirty , your familiy, or attaining that of this world in your occupation,
children mulitplly ones love, but seeking of this world, divides your love…
People/Children and our charity towards mulitiplies our love, things of this world we seek devide our love… good to recognize that before you go on any more… choose now, for only one single reason exists to seek marriage, Children, the greatest gift of God… to be married and to pray or ask for anythiing else, in recognition of the wisdom of, is a sin…

Marriage, should be regarded the same as the admittance to Vocations of holy orders, you dont walla make a discission to be a Priest or Nun, thier is great preperation, and self sacrific before the big event to be comes to be.

consider, the sacrament of Marriage is no less of a Sarcrament than that of the Holy Orders, and seek the answer to marriage based on that same consideration.

A priest or nun would deny themself for the family of the church as a whole, will you do the same for one single person as well, with a total denial for youself at the same level?

when people say that priests should be married, they got s for brains to the reality of the sacraments, and mock the sacrament o f Marriage at the same time, a mortal sin in itself…

raise youself to a higher standard for others to follow, that is the answer …

 

[Mrs_Sally]

I second the idea that getting married “young” can be very successful. I do recommend that next time you are both home you make an appointment to speak to your priest about marriage and marriage prep though. There may be things you can start now or soon, there may be things that will go better when you are in the same place.

I assume your boyfriend will be going through RCIA in his college town? Encourage him to get involved in the Catholic campus ministry there. And you do the same at your school.

 

[Lincat]

I second the idea that getting married “young” can be very successful. I do recommend that next time you are both home you make an appointment to speak to your priest about marriage and marriage prep though. There may be things you can start now or soon, there may be things that will go better when you are in the same place.

I assume your boyfriend will be going through RCIA in his college town? Encourage him to get involved in the Catholic campus ministry there. And you do the same at your school.

We are planning to talk with the priest at my parish this summer. He is also looking into RCIA at his school, while I am VERY involved in the Catholic campus ministry at my school as well.
Thank you for your thoughts!

 

[Mrs_Sally]

We are planning to talk with the priest at my parish this summer. He is also looking into RCIA at his school, while I am VERY involved in the Catholic campus ministry at my school as well.
Thank you for your thoughts!

Sounds like you have a good plan in place! God’s blessings on you both and your future. I’ll pray for you.

 

[Usige]

Ah thank you so much for your response! This is going to help our decision a lot. We are both 19, so we would feel very judged if we got engaged so young, however, we feel such a strong pull from God that it is the next step in our relationship (we are very mature for our age). Marriage will definitely have to wait until we’re out of college because we go to different schools. Thank you again for this great advice!

Regardless of when you chose to marry, just make sure you spend your engaement talking about what marriage means. Sometimes people put off these talks until they are in the thick of the wedding planning which is the worst time to start talking about kids, finances, etc. If you lay the foundation now it will save a ton of stress when you get closer to an actual wedding date.

 

[mdleagedguy]

My wife and I got married when I was in college. It added on to the time it took to finish because I had to work two jobs to pay for pregnancy and childbirth, but I wouldn’t change that decision. We didn’t couldn’t afford health insurance and the VA screwed up my GI bill payments. I would advise setting purchasing health insurance and setting aside money to pay for copayments first. Most colleges have a health insurance plan you can buy, or if you are in the U.S. and your parents are covered under a plan, you are automatically covered now until age 26.