When somebody is in love with you

[Kathrin]

I care a lot about other people’s feelings. I never want to hurt anybody.
I have been single all my life, and at least right now I think that is the right thing for me. I do a lot of volunteering and live a rather unstable life.

I have become friends with a guy I really like. It is typical for me that I am kind of naive and I believe a lot in friendship… and the wholw sexual aspect doesn’t play a big role in my life. (I am still a virgin).

He is a Protestant, but he came to mass with me twice. And I went to a Portestant service with him. But that was before he wanted to get really close.

Ok, here are some questions that have been going through my head:

Is it ok to try to stay friends… or will it hurt him more in the end? I was really honest with him. It is good to talk to him, and I want him to be happy, he has been dealing with so much depression in the last few years.
Is it ok for me to let him lay his arm around me, or am I causing him to feel something improper sexually?
If I feel a LITTLE bit of something too if a man lays his arm around me, is that ok? Or is that already a sin?
Since he says sex is really important for him, should I try to be that friend to him who will show him that non-sexual relationships are possible?

I am just a bit confused right now. I don’t want to hurt him. He is sweet, and we have a lot in common. But I do not want a sexual relationship.

Kathrin

 

[pharmacistUH]

You are concerned that him holding you is a sin? It is not, and it is ok to have feelings of attraction to someone of the other sex. However, you are saying that he wants a sexual relationship, and that is something you should be careful of. You don’t want to enter a state of mortal sin just to make someone feel better. It would be much easier for him to get over if you let him know you are not interested in a relationship with him in the beginning instead of waiting until he is really, really into you. I will pray for you.

 

[chrysostom15]

You are best to not remain friends with him, if your goal is to not hurt him. Him going to your Church and then you attending his services is very much a clear intention to date, not of his spiritual interest in being Catholic. Same is true with him talking about sex, and putting his arm around you.

He is taking action that suggests he has no view of you as a friend, but wants to date you.

It would be very hard for him, from what you have posted, to remain friends. It would just be time used to try to date you.

 

[wtpdosa]

I would be deeply concerned by his lack of respect for you. By this I mean that by what you have said, you’ve told him that sex is not happening, but he still persists. What I see happening here is a boundary issue. You have set one up and he is using his “depression” as a ploy to satisfy his sexual desires.
What is at stake here is your life, both spiritual and physical. By giving in to his masterful manipulation, you will incur mortal sin and you will loose something that means a lot to you, your virginity.
This young man has no respect for either of these important values in your life. The sad fact is that you have taken the bait and have feelings that if you don’t give in to his sinful desires, you are going to hurt him. For Goodness sake! What about you?!!! Wake up and see that he really has no care or concern for the good and holy things you value. Dump this sad excuse for a Christian who has no real love for you in his cold heart. What he is doing is what is called as verbal and mental abuse. Please don’t fall for it! Think about your future and life. What if you become pregnant? Are you ready for that now in your life.
By refusing his sexual advances, you will definitely be following in great steps (St. Maria Goretti).
Please do the loving thing for yourself, and pray to the Holy Spirit for Wisdom and guidance.
Continue to go to Mass and check out some of the Catholic Singles groups to find people who really are involved with their faith and are working on real loving and RESPECTFUL relationships.

You are in my prayers,

Br. Tom Davis, OSA

 

[Kathrin]

Hello everybody,
I thank you all very much for your replies. I am evry new to this group and have not posted here before.

I do not agree that he has a cold heart. He is very sweet, has a great sense of humor, and he is very understanding, and if I made it sound like he was stalking me - no, he has been gentle and careful in his advances.
And he has never used his depression as a means of manipulation. It is ME who is concerned about that, but he himself has never said anything like “if you leave me I will get more depressed”.
It is just that the boundary between friendship and… “more” has been approached and maybe crossed very very slowly… And I have feelings of BROTHERLY love for him, that I do.

Now I wonder why I even posted this, maybe I am just neurotic. (That I am anyway I guess ) Well, probably mostly because of my concerns about sin… and maybe leading somebody on… I mean, by being “just friends”, I cannot change that he still might feel sexually attracted.

He is understanding of my feelings though. He says he respects them, and not to worry so much.
Which makes it all even harder!

Kathrin

p.s. Thank you so much for the prayers!!

 

[chevalier]

I would say do not be pressured into allowing anything which you do not want. Same if something puts you under pressure. Or if you read a gesture sexually. Or if you see it gives him some sort of sexual pleasure or satisfaction or whatever. I’m not saying this is it with casting an arm around a girl, necessarily, at least, but it can be ambiguous. Don’t hurt him, but don’t hurt yourself either.

One more thing: you certainly don’t owe him a relationship, such as to show him it’s possible to have a relationship without sex.

 

[gam3rchic]

If you feel something when he puts his arm around you, that’s ok! You have not sinned…

You mentioned something though that did disturb me a bit…you said that a sexual relation is important to him…well, he needs to make a decision then…either put sex by the wayside or kick him to the highway b/c you can not compromise on that. If he’s willing to put sex aside, then I wish you good luck!

My prayers for you and him!

 

[wtpdosa]

It is just that the boundary between friendship and… “more” has been approached and maybe crossed very very slowly…

He is understanding of my feelings though. He says he respects them, and not to worry so much.
Which makes it all even harder!

Yes, he understands your feelings and he respects them, and yes your boundary has been crossed, but what seems odd to me is that you are indeed worried and he does not want you to worry so much.
If your worried about sin and you have crossed the “more,” you really need to talk to your parish priest.
I would agree with the old adage that love is blind, but seeings how he understands and respects your feelings and still pushes on to have you continue to sin and fulfill his sexual desires, it is lust that this “Brotherly” love has in mind. Please turn away from his and your sinful desires and be faithful to God’s will in your life.
What is so hard about doing what God wants?

Be Strong in your faith!

Br. Tom

 

[Kathrin]

Thank you all. For your insights. For your prayers.
I agree, I HAVE set up a boundary and he has (even though gently, but still) crossed it. Or tried to, anyway. Held on to the hope that I might change my mind, probably.

You know what is one thing that I did? I lit a candle for him at church. So he may follow God’s way too and for his forgiveness too. I hope he will find happiness somehow, away from sexual pleasures. Not because I am in love with him, but just because I care about other people.

It hurts me to have to hurt somebody, but I need to be firm here.

Thanks again!

Kathrin

 

[ferio]

From a guy’s perspective: be open with him, tell him that the sex before marriage is not alright and you are not interested.

Really to tell you the truth I would tell him the turth and then distance myself from him…ASAP

I would not recommend dating a non-Catholic. I myself would only date (or court) Catholic women (the exception being Eastern Orthodox women). I couldnt discern marriage with a a woman who does not believe in the Eucharist or honor the Mother of God…it just wouldnt work. The Eucharist would have to be the foundation of our marriage. How could will we work through tough times if we dont even have the same faith?

Anyway, regardless of his being a Protestant, it sounds like this guy is not a very devout Christian anyway if a pre-marital sex relationship is important to him.

This is even a clearer sign you should not date him. This is a clear sign that you should dump him in a nice way, dont put your purity at risk.

Sounds like he is using his depression to make you feel sorry for him…if not consciously maybe unconsciously.

And in general, guys are thinking about sex 99 percent of the time anyway (ok well you get my point). It is the way we are wired. Catholic guys who WANT to wait till marriage have it hard enough, but AT LEAST they are making the effort through prayer and mortification to stay chaste (this usually reduces the thinking about sex to about 75 percent of the time )

But if a guy says what this guy said to you about wanting a sexual relationship…that means he REALLY wants it and will try to get it… believe me, as I said, it is hard enough for guys who want to be chaste…but a guy who says something like that??
FORGET IT!

Don’t hurt his feelings but give him the clear message that you are not interested and then stay away from this guy!
Also, dont lead him on, make it clear to him that you are not interested. There are many Catholic guys out there.

He does not truly love you if he wants a sexual relationship before marriage. Love is desiring the good of another. Putting your salvation, physical health, and putting you in a possible unwanted pregnancy situation is not desiring your good, it is not love. It is called lust.

 

[chevalier]

From a guy’s perspective: be open with him, tell him that the sex before marriage is not alright and you are not interested.

Agreed. If you aren’t firm, he will interpret that as a sign you’re wavering in your decision and that you might actually be interested in him.

I would not recommend dating a non-Catholic. I myself would only date (or court) Catholic women (the exception being Eastern Orthodox women). I couldnt discern marriage with a a woman who does not believe in the Eucharist or honor the Mother of God…it just wouldnt work. The Eucharist would have to be the foundation of our marriage. How could will we work through tough times if we dont even have the same faith?

Agreed. And the philosophical differences when it comes to how the world is seen and how morality is approached, can be vast between different faiths. There can be huge difficulties with Protestants because of certain doctrines. You need to observe the Catholic rules and bring your children up in Catholicism. You don’t need opposition in the ranks.

Anyway, regardless of his being a Protestant, it sounds like this guy is not a very devout Christian anyway if a pre-marital sex relationship is important to him.

Relativism of some kind, I suppose.

This is even a clearer sign you should not date him. This is a clear sign that you should dump him in a nice way, dont put your purity at risk.

Yeah. Boundaries soften over time. You may eventually be convinced step by step. It starts with pushing small things, but finishes with big things, if it finishes at all.

And in general, guys are thinking about sex 99 percent of the time anyway (ok well you get my point). It is the way we are wired. Catholic guys who WANT to wait till marriage have it hard enough, but AT LEAST they are making the effort through prayer and mortification to stay chaste (this usually reduces the thinking about sex to about 75 percent of the time )

But here I disagree. You can call me impotent if you like. Admittedly, I was different several years ago, but I still don’t see it that way. I’m not even sure men think of sex more than women do.

 

[whatevergirl]

I care a lot about other people’s feelings. I never want to hurt anybody.
I have been single all my life, and at least right now I think that is the right thing for me. I do a lot of volunteering and live a rather unstable life.

I have become friends with a guy I really like. It is typical for me that I am kind of naive and I believe a lot in friendship… and the wholw sexual aspect doesn’t play a big role in my life. (I am still a virgin).

He is a Protestant, but he came to mass with me twice. And I went to a Portestant service with him. But that was before he wanted to get really close.

Ok, here are some questions that have been going through my head:

Is it ok to try to stay friends… or will it hurt him more in the end? I was really honest with him. It is good to talk to him, and I want him to be happy, he has been dealing with so much depression in the last few years.
Is it ok for me to let him lay his arm around me, or am I causing him to feel something improper sexually?
If I feel a LITTLE bit of something too if a man lays his arm around me, is that ok? Or is that already a sin?
Since he says sex is really important for him, should I try to be that friend to him who will show him that non-sexual relationships are possible?

I am just a bit confused right now. I don’t want to hurt him. He is sweet, and we have a lot in common. But I do not want a sexual relationship.

Kathrin

I have nothing to offer as far as advice goes – but I think you are really a wonderful testimony for chastity. Your story warms my heart…and you are really sure of what God wants for you–and you are aligned with that–that’s really great. God bless!

 

[johntkd]

But here I disagree. You can call me impotent if you like. Admittedly, I was different several years ago, but I still don’t see it that way. I’m not even sure men think of sex more than women do.

This is hard for me to say because you and I dont normally agree on too much but I have to agree with you totally here,
I think the reason they say men think about “sex” so often is generalized anyways, men are by nature very visual, where women are not as visual so when we men see a nice looking woman and maybe take a second look they would see that as thinking about sex even though it really isnt,But now women are oggling ( sp) guys now they have almost as many "male models as female models advertising so I think tides have turned to a more equal status,

I admit I can be a real “pig” I have always had a extremely high sex drive, and I dont even come close to thinking about sex as often as they claim we men do…Maybe when i was 14 and I stress maybe

TO the OP if you tell him straight forward that you are not looking for a relationship with him, that you feel you are like siblings and best friends, you would nto be leading him on to be hurt, he may be like most of us men and feel he can get your heart eventually and you may have to remind him that you are not interested But I wouldnt see that as a bad thing really, if he keeps mentioning the sexual things then you need to be firm and just plain old say that you do not appreciate talk such as that, and to please stop because it is offensive to you as you do not see him in that way, if he refuses to stop then kick him to the curb.

John