When someone won't forgive you

[Bri125]

I’ve accidentally hurt someone I love. I acted with the best intentions and with this person’s best interest in mind, and in my honest heart of hearts I did NOT mean to hurt this person. However, my actions did cause hurt feelings and embarrassment. Have been receiving the silent treatment for five days now with no end in sight. I have acknowledged the pain I caused, apologized, offered explanations of my actions, assured person I meant NO harm. Still nothing. It is so painful to be sorry and to feel no resolution or forgiveness. The silent treatment is killing my heart! </3

 

[pensmama87]

I’ve accidentally hurt someone I love. I acted with the best intentions and with this person’s best interest in mind, and in my honest heart of hearts I did NOT mean to hurt this person. However, my actions did cause hurt feelings and embarrassment. Have been receiving the silent treatment for five days now with no end in sight. I have acknowledged the pain I caused, apologized, offered explanations of my actions, assured person I meant NO harm. Still nothing. It is so painful to be sorry and to feel no resolution or forgiveness. The silent treatment is killing my heart! </3

Obviously I don’t know about the situation, but I’d say five days is early yet, depending on the severity. Is this a person you see regularly or live with? Is the person just not returning contact or actively giving you “the cold shoulder?” How I’d respond would depend on that.

I would not grovel or go on begging for forgiveness. Healing can take time. Lift this person’s pain up in prayer as well as your own, and learn the lesson you can from this, even if it’s painful.

 

[Bri125]

It is someone I see very regularly but do not live with. I guess it would be not communicating with me (as we do constantly on a normal day), no active communication, except for one word answers when prompted. Thank you for your reply. I do realize that it takes awhile to “get over” things so maybe I just need to give some time and space.

 

[Lou2U]

Obviously I don’t know about the situation, but I’d say five days is early yet, depending on the severity. Is this a person you see regularly or live with? Is the person just not returning contact or actively giving you “the cold shoulder?” How I’d respond would depend on that.

I would not grovel or go on begging for forgiveness. Healing can take time. Lift this person’s pain up in prayer as well as your own, and learn the lesson you can from this, even if it’s painful.

Yes. Keep making an effort and just give it time.

Lou

 

[EasterJoy]

Stonewalling is very corrosive behavior. In a marriage, dealing with anger by dishing out the silent treatment is a predictor of divorce.

Still, many otherwise good people do it because they believe it is preferable to actually saying what they are thinking. To some extent, that is true. When we are angry, we can get really vicious, especially to someone close to us. (We tend to know where all their most vulnerable spots are, too.) Remind yourself when you are too angry to talk to someone to at least say: I am really angry and I have to work through this. I’m not trying to punish you, but I need some time to get over this. I’m sure you’ll understand. That would have made this easier on you, wouldn’t it?

They aren’t talking to you, but you can say something to them. I think I’d say this: I appreciate why you’re not talking to me, because in your shoes I have to think I might have some choice words I’d want to say, that is for sure. I hurt you, you’re angry, I deserve that. I just hope that if there is anything I can do to make amends, you’ll let me know what that is. I really would like to make this up to you, if that is possible. Otherwise, I’m just going to leave you alone and be thankful that you haven’t just round-housed me or something.

By doing that, you’ve essentially said that you believe person is stonewalling you out of mercy, because it is the lesser harm compared to the other things tempting him or her.

That says:
–the victim of your unintended injury has every right to be angry, and you aren’t denying that. You are not rushing to “have this over” so you can feel better before the victim feels better
–you interpret this stonewalling in a charitable way on the assumption that your victim is a kind person even when injured
–the stonewalling isn’t punishment, because you are taking it as an act of mercy

If the person is trying to punish you by stonewalling, you’ll take a little wind out of his or her sails. When you try to extract vengeance and your act of vengeance is instead taken as a merciful act by a nice person, it is harder to sustain it. Having said that, whatever you did caused some real damage. Your victim may be perseverating on how she is going to deal with that loss. That could take quite awhile, especially if she has to go through a grieving process over the loss. It is even possible that this breach of trust won’t allow a rebuilding of the relationship. In spite of the truth that you intended no harm, you do need to accept that possibility.

Then what you need to do is to be as good as your word, take the silent treatment as something the victim of your offense deserves to be given as a way to get beyond the hurt without saying something he or she does not want to say, and ride it out. Leave your victim alone, don’t act like you’re being martyred, but cooperate with the silence as what your victim needs in order to heal. The main thing is to make this about your victim and how your victim is feeling, and not about you and how you are feeling. If you lose this friendship, that is a real loss, you do need to deal with the loss, but you’ll need to deal with that with someone else. Don’t put it on your victim to help you get over this.

By the way, if this was taken as a major betrayal of trust, it may be a very long time before you are trusted again. Accept that as the victim’s prerogative. Don’t beat yourself up about what you did, but do not feel sorry for yourself, either, if you can help it. Even mistakes that aren’t meant to do harm have consequences. It cannot be helped.

Does that sound like something you can do?

 

[Bri125]

Stonewalling is very corrosive behavior. In a marriage, dealing with anger by dishing out the silent treatment is a predictor of divorce.

Still, many otherwise good people do it because they believe it is preferable to actually saying what they are thinking. To some extent, that is true. When we are angry, we can get really vicious, especially to someone close to us. (We tend to know where all their most vulnerable spots are, too.) Remind yourself when you are too angry to talk to someone to at least say: I am really angry and I have to work through this. I’m not trying to punish you, but I need some time to get over this. I’m sure you’ll understand. That would have made this easier on you, wouldn’t it?

They aren’t talking to you, but you can say something to them. I think I’d say this: I appreciate why you’re not talking to me, because in your shoes I have to think I might have some choice words I’d want to say, that is for sure. I hurt you, you’re angry, I deserve that. I just hope that if there is anything I can do to make amends, you’ll let me know what that is. I really would like to make this up to you, if that is possible. Otherwise, I’m just going to leave you alone and be thankful that you haven’t just round-housed me or something.

By doing that, you’ve essentially said that you believe person is stonewalling you out of mercy, because it is the lesser harm compared to the other things tempting him or her.

That says:
–the victim of your unintended injury has every right to be angry, and you aren’t denying that. You are not rushing to “have this over” so you can feel better before the victim feels better
–you interpret this stonewalling in a charitable way on the assumption that your victim is a kind person even when injured
–the stonewalling isn’t punishment, because you are taking it as an act of mercy

If the person is trying to punish you by stonewalling, you’ll take a little wind out of his or her sails. When you try to extract vengeance and your act of vengeance is instead taken as a merciful act by a nice person, it is harder to sustain it. Having said that, whatever you did caused some real damage. Your victim may be perseverating on how she is going to deal with that loss. That could take quite awhile, especially if she has to go through a grieving process over the loss. It is even possible that this breach of trust won’t allow a rebuilding of the relationship. In spite of the truth that you intended no harm, you do need to accept that possibility.

**Then what you need to do is to be as good as your word, take the silent treatment as something the victim of your offense deserves to be given as a way to get beyond the hurt without saying something he or she does not want to say, and ride it out. Leave your victim alone, don’t act like you’re being martyred, but cooperate with the silence as what your victim needs in order to heal. The main thing is to make this about your victim and how your victim is feeling, and not about you and how you are feeling. If you lose this friendship, that is a real loss, you do need to deal with the loss, but you’ll need to deal with that with someone else. Don’t put it on your victim to help you get over this.
**
By the way, if this was taken as a major betrayal of trust, it may be a very long time before you are trusted again. Accept that as the victim’s prerogative. Don’t beat yourself up about what you did, but do not feel sorry for yourself, either, if you can help it. Even mistakes that aren’t meant to do harm have consequences. It cannot be helped.

Does that sound like something you can do?

Yes. Thanks for this. I am trying my best to give the time and space that is needed because I realize that this has hurt him. I think I am mostly just struggling with the “unknown”…I don’t know whats going to come of all this and that is scary and sad to me.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes. Thanks for this. I am trying my best to give the time and space that is needed because I realize that this has hurt him. I think I am mostly just struggling with the “unknown”…I don’t know whats going to come of all this and that is scary and sad to me.

I have been there. It is very hard. The feeling of helplessness and isolation can be overwhelming. That can make the silent treatment very painful. I’d say trying to convince yourself to interpret the silence as necessary healing that you can help by allowing it is a good idea. If you try to rush the person out of it, you may give the impression that your main objective is to stop the hurt you are feeling, rather than the hurt your victim is feeling. Do find someone discrete you can talk to, though. It does hurt to hurt someone. Your hurt is real, even if your victim’s hurt is unquestionably greater than yours.

 

[Bri125]

I have been there. It is very hard. The feeling of helplessness and isolation can be overwhelming. That can make the silent treatment very painful. I’d say trying to convince yourself to interpret the silence as necessary healing that you can help by allowing it is a good idea. If you try to rush the person out of it, you may give the impression that your main objective is to stop the hurt you are feeling, rather than the hurt your victim is feeling. Do find someone discrete you can talk to, though. It does hurt to hurt someone. Your hurt is real, even if your victim’s hurt is unquestionably greater than yours.

Very true. I’m currently battling not being angry at him for ignoring me. There’s that selfish part of my that I’m trying to stifle that’s saying, how can he just not talk to me? How can think after all these years that I’d really WANT to hurt him? How can he feel no compassion for my apology? Doesn’t he know me better than that? But I feel bad for event thinking that way, I know it is irrational and is just me justifying MY pain in the situation, when I really need to give him time to process and heal from his pain before I can do the same for mine.

 

[oldrover]

It’s not necessarily that he won’t forgive you. It’s that he hasn’t forgiven you YET. Some things take time. Don’t push it. Don’t try to talk to him. Give him space. JMHO… but I am a guy… I know my kind. And my kind doesn’t work these things out by more talking.

(oops didn’t see your previous post… good… just control your impulse to reach out…)

 

[Bri125]

It’s not necessarily that he won’t forgive you. It’s that he hasn’t forgiven you YET. Some things take time. Don’t push it. Don’t try to talk to him. Give him space. JMHO… but I am a guy… I know my kind. And my kind doesn’t work these things out by more talking.

(oops didn’t see your previous post… good… just control your impulse to reach out…)

Lol thanks…nice to hear a guys perspective. The girl talk struggle is SO REAL.

 

[Bri125]

But…how long do I wait for him to come around? Does there ever come a point where I should ask where he stands?

 

[ChurchSoldier]

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change,
The courage to change the one I can,
And the wisdom to know that one is me…

(An alternate version of the Serenity prayer)

 

[EasterJoy]

Very true. I’m currently battling not being angry at him for ignoring me. There’s that selfish part of my that I’m trying to stifle that’s saying, how can he just not talk to me? How can think after all these years that I’d really WANT to hurt him? How can he feel no compassion for my apology? Doesn’t he know me better than that? But I feel bad for event thinking that way, I know it is irrational and is just me justifying MY pain in the situation, when I really need to give him time to process and heal from his pain before I can do the same for mine.

Do not get me wrong. If you were telling me that you were giving someone else the silent treatment, even if they really messed up your life but claim they don’t mean it, I’d tell you that you owed the person some assurance you weren’t shunning them or making a show of withdrawal of love. I would not give you permission to return injury for injury. Christians don’t get that permission. We are commanded to love always, even our real enemies.

Having said that, hurt is not rational. It is emotional. If your dog got all wrapped up in barbed wire and bit you when you tried to get it off of him, you wouldn’t blame the dog, right? Well, sometimes even people react when they ideally would stop, think, and respond, instead, even when hurt.

It is not OK to give you the silent treatment, but it is something you can choose to see in a charitable way. That’s the goal here. Of course you feel hurt; that’s why I think you’d do well to debrief with an understanding and discrete soul who is far-removed from this situation.

*Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.*

 

[oldrover]

Look at the silent treatment as ‘he’s in his cave.’ He needs to be there awhile without you. Let him do that.

 

[Mary_Estelle]

Sometimes “the best intentions” are really intentions of malice. You may just have to accept the situation and live with it. Set it on the back burner for now and be patient. Words are powerful and words do hurt. Let it rest. Praying for you.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I’ve accidentally hurt someone I love. I acted with the best intentions and with this person’s best interest in mind, and in my honest heart of hearts I did NOT mean to hurt this person. However, my actions did cause hurt feelings and embarrassment. Have been receiving the silent treatment for five days now with no end in sight. I have acknowledged the pain I caused, apologized, offered explanations of my actions, assured person I meant NO harm. Still nothing. It is so painful to be sorry and to feel no resolution or forgiveness. The silent treatment is killing my heart! </3

Two things
1). It bothers me when people apologize to me and offer an explanation. It makes me more mad than if they just say I messed up, I have no excuse, I’m sorry. That goes miles with me.
2) you are making it about how hurt YOU are when obviously the other party is still hurt.
Don’t make this about you.

 

[EasterJoy]

Two things
1). It bothers me when people apologize to me and offer an explanation. It makes me more mad than if they just say I messed up, I have no excuse, I’m sorry. That goes miles with me.
2) you are making it about how hurt YOU are when obviously the other party is still hurt.
Don’t make this about you.

Someone taught me a useful rule:
If the reason comes first, then the regret, it can be an apology.
If the regret comes first, then the reason, it is an excuse.
(Come to think of it: I think it was a book by the marriage researcher, John Gottman.)

Excuse: I’m sorry I snapped at you. I had a long day and I’m tired.
Apology: I had a long day and I’m tired, but I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I’m sorry.

In other words, you can give a reason or provide an extenuating circumstance, since it might help the person to realize you aren’t always so prone to do this harm, but only if you make it clear that you don’t believe it the extenuating circumstance constitutes an excuse.

If you think the extenuating circumstance constitutes an excuse, you aren’t apologizing. You’re expressing regret that the person unfortunately suffered harm, but you’re not taking responsibility for it.

 

[EasterJoy]

Sometimes “the best intentions” are really intentions of malice. You may just have to accept the situation and live with it. Set it on the back burner for now and be patient. Words are powerful and words do hurt. Let it rest. Praying for you.

It doesn’t even have to be about malice. We owe the other people God made our love, but we don’t owe them a position of trust. If someone shows it is not reasonable to put them into some particular position of trust, it is no offense against them if we don’t trust them in that situation again. For instance, if someone disclosed something told to them in confidence, even if they felt forced to do so or did so with the best of intentions, it is not unloving nor unforgiving to stop telling them things that ought to be kept secret. They might feel hurt to have lost that intimate position, but they should not feel they’re being unjustly punished.

 

[kptrs]

Someone taught me a useful rule:
If the reason comes first, then the regret, it can be an apology.
If the regret comes first, then the reason, it is an excuse.
(Come to think of it: I think it was a book by the marriage researcher, John Gottman.)

Excuse: I’m sorry I snapped at you. I had a long day and I’m tired.
Apology: I had a long day and I’m tired, but I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I’m sorry.

In other words, you can give a reason or provide an extenuating circumstance, since it might help the person to realize you aren’t always so prone to do this harm, but only if you make it clear that you don’t believe it the extenuating circumstance constitutes an excuse.

If you think the extenuating circumstance constitutes an excuse, you aren’t apologizing. You’re expressing regret that the person unfortunately suffered harm, but you’re not taking responsibility for it.

Very good advice.

 

[Mary_Estelle]

It doesn’t even have to be about malice. We owe the other people God made our love, but we don’t owe them a position of trust. If someone shows it is not reasonable to put them into some particular position of trust, it is no offense against them if we don’t trust them in that situation again. For instance, if someone disclosed something told to them in confidence, even if they felt forced to do so or did so with the best of intentions, it is not unloving nor unforgiving to stop telling them things that ought to be kept secret. They might feel hurt to have lost that intimate position, but they should not feel they’re being unjustly punished.

I think that none of us know what was said, how it was said or the intentions or actions. Only knowing what the poster has written, it is very difficult to judge the incident or give qualitive advice from a distance. We only know one side of the situation and that is the poster’s side. It may have been life-long damaging and non-repairable. We just do not know which is why I said “let it rest.” Peace.