When spiritual directors let us down

[EvelynEVF]

My long-time spiritual director is a deeply faithful Catholic, who is obedient to Church teaching even when she doesn’t agree, and she is careful to keep her disagreements to herself. I was distressed to hear from her this week that dating during the annulment process is okay, because technically only remarriage during that time is forbidden by the Church. The kicker was that she said she thought that working through the process together could be a bonus for the new marriage.

FWIW, I’m in the annulment process and have no intention of dating even very casually without a decree of nullity in hand.

I know we can’t put our spiritual directors on pedestals, but I’m sad.

 

[Miriam1947]

My long-time spiritual director is a deeply faithful Catholic, who is obedient to Church teaching even when she doesn’t agree, and she is careful to keep her disagreements to herself. I was distressed to hear from her this week that dating during the annulment process is okay, because technically only remarriage during that time is forbidden by the Church. The kicker was that she said she thought that working through the process together could be a bonus for the new marriage.

FWIW, I’m in the annulment process and have no intention of dating even very casually without a decree of nullity in hand.

I know we can’t put our spiritual directors on pedestals, but I’m sad.

Ask your spiritual director what is the purpose of dating? It sounds as if she is assuming that your previous marriage will be annulled.

What if it isn’t? You are not free to explore a new marriage when in the eyes of the church you are still married. But you know that, perhaps you need to explain it to her. Because she doesn’t sound obedient to me.

 

[EvelynEVF]

Her idea of dating is for companionship and not necessarily discerning marriage. She does recognize that there is a serious slippery slope going on here, and that just telling people to be careful not to cross any lines may be wishful thinking. She did back up a little during our discussion.

Personally, I think the whole common scenario of divorced people only applying for decrees of nullity when they want to get remarried, has created a scandal where people don’t understand anymore that nullity is not a box to check before you can get remarried. I had that discussion with another friend, who knew she couldn’t remarry, but it never occurred to her that she couldn’t date, because she didn’t make the connection in her mind that she is still married.

My other spiritual director, who is as much a stickler as I am and unfailingly orthodox, says that while he wouldn’t tell anyone that they couldn’t even go out for dinner and a movie with someone, he would totally advise caution and would never suggest risking one’s heart in that way. He has also made it clear in previous discussions that taking the morally safe route in whatever decision is always a good thing and never looked down on as chickening out or refusing to face hard issues. I’m grateful to have him. Every once in a while I get in a total conundrum and need to turn whatever decision over to a wiser head than mine, and I can always trust that he will advise me with the mind of the Church.

They are both very good people and I have plenty of firsthand evidence of their deep love for Christ and His Church. It’s been a bit of a journey for me, to see how many people within the Church are deeply faithful in most ways and then have some “diversity” somewhere that isn’t orthodox. As an evangelical Protestant, if you didn’t agree with everything taught, you just went and found another church you could agree with. So these things popping up really throw me for a loop.

Thanks for listening

 

[Friar_David_O.Carm]

You have two spiritual directors?

 

[EvelynEVF]

Yes. It’s complicated but actually completely reasonable. I’m leaving out details for privacy.

 

[Frankr409]

Yes. It’s complicated but actually completely reasonable. I’m leaving out details for privacy.

You are right to disagree with her of course, and bless you for doing the right thing in your own life.

 

[Friar_David_O.Carm]

Yes. It’s complicated but actually completely reasonable. I’m leaving out details for privacy.

My understanding of spiritual direction, as a directee and learning much so that one day I may be a director is that you only have one spiritual director.

Do each of these directors know that you have two?

It is a very unusual case, actually unique in my experience, one that I can not understand and really could not give you any advice as to your situation as it is a very strange one.

For my case, where I know there may be disagreements with my spiritual director I just do not go into those areas with her.

I know for a fact in the past (that is a spiritual director I do not see any longer because of my changing locations) that I most likely had a different ecclesiology than my spiritual director did but I was not seeing him for that. I really only deal with my spiritual and prayer life with my spiritual director.

I would also add that your spiritual director most likely knows more about your personally and your case for an annulment than we can ever know on an anonymous internet forum, so if I did give any advice I would say to listen to your spiritual director unless they are advising you to sin out right.