When the abused becomes the abuser

[Still_Hoping]

I have posted here before about my relationship to my husband. We use to get into huge arguments that led to violence and abuse on many levels. Today I have an 18 year old who displays the same temperament as her father. As for myself, I became aggressive and defensive. I was a shy girl who for the most part never got angry. Since I met my husband I have fought for my sanity and survival. I am now despondent and full of bitterness. I have been passive aggressive with my husband despite his efforts to love me. I am continually criticized by my own children and disrespected by my eldest. I am angry and hurt. I know that she is suffering because of what she witnessed as a child and I wasn’t easy on her.

I hate myself for allowing the situation to have happened and for not having the courage to pack and leave with my children. I was afraid and desperate. I didn’t know where to go and I was ashamed that a smart girl like myself got into such a situation in the first place.

I don’t like who I have become. Every time I see my daughter’s anger manifested I think of my husband and his old ways.

I don’t know what to do. I think I need professional help. Please pray for me.

 

[Regina7]

I’ll certainly pray for you. I highly suggest you speak with your priest. I’ve seen therapists for many years, and I can say that the best advice I ever get comes from priests in the confessional or through spiritual direction.

God bless.

 

[LSK]

I have posted here before about my relationship to my husband. We use to get into huge arguments that led to violence and abuse on many levels. Today I have an 18 year old who displays the same temperament as her father. As for myself, I became aggressive and defensive. I was a shy girl who for the most part never got angry. Since I met my husband I have fought for my sanity and survival. I am now despondent and full of bitterness. I have been passive aggressive with my husband despite his efforts to love me. I am continually criticized by my own children and disrespected by my eldest. I am angry and hurt. I know that she is suffering because of what she witnessed as a child and I wasn’t easy on her.

I hate myself for allowing the situation to have happened and for not having the courage to pack and leave with my children. I was afraid and desperate. I didn’t know where to go and I was ashamed that a smart girl like myself got into such a situation in the first place.

I don’t like who I have become. Every time I see my daughter’s anger manifested I think of my husband and his old ways.

I don’t know what to do. I think I need professional help. Please pray for me.

Absolutely you need professional help and so does your daughter. Now,…go get it …you DESERVE it. You DESERVE to have a full and happy life and it is NOT too late so get to WORK.

 

[Viki63]

Dear Hoping,
Please find a wise priest and make an appointment to talk with him.
If I told you all the mistakes I’ve made with my first husband, and my children, we’d be here all day. I did the best I could, and so did you.
Your daughter is responsible for her own self control. But please get her some help as well.
Don’t let anyone disrespect you, You can just say, “you are being disrespectful, stop now,” and then leave the area. Don’t get into an argument or fight.
I have a son who can be disrespectful, has been since the age of 28 months when we adopted him. I have to nip it in the bud when it appears, so I know it’s hard.

Praying for you. Please get help, from a Catholic source if at all possible. Even a wise older woman can be a great help and support.

.

 

[Still_Hoping]

I will get some help. I can’t continue this way. I am getting to the point where I lash out and then I regret it and then it is too late. the damage is done. I feel shame and guilt. I confessed and spoke to a priest and another. My situation is delicate. The question is should I forsake what can be a good marriage for what I feel?

I am confused. The few priests that I spoke to tell me to respect the fact that my husband has changed and to go on. I have to pray for my girls. They are not psychologists and most don’t have the time.

 

[Catholic1954]

I will get some help. I can’t continue this way. I am getting to the point where I lash out and then I regret it and then it is too late. the damage is done. I feel shame and guilt. I confessed and spoke to a priest and another. My situation is delicate. The question is should I forsake what can be a good marriage for what I feel?

I am confused. The few priests that I spoke to tell me to respect the fact that my husband has changed and to go on. I have to pray for my girls. They are not psychologists and most don’t have the time.

You need a professional counselor to help you sort out all of these feelings and issues in your life and then you can start to heal and work on your marriage and relationship with your children. Your local Catholic Charities should be able to recommend someone.

 

[Still_Hoping]

You need a professional counselor to help you sort out all of these feelings and issues in your life and then you can start to heal and work on your marriage and relationship with your children. Your local Catholic Charities should be able to recommend someone.

Could it be I don’t want the marriage to work? There are times I love him and times I hate him. He denies everything he did to me even though he is ok with me now. I have my doubts. I can’t approach the subject without it becoming ugly no matter how or when I approach him. Even our daughter confronted him about it. He denied it flatly. I can’t stand it. Do I stand up to what he did to us and face the consequences or do I continue to lay low and hurt myself? That is what I feel. I ask God to help me forgive but I cannot forget.

 

[Still_Hoping]

Could it be I don’t want the marriage to work? There are times I love him and times I hate him. He denies everything he did to me even though he is ok with me now. I have my doubts. I can’t approach the subject without it becoming ugly no matter how or when I approach him. Even our daughter confronted him about it. He denied it flatly. I can’t stand it. Do I stand up to what he did to us and face the consequences or do I continue to lay low and hurt myself? That is what I feel. I ask God to help me forgive but I cannot forget.

Has anyone been in this situation. No priest can help. Is there anyone who understands what I am going through. I can’t do this any longer. I love my family and want to save it but I am my worst enemy. HELP!

 

[Still_Hoping]

I believe I got my answer. I read a thread here about a man’s turmoil in dealing with his wife’s infidelity. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. He stated that he lusted after his wife not recognizing her worth. I was treated as such and thought what little affection I could get from my husband is better than nothing. For my husband lust and passion in the bedroom is so important to him to feel connected to me. As for myself, I needed to share my faith, in which he clearly does not see eye to eye. I have prayed and prayed but I will take my own advice that I gave to the OP of that thread. I may have to leave the home to heal. My children are older (almost 18 and 16). I think I need to do this for myself and for us. I can’t be happy in a marriage that I have been lied to despite my husband’s attempts to make me happy. He doesn’t even know what makes me happy.

Thank you to those who took the time to pray for me and help. God bless you.