X
Xantippe
Guest
Yes.
- Status
Y
ynotzap
Guest
There are somethings only God can cure. This doesn’t mean that advice from good people doesn’t work, for God work’s through His insrurments. In any case He directs life’s events to bring us to a closer encounter with Him. Especially when we age.
Your wife shows an obsession with dirt. Her allergies are apparently real, but there is a normal reaction, and an abnormally reaction. and her’s seems abnormal Her life appears to be very self-centered, and that spells trouble for anyone, knowing human nature, for we all have faults. She leads a very reclusive life, no work, no social mixing, no friends, depression, no going out, apparently no change of environment. This are signs of an introverted life. This is not good mental hygiene. One can see how neuroticism sets in.
People by God’s design are made to be social. When we cut ourselves off we are going against our nature. We all need to have close good friends, love of neighbor. I don’t know your wife’s background maybe there is something there. I agree with other’s on many points.
You have to be wisely strong, and not give into her when it isn’t right. She appears mentally handicapped, and spiritually handicapped. They are interlinked. If a person is starving, feed him first, and then preach to him. So she needs some mental attention. She needs to come out of her self-imposed shell. She needs motivation. New distractions, and occupations would seem in order. What are her positive characteristics? Is she creative, what seems to give her pleasure, does she pray at all, what is her background, is she totally unresponsive to any suggestions? You need the peace that only God can give for your own spiritual and physical health, this is no small order, but it is possible and Jesus Christ can do it, have faith in Him first and above all. We are praying for you.
Your wife shows an obsession with dirt. Her allergies are apparently real, but there is a normal reaction, and an abnormally reaction. and her’s seems abnormal Her life appears to be very self-centered, and that spells trouble for anyone, knowing human nature, for we all have faults. She leads a very reclusive life, no work, no social mixing, no friends, depression, no going out, apparently no change of environment. This are signs of an introverted life. This is not good mental hygiene. One can see how neuroticism sets in.
People by God’s design are made to be social. When we cut ourselves off we are going against our nature. We all need to have close good friends, love of neighbor. I don’t know your wife’s background maybe there is something there. I agree with other’s on many points.
You have to be wisely strong, and not give into her when it isn’t right. She appears mentally handicapped, and spiritually handicapped. They are interlinked. If a person is starving, feed him first, and then preach to him. So she needs some mental attention. She needs to come out of her self-imposed shell. She needs motivation. New distractions, and occupations would seem in order. What are her positive characteristics? Is she creative, what seems to give her pleasure, does she pray at all, what is her background, is she totally unresponsive to any suggestions? You need the peace that only God can give for your own spiritual and physical health, this is no small order, but it is possible and Jesus Christ can do it, have faith in Him first and above all. We are praying for you.
J
jazzy0710
Guest
agreed
G
Groo
Guest
Well a hard headed woman,
A soft hearted man
Been the cause of trouble
Ever since the world began.
Oh yeah, ever since the world began
A hard headed woman been
A thorn in the side of man.
A soft hearted man
Been the cause of trouble
Ever since the world began.
Oh yeah, ever since the world began
A hard headed woman been
A thorn in the side of man.
E
Ethernet
Guest
This is a tough one, especially after 22 years. Do you travel at all with your job? maybe some time away would be helpful. Not running away, just some time apart.
X
Xantippe
Guest
Frankly, I don’t think the OP is in trouble because he’s soft-hearted. I think he’s maybe 25% soft-hearted and 75% scared of his wife.
G
Groo
Guest
Poor guy is terrified of his wife, but he doesn’t need to be.
X
Xantippe
Guest
Fear isn’t the same as soft-heartedness.
If I give a mugger my purse, it’s not because I’m soft-hearted.
G
Groo
Guest
Softhearted too. He says she is not a bad person, but she abuses him continuously. And he can list every one of her woes because he cares so much and wants her happiness.
I would bet anything that she did not start the marriage acting like this. She would test a boundary here and he would give. Then she would test another boundary and he would give again. After a while she realized he had no boundaries and discovered she could heap untold abuse on him and he wouldn’t do anything about it.
So the combination of his softheartedness and her hardheadedness is why they are in this situation.
Deep down, I think his wife wants him to set some boundaries - to tell her “no.”. I think women feel insecure when their men won’t stand up for themselves. If he can’t stand up for himself, how will he be able to stand and protect her?
I would bet anything that she did not start the marriage acting like this. She would test a boundary here and he would give. Then she would test another boundary and he would give again. After a while she realized he had no boundaries and discovered she could heap untold abuse on him and he wouldn’t do anything about it.
So the combination of his softheartedness and her hardheadedness is why they are in this situation.
Deep down, I think his wife wants him to set some boundaries - to tell her “no.”. I think women feel insecure when their men won’t stand up for themselves. If he can’t stand up for himself, how will he be able to stand and protect her?
T
thankulord
Guest
Henpecked! Any improvement in your complex situation?
I read up on the information about surviving mold that you had mentioned. There was a psychiatrist who wrote an article on that site mentioning that people who had mold exposure like your wife had been diagnosed with, sometimes developed mental problems. She used a term; anti-depressant resistant. It seemed that your wife implied that anti-depressants were useless for her. Since there is a protocol for overcoming this diagnoses, it appears there is good news. Also more and more doctors are being trained in this protocol around the US.
God bless.
I read up on the information about surviving mold that you had mentioned. There was a psychiatrist who wrote an article on that site mentioning that people who had mold exposure like your wife had been diagnosed with, sometimes developed mental problems. She used a term; anti-depressant resistant. It seemed that your wife implied that anti-depressants were useless for her. Since there is a protocol for overcoming this diagnoses, it appears there is good news. Also more and more doctors are being trained in this protocol around the US.
God bless.
H
Hope414
Guest
Henpecked,
I’m going to respond differently because I think the comments about your wife are very judgmental. Your determination to paint such an extremely unflattering picture of your wife leads me to believe you are more concerned with blame than resolution.
You are a grown and accomplishment man yet you play victim like a helpless child. I have no doubt your wife rages. Based on my calculations she should be in menopause. Severe mood swings are not uncommon.
But, I take issue with how you might be “feeding the monster” so to speak. Have you paid attention to the things you have written?
*“I hadn’t found the nice Catholic girl my mother wished I had married when I was young.”
*
Do you believe you “settled” for your wife? Does this mean your family has treated your wife of 22 years as the woman you “settled” for? If my spouse of 22 years treated me as someone he "settled for I think it would make me angry. After 22 years of marriage–I deserve respect from my husband and from my husbands family.
*“Intimacy in the marriage went the way of the dinosaur a long time ago.”
*
Why did intimacy go the way of the dinosaur a long time ago? Studies have shown a woman’s need for romance does not end with the marriage vows. If fact, it increases. Studies show women need to be reassured their spouse would “choose” them all over again if they had to make the choice. Is it a mystery why the women you “settled” for 22 years ago and reject intimacy with, has anger issues?
*“We’ve talked about divorce. One practical conclusion - we can’t afford it”
*
Wow. Wow. And…wow.
The correct response in a Catholic marriage is: Divorce is never an option.
There is no other response. Everyone–from your priest, to your friends, to every person on this forum–should have said this. It is sad that I am the only one who has.
You said your wife thinks being Catholic means you should be like Jesus, especially when it comes to her. Your duty in life - according to her - is to take care of her. And you think it’s her perversion of the marriage vow - especially a sacramental Catholic marriage vow.
Sorry Henpecked—but she is right. If you don’t like it, take it up with God.
You ask:
*“How do I deal with a wife screaming in my face without sinning? I am not very good at it.”
*
Quite the contrary–You are quite good at it because you are sinning. You are on a blog site saying terrible things about your wife. I think that is gossiping. Whoops! That wasn’t the “loving” answer you were expecting is it?
But it is the truth. You want to say terrible things about your wife. My goodness you are practically giddy about it. You even say, “Future posts - I’ll share what’s involved in keeping up her bed chamber. And cooking.”
This is gossiping.
What you should be asking is, “Help me learn how to deescalate the situation.” “Teach me how to comfort her so she doesn’t get to the raging stage.”
But maybe the most important might be:
How did your marriage get here? What has she been telling you that you have not heard? I have only read a few posts from you and I can see the judgement you have toward your wife. What type of life has she lived for 22 years?
I am sure you believe you are a good man. And I believe you are. But “good” people sometimes have a tendency to judge people who exhibit “bad” behavior. And for those of us who are flawed…it becomes exhausting to live with “good” people.
Is it possible this has been you for 22 years since you didn’t find the nice Catholic girl your mother wished you had married?
I’m going to respond differently because I think the comments about your wife are very judgmental. Your determination to paint such an extremely unflattering picture of your wife leads me to believe you are more concerned with blame than resolution.
You are a grown and accomplishment man yet you play victim like a helpless child. I have no doubt your wife rages. Based on my calculations she should be in menopause. Severe mood swings are not uncommon.
But, I take issue with how you might be “feeding the monster” so to speak. Have you paid attention to the things you have written?
*“I hadn’t found the nice Catholic girl my mother wished I had married when I was young.”
*
Do you believe you “settled” for your wife? Does this mean your family has treated your wife of 22 years as the woman you “settled” for? If my spouse of 22 years treated me as someone he "settled for I think it would make me angry. After 22 years of marriage–I deserve respect from my husband and from my husbands family.
*“Intimacy in the marriage went the way of the dinosaur a long time ago.”
*
Why did intimacy go the way of the dinosaur a long time ago? Studies have shown a woman’s need for romance does not end with the marriage vows. If fact, it increases. Studies show women need to be reassured their spouse would “choose” them all over again if they had to make the choice. Is it a mystery why the women you “settled” for 22 years ago and reject intimacy with, has anger issues?
*“We’ve talked about divorce. One practical conclusion - we can’t afford it”
*
Wow. Wow. And…wow.
The correct response in a Catholic marriage is: Divorce is never an option.
There is no other response. Everyone–from your priest, to your friends, to every person on this forum–should have said this. It is sad that I am the only one who has.
You said your wife thinks being Catholic means you should be like Jesus, especially when it comes to her. Your duty in life - according to her - is to take care of her. And you think it’s her perversion of the marriage vow - especially a sacramental Catholic marriage vow.
Sorry Henpecked—but she is right. If you don’t like it, take it up with God.
You ask:
*“How do I deal with a wife screaming in my face without sinning? I am not very good at it.”
*
Quite the contrary–You are quite good at it because you are sinning. You are on a blog site saying terrible things about your wife. I think that is gossiping. Whoops! That wasn’t the “loving” answer you were expecting is it?
But it is the truth. You want to say terrible things about your wife. My goodness you are practically giddy about it. You even say, “Future posts - I’ll share what’s involved in keeping up her bed chamber. And cooking.”
This is gossiping.
What you should be asking is, “Help me learn how to deescalate the situation.” “Teach me how to comfort her so she doesn’t get to the raging stage.”
But maybe the most important might be:
How did your marriage get here? What has she been telling you that you have not heard? I have only read a few posts from you and I can see the judgement you have toward your wife. What type of life has she lived for 22 years?
I am sure you believe you are a good man. And I believe you are. But “good” people sometimes have a tendency to judge people who exhibit “bad” behavior. And for those of us who are flawed…it becomes exhausting to live with “good” people.
Is it possible this has been you for 22 years since you didn’t find the nice Catholic girl your mother wished you had married?
E
Evania
Guest
I think this is a very judgmental post. Who are you to say that a perfect stranger is sinning when he’s reaching out to other Christians for help? You assume he is gossiping and automatically call him a sinner? I didn’t think he came across as “giddy to gossip” at all. I think he needs help and came here for advice. I’m a little offended that you chastised those of us who responded to the OP as you simultaneously patted yourself on the back for not mentioning to him that divorce isn’t an option. Which one of us mentioned that the OP should do this? Not one of us has suggested that this man divorce his wife. In fact, everyone has given quite helpful suggestions. Bits and pieces of your advice is actually quite helpful, but I’m afraid it got lost in your speculation and judgments on what you feel is actually going on.
For example: This man feels verbally abused and listed a few examples. He wants advice on how to respond to his wife without sinning. He said that his wife manipulates him into feeling like he should accept this behavior because it’s part of “taking care of her”. Your advice to him is that she is right and if he has a problem with this abuse than he should take it up with God???
Wow, wow and wow!
You said:
- Status