When the husband loses attractions towards the wife

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AirForceMama

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My husband is not the type who would ever admit that he is not attracted to me. I’ve had 5 kids in 5 years, and I don’t look the same as I did when I was first married. My husband recently lost a lot of weight, and since then, has been very removed from the family. He’s been working many hours at work lately, and started back to school (which accounts for 1 night a week-going to 2 nights a week later this month). When he does come home, he goes straight to his computer, will tuck the kids in IF he’s home before they are in bed, and then he’s off to bed himself. He doesn’t tell me when he goes to bed, just disappears into the bedroom. Even on weekends his schedule keeps him busy with work, although he does get to work from home. But since he has 0 multi-tasking skills, it’s all work and nothing else.

No amount of talking to him will make him slow down at work. It’s almost as if he would rather be there than at home. He leaves for work at 3:30am every morning so he can work out, and doesn’t get home until way after dark. He stopped going to Mass with us for a few weeks (you know, had a cold every Sunday morning but was fine to go to work on Monday?), but finally went last week. He even stopped watching House with me, which we both were completely hooked on.

I can’t help but think that if I looked different that he would want to be home more. I honestly cannot remember the last time that he came to me for a hug, kiss, or said I love you without me saying it first. Don’t normal husbands do these things at least occationally? He’s read the “Five Love Languages” book. His language is Acts of Service. The house is clean, his clothes are washed, his car is clean, I pick him up everything I think he would want from the store… I’m lost.

We do have 5 kids under 5, but I don’t ask a lot from him. I just hate feeling like a troll. I’ve changed my hair, which he hasn’t even noticed. How do I know if this change in him is because of me, or is something else going on??? Like I said, if I ask him, he will just tell me I look fine, blah blah blah.
 
He’s the one with the problem here, not you. It sounds to me like he is going out of his way to find reasons not to honor his family commitments. Something is definitely going on. What, I can’t say, of course, but I’d make it my business to find out if I were you.
 
I would recommend a marriage encounter weekend as soon as possible. There is a term they used called “married-single” which means you’re married but you live as if you were single. I don’t exactly what is going on with your hubby but I’d bet marriage encounter would help tremendously in finding out. Please don’t blame this on your looks. I don’t know how long you’ve been married but I’ve noticed around 7-8 year mark husbands tend to get into a funk of some kind. I wouldn’t just let it go though. See if you can plan a marriage encounter weekend.
 
Maybe he’s so wrapped up in trying to “provide for the family”, he’s forgotten the essence of family.

Is he working harder to try and get a promotion so he can get a pay increase?

Even working out can be for “the family”, if he want to make sure he is in good shape so nothing happens to him physically.

If he is being deployed soon, he might just be REALLY worried, what if something happens to him, he will be leaveing 5 small kids… That’s a lot of pressure, to be the “man of the house”, and at the same time, not exactly be in control of his own destiny…

If he is “service oriented”, he may think he is loving you by doing these things. (My dh is the same way).

The “love languages” don’t always translate into *“Now that I understand how YOU like to be loved, and I am doing those things to let you know I love you, YOU must recognize how I need to be loved, and love me in those ways.”

*You might just need to set him down and present your list (small) of things he can do to help YOU feel loved (be non-threatening!!!) And in the mean time, look for ways he is showing you his love, in his own way. Make sure you affirm him at the same time, by thanking him for all the things he IS doing to support you and the family.🙂
 
Read “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Also “The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage”, same author.
 
AirForceMama said:
My husband is not the type who would ever admit that he is not attracted to me. I’ve had 5 kids in 5 years, and I don’t look the same as I did when I was first married. My husband recently lost a lot of weight, and since then, has been very removed from the family. He’s been working many hours at work lately, and started back to school (which accounts for 1 night a week-going to 2 nights a week later this month). When he does come home, he goes straight to his computer, will tuck the kids in IF he’s home before they are in bed, and then he’s off to bed himself. He doesn’t tell me when he goes to bed, just disappears into the bedroom. Even on weekends his schedule keeps him busy with work, although he does get to work from home. But since he has 0 multi-tasking skills, it’s all work and nothing else.

No amount of talking to him will make him slow down at work. It’s almost as if he would rather be there than at home. He leaves for work at 3:30am every morning so he can work out, and doesn’t get home until way after dark. He stopped going to Mass with us for a few weeks (you know, had a cold every Sunday morning but was fine to go to work on Monday?), but finally went last week. He even stopped watching House with me, which we both were completely hooked on.

I can’t help but think that if I looked different that he would want to be home more. I honestly cannot remember the last time that he came to me for a hug, kiss, or said I love you without me saying it first. Don’t normal husbands do these things at least occationally? He’s read the “Five Love Languages” book. His language is Acts of Service. The house is clean, his clothes are washed, his car is clean, I pick him up everything I think he would want from the store… I’m lost.

We do have 5 kids under 5, but I don’t ask a lot from him. I just hate feeling like a troll. I’ve changed my hair, which he hasn’t even noticed. How do I know if this change in him is because of me, or is something else going on??? Like I said, if I ask him, he will just tell me I look fine, blah blah blah.
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I think you two need to sit down and have a long talk. Hire a babysitter or get extended family to help out, and get out together alone. All these little things ( losing weight, avoiding intimacy with you, spending long hours away from the family…) are adding up to big things. You two need to re-connect. If he won’t talk, it’s time for counselling.
 
I would get a private investigator involved. Someone like Magnum. haha
Seriously, If my paps were doing something like that on mom, I would suspect something. The strangest part is the getting up at 3:30am to work out. Then again, I never was a moring person! Who is he working out for?
 
I agree to a certian extent about Dr. Laura’s books (overall, she’s a breath of fresh air to the psychology community). However, keep in mind that she does not take into account the sacramental nature of intercourse in her writing (understandably, since she is Jewish). But she still has some very good advice (I realized a few things about myself that I would have never considered otherwise).

Don’t be too quick to simply blame your appearance (if it were the true problem, he should talk to you about it…and as a FATHER of five, be understanding and supportive of a change). I would agree about the talk and then if not counseling, as he seems to have other issues.

My prayers are with you! GOd bless,
Kate
 
You need to talk with him and find out “what’s up?”

Generally speaking, a man has an active libido. Visual stimulation can arouse him but it isn’t required. I’m sure blind men have just as strong a libido as all the rest of us.

Things can happen that cause a man to lose interest in his wife. Stress and depression, or even excessive weight loss. I know that if a man’s body fat gets too low, his thoughts suddenly shift to food. In the U.S. this phenomina is rare because you have to be really lean.

Sometimes a guy can go impotent. Again stress, but there’s other maladies I suppose.

Antidepressant medications can reduce libido.

And there’s the possibility of an affair.
 
originally posted by Ailina
losing weight, avoiding intimacy with you, spending long hours away from the family…
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Get help NOW!!
I ignored these same signs till he walked out the door.
You have 5 children that need both of you.
 
cheddarsox said:
Maybe he’s afraid of having six kids in six years.
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Well, that wasn’t very helpful advice. There are ways of showing affection that don’t involve sex. Avoiding the family is not the way to be a good father and husband. I can only imagine both spouses are overwhelmed by the tasks involved in raising five kids so close in age.
 
Ailina said:
Well, that wasn’t very helpful advice. There are ways of showing affection that don’t involve sex. Avoiding the family is not the way to be a good father and husband. I can only imagine both spouses are overwhelmed by the tasks involved in raising five kids so close in age.
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It wasn’t “advice” at all, just a possibility.

I was not justifying or supporting husbands behavior, just pointing out that might be part of the issue. Apparently whatever patterns of behavior and communication this couple has established has led them to where they are.

It is a very common reaction when one is overwhelmed by life, and afraid of perpetuating “more” of what is overwhelming them, to retreat.

All of us can think of things that we have stepped back from in times of stress, etc. There are seasons in marriages as well. Times when the couple is the focus, times when children are the focus, times when finances are the focus, etc. It is hard, and often scary.

Sometimes we have to step back and say …what is really going on here, in myself, in my spouse, in the marriage. Sometimes it is reduced to just going through the motions, as hard as that is.

My husband went through a really tough time when I became pregnant with number two. He felt like he was being drowned in responsibilities. He wanted desperately to finish his schooling, but couldn’t see how he could provide for the family and meet his goals for all our futures.

Sometimes when we feel part of our lives have gotten out of control, we get very obsessive about controlling what parts we can. We become workaholics, clean freaks, work out freaks, dieters, super hobbyists, etc.

Between child two and three, I lost it. I became super mom to my own kids and all the kids in the apt complex. I dieted compulsively, rigidly. My husband took a back seat. “Don’t worry honey…I’ll handle it!” was my motto. And then I broke down, my brittle image shattered. The control I had mastered over parts of my life didn’t save me from the insecurities in the parts that I felt were out of control.

I had to change my life significantly, and my ways of dealing with things. Our marriage had to change too. It was another coming of age for me, for both of us.

This has happened a few more times in our marriage, and I suspect it will happen again. These times are hard and uncertain, but neccessary. We change, the demands of life change, and there are growing pains involved.

Unless we want the same patterns to continue, we must go through these periods of growing pains.

Sometimes it is very easy to see how our spouse is changing, but we fail to see how our own patterns of behavior have altered, and what those behaviors may be communicating to our spouse.

I know there were many times when the kids were little that I groused about hubby not helping, but inside I felt proud that I was so good with the kids and he so inept. Inside I felt like “just get out of the way and let me handle this” I resented him coming home and having something to say about how things went at home, that was MY turf. I wanted him to help with the grunge, while I was superparent,the one the kids loved best, and shined for. I could not have articulated this at the time, but my identity had become so wrapped up inthe kids, that I felt threatened when they responded too much to him. I am sure that I communicated this to him, and them, and those around us in a myriad of small ways.

I wanted help with the kids and the house, but at the same time was threatened by him helping, because that was MY identity. For awhile, there was nothing he could do that way right, if he didn’t help…I was angry that I had to do it all, if he did…I either didn’t 'like how he did things, or I had to prove I could do it better.

Growing pains.
 
in respond to title of the thread
that is an excuse, not a reason, used by men who have always viewed their wives primarily as sex objects, and who have no compunction about seeking other outlets–porn, internet, “entertainment” or other women as sex objects when the wife can no longer deliver to their satisfaction. A man who fits that description needs counselling, he probably won’t get it, so the best thing the wife in such a scenario can do is take care of her own physical, mental and spiritual health and well-being, get counselling and spiritual direction as needed, and work on her own vocation as wife and mother. If she can get him to retrouville or marriage encounter it will by a life changer, but as to how to get him there I can’t say.

I will observe however what no one seems to tell young people nowdays. There is a natural diminishment in the sex urge over time, due to hormones and other factors. the 30s are not like the 20s. For many men work and career become more important (sometimes too important) and drain that energy that in the 20s was directed at sex any time any where. For such men the solution is not necessarily rooted in the marriage, although that is affected, but in their personal sense of worth and in setting priorities and managing their career properly in reference to their spirituality. It is more of an individual spiritual crisis, although most men never hear that truth.
 
Thank you everyone.

The reason he leaves at 3:30 is because we live an hour away from his office. He has a gym at his office and works out and showers there. I know he’s AT the office when he works late because he still answers his office phone when I call. I don’t suspect an affair, but I’m not blind that the thought of the “grass is greener” isn’t going through his mind.

Also, there will be no #6. Unless God wants to defy science, we are done at 5. My husband would be thrilled to have more (though he’d never admit it). I’d be the one to go off my rocker! Though I don’t see where ignoring your family and ignoring sex have much of a connection.

This weekend I’ve asked him to help me put up the kid’s wooden swingset thingy. I’m hoping he’ll come off his laptop long enough to do that. If not, then a talk will definitely be happening tonight. Ignoring me is one thing, but ignoring the kids is another.

Thanks again.
 
a lot of times the wife assumes the fault is hers when in reality what is going on with the husband is not about her at all, but about a host of other things–job stress, conflict with boss or others at work, fear of losing job, competition etc., financial struggles, worries about health concerns (heaven forbid he would actually go to a doctor), realizing he is not buff himself anymore, all kinds of things.

Anyone, man or woman, just coming home from work especially after a long commute does need time to decompress and the computer or TV or food and beer is usually used for that purpose. Of course working moms don’t get that down time (unless blessed as I was in those years with an understanding husband).

Can you help him work on a detox plan for after work, which includes a plan for more family time?

Oddly enough what helps such a crisis immensely is a good stewardship program, which is a spirituality aimed at placing work, money, possessions etc. in proper relationship with God and family. catholicexchange.com has a link to such a program, there are many other good ones.
 
There’s a million things that can cause “behavioral changes”.

Bad performance review or a new boss who is hypercritical.

If he’s in the military, sometimes things go wrong 5000 miles away and a man may feel that something he did (negatively) contributed to it in some way. [For years, I blamed myself for the deaths of a bunch of people … turned out the plane they were on had an unknown design defect … if it was loaded improperly, the plane would become unstable and go out of control … and in this case it was overloaded just enough. Had nothing to do with me in any way. But I was one of the last people to be near the plane. ]

99% of military “work” involves stuff with high security clearances. The issue of looking over your shoulder all the time can get to you. * [go figure.] [When I was in college, I remember my friends from high school saying the FBI had been by their houses working on my security clearance. Freaky stuff.]
There is an expression in the military that if you don’t like your boss, don’t worry, in a year either he will be gone or you will be gone. People relocate all the time. The “problem” is that if you like your boss, the same thing applies.

One of Dr. Laura’s comments besides asking husband if he wants to snuggle is that men want to be needed. They want to be able to do stuff. To fix things. If they are not needed, they may go to a place where they are needed.

Some men worry about money; debt; credit card payments.

A story, short version: young man and woman on a first date. Enjoyable time. Driving home, the woman notices the man suddenly frowns; attitude changes. He drops her off; turns down an invitation to come inside. She gets upset and spends two frantic weeks on the phone with her girlfriends analyzing what could have gone wrong.

Man gets on phone with a friend … while driving home, he noticed that on the odometer of his car, … he had exceeded the mileage of his between oil change interval requirement and he was worried that he may have violated the car warrantee.

Men and women respond differently to different things.**
 
Thanks. He’s not military anymore. I just haven’t changed my screenname back,
 
Of course none of us can give perfect advice since all we know is what you have typed in this thread and also limited by what you know. There can be more things as part of this situation that is making both you and your husband uncomfortable.

I am going to try and say something different not because I want to make you feel bad but because I don’t like to misrepresent truth.

The problem is not just him or you, but probably both of you. You both have to do something or else suffer.

Appearance does matter, if you never showered, changed your clothes and just let yourself go, everyone would agree with me. Now this doesn’t mean you need to look like a supermodel but you should maintain your body, it is the temple of the Holy Spirit. We should respect our bodies to keep up our appearance.

Now this doesn’t mean that that is the cause of the problem but it can be contributing. Also what can be contributing can be the amount of time alone you spend together. Do you guys spend quality, intimate time together?

How do you show love for one another? Maybe he thinks he is showing love by working so much. Many men will mistakenly think that by providing for the family they are doing their part.

There is my two cents for all it is worth…

God Bless
Scylla
 
When you said that you think it is because of the way you look, what exactly are you speaking of? Gaining five or ten lbs? or Gaining 50-100lbs? or just wearing sweats everyday?
 
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