When the only sound you hear is a lie

[Miles_Militis]

I don’t know why I’m posting this. I guess I’m hoping to get some kind of an answer, but for all the questions of this type I have never gotten an answer. At least not one worth deliberating on.

I’m at a bit of a crossroads in my faith. Up to this point in my faith life, I’ve struggled to get myself ‘on the right path’. But I’ve forgotten where it is.

My spiritual life has been so filled with ‘Don’t act like this. Don’t talk like this. Don’t think like this.’ that I don’t know what to do or think about anymore. I have yet to find a single thing that I can do, that I want to do, and that will give me some sense of fulfillment or satisfaction.

Is it wrong of me to want to enjoy this life? To want to find happiness and fulfillment? If so, to be honest I’m not as sure as I used to be that I really want to be right. I know I’m treading on some dangerous ground here…and I know satan is the one pushing me toward this line of thought. But satan always mixes his lies with a grain of truth, and that truth strikes closer to my heart then anything.

All my life I’ve been told what not to do. But just what am I to do!?

“Even nice people go to hell”, that’s something I heard in a homily a few weeks ago and even a few years back at a youth conference. It is by faith AND works that we are to be saved. What works? I have been told that each person is given a desire, a vocation to something. When you find your vocation (married life, priesthood ect.) then in the fulfilling of that vocation you find fulfillment and joy at the service of Christ.

Well, I’m completely lost. My heart is filled with nothing but frustration. I was in a pretty dark place a few weeks back, and I guess I should thank God I don’t have friends who do drugs…or else I would be dealing with an addiction right now.

I know exactly what I’m saying. and trust me when I say that it is all the more a heartache for the insane to recognize his insanity, then for the insane to be ignorant or their condition. I know I’m playing with fire, and to be honest it breaks my heart that I am even thinking in this way. But I am.

A year ago, it was unfathomable to me how some people could so accept satan’s lies. But now I know. When you look around, desperate for fulfillment, and find none. Then the only voice you hear, even if it be in lie, becomes as if your only option. ‘Perhaps’ whispers satan, ‘if I can not find lasting joy, I can settle for passing pleasure.’

I hate that I feel the way I do, thus far I have not really let it pull me into anything…even though I have begun to slip in some areas. Right now I follow along as I was raised to, but with my head lowered and without hope.

I don’t know where I am or where I’m going…I feel like I’m carrying an empty box, that I know it used to be full…but I’ve forgotten what with, and I don’t know where or how to find it again. I’m carrying it hoping I’ll remember…but doubting I will.

…the way I look at it, I’m screwed until something happens to snap me out of this.

 

[puzzleannie]

it is a lot easier than you think, it is there black and white in the Gospels. repent, be baptized in water and the Holy Spirit, turn away from sin (not pleasure, unless sinful pleasure, from sin), seek intimate union with Christ in the Eucharist, and love Him, and if you love Him, you will keep his commands. the prescription for how to live is in Matthew 5-6-7, the Sermon on the Mount, but summarized in the beatitudes. How you will be judged when you die is summarized in the judgement of the nations, Matt 25:31-45.

stop searching, stop agonizing, stop obsessing. start serving. you are here to serve. find someone to serve, serve every day. this is the reason you were born.

if you are hearing “I am a good person, so I will go to heaven, and I can do anything that gives me jollies in the meantime and ignore the rest of the world” you are hearing a lie

if you are hearing “God wants me to be fullfilled” you are hearing a lie. God wants you to be faithful, If you need fulfilling, He will fulfill you, all you have to do is be faithful and serve.

if you are hearing “I need more rosaries, more retreats, more bible studies, more prayer, and this will make me holy, and it is all about me and my 'spiritual journey” and to hell with the poor" you are hearing a lie. even those devoted to contemplative prayer in the most restricted religious communies work and serve for most of their waking hours.

if you are hearing “spirituality is about warm fuzzy feelings and God patting me on the head” you are hearing a lie. spirituality is about serving, because Christ came to serve and he called us to serve.

 

[Belle10]

:hug1: Miles, welcome! :hug1:

Good for you for not listening to Satan’s lies. Of course you can enjoy life, and you’ll enjoy it to the fullest if Jesus is in it with you!

You said:

My spiritual life has been so filled with ‘Don’t act like this. Don’t talk like this. Don’t think like this.’

Jesus came to set us free! He doesn’t want you sitting with a checklist each day of things you shouldn’t be doing and marking where you’ve erred – He wants you to raise your head up, LOOK AT HIM, and follow. That’s what we are called to do. Don’t focus on what we shouldn’t act like, what we shouldn’t do; instead, focus on what you SHOULD DO, which is act like, talk like, be like Jesus. (of course, we all fall short, but when we fall, we get up and look at Him and try again.)

It is by faith AND works that we are to be saved. What works? I have been told that each person is given a desire, a vocation to something. When you find your vocation (married life, priesthood ect.) then in the fulfilling of that vocation you find fulfillment and joy at the service of Christ.

Your works could be praying for someone in need, donating a can of food, going to another country to share the Gospel. It varies for each of us. For me, I can’t become a missionary to another country (not my calling) but I CAN be a missionary to those in my own life (family, friends, coworkers). If you need help discerning your vocation, maybe you could talk with a priest or family member (or both) to help you and pray for you.

‘Perhaps’ whispers satan, ‘if I can not find lasting joy, I can settle for passing pleasure.’

Don’t believe this lie. You CAN find lasting joy in Jesus. He’ll lead you to lasting joy in this earthly life and in eternal life. Passing pleasure is just that – and it will only lead to despair. It’s not going to fill the need for love that you are yearning for – go to Jesus, the source of love and life.
"Jesus replied, ‘I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.’ " --John 6:35

Right now I follow along as I was raised to, but with my head lowered and without hope.
I don’t know where I am or where I’m going…I feel like I’m carrying an empty box, that I know it used to be full…but I’ve forgotten what with, and I don’t know where or how to find it again. I’m carrying it hoping I’ll remember…but doubting I will.

Remember, you are a child of God - He loves you! Raise your head and ask God for forgiveness. If you’re Catholic, go to confession - Jesus is there waiting for you, waiting to shower you with grace and love. If you’re not Catholic, maybe look into RCIA - it sounds like you’re searching for the truth, and the Catholic Church has it and wants to share it!

Go to Jesus: He’ll fill your empty box, your thirsty soul, your aching heart. I’ll pray for you right now. Private message me if you’d like. God bless. :hug1:

 

[St_Gabriel]

You sound like you are in a rut (a place where many of us have been). My advice is simple: Ask yourself, what can I do for God today? Then pray about it.

St. Paul speaks about “faith working through love”. Read Galations chpter 5 and meditate on the words to understand the purpose of works.

 

[jmcrae]

The greatest happiness is to be of service to others.

 

[iamrefreshed]

The greatest happiness is to be of service to others.

Thanksgiving is around the corner. Why not volunteer to serve dinner at a shelter or deliver the meal to a shut-in?

As everyone has heard…every great journey begins with one small step.

 

[ABiii]

Hi,

In some ways I found myself similar to the context you are in.
My father also felt the same way at times.

Basically, the statement is that we seek to be holy, but in a sense we are sort of wretched.
Kind of like a broken radio that can’t seem to get clear signals, so you take the best available
channel even if you don’t like the program.

I deal with personal addictions too, and strive with the Lord’s help to overcome them, one day at a time.

There are 2 things that I can share, but for now I will only share one:

“Unless our heart is not molded to God’s heart, we can’t enjoy his will.”

Let me explain:

Before I became religious/spiritual, I was against this no sex before marriage principle, or even any type
of restriction concerning sexual activity.

I also had an addiction to pornography, perhaps not as bad as it sounds, but nonetheless, it is an addiction.

At one point in my life, I decided to save it for marriage, (or redeem what I had left of it), and to change
my ways completely (repentance/metanoia).

But it was hard. I went cold turkey for weeks, and struggled every day to fight temptation.

One day, while attending mass in California, they played a song that said something like: “Take my heart and transform it, Take my mind and conform it, to yours, to yours Oh Lord.”

And then God explained it to me:

He said that the reason why I was so miserable fighting against my addiction is because my heart was not molded to his heart.

My heart was half his, and half still clung on to what I was addicted to.

If I had put all of my joy and hope and trust and happiness in the Lord, there is nothing for me to look back to, nor will I be attracted to the things that I am supposed to lose.

It was the fact that I clung on to those bad things that my soul was torn in two at every crossroad.

So I prayed to receive the grace that God mold my heart to his. I cried as I symbolically lifted up my heart
and let him shine on it as to perform surgery.

I managed one year and one month to stay away from addiction. I fell, and now am in the process of trying to do longer than that again.

I believe that if I follow God’s will, I will be a better husband to my future wife, and a better father to my children. I believe in God’s promise, and I believe that in the end, this choice was better for me.

And as I was so desperately clinging onto God’s grace every day to lead me away from temptation, I got closer to God that I ever did before, and became the happiest that I have ever had in years.

I found that God can offer a happiness that none other can give, but it takes a really humble (a heart dependent on him) mentality to attain it. I was desperately clinging on to God with my dear life, as if I was falling off a cliff, and the time I spent holding on to him has opened up to me the joys of salvation… I had heaven on earth.

I hope and pray that that helps.

 

[Stylteralmaldo]

"Miles_Militus:

Well, I’m completely lost. My heart is filled with nothing but frustration. I was in a pretty dark place a few weeks back…

…stop searching, stop agonizing, stop obsessing. start serving. you are here to serve. find someone to serve, serve every day. this is the reason you were born.

I was in a rut not too long ago. Each time I went to confession my confessor would urge me to stop searching for all the answers. I resisted that pastoral guidance for the longest time. A part of me wanted to figure it all out. I felt a need to know how to fix the problems in my life. The more I searched, the more problems would come my way and the worse my problems became. I became obsessed.

However, I am finally listening to my pastoral guidance. My anxieties are subsiding almost as quickly as my response to the advice given to me. I’ve still got a long way to go though. The race isn’t finished yet. The struggle may continue until death. But persevere I will! Whatever I do, I will not throw in the towel and I am learning to trust more and rely on myself less.

 

[JRKH]

First let me say that I cannot ever recall reading such a beautifully written cry for help. You are truly gifted in your ability to express yourself.

God does not wish us to be unhappy, but happiness in God and happiness in the world are two different things.

Jesus based his entire ministry on Love. Love of God and Love of Neighbor.
Love was the only commandment he left for his followers.

Loving God means that is who and what you are. Loving your neighbor as yourself means treating all others with God’s love. Yes it can be “unsatisfying” as the world defines satisfaction but as God’s children we must redefine what satisfaction is. Satisfaction, and happiness is in doing God’s will every day.
If you can lay down at the end of the day and know you did the best you could you can be happy.
If you can get on your knees and pray with a true desire to be closer to God, you are on the right track.
If you can turn your attention to God’s Love and immerse youreslf in it you may find what you are looking for.

I hope this helps in some small way.

James

 

[Miles_Militis]

Thank you all for your responses. I guess, I’ve just always been told that if you follow Christ He will guide you and bring you happiness and true joy. Barring extreme examples of saints.

I just get overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness and depression at times. I have a loving and supportive family…more then many. I don’t have a lot, but I’ve always had enough. God has always cared for me…but I just don’t feel it like I used to.

I get angry with myself because I know that I shouldn’t be bothered by this. I know that ours is not this world, but it doesn’t change my feelings. I have no right to feel depressed or lonely. There are so many people I know that have gone through / are going through much worse, and they don’t complain. I’m always the consoler, I just wish I could be the consoled sometimes. I’m always the one that gives advise and understanding…and though I don’t let anyone know, deep in my heart I want to be the one given understanding.

I know the St Francis Prayer: not to be understood but to understand and so on. It just frustrates me that my heart seems to betray my desire to really want to live this prayer.

Once in Theology class, I wrote “The beat of my heart betrays the prayer of my soul.” in my notes, and to be honest that’s how I feel. I feel like I’m wretched to feel the way I do. I ought to desire nothing but to serve God. I ought to seek comfort not in this world, but the promise of the next. But despite my noblest intentions, by heart wants more.

 

[JRKH]

Thank you all for your responses. I guess, I’ve just always been told that if you follow Christ He will guide you and bring you happiness and true joy. Barring extreme examples of saints.

I just get overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness and depression at times. I have a loving and supportive family…more then many. I don’t have a lot, but I’ve always had enough. God has always cared for me…but I just don’t feel it like I used to.

I get angry with myself because I know that I shouldn’t be bothered by this. I know that ours is not this world, but it doesn’t change my feelings. I have no right to feel depressed or lonely. There are so many people I know that have gone through / are going through much worse, and they don’t complain. I’m always the consoler, I just wish I could be the consoled sometimes. I’m always the one that gives advise and understanding…and though I don’t let anyone know, deep in my heart I want to be the one given understanding.

I know the St Francis Prayer: not to be understood but to understand and so on. It just frustrates me that my heart seems to betray my desire to really want to live this prayer.

Once in Theology class, I wrote “The beat of my heart betrays the prayer of my soul.” in my notes, and to be honest that’s how I feel. I feel like I’m wretched to feel the way I do. I ought to desire nothing but to serve God. I ought to seek comfort not in this world, but the promise of the next. But despite my noblest intentions, by heart wants more.

You are on a great an Holy road. after reading your posts I believe strongly that God has great plans for you. Your suffering will be of immence help to others. Your gift of expression is profound.
I know this is not of great help in the day to day, but I felt I needed to express this.

May God Bless you on your Journey

James

 

[Servulus]

Miles:

It sounds like you’re going through what Saint John of the Cross referred to as “the dark night of the soul”. Ask him to pray for you. I will do the same.

Servulus

 

[Miles_Militis]

You are on a great an Holy road. after reading your posts I believe strongly that God has great plans for you. Your suffering will be of immence help to others. Your gift of expression is profound.
I know this is not of great help in the day to day, but I felt I needed to express this.

May God Bless you on your Journey

James

The only thing that kept me from crying just now is my being surrounded by family and they don’t know I’m posting, or anything about this.

Thank you.

You aren’t the first person to say something like that to me. Honestly, more then anything, I think my greatest fear is for that not to be true. Nothing scares me more then falling into a ‘mediocre’ life. Even just being a ‘nice Catholic’ scares me. I know that I need to be more. I just wish I knew how. I know I shouldn’t worry, that God will guide me if I am faithful. I just want so much more then anything I see now. But I am a little scared of where He’ll take me. In order to be cleaned I need to go through fire, I just pray that I’m strong enough.

Its not God I doubt, just myself.

 

[Miles_Militis]

Miles:

It sounds like you’re going through what Saint John of the Cross referred to as “the dark night of the soul”. Ask him to pray for you. I will do the same.

Servulus

I read the first part of his book “The Dark Night” because I thought this too. I’m just not sure if I really feel what I do, or if its just my own pride hoping for something dramatic like that.

I was too scared to read past his first part describing ‘The Beginner’, it was too close to home. Maybe I need to read more.

 

[puzzleannie]

I read the first part of his book “The Dark Night” because I thought this too. I’m just not sure if I really feel what I do, or if its just my own pride hoping for something dramatic like that.

I was too scared to read past his first part describing ‘The Beginner’, it was too close to home. Maybe I need to read more.

what my director told me and it may apply to you, when I read it, and got stuck on the first chapter the beginner, was stay with this chapter as long as it hits close to home like that. I will not tell you how long I have been on this chapter, but I have mentioned it on past threads on Juan de la Cruz. the dark night is not dramatic, it is the absence of drama or even of feeling. a spiritual director can be of great benefit, but through it all, we still must serve, all day, every day, service.

 

[JRKH]

The only thing that kept me from crying just now is my being surrounded by family and they don’t know I’m posting, or anything about this.

Thank you.

You aren’t the first person to say something like that to me. Honestly, more then anything, I think my greatest fear is for that not to be true. Nothing scares me more then falling into a ‘mediocre’ life. Even just being a ‘nice Catholic’ scares me. I know that I need to be more. I just wish I knew how.

Thank you for your kind words. It pleases me to be of some help.
Please do not underestimate the importance of “just being a 'nice Catholic”. Many many saints through the ages considered themselves to be nothing more than just that. St Francis, St Theresa the little flower and Mother Theresa all come to mind. Yet each one did so much more through their simple lives than they could have imagined. Also, consider those persons we see in our lives who might be holy. They also live lives of simple faith.
In my own life I discovered two saints in my own parents. My father, who died of Alheimers and my mother who cared for him. My fathers quiet acceptance of God’s will for him and my mothers quiet patience, both in caring for him and living her life after his passing, have been an inspiration. More importantly though was what they taught me through their ordeal. You see they really didn’t do anything differently than they had ever done. They loved God and each other and us kids with their whole beings. They did all the little things that mean “nothing” at the time but mean so “much” later.
Sorry to ramble but I wanted to share with you that in God’s eyes there is no such thing as, “Just”…a nice Catholic",

I know I shouldn’t worry, that God will guide me if I am faithful. I just want so much more then anything I see now. But I am a little scared of where He’ll take me. In order to be cleaned I need to go through fire, I just pray that I’m strong enough.

Its not God I doubt, just myself.

Again I see such a beautiful soul calling out. Praise God.
Also there is that desire to follow Christ and fear of where he’ll take us. Many who truly wish to follow Him go through this.

Maybe it’s just because I just read these books but may I suggest Mother Angelica’s biography and also her book called “Little Life Lessons”. You can find them at EWTN’s bookstore, or at Borders. (If they don’t have them in stock they can get them.)

Little Life Lessons is a great one to keep next to the bed or desk. Her biography is a beautiful contemporary lesson overcoming fear, pain, and doubt to follow Jesus. (And in the process she built the EWTN network.)

May God Bless you on your Journey (As I know he will)

James

 

[puzzleannie]

I would also like to post a general reminder, even warning, since the topic has come up, that just as we may not offer a diagnosis for a physical or psychological symptom here, it is equally dangerous and perhaps even arrogant to offer a spiritual diagnosis for another person. the “dark night” is not a glib catch-all phrase that describes all spiritual despondency, doubt or aridity. according the the spiritual master who is describing it, it refers to distinct phases in the spiritual life, and self-diagnosis is as unhelpful as long-distance 3rd party assumptions. there are several threads on this forum discussing the concept and how it is defined by various spiritual writers, but none of us here can say “ooooh it sounds like you are going through the dark night” nor can we say, without competent spiritual direction about ourselves “I must be in the dark night” because I feel so bad, because I am so depressed, because … whatever.

the best and most we can do here, is what posters are already doing, offer insights from our own experience, but none of us is competent to say to OP or anyone else, this is the dark night of the senses, or, this is the dark night of the spirit, or this is aridity, or diagnose any other spiritual condition.

 

[Lux_et_Tenebrae]

Thank you all for your responses. I guess, I’ve just always been told that if you follow Christ He will guide you and bring you happiness and true joy. Barring extreme examples of saints.

Jesus promised us His Holy Spirit, and His peace, if we are willing to accept it. He NEVER promised us earthly happiness. That is up to us—we are as happy as we choose to be. Some people who have the most are miserable, and others who appear to have nothing are so serene.

just get overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness and depression at times. I have a loving and supportive family…more then many. I don’t have a lot, but I’ve always had enough. God has always cared for me…but I just don’t feel it like I used to.

Perhaps you need to be evaluated by a doctor or therapist? And nothing stays the same—your feelings change as you mature.

I get angry with myself because I know that I shouldn’t be bothered by this. I know that ours is not this world, but it doesn’t change my feelings. I have no right to feel depressed or lonely. There are so many people I know that have gone through / are going through much worse, and they don’t complain. I’m always the consoler, I just wish I could be the consoled sometimes. I’m always the one that gives advise and understanding…and though I don’t let anyone know, deep in my heart I want to be the one given understanding.

You have every right to feel however you feel. We cannot control our feelings—only our response to them. Try to exercise or do anything when you are feeling down. Any change may help break the mood. And don’t be afraid to ask for consolation from those you have helped—it may also do them good to return the kindness.

I know the St Francis Prayer: not to be understood but to understand and so on. It just frustrates me that my heart seems to betray my desire to really want to live this prayer.

Nobody can be all things to everbody, and we are all human. One of the most important aspects of the mental health profession is to be certain you have sufficient support to continue to support others.

Once in Theology class, I wrote “The beat of my heart betrays the prayer of my soul.” in my notes, and to be honest that’s how I feel. I feel like I’m wretched to feel the way I do. I ought to desire nothing but to serve God. I ought to seek comfort not in this world, but the promise of the next. But despite my noblest intentions, by heart wants more

You are human, certainly you want more. Beg Jesus for His peace, and be willing to accept it.

Love & Prayers,

Lux

 

[homewardangel]

Its not God I doubt, just myself.

I know exactly how you feel. I don’t have any answers, but that is exactly how I feel. I have said that same thing a million times! If only God handed out written instructions on what he wants me to do - I would do exactly what He wanted me to do…but I haven’t found that book.

Each time I went to confession my confessor would urge me to stop searching for all the answers. I resisted that pastoral guidance for the longest time. A part of me wanted to figure it all out. I felt a need to know how to fix the problems in my life. The more I searched, the more problems would come my way and the worse my problems became. I became obsessed.

However, I am finally listening to my pastoral guidance. My anxieties are subsiding almost as quickly as my response to the advice given to me.

You too sound like me. I get caught in this rut that I am doing something wrong or I should do something differently. My problems must be able to be fixed somehow - so many other people are able to fix their lives, I should be able to fix my life. So I end up feeling like I need to “fix me” or do something (anything) differently to help me. (Its like I’m stuck in one of those continuous improvement seminars at work ) How do you let go of that feeling?
Terri

 

[ABiii]

Hi,

You said that you sometimes felt like you needed others to console or to support you…

why don’t you join a lay organization? I am a part of one, and I am getting awesome support