When to avoid a troubling friend

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kyleboerner

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Greetings,

There is this one ‘friend’ my friends and I share that seems to cause significant issues within the group routinely every 1-2 years. This has been going on for 15 years or so, and my friends and I strictly believe in forgiveness and moving on; however, now that we are 28-32 years old, it seems to be effecting our lives to a much greater extent, taking a significant toll on emotions, happiness and unity.

We still forgive with each problem this ‘friend’ causes. The QUESTION I have for you is this: Even if we forgive this ‘friend’, is it spiritually unjust if we choose not to associate with this friend for quite some time until they demonstrate they have changed for the better?

We do not want to be exclusionists; however, this person’s negative actions has significant impacts on our lives. You could say we have practiced the ‘forgive and forget’ method; however, nothing has changed in this person’s behavior.

Any advice/recommendations would be greatly appreciated!

Kyle
 
kyleboerner said:
Greetings,

There is this one ‘friend’ my friends and I share that seems to cause significant issues within the group routinely every 1-2 years. This has been going on for 15 years or so, and my friends and I strictly believe in forgiveness and moving on; however, now that we are 28-32 years old, it seems to be effecting our lives to a much greater extent, taking a significant toll on emotions, happiness and unity.

We still forgive with each problem this ‘friend’ causes. The QUESTION I have for you is this: Even if we forgive this ‘friend’, is it spiritually unjust if we choose not to associate with this friend for quite some time until they demonstrate they have changed for the better?

We do not want to be exclusionists; however, this person’s negative actions has significant impacts on our lives. You could say we have practiced the ‘forgive and forget’ method; however, nothing has changed in this person’s behavior.

Any advice/recommendations would be greatly appreciated!

Kyle
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Do you want him/her?
 
There is nothing at all unjust in doing so.
Forgiveness does not mean you have an obligation to let the offender going on repeating the offense. Nor am you forbidden to protect yourselves from any harm you might suffer from her actions.
 
Andremiguel - No, simply a friend.
Reepicheep - thank you for your advice - that is what I needed to hear because it would indeed protect me from harm.
 
The fact that you and your friends have been so forgiving time and time again says a lot about all of you. You do not have to have a toxic person in your life.
 
**If a bear is trying to break down your door, and you know you will be harmed, you don’t open the door anyway because you wish the bear no harm would you ?

If you’ve let this person know the problem and given them a chance to fix it, and they won’t, then THEY are the ones choosing the consequences of what follows.**
 
maltmom - Yes - toxic is a very good word to use in this matter, thank you! We are always concerned about how our actions mirror scripture and church teaching.
 
Very great example tuscany - thank you!
Thank you all for your support and advice!
 
It may take exclusion for this person to realize a change in behavior is needed. Tough love, if you will, since nothing else has worked.
 
Thank you SMA_12 - that does seem to be the best option since he never learns his lesson or consider the effect of his actions on others.
 
Sometimes we have to avoid toxic people in our lives, be it friend or family…for our sanity and for the health of our own souls. In fact, if their actions cause such things as anger, bitterness and hard feelings that are hard to control (I speak from experience!), avoiding such people could in fact be the more virtuous approach. They still need our love, and ***definitely ***need our prayers. But even Joel Osteen, whom I have never seen without a smile on his face, has said that sometimes we can only love someone from afar.

People also need to understand that wrongful behavior has consequences. Some never get that connection, sadly for them; but pray for your friend and ask for God’s grace and strength–and hopefully, this person will finally “connect the dots” and work to better his relationship with you. God bless you. :highprayer:
 
kyleboerner said:
Greetings,

There is this one ‘friend’ my friends and I share that seems to cause significant issues within the group routinely every 1-2 years. This has been going on for 15 years or so, and my friends and I strictly believe in forgiveness and moving on; however, now that we are 28-32 years old, it seems to be effecting our lives to a much greater extent, taking a significant toll on emotions, happiness and unity.

We still forgive with each problem this ‘friend’ causes. The QUESTION I have for you is this: Even if we forgive this ‘friend’, is it spiritually unjust if we choose not to associate with this friend for quite some time until they demonstrate they have changed for the better?

We do not want to be exclusionists; however, this person’s negative actions has significant impacts on our lives. You could say we have practiced the ‘forgive and forget’ method; however, nothing has changed in this person’s behavior.

Any advice/recommendations would be greatly appreciated!

Kyle
Click to expand...
Yes, you may appropriately distance yourself from this friend. Here is an example of something like this from Scripture. In the first two chapters of 2 Corinthians, St. Paul discusses how he had a change in plans to stay away from the Corinthians for a while due to a painful experience that he had endured in a prior visit (see 2 Cor. 1:8 - 2:11). As you will see in chapter 2 verse 10, St. Paul clearly forgives the offender. I think, in your case, you should act prudently and distance yourself from this “friend.” You may even consider letting this “friend” know why he/she is being excluded or it may be better to just break it off. Through prayer, you will be better able to make this decision.

In addition, about a year ago, Tim Staples wrote an article about what it means to forgive. I found his article very helpful and I think you will, too. Here is the link.

catholic.com/blog/tim-staples/to-forgive-or-not-to-forgive-%E2%80%94-that-is-the-question

I hope this helps.

houston1
 
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