When to Discuss Contentious Issues With Your Spouse

[pensmama87]

I’m looking for advice mostly from the longer-married couples here. I really want this discussion to go well and for my husband to hear me.

My husband is a huge sports fan. He loves the whole idea of competitive sport, the narrative of it, the manly macho sweat, blood, and tears of it, the achieving hard goals, he loves seeing nations play each other, the whole shebang. There isn’t a sport he doesn’t like, and with the media the way it is now, he has a lot of opportunity to watch things that weren’t available to see 10, 20 years ago. When we began dating, he was the same way, but most of his attention was focused on (American) football and the Olympics, with passing interest in his “home” teams for the other major sports (we’re in the US). That’s now expanded to include a lot of other things and (no exaggeration, I actually checked) he now spends an average of about 25 hours every week watching sports or engaging with other fans on social media about sports (he has a blog that he receives a little bit of ad revenue from every year, but it’s not significant).

I am going to state this clearly right here, because I don’t want it to be missed:** I think it is fine that he enjoys sports, and I have learned to appreciate them myself over the course of our relationship and marriage. ** However, I think the degree to which he immerses himself in this hobby is just not compatible long-term with our family life. I think he needs to pick a few priorities and stick with them, and then spend more time with us. I don’t expect him to fulfill all of my social needs, I just get tired of every evening all evening being sports and Twitter and blog writing, so long into the night that he has trouble getting up in the morning. I have my hobbies too (running being the thing that is completely separate from our family life, the other stuff is cooking/gardening/etc) but the overall time spent on that is much, much less.

So, I want to ask him to scale back. In terms of when during the day, I know not to discuss when we’re hungry, tired, or distracted. But the Olympics start tonight, which has always been a big love of his, and then training camp has started for the NFL, so that’s his other big thing too. I definitely think I should wait until after the Olympics are over. Watching that will be a family activity this year anyway. But then we have football season, which I always dread even though I like watching our home team. I think he thinks my expressed dislike for how long he’s away (he attends home games) and the increased time he spends on that is a running joke in our relationship (“haha, my wife says she’s a football widow”) but it actually really bugs me. Though, if he wasn’t so into all of the other stuff all the time, I suspect his love of football wouldn’t bother me so much.

I know I can’t control his reaction and that he might react defensively no matter what I say or how I say it or when. I want to make clear that I have no problem with his enjoying sports and I think it’s a great outlet. It’s just too much, and it infringes on our necessary family life when he engages in it in such a big way year-round. So, when do I bring it up? Do I say something before football season gets into full swing, do I grin and bear it until February (I think I can, I’ve done it before, but I don’t want to for decades more) and say, “So hey, let’s figure out a way to do this differently so I don’t lose my mind?”

This is not a “big marriage problem” - for which I am thankful - just looking for advice from longer-married couples who’ve probably had to negotiate these things in the past.

 

[Mamanurse]

Do you set aside a night or two a week that are just for you and your husband to reconnect? My husband and I have recently started to set aside at least one evening a week where we just hang out. We take turns who is going to plan that night. Most nights are nothing special, we might rent a movie, have a later dinner after the kids go to bed or sit and have a drink and talk. My point is, that maybe instead of telling him how much you dislike the amount of time he spends with his sports, maybe approach it with the idea of doing something like this. Letting him know that this is a standing date every week, it doesn’t matter who is playing that night because that night is reserved just for you. Once we started doing this, I didn’t feel as annoyed by the time my husband spent doing other things. And as far as when to do this, I would say now. Don’t keep putting your marriage relationship on hold for the next sporting event to end.

 

[Xantippe]

Here’s a thought:

Ask him (at a good time!), “How many nights a week do you need for sports?” And see what he says. He’s unlikely to have the guts (or selfishness) to say 7. I’d try to negotiate him down to four or less. (I think you would probably be ecstatically happy to have three non-sports nights a week.) And make it explicit that the nights can be switched around or if there’s something special (like the Olympics) that that’s different.

But normally, no more than four or five nights a week.

But have him make the first offer…He might surprise you and say three. If he says two, I would actually negotiate him up to three, because I don’t think two will be enough for him.

Also, be explicit about leaving the door open to renegotiation as your family conditions change–more children, kids in sports, school stuff, etc.

Good luck!

 

[Xantippe]

Do you set aside a night or two a week that are just for you and your husband to reconnect? My husband and I have recently started to set aside at least one evening a week where we just hang out. We take turns who is going to plan that night. Most nights are nothing special, we might rent a movie, have a later dinner after the kids go to bed or sit and have a drink and talk. My point is, that maybe instead of telling him how much you dislike the amount of time he spends with his sports, maybe approach it with the idea of doing something like this. Letting him know that this is a standing date every week, it doesn’t matter who is playing that night because that night is reserved just for you. Once we started doing this, I didn’t feel as annoyed by the time my husband spent doing other things. And as far as when to do this, I would say now. Don’t keep putting your marriage relationship on hold for the next sporting event to end.

Yes–maybe one date night a week and one family night?

 

[Rico_S]

I know I can’t control his reaction and that he might react defensively no matter what I say or how I say it or when. I want to make clear that I have no problem with his enjoying sports and I think it’s a great outlet. It’s just too much, and it infringes on our necessary family life when he engages in it in such a big way year-round. So, when do I bring it up? Do I say something before football season gets into full swing, do I grin and bear it until February (I think I can, I’ve done it before, but I don’t want to for decades more) and say, “So hey, let’s figure out a way to do this differently so I don’t lose my mind?”

This is not a “big marriage problem” - for which I am thankful - just looking for advice from longer-married couples who’ve probably had to negotiate these things in the past.

As far as timing–yeah, wait till after the Olympics. Its every couple years and only a couple of weeks. (I remember as a kid watching a ton of Olympics as a family–so its often a good thing, imo). But I wouldn’t wait until after football. Just do it sometime at the end of the month.

Like Mamanurse, I’d set aside some time to talk about it. It doesn’t have to be a date night deal, but it has to be time for just you two and the conversation needs to happen outside of conflict. (don’t ask him to turn off the game right now and let’s talk about this issue). Also, I think you’ve very clearly explained your thoughts on this matter in your OP and I believe them to be absolutely reasonable…if approached outside of conflict I don’t imagine your husband will react badly to your issue. The one thing I would focus on…especially lead with…is making sure you tell him how it makes you feel. " When you are up late everynight watching sports and blogging about it while I am in bed alone, I feel abandoned" --not to put words in your mouth, but something along those lines. It will be hard to react badly to you when you are simply sharing how it makes you feel—less likely his walls will go up.

Good luck with conversation.

 

[Tomdstone]

Perhaps sports is his hobby. Do you have a hobby also?

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I hope this comes across as charitable. He’s a Dad to three young children. How does he actually have that many hours in a week to devote to a hobby? I assume he’s employed and working fortyish hours a week.

I think that this type of behavior leads to the two of you living separate lives under the same roof.

So, maybe tell him you need to speak to him and set up a specific time. Try to use I statements as much as possible. Try to remain as calm as possible.

Maybe even write him a letter beforehand.

 

[Casilda]

Qualifier, been married over 30 years, that said, if it ain’t sports it will be something else. My husband could care less about sports. I love baseball! But I am not obsessive. It’s been years since we went to a baseball game.

My husband’s obsessions have changed over the years: cars, stock market, analysis on getting the best deal (on anything), his job, currently it’s a focus on more spiritual things - sharing the gospel.

I’ve never redirected his obsession but I have remarked how much time it consumes. He seems to think about it and drop it for something new. I can live with his obsession for sharing the gospel. It’s been the least damaging to our family. His dad was the same way, and at around the same age took to looking heavenward and also focused the last 28 years of his life to being active in his church.

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

I hope this comes across as charitable. He’s a Dad to three young children. How does he actually have that many hours in a week to devote to a hobby? I assume he’s employed and working fortyish hours a week.

I think that this type of behavior leads to the two of you living separate lives under the same roof.

So, maybe tell him you need to speak to him and set up a specific time. Try to use I statements as much as possible. Try to remain as calm as possible.

Maybe even write him a letter beforehand.

I tend to agree, as the father of three kids under the age of six.

Most of my days are spent working until near dinner time, coming home for dinner, then bathing, get kids in bed, I clean up the kitchen, then it usually between 9 and 10 o’clock which leaves some time with spouse, in prayer, or working on stuff for my business.

I am a die hard ravens fan, frequent message boards (at work, of course), but have never been comfortable eating up three hours on sunday afternoon which should be a family day. there are always chores to be done, even if the kids are napping, though this somewhat flies in the face of a day of rest too.

I simply DVR the games, and watch them Sunday night when the kids are in bed. My wife is fine with her own down time, and I can chew through a three hour game in half the time by fast forwarding. My friends are on alert not to text me updates - they felt my wrath when they did that during the Ravens Steelers playoff game in January 2011 (the game when the Ravens blew a 21-7 half time lead thanks to a Ray Rice Fumble and Flacco interception, not that I remember well at all…)

I would bring it up post Olympics, since it is such a short duration, if it is bothersome. Many times, my wife and I know we should do something together in the evenings, even if deep down we are both content to go “veg” in our separate corners, an impulse we try and work against.

You’re husband sounds like a good one as well as father, but if you find the time inordinate, a simple request along the lines of “do you think we could spend less time watching sports and doing x”, while emphasizing what a good provider and father he is is not unreasonable.

I firmly believe there is nothing wrong with mothers and fathers decompressing with a a healthy indulgence, but it simply needs to be a balance. For me, I have to ask myself if I struggle to maintain the rigor of my prayer life, or say a rosary given the frenetic pace of marriage and parenthood, yet I have time to indulge my other interests, something is wrong - but that refers to me, not anyone else.

 

[pensmama87]

Do you set aside a night or two a week that are just for you and your husband to reconnect? My husband and I have recently started to set aside at least one evening a week where we just hang out. We take turns who is going to plan that night. Most nights are nothing special, we might rent a movie, have a later dinner after the kids go to bed or sit and have a drink and talk. My point is, that maybe instead of telling him how much you dislike the amount of time he spends with his sports, maybe approach it with the idea of doing something like this. Letting him know that this is a standing date every week, it doesn’t matter who is playing that night because that night is reserved just for you. Once we started doing this, I didn’t feel as annoyed by the time my husband spent doing other things. And as far as when to do this, I would say now. Don’t keep putting your marriage relationship on hold for the next sporting event to end.

Oh man, I would love that, but I know that’s not going to happen. When his team plays, that is just it. Even though we have DVR, and part of the point of the thing was to record stuff so we could watch it whenever, he “has to” watch certain sporting events live. And now that football alone could be Monday, Thursday, or Sunday (plus Saturday during playoffs)…

I do really like the idea of definitely setting aside a night every week, though, just for us, even if it rotates.

Here’s a thought:

Ask him (at a good time!), “How many nights a week do you need for sports?” And see what he says. He’s unlikely to have the guts (or selfishness) to say 7. I’d try to negotiate him down to four or less. (I think you would probably be ecstatically happy to have three non-sports nights a week.) And make it explicit that the nights can be switched around or if there’s something special (like the Olympics) that that’s different.

But normally, no more than four or five nights a week.

But have him make the first offer…He might surprise you and say three. If he says two, I would actually negotiate him up to three, because I don’t think two will be enough for him.

Also, be explicit about leaving the door open to renegotiation as your family conditions change–more children, kids in sports, school stuff, etc.

Good luck!

This is a really good idea, and point about leaving it open to change in the future - especially with our oldest in school this year, and parents are expected to be involved (with all the pros and cons that entails, of course…)

 

[pensmama87]

I hope this comes across as charitable. He’s a Dad to three young children. How does he actually have that many hours in a week to devote to a hobby? I assume he’s employed and working fortyish hours a week.

I think that this type of behavior leads to the two of you living separate lives under the same roof.

So, maybe tell him you need to speak to him and set up a specific time. Try to use I statements as much as possible. Try to remain as calm as possible.

Maybe even write him a letter beforehand.

Well, 3-4 hours per evening plus weekends. He stays up very, very late.

You’re right about the separate lives under the same roof. That’s how I feel about it, and I hate it, to be frank. But I know approaching it that way will get me exactly nowhere (not only will he get super defensive, but I’ll probably get angry, because on top of the lack of quality time I feel like it means he does very little to help. If he’s going to be a night owl, he could spend at least a little bit of that time doing something that is difficult to do with kids underfoot, instead of lying on the couch with both the TV on and on his phone or laptop.)

But that’s a (although related) different kettle of fish.

 

[pensmama87]

I tend to agree, as the father of three kids under the age of six.

Most of my days are spent working until near dinner time, coming home for dinner, then bathing, get kids in bed, I clean up the kitchen, then it usually between 9 and 10 o’clock which leaves some time with spouse, in prayer, or working on stuff for my business.

I am a die hard ravens fan, frequent message boards (at work, of course), but have never been comfortable eating up three hours on sunday afternoon which should be a family day. there are always chores to be done, even if the kids are napping, though this somewhat flies in the face of a day of rest too.

I simply DVR the games, and watch them Sunday night when the kids are in bed. My wife is fine with her own down time, and I can chew through a three hour game in half the time by fast forwarding. My friends are on alert not to text me updates - they felt my wrath when they did that during the Ravens Steelers playoff game in January 2011 (the game when the Ravens blew a 21-7 half time lead thanks to a Ray Rice Fumble and Flacco interception, not that I remember well at all…)

…]

I firmly believe there is nothing wrong with mothers and fathers decompressing with a a healthy indulgence, but it simply needs to be a balance. For me, I have to ask myself if I struggle to maintain the rigor of my prayer life, or say a rosary given the frenetic pace of marriage and parenthood, yet I have time to indulge my other interests, something is wrong - but that refers to me, not anyone else.

I should share with him how you manage, though the fact that you’re a Ravens fan would make him incredibly suspicious of anything you had to say. (He’s a Steelers fan, and while the emotions are opposite he remembers details about games like you do. Which drives me nuts when he can’t remember our kids’ birthdays. )

Our days are a lot like yours. He does bathe the kids everyday which I appreciate, and we put them to bed together. I guess he doesn’t see a need to do anything after that, including spend time with me, and I will admit I get a bit resentful because while I get up early in part to have some time to myself (and run), the days I’m not running I’m doing things like yard work or quiet house cleaning. And I get up an hour before the kids do, not 3-4.

 

[cradlecatholic5]

I’ve had this issue w/ my husband. Sundays were spent in front of the TV all day long and into the night watching sports.

Although it got so (with his competitiveness) that I didn’t want to watch a game with him.

If he team lost, he got very angry and his mood showed it.

We did discuss it and when HE NOTICED how his behavior changed, he changed.

Also,
We’re blessed to be a part of a marriage ministry, RETROUVAILLE. It has helped us in many ways - we can DIALOGUE with each other and by doing so, let each other know our FEELINGS … works great for us.

You don’t need to be in dire straits to attend a RETROUVAILLE weekend.

Check it out.

 

[pensmama87]

One thing I do want to share in DH’s favor is that this largely expanded during the time I was working in the evenings, which I did for several years. So he had to find a way to amuse himself after the kids went to bed before I came home. He clearly succeeded in that, perhaps too well! And I’m thankful that it isn’t something morally repugnant.

 

[Patavium]

Are you 100% sure it is all about sports every day until very late at night?

 

[pensmama87]

Are you 100% sure it is all about sports every day until very late at night?

I would say I am 98% sure. I have checked our history off and on and we have filters. And he’s definitely on Twitter all that time, talking about sports. That’s not to say it couldn’t be something else and he’s covering his tracks, but I think it’s unlikely.

 

[Xantippe]

Are you 100% sure it is all about sports every day until very late at night?

Sure–if it’s forums!

We all know how addictive forums are!

 

[pianistclare]

Maybe try CHRP

If he went to a men’s CHRP weekend he’d meet other men who have balance in their lives, and he’d see without it coming from you.
These men talk about their jobs, their kids, and their wives and desiring to do what is pleasing to God.
Maybe coming at it from someone else’s point of view might be helpful.
I don’t know. Just a thought. I know that people who do CHRP seem to be very happily married and seem to have balance, and I think that’s all you’re asking for,
Also, remind him that as soon as your children are old enough to play in the local soccer league, T-ball, and the like he’ll be abandoning those major league and local sports teams to do it with his children anyway. Then it will be his turn to lament that some people take sports too obsessively.
None of us really truly understand how we look to others when we pursue something we love that we believe is a good activity. My kids call me a Shiite Catholic because I’m always at work at Church.
They’re kidding of course, but they’re really saying “mama, come home and eat dinner and go to the movies with us!”.


Love you gurl.

 

[pensmama87]

Sure–if it’s forums!

We all know how addictive forums are!

I have been known to clear browser history on the days I check CAF a lot.

He does have a couple other interests, but none of them are nefarious. Nerd stuff.

 

[pensmama87]

Maybe try CHRP

If he went to a men’s CHRP weekend he’d meet other men who have balance in their lives, and he’d see without it coming from you.
These men talk about their jobs, their kids, and their wives and desiring to do what is pleasing to God.
Maybe coming at it from someone else’s point of view might be helpful.
I don’t know. Just a thought. I know that people who do CHRP seem to be very happily married and seem to have balance, and I think that’s all you’re asking for,
Also, remind him that as soon as your children are old enough to play in the local soccer league, T-ball, and the like he’ll be abandoning those major league and local sports teams to do it with his children anyway. Then it will be his turn to lament that some people take sports too obsessively.
None of us really truly understand how we look to others when we pursue something we love that we believe is a good activity. My kids call me a Shiite Catholic because I’m always at work at Church.
They’re kidding of course, but they’re really saying “mama, come home and eat dinner and go to the movies with us!”.


Love you gurl.

Thanks!!

He has started to make some local, Catholic friends, which has been great. He gets together with them maybe once a month or so and I definitely encourage it. A few are into sports, but some of them aren’t at all, and I think that’s good for him. But in our area, the professional sports fandom runs really, really deep. He and his dad almost exclusively talk sports with each other, and I think that’s wrapped up in quite a bit of his love for it. That’s how he relates to his dad.

DH is starting to involve the kids a little bit. He went to a high school football game last year with our oldest, and they had a great time, so they plan to do it again. My oldest can’t wait to see the parade of nations at the opening ceremonies tonight (flags! Weeeee!) so at least it’s not a completely no-family-involvement thing. At the same time, I don’t want that to end up being the sole basis of his relationship with his kids (see above with his dad). I’d like them to do things together rather than only watch other people do things.

I think I might start by asking him if there are any big events coming up, and then suggest a game night or movie night, etc. on a non-conflicting night.