When to Discuss Contentious Issues With Your Spouse

[Patavium]

I would say I am 98% sure. I have checked our history off and on and we have filters. And he’s definitely on Twitter all that time, talking about sports. That’s not to say it couldn’t be something else and he’s covering his tracks, but I think it’s unlikely.

Doe he knows the password to the filters? if yes, hmmm
if not then I wouldn’t worry about it because filters work even with private browsing.

 

[pensmama87]

Doe he knows the password to the filters? if yes, hmmm
if not then I wouldn’t worry about it because filters work even with private browsing.

He does, but I’m still not going to worry about it. There’s very little that would indicate it’s a problem at all, and believe you me, I am NOT the kind of person who sticks my head in the sand about things.

It’s crossed my mind a time or two, since I know it is a huge problem generally, but there’s nothing about him specifically that would make me think so.

 

[Patavium]

He does, but I’m still not going to worry about it. There’s very little that would indicate it’s a problem at all, and believe you me, I am NOT the kind of person who sticks my head in the sand about things.

It’s crossed my mind a time or two, since I know it is a huge problem generally, but there’s nothing about him specifically that would make me think so.

Ok, here is an experiment to try.

Change the password without telling him after the kids go to sleep and you supposedly go to sleep, and observe what happens.

 

[RPRPsych]

Ok, here is an experiment to try.

Change the password without telling him after the kids go to sleep and you supposedly go to sleep, and observe what happens.

With all due respect, is it necessary to go that far? Why harp on this issue when the OP isn’t really preoccupied about it?

A lot of men are “night owls”, especially given the fact that training and shift work sometimes accentuate that tendency. I know that’s what happened to me.

My own “owl time” involves such questionable activities as watching old cricket matches on YouTube (I’m a curmudgeon; the new matches are no good ), catching up on my Catholic self-education (RPR Junior tends to fold, spindle or mutilate book pages, so I have to do it after he sleeps), posting on CAF, and playing Chrono Cross (okay, not so much these days)

Of course, we do try to do other fun things during the evening and on weekends.

 

[pianistclare]

Thanks!!

He has started to make some local, Catholic friends, which has been great. He gets together with them maybe once a month or so and I definitely encourage it. A few are into sports, but some of them aren’t at all, and I think that’s good for him. But in our area, the professional sports fandom runs really, really deep. He and his dad almost exclusively talk sports with each other, and I think that’s wrapped up in quite a bit of his love for it. That’s how he relates to his dad.

DH is starting to involve the kids a little bit. He went to a high school football game last year with our oldest, and they had a great time, so they plan to do it again. My oldest can’t wait to see the parade of nations at the opening ceremonies tonight (flags! Weeeee!) so at least it’s not a completely no-family-involvement thing. At the same time, I don’t want that to end up being the sole basis of his relationship with his kids (see above with his dad). I’d like them to do things together rather than only watch other people do things.

I think I might start by asking him if there are any big events coming up, and then suggest a game night or movie night, etc. on a non-conflicting night.

that’s a great idea.
Stress that it’s a "I want to spend time with you thing, so he does think it’s a I don’t like what you’re doing thing.

 

[Patavium]

With all due respect, is it necessary to go that far? Why harp on this issue when the OP isn’t really preoccupied about it?

A lot of men are “night owls”, especially given the fact that training and shift work sometimes accentuate that tendency. I know that’s what happened to me.

My own “owl time” involves such questionable activities as watching old cricket matches on YouTube (I’m a curmudgeon; the new matches are no good ), catching up on my Catholic self-education (RPR Junior tends to fold, spindle or mutilate book pages, so I have to do it after he sleeps), posting on CAF, and playing Chrono Cross (okay, not so much these days)

Of course, we do try to do other fun things during the evening and on weekends.

He would only require access to the filters if he wants to change the settings. If he is not doing anything wrong then he wouldn’t even notice that she changed the password.

 

[pensmama87]

With all due respect, is it necessary to go that far? Why harp on this issue when the OP isn’t really preoccupied about it?

A lot of men are “night owls”, especially given the fact that training and shift work sometimes accentuate that tendency. I know that’s what happened to me.

My own “owl time” involves such questionable activities as watching old cricket matches on YouTube (I’m a curmudgeon; the new matches are no good ), catching up on my Catholic self-education (RPR Junior tends to fold, spindle or mutilate book pages, so I have to do it after he sleeps), posting on CAF, and playing Chrono Cross (okay, not so much these days)

Of course, we do try to do other fun things during the evening and on weekends.

Right. I don’t need to invent additional issues. I have a feeling that I can bring this up gently and we can slowly rock to a place that is better for all of us and hopefully with DH getting more sleep. If he were to be inexplicably resistant, then maybe I would have reason to be concerned about that. But at present, I don’t think so.

 

[pianistclare]

Ok, here is an experiment to try.

Change the password without telling him after the kids go to sleep and you supposedly go to sleep, and observe what happens.

Let’s give the happily married man a break, eh?

 

[cradlecatholic5]

You’re right about the separate lives under the same roof. That’s how I feel about it, and I hate it, to be frank

aka - single married lifestyle

We can all get in this rut … good thing you’re noticing it and wanting to address it.

Praying for God to give you the words.

 

[Patavium]

Right. I don’t need to invent additional issues. I have a feeling that I can bring this up gently and we can slowly rock to a place that is better for all of us and hopefully with DH getting more sleep. If he were to be inexplicably resistant, then maybe I would have reason to be concerned about that. But at present, I don’t think so.

Unfortunately, these other not so nice issues are discovered as in you must get caught in the act. Your call.

 

[pensmama87]

Unfortunately, these other not so nice issues are discovered as in you must get caught in the act. Your call.

I don’t think it would be good for my marriage to treat him as if he’s sneaking around when I have zero reason to think so, other than I know that some other men do.

I trust my husband, and will do so unless I have reason to distrust him.

Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

There is a .bat script you can run to see IP history. This will tell you what he’s been looking at even in incognito mode.

A filter he knows the password to doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence in this scenario. If you’re interested, PM me and I’ll send it to you when I’m at my computer, or send you a link to the site that taught me how to do it.

 

[Rico_S]

Wow, this thread took a wrong turn.

 

[pensmama87]

Wow, this thread took a wrong turn.

I really don’t think it’s porn, guys. There are no other indicators, and our marriage is great (and it’s been not so great before, but it’s never been a porn/lust/other women issue.)

He’s a geeky kind of guy. The stuff he likes, he likes hard, whether it’s sports or Lord of the Rings or what.

Can we keep the discussion on “how to best address increasing quality time, instead of spending so much time pursuing separate interests”?

 

[pianistclare]

Wow, this thread took a wrong turn.

For sure.
blech.
Wishing pensmama and her hubs all the best.

 

[Rico_S]

I’m thinking pensmama87’s husband should look into a private investigator. She claims she likes getting up early and run when everyone is still asleep? Is that what she’s really doing? I mean, no one else is up to check on her. I think the alarm bells should be going off…why doesn’t she run when everyone can watch her? She’s probably sneaking off doing something…dirty.

 

[pianistclare]

I’m thinking pensmama87’s husband should look into a private investigator. She claims she likes getting up early and run when everyone is still asleep? Is that what she’s really doing? I mean, no one else is up to check on her. I think the alarm bells should be going off…why doesn’t she run when everyone can watch her? She’s probably sneaking off doing something…dirty.

clandestine meetings on CAF, indeed…
BTW, does the “S” stand for Suave??? :ehh:

 

[RPRPsych]

Wow, this thread took a wrong turn.

As always happens when someone allows their own personal complexes, insecurities or other projected issues to trump what the OP was actually asking about.

I thought we only saw this sort of stuff on the politics threads (which is why I avoid them.)

Best wishes and prayers to the OP and her husband. I’m out before we hear more helpful tips about electronic surveillance and the marital version of the PATRIOT Act.

 

[pensmama87]

I’m thinking pensmama87’s husband should look into a private investigator. She claims she likes getting up early and run when everyone is still asleep? Is that what she’s really doing? I mean, no one else is up to check on her. I think the alarm bells should be going off…why doesn’t she run when everyone can watch her? She’s probably sneaking off doing something…dirty.

Shhhhh you’ll blow my cover!! npatrol:

Seriously, though, I think it’s a bad, bad idea to introduce suspicion into a marriage if there’s nothing to suggest it. We could all drive ourselves completely insane if we can’t 100% account for every moment of each other’s time apart from us (not to mention, that behavior can turn manipulative and abusive, quickly.) We each have access to each other’s phones at all times without question. We share everything else.

I said 98% instead of 100% because it’s possible that he’s engaging in a lot of workaround stuff to avoid getting caught doing something wrong, but that behavior typically comes with a lot of other red flags, and right now there are zero. Nada. Zip.

As I said, if he pushes back a lot against the idea of spending more time together, going to bed at a reasonable hour, etc, then maybe I would have room to feel more suspicious. But I don’t see how that’s going to be helpful for me to start thinking I have to police his behavior. He’s not one of our kids.

 

[LiamQ]

This is not a “big marriage problem” - for which I am thankful - just looking for advice from longer-married couples who’ve probably had to negotiate these things in the past.

I can’t offer much help, but I can at least state that I agree with your basic premise. A person who spends too much time on sports is a glutton of sorts. And I think that obsessing over any form of entertainment is **not **what men are created to be—since we are not called to be enslaved to our passions and emotions and constantly receiving delight from created things, but to sacrifice ourselves to pursue the arduous—and it’s not conducive to a holy life since, frankly, it can be a form of idolatry.

IMO, if someone can’t give something like sports up because they’re too attached, they are what St. Thomas Aquinas would call effeminate. How’s that for irony?