When to Discuss Contentious Issues With Your Spouse

[pensmama87]

Your husband is a Tallented writer and is boardering on professional skills in humorous journalism. ( please don’t show him this post if you don’t want to encourage him)
However I can tell the time it must take him to watch, analyze, and post about all the subjects is not something a working family man could conjure up.
My own first impression without knowing too much is that he is incredibly smart and passionate about this (sports) hobby. It may be a little too much.

I love sports, especially football, but I have to wonder if his passion and skill could not better serve the world in other ways. A blog that well done about our faith or fatherhood or politics would be culture changing.

Sports can be a mirror to life and faith or an escape from the world. Rarely is it both.
Perhaps you can gently start asking some introspective questions of him and guide the conversation that way.

HD thank you especially for this. My husband is a very gifted writer and always has been (I’ve been proofreading his work since undergrad, although I do not proofread his blog posts ) but I pretty much agree with your assessment. He’s good at what he does and clearly has a passion for it, but I think it’s a bit too much for this season of our lives, and I wonder if his talent isn’t wasted a bit on this. I mean, how many other sports commentary blogs are there out there, even just in our region? There are a couple topics he covers that almost nobody else on the Internet does (and that’s actually where he gets his highest readership numbers, but for pro football he’s just one drop in the ocean.) I would be thrilled if he would adjust his focus to those few issues, and then if he still felt compelled to write (and he’s always been a writer, so that wouldn’t surprise me) I agree he could do a lot of good writing about something that actually mattered in eternal terms.

That said, he hates it when I ask any kind of introspective question. There is an element of immaturity there, and I think I recognize it because I share a similar flaw. Having somebody suggest that we might not be perfect or have it all figured out yet wounds both of us. It’s a tendency I’m aware of in my own self, but I’m not sure he knows it yet. It makes discussions about improvements hard because he takes it all very personally and as a statement about his personal worth. We both tend to equate achievement with value.
As a stay-at-home parent, you’ll know that the home life and family stuff is largely ‘invisible’ - a constant turn of cycles and days where the only way you know something is done is when suddenly it isn’t anymore. A blog post with data, or awards, or recognition and interviews on public media offers a big draw because it’s measurable accomplishment.

And that’s part of what appeals to him about sport - the measurability of it all, and in competition knowing who is the best under very specific circumstances. Family life can’t offer that in nearly the same way.

Anyway, you’ve given me a lot to chew over. Thanks.

 

[pensmama87]

Oh, Lord, please help me.

I am a total mess over this.

Only a couple more days, but I know I need to be calm and reasoned and I am not in a state for that.

 

[Xantippe]

Oh, Lord, please help me.

I am a total mess over this.

Only a couple more days, but I know I need to be calm and reasoned and I am not in a state for that.

Sooooon.

 

[pensmama87]

Sooooon.

I know!!!

It doesn’t help that the weather has been very, very, hot, humid, and rainy, so we’ve been cooped up lots at home.

Four days plus five hours until the closing ceremonies! Weeee!

 

[Xantippe]

I know!!!

It doesn’t help that the weather has been very, very, hot, humid, and rainy, so we’ve been cooped up lots at home.

Four days plus five hours until the closing ceremonies! Weeee!

Schedule something right after that.

And let your husband know.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Schedule something right after that.

And let your husband know.

Yes!!!

I vote for Informing him that the evening of August 22 Has Been Reserved for quality time with you, a show or activity of your choice, and a bottle of wine. Strong Hints vis-à-vis the advisability of flowers, chocolate, or wrangling the kids for bedtime while you take a spa-esque bath might be Dropped. Thoughtful, philosophical observations regarding the effect a pair of garden shears might have on the cable line if these wishes aren’t respected are optional.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I know!!!

It doesn’t help that the weather has been very, very, hot, humid, and rainy, so we’ve been cooped up lots at home.

Four days plus five hours until the closing ceremonies! Weeee!

I know it’s bad. But we have dvr’d the games and watched them many nights so far. Last night we took the kids to a rodeo and then watched the games before prayers. This has led to some amazing homeschool opportunities for us since we are getting ready to start that up again. So I went to the dollar store and bought gold silver and bronze medals. Then we go to the pool and we race all four strokes. Then the girls work on a swim dance routine. If we don’t go to the pool the we do track and field. It’s amazing how many household items can be used as a shot put. We Google the rules and form.

Here is the kicker. Each kid chooses a country to represent and they are only able to choose each country once. The winner has to attempt the national anthem of that country. (Thanks google translate). And we find each country on a map and read a little about it and look at the flag.

I’m just saying that while you might be dying. You can indeed make it a family thing. Get your husband to do some kind of gymnastics floor routine!

And indeed yes, after the closing ceremonies you need some special time. Before kickoff of course.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Tomorrow they can imitate lochte’ fake robbery.

 

[AClaire11]

How are things going? I’ve been thinking about you over the past few days and hope it’s gotten more tolerable since the end of the Olympics.

 

[pensmama87]

How are things going? I’ve been thinking about you over the past few days and hope it’s gotten more tolerable since the end of the Olympics.

It has.

We visited family this past weekend and we rediscovered that we are, in fact, a team (we had something of an adversary to deal with). It’s funny how new environments, too, can shake things up and let you see what’s been in front of your face the whole time. He was great with the kids and helpful around our host’s home, even though we had one night where the kids didn’t sleep (and thus neither did we.) We were very testy with each other for a bit in the morning, then we both apologized because we knew it was the stress of the situation and lack of sleep that was leading us to get snippy over stuff we normally wouldn’t even notice.

He was showing me the high school football schedule and he plans on taking the older two boys to a few games, which will be very nice. There aren’t any home pro games for a while because of the way the schedule worked out, so we’ll have our weekends together as a family. I asked if we could do a few family outings this fall - apple and pumpkin picking, and maybe hiking/walking a few trails once the leaves turn. No screens, fresh air, and exercise - all good stuff.

I also happen to love fall, so the season change and the start of school always puts me in a good mood.

 

[AClaire11]

It has.

We visited family this past weekend and we rediscovered that we are, in fact, a team (we had something of an adversary to deal with). It’s funny how new environments, too, can shake things up and let you see what’s been in front of your face the whole time. He was great with the kids and helpful around our host’s home, even though we had one night where the kids didn’t sleep (and thus neither did we.) We were very testy with each other for a bit in the morning, then we both apologized because we knew it was the stress of the situation and lack of sleep that was leading us to get snippy over stuff we normally wouldn’t even notice.

He was showing me the high school football schedule and he plans on taking the older two boys to a few games, which will be very nice. There aren’t any home pro games for a while because of the way the schedule worked out, so we’ll have our weekends together as a family. I asked if we could do a few family outings this fall - apple and pumpkin picking, and maybe hiking/walking a few trails once the leaves turn. No screens, fresh air, and exercise - all good stuff.

I also happen to love fall, so the season change and the start of school always puts me in a good mood.

That’s great to hear!

 

[Xantippe]

Very nice!

It has.

We visited family this past weekend and we rediscovered that we are, in fact, a team (we had something of an adversary to deal with). It’s funny how new environments, too, can shake things up and let you see what’s been in front of your face the whole time. He was great with the kids and helpful around our host’s home, even though we had one night where the kids didn’t sleep (and thus neither did we.) We were very testy with each other for a bit in the morning, then we both apologized because we knew it was the stress of the situation and lack of sleep that was leading us to get snippy over stuff we normally wouldn’t even notice.

He was showing me the high school football schedule and he plans on taking the older two boys to a few games, which will be very nice. There aren’t any home pro games for a while because of the way the schedule worked out, so we’ll have our weekends together as a family. I asked if we could do a few family outings this fall - apple and pumpkin picking, and maybe hiking/walking a few trails once the leaves turn. No screens, fresh air, and exercise - all good stuff.

I also happen to love fall, so the season change and the start of school always puts me in a good mood.

 

[pensmama87]

That said, he hates it when I ask any kind of introspective question. There is an element of immaturity there, and I think I recognize it because I share a similar flaw. Having somebody suggest that we might not be perfect or have it all figured out yet wounds both of us. It’s a tendency I’m aware of in my own self, but I’m not sure he knows it yet. It makes discussions about improvements hard because he takes it all very personally and as a statement about his personal worth. We both tend to equate achievement with value.

As a stay-at-home parent, you’ll know that the home life and family stuff is largely ‘invisible’ - a constant turn of cycles and days where the only way you know something is done is when suddenly it isn’t anymore. A blog post with data, or awards, or recognition and interviews on public media offers a big draw because it’s measurable accomplishment.

And that’s part of what appeals to him about sport - the measurability of it all, and in competition knowing who is the best under very specific circumstances. Family life can’t offer that in nearly the same way.

Anyway, you’ve given me a lot to chew over. Thanks.

So, I decided to revisit this thread because even though I thought we started off the school year strong, we are now doing worse than ever. I decided to talk with him and he took it very, very badly, and has essentially retreated only into work and blogging. He doesn’t emotionally engage with me or the kids. I’m quoting my own post because I really think this is the crux of it. He hates it when I suggest he’s not perfect - no matter how sweetly, respectfully, or kindly I do it. I framed it in terms of what I needed, not being accusatory, and his response was to tell me I was ridiculous, he wouldn’t comply, and then to be emotionally unavailable.

He’ll crack light jokes and be polite at home, but as soon as there’s a whiff of something being expected of him he’ll just “shut off” again.

Honestly, I’m too tired to deal with this stuff. If he has major stresses or worries he refuses to tell me about them. I could kill myself trying to be helpful and kind and nice to him, and it wouldn’t change a thing. I hear the advice about trying to make a welcoming, happy home with a wife he can confide in where he can trust, and that just…doesn’t work. He’s just not motivated by my suffering, and if I tell him I’m suffering he tells me not to nag. For the first part of our relationship and early marriage I did just be quiet, thinking it was all me, but I know better now. What I want is not unreasonable.

I think I’m going to tell him tonight that I don’t care how much he doesn’t want to go, but he has to go to counseling. He has refused over and over again saying all our issues are my issues, and I don’t deny I’ve had them, but I feel like I’ve matured and grown a lot, in great part due to good therapy, while he’s still in the same place. I can’t make him grow up or care about his family. But I don’t have to tolerate it and it sets a horrible example for our boys on how a man should treat a wife.

 

[Xantippe]

So, I decided to revisit this thread because even though I thought we started off the school year strong, we are now doing worse than ever. I decided to talk with him and he took it very, very badly, and has essentially retreated only into work and blogging. He doesn’t emotionally engage with me or the kids. I’m quoting my own post because I really think this is the crux of it. He hates it when I suggest he’s not perfect - no matter how sweetly, respectfully, or kindly I do it. I framed it in terms of what I needed, not being accusatory, and his response was to tell me I was ridiculous, he wouldn’t comply, and then to be emotionally unavailable.

He’ll crack light jokes and be polite at home, but as soon as there’s a whiff of something being expected of him he’ll just “shut off” again.

Honestly, I’m too tired to deal with this stuff. If he has major stresses or worries he refuses to tell me about them. I could kill myself trying to be helpful and kind and nice to him, and it wouldn’t change a thing. I hear the advice about trying to make a welcoming, happy home with a wife he can confide in where he can trust, and that just…doesn’t work. He’s just not motivated by my suffering, and if I tell him I’m suffering he tells me not to nag. For the first part of our relationship and early marriage I did just be quiet, thinking it was all me, but I know better now. What I want is not unreasonable.

I think I’m going to tell him tonight that I don’t care how much he doesn’t want to go, but he has to go to counseling. He has refused over and over again saying all our issues are my issues, and I don’t deny I’ve had them, but I feel like I’ve matured and grown a lot, in great part due to good therapy, while he’s still in the same place. I can’t make him grow up or care about his family. But I don’t have to tolerate it and it sets a horrible example for our boys on how a man should treat a wife.

That’s really too bad.

How long has he been at the new job?

I suggest trying to make some progress on this soon, as you don’t want something to blow up (like you!) over Thanksgiving or Christmas.

Good luck!

 

[Convert_in_99]

I’m sorry you are having more marital struggles. :console: I will pray that he becomes open to discussing these issues with a third party.

Have you asked if he would be open to talking with a priest instead of a professional therapist? Sometimes people get really defensive about not needing a “mental health” professional to intervene.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

So, I decided to revisit this thread because even though I thought we started off the school year strong, we are now doing worse than ever. I decided to talk with him and he took it very, very badly, and has essentially retreated only into work and blogging. He doesn’t emotionally engage with me or the kids. I’m quoting my own post because I really think this is the crux of it. He hates it when I suggest he’s not perfect - no matter how sweetly, respectfully, or kindly I do it. I framed it in terms of what I needed, not being accusatory, and his response was to tell me I was ridiculous, he wouldn’t comply, and then to be emotionally unavailable.

He’ll crack light jokes and be polite at home, but as soon as there’s a whiff of something being expected of him he’ll just “shut off” again.

Honestly, I’m too tired to deal with this stuff. If he has major stresses or worries he refuses to tell me about them. I could kill myself trying to be helpful and kind and nice to him, and it wouldn’t change a thing. I hear the advice about trying to make a welcoming, happy home with a wife he can confide in where he can trust, and that just…doesn’t work. He’s just not motivated by my suffering, and if I tell him I’m suffering he tells me not to nag. For the first part of our relationship and early marriage I did just be quiet, thinking it was all me, but I know better now. What I want is not unreasonable.

I think I’m going to tell him tonight that I don’t care how much he doesn’t want to go, but he has to go to counseling. He has refused over and over again saying all our issues are my issues, and I don’t deny I’ve had them, but I feel like I’ve matured and grown a lot, in great part due to good therapy, while he’s still in the same place. I can’t make him grow up or care about his family. But I don’t have to tolerate it and it sets a horrible example for our boys on how a man should treat a wife.

I am so sad to read this. You are right, counseling is a must. If he doesn’t go, you go. I’m rooting for you. I really was surprised to read this today. I think it really shows that this isn’t just a guy who likes sports but rather this is a serious problem. I go tthink I viewed it that way before. Good luck!

 

[kptrs]

I am so sad to read this. You are right, counseling is a must. If he doesn’t go, you go. I’m rooting for you. I really was surprised to read this today. I think it really shows that this isn’t just a guy who likes sports but rather this is a serious problem. I go tthink I viewed it that way before. Good luck!

I’m really surprised to read this, too. Very surprised. Has he always treated you like this? This is pretty bad.

Yes, counseling is a must. As someone mentioned up thread, if he thinks there’s a stigma attached to seeking help from a mental health professional, maybe you two can go see a priest.

I guess I’m kind of cringing because he sounds a lot like my father. I know all too well how it is to have someone not be able to handle any suggestion that he is not perfect, and yes, not being able to handle that you’re not perfect is definitely the crux of the matter, the root of any other issues. Have you ever gotten a sincere apology from him? Or does he always go on the defense and then withdraw emotionally? I also know all too well the emotional withdrawal and being told one is “ridiculous” or just generally at fault for having expectations.

Please keep us posted. I’ll be thinking of you, dear. :console:

 

[cradlecatholic5]

I’m so saddened to read this … sounds like you are living the “singles married lifestyle”

Please at least check out the website RETROUVAILLE - a lifeline for hurting marriages.

RETROUVAILLE helped save our marriage.

Keeping you in my prayers.

-K

 

[pensmama87]

That’s really too bad.

How long has he been at the new job?

I suggest trying to make some progress on this soon, as you don’t want something to blow up (like you!) over Thanksgiving or Christmas.

Good luck!

About six months. He has taken on a few new responsibilities and there’s a new, time-consuming project with a lot of late nights. But we’ve had patches like that in the past and I feel like we got through them much better than we are now.

Really, I stay at home now, he’s at work less time overall, and we are not financially squeezed like we used to be, so I’m really shocked that it’s going so badly.

I’m sorry you are having more marital struggles. :console: I will pray that he becomes open to discussing these issues with a third party.

Have you asked if he would be open to talking with a priest instead of a professional therapist? Sometimes people get really defensive about not needing a “mental health” professional to intervene.

I’m familiar with that mentality. It bugs me because apparently it’s okay for me to be a “head case,” but not him. I’m not sure how he would feel about one of our priests because we’re pretty involved in the parish and he really likes being the “perfect family man” to others. But I will still ask. I may be surprised.

I am so sad to read this. You are right, counseling is a must. If he doesn’t go, you go. I’m rooting for you. I really was surprised to read this today. I think it really shows that this isn’t just a guy who likes sports but rather this is a serious problem. I go tthink I viewed it that way before. Good luck!

Thank you! I agree that sports are the symptom, not the underlying issue.

 

[pensmama87]

I’m really surprised to read this, too. Very surprised. Has he always treated you like this? This is pretty bad.

Yes, counseling is a must. As someone mentioned up thread, if he thinks there’s a stigma attached to seeking help from a mental health professional, maybe you two can go see a priest.

**I guess I’m kind of cringing because he sounds a lot like my father. I know all too well how it is to have someone not be able to handle any suggestion that he is not perfect, and yes, not being able to handle that you’re not perfect is definitely the crux of the matter, the root of any other issues. Have you ever gotten a sincere apology from him? Or does he always go on the defense and then withdraw emotionally? I also know all too well the emotional withdrawal and being told one is “ridiculous” or just generally at fault for having expectations. **

Please keep us posted. I’ll be thinking of you, dear. :console:

As far as sincere apologies, these sorts of experiences make it very tempting to go through all of them in the past and re-evaluate. I’m not sure it’s very healthy for me to do that. My guess is that many of them were not entirely sincere at the time they were made, but that overall DH was improving and trying harder, and the progress was enough. But he keeps his emotions to himself for the most part. He’s very hard to read beyond “pleased” and “not pleased.”

Interestingly, it’s occurred to me that he does in fact share a lot in common with my own father, who is also emotionally withdrawn except when he throws absolute fits of temper, which in my childhood was very frequent. DH does not do that, but pretty much everything else fits my dad. Which of course ticks me off because I remember thinking I would not marry a man who would disrespect his wife the way my father disrespects my mother, and yet here we are. My mother is resigned to it, but I don’t have the personality to do that and I don’t think I should.