When to Discuss Contentious Issues With Your Spouse

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cradlecatholic5 said:
I’m so saddened to read this … sounds like you are living the “singles married lifestyle”

Please at least check out the website RETROUVAILLE - a lifeline for hurting marriages.

RETROUVAILLE helped save our marriage.

Keeping you in my prayers.

-K
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Thank you! I’ve heard of Retrouvaille but I had forgotten about it. I think something like this might be our best bet, really - it’s not anybody we know, it’s intensive, it’s several days. We could probably get someone to babysit (the only thing is what we would tell them, of course. :rolleyes:)

There aren’t any in our region until January at the earliest, which makes me a bit nervous, but really this would be very good. Just have to figure out what to do until then (and I will still suggest counseling either from a therapist or priest.)
 
pensmama87 said:
Thank you! I’ve heard of Retrouvaille but I had forgotten about it. I think something like this might be our best bet, really - it’s not anybody we know, it’s intensive, it’s several days. We could probably get someone to babysit (the only thing is what we would tell them, of course. :rolleyes:)

There aren’t any in our region until January at the earliest, which makes me a bit nervous, but really this would be very good. Just have to figure out what to do until then (and I will still suggest counseling either from a therapist or priest.)
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You could simply tell them your going away for a weekend. If they ask where just say “it’s a secret” and act mysterious about it. Kinda like a private place between just the two of you. If they are noisier beyond that it’s tough tookies for them.

ETA: How about trying to talk to a priest outside of your regular parish? Know any that you have liked meeting from other parishes or diocese functions?
 
No Retrouvaille - because “what about playoffs?” :mad:

I could scream.
 
pensmama87 said:
Thank you! I’ve heard of Retrouvaille but I had forgotten about it. I think something like this might be our best bet, really - it’s not anybody we know, it’s intensive, it’s several days. We could probably get someone to babysit (the only thing is what we would tell them, of course. :rolleyes:)

There aren’t any in our region until January at the earliest, which makes me a bit nervous, but really this would be very good. Just have to figure out what to do until then (and I will still suggest counseling either from a therapist or priest.)
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Do you have a big anniversary coming up? 10, 15, a prime number?
 
pensmama87 said:
No Retrouvaille - because “what about playoffs?” :mad:

I could scream.
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😦 :console: I’m so sorry! I think you need to tell a priest. If his “perfect” husband image is “tarnished” cause of it then so be it! The priest will be confidential about it, it will just be messing with his mental image.
 
Praying for you, DH, and family!! Have faith something good will come out of this.

God Bless You.
 
pensmama87 said:
Thank you! I’ve heard of Retrouvaille but I had forgotten about it. I think something like this might be our best bet, really - it’s not anybody we know, it’s intensive, it’s several days. We could probably get someone to babysit (the only thing is what we would tell them, of course. :rolleyes:)

There aren’t any in our region until January at the earliest, which makes me a bit nervous, but really this would be very good. Just have to figure out what to do until then (and I will still suggest counseling either from a therapist or priest.)
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My understanding that Retrovaile is for very serious marital issues, like infidelity. DH and I were told this by our counselor (Catholic) and by the leader for Marriage Encounter.

We did a marriage encounter, it’s just a weekend. We haven’t kept up with the exercises though. (There are daily dialogues, we haven’t kept up with them…😊 we should though)
 
My understanding that Retrovaile is for very serious marital issues, like infidelity. DH and I were told this by our counselor (Catholic) and by the leader for Marriage Encounter.
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Not true … doesn’t need to be your are ready for divorce.

If you feel something is missing from your marriage …

It’s for COMMUNICATION.

It’s for couples who want to WORK on their marriages.

We’re all in different stages …

4 Stages of Marriage

There are 4 Stages of Marriage: (1) Romance, (2) Disillusionment, (3) Misery, and (4) Awakening. Due to the high divorce rate many couples never make it to the 4th Stage of Awakening.

Romance
Most are familiar with the 1st Stage of Romance. Life was so wonderful we couldn’t stand to live without the other. Our thoughts often turned to the other when we were not with them. We had fallen in love and knew that this was the person we wanted to spend the rest of our life with. Little differences between us were cute and endearing.

**Disillusionment **

At some point those little differences started to annoy us. We felt bothered by some of those same things that may have been cute a short time earlier.

The self-talk in the back of our mind started wondering why our spouse couldn’t be more like us.

We had entered into the 2nd Stage of Marriage, the Disillusionment Stage.

During the Disillusionment Stage we start to realize that our spouse is not the perfect person that we had envisioned him or her to be.

Sometimes, especially if our Romance Stage had been particularly intense, we are hurt deeply by this Disillusionment.

We realize that the expectations we had of the perfect marriage were not going to happen. For some this realization is too heart wrenching and they give up on the marriage and divorce during this 2nd Stage of Disillusionment.

Misery
Many people stick with and try to work through their problems during Disillusionment.

They seek the counsel of family, friends, clergy and marriage family counselors. Some of these people find the key they are looking for from these resources. Many others continue to struggle and their troubles worsen.

Often the marriage deteriorates more deeply due to drug, alcohol or other addictions. Sometimes a third party relationship in the form of extramarital affairs result. As the couple finds themselves in this 3rd Stage of Marriage they know they have entered the Misery Stage.

The Misery Stage is where many couples find themselves considering a marriage separation or divorce.

When children are involved this 3rd Stage of Misery is particularly difficult on them. Regardless of whether the couple stays together in misery or divorce the children often believe it is their fault regardless of assurances to the contrary.

The effects of divorce on a child cannot be over emphasized.

The pain is so intense during the Misery Stage that it is common to only want it to STOP.

Much like the pain of a toothache that consumes your whole being you cannot seem to think of anything else besides stopping the pain. One spouse may be pushing hard for the divorce while the other wants to stop divorce.

If the couple ends the marriage at this point and remarry other partners they are more likely to experience the effects of divorce with their second or third spouse.

Awakening
Most people whose marriages end in divorce are not bad people.

Rather, they are often people who never learned the proper tools for a happy marriage. This is where Retrouvaille (pronounced re-tro-vi with a long i.) can help.

Teams of couples who have experienced all 4 Stages of Marriage present the Retrouvaille program. Instead of giving up they found solutions.

In Retrouvaille they learned the tools they needed to live a happy marriage. They learned that marriage does not follow the Romance and Happily Ever

After formula portrayed in literature and media. Rather, they learn that there are certain learnable skills, attitudes and tools that they can use to deal with the inevitable problems of the real world.

These skills, attitudes and tools give them what they need to move from the 3rd Stage of Misery into the 4th Stage of Awakening.

Whether you are in the Disillusionment Stage grieving the loss of that magical Romance or if you have moved firmly into the Misery Stage

Retrouvaille can give you the marriage help you need to rebuild your marriage. Many tens of thousands of couples have turned their marriages around by giving this program a chance.

Can you save your marriage by attending and working the Retrouvaille program? You will never know until you try.

Call the phone number or send an email to the caring Retrouvaille volunteers in your area. Ask them those tough questions that keep nagging at you in the back of your mind.

The people answering the phone or responding to your email are people just like you who have been there and pushed through to the 4th Stage of Awakening. They will be able to relate to your feelings of hopelessness and loss. They will do their best to give you the answers you need about this program.

Be assured that all contacts are held in the strictest confidence.
 
Mary_Gail_36 said:
My understanding that Retrovaile is for very serious marital issues, like infidelity. DH and I were told this by our counselor (Catholic) and by the leader for Marriage Encounter.

We did a marriage encounter, it’s just a weekend. We haven’t kept up with the exercises though. (There are daily dialogues, we haven’t kept up with them…😊 we should though)
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I know nothing of either program except for what I’ve seen on CAF and heard on Catholic radio but what you are saying doesn’t make sense. Are you saying that we know Evernote who does retro, has a cheater in their midst?
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
I know nothing of either program except for what I’ve seen on CAF and heard on Catholic radio but what you are saying doesn’t make sense. Are you saying that we know Evernote who does retro, has a cheater in their midst?
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No. I was told that retrovaille was geared towards more serious problems, like infedility. It doesn’t have to be infedility. It could be “I can’t take one more minute”

But it might be totally be dependent on my area.

My response was really just giving the option for Marriage Encounter.
 
Mary_Gail_36 said:
No. I was told that retrovaille was geared towards more serious problems, like infedility. It doesn’t have to be infedility. It could be “I can’t take one more minute”

But it might be totally be dependent on my area.

My response was really just giving the option for Marriage Encounter.
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I would think the op’s situation could qualify as serious. The husband refuses help.

I doubt “help light” is warrented.

You are probably just pointing out an easier option. Which might be helpful but it is coming accross as telling the op NOT to bother with retro, because it’s just not that serious. If you have followed the thread… It’s become serious.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
I would think the op’s situation could qualify as serious. The husband refuses help.

I doubt “help light” is warrented.

You are probably just pointing out an easier option. Which might be helpful but it is coming accross as telling the op NOT to bother with retro, because it’s just not that serious. If you have followed the thread… It’s become serious.
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My husband and I went through a really rough time a few years back during the last few months he had cancer and the first 6 or so he was in remission. I mean, it was ugly and spiteful and I cried a lot and he yelled a lot. I’m not even sure why, I think it was just the strain of our invalid/caretaker dynamic from the last year and trying to get back to a normal. We were desperate by the time we went.

The counselor was so surprised that we were in her office and we both wanted to make it work. Normally, by the time a couple goes to counseling, only one person wants to save the relationship. We just wanted help to stop talking past each other and start relating again.

Within a few sessions, we were a million percent better. We would go first thing Sat morning, then go have breakfast and talk after too. After 3 sessions, we dropped down to every other week. After 3 more, we were done.

Both of us walked away thinking it was a great experience and we both recommend it to people. I think counseling is so disparaged because it’s often recommended as a way to get a third party involved to back you up against your spouse. It can’t be treated that way or it breeds resentment. You can’t say “You spend too much time on sports and since you don’t believe me, we have to go to counseling to help you see reason”. It has to be out of a genuine desire to understand each other better. She has to be as willing to listen and adjust as she hopes he is (not saying Pensmama wouldn’t be!)

In short, get any form of marital help or counseling that fits your goals and values. But don’t do it punitively, and don’t wait until the relationship is essentially over to seek help.
 
How are you doing these days Pensmama? Any updates? :confused:

:console: :hug3: :gopray2:
 
Thanks all.

Things are still not great. DH agrees that we need help but keeps coming up with reasons why specific steps or plans of action just don’t work. It’s infuriating, because he can then look agreeable to change but not end up actually changing anything. If I were on the outside of this, I know I’d be able to say, “Well, pensmama, then you need to do x or y to get his bottom moving or at least make him know that you mean business,” but in the situation it’s hard for me to see what to do or what to feel besides helplessness.

I know that I can’t put this all on him. I’ve been backsliding too into old bad habits. The past couple of weeks I’ve been making sure I go to bed early, taking good care of myself physically, etc. and that has helped a lot with my outlook and ability to care for the kids and the home. But that doesn’t help me with DH. Part of me just wants to give up. Not to separate, but just keep on sharing living space. DH seems mostly content with it. I don’t seem to have much I can do to make him want to change, and anyway he’s not using drugs or pornography, blowing tons of money on anything, etc. He just…doesn’t seem interested in his own wife and kids. I can’t make him and he doesn’t seem particularly inclined to try. 🤷
 
pensmama87 said:
Thanks all.

Things are still not great. DH agrees that we need help but keeps coming up with reasons why specific steps or plans of action just don’t work. It’s infuriating, because he can then look agreeable to change but not end up actually changing anything. If I were on the outside of this, I know I’d be able to say, “Well, pensmama, then you need to do x or y to get his bottom moving or at least make him know that you mean business,” but in the situation it’s hard for me to see what to do or what to feel besides helplessness.

I know that I can’t put this all on him. I’ve been backsliding too into old bad habits. The past couple of weeks I’ve been making sure I go to bed early, taking good care of myself physically, etc. and that has helped a lot with my outlook and ability to care for the kids and the home. But that doesn’t help me with DH. Part of me just wants to give up. Not to separate, but just keep on sharing living space. DH seems mostly content with it. I don’t seem to have much I can do to make him want to change, and anyway he’s not using drugs or pornography, blowing tons of money on anything, etc. He just…doesn’t seem interested in his own wife and kids. I can’t make him and he doesn’t seem particularly inclined to try. 🤷
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Maybe try asking him, “What do you think a good, involved dad’s weeknight schedule would look like?” and ask him to help you write up what the ideal night looks like. Not as an actual plan for what every night has to look like (stuff comes up) but as an ideal to work toward.

It sounds like he’s probably really needing more down time with his new job, but blocking out 5:30-his bedtime as “me time,” which is not acceptable or sustainable long term. Parents of three little kids do not get that kind of “me time” unless they don’t live with their children and they microwave all their meals.

You might also ask him what a reasonable work schedule for you looks like.

If I were you and he doesn’t make any forward movement between now and Christmas, I would start figuring out how to squeeze monthly cleaning help into your budget.
 
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