When to file a restraining order and over what?

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Corinne3

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I am contemplating filing a restraining order to have my husband kicked out of our home. If any of you have read any of my threads, you will know what I have been dealing with lately, well for 22 years, most specifically for the past 2. My h has been frequenting strip clubs to see his favorite whore there, as well as dating her, calls/texts/secret phones he bought her, and himself so they could chat, etc. We have been separated 4 times in the past 2 years over it, and I am at my wit’s end.

I have asked him to please leave recently when I discovered another visit to the strip club, which he thinks is no big deal. He tells me if I don’t want to live with him, I should move.

He has never hit me ever, and is not a violent man at all, towards me or our kids.

Do I even have any basis for filing this or not?

If there any persons in the legal community who can assist me here, I would really appreciate it.

It is not that bad, as far as danger to my kids, horrendous-ness, etc. just I am soooo hurt beyond belief. I am not afraid of him at all, and neither are my kids. Know this.

Is being hurt beyond belief in your heart, over what he has done, a basis for filing a restraining order against my husband? Please answer me just based on this. And this alone.

I know I have grounds for an annulment, all in good time. Etc.

I just want to know if these are grounds, being so hurt for a husband’s infidelity, for such a severe action as a RO.

What do you think?
 
have you tried asking the folks at legal aid? they are there to answer any questions for FREE.
 
The purpose of filing a restraining order is to prevent physical and/or emotional abuse. You would have to talk to a lawyer to determine if his visits to a strip club consitute physical and/or emotional abuse. I believe this doesn’t warrant a restraining order. But I could be wrong.
Is being hurt beyond belief in your heart, over what he has done, a basis for filing a restraining order against my husband? Please answer me just based on this. And this alone.
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I don’t believe so. My mother and I had a restraining order against my father and it was for threat of violence because he actually put his hands on her. There were many women there who filed, and unless they could prove that she was a victim of violence or there was a threat of violence and/or harassment, the restraining order was not granted. I’d say out of 20 petitioners, 2 were rejected. All were able to actually prove violence had occurred or was there was a threat of violence. I don’t believe a broken heart is a basis for filing a restraining order.

You’ve said that he is not a threat to you, or your children, and that you are not afraid of him. Unless you can honestly prove that he is harassing you, that his presence in the home is deterimental to you or your children, I doubt you can get one. But you really need to talk to a lawyer. Him going to strip clubs may not be considered detrimental to your home, unless there is immorality blatantly paraded around the children, and from what you describe, that’s not what’s happening (unless I missed it in another post).
What do you think?
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I think you should file for a divorce and get temporarily awarded the house until it is determined in the final divorce settlement. Usually whoever has the children full time gets the house, even temporarily, and usually permanently. You usually have to prove that the other party’s presence is disruptive enough to warrant evicting him from the marital home. But I don’t think you have legal recourse to kick him out because he frequents strip clubs because he doesn’t bring his debauchery back home, and unless I missed it in another post, he doesn’t bother/harass you.

And a lot of states have homestead protection laws (mine doesn’t thankfully). In the previous state I lived in, my ex-step father was allowed to remain in the marital home until the divorce was settled even though he also owned a condo a few blocks away – due to the homstead protection act.
 
I think the appropriate place for this sort of issue would be with an attorney, not on an anonymous internet forum taking advice from complete strangers. Many counties offer free consultations with attorneys for 30-minute sessions, once or twice per month. Many attorneys also will provide free half-hour or hour long consultations. Or just call your court and ask for someone you can speak with in regard to restraining orders.
Good luck.
 
I’ve been following your posts for a while. I don’t think you can validly say he is harming you physically unless he’s trying to make you have sex with him. And from what I’ve read you relegated him to the sofa or guest room or something - by the way - good going there!
But have you taken some of the advice given previously and gotten your creditcards in your name and taken his name off of your checking/savings account and gotten that kind of thing in order? Have you begun keeping a log of what he’s done - what you’ve found him lying about, etc.? I have no doubt short of a miracle and him doing a 180 turn around that you two need to be seperated somehow - I don’t think he realizes how hurt you are and also how serious you are about his behaviour not being acceptable. I’m amazed you ddin’t kick his bottom to the curb already - Please get your affairs in order and get a lawyer. If there is any chance of saving this there is going to have to be a realization on his part that what he is doing is unacceptable behaviour and you won’t stand for it - he either shapes up or he ships out. Make sure you have a list of stuff going on so you can show it to the lawyer. You may even want to have someone go to the strip club to see just how far these “lap” dances are going. I know a lot of this is easier said than done but you’ve been dealing with this far too long - I don’t think he believes that you’ll actually do anything but tell him it’s not acceptable - actions speak louder than words - and your kids are seeing him treat you this way - that isn’t good either -
God Bless and Good Luck -
Rye
 
The best place to get advice is from a local attorney. Choices range from legal aid (depending on your income) or consultation with a private attorney. Many will provide a complimentary initial consultation.

That said, given the lack of physical violence or fear that there could be physical violence, it’s probably highly unlikely that there would be an order issued. I currently have an order of protection against my soon-to-be-ex, but in my case while there had only been verbal/emotional abuse in the past (prior to his arrest for rape), there was a threat he made to break my fingers (which is kind of serious to someone whose job depends on ability to type fast) if I touched “his money” and my fear that there would be retaliation because I did not bail him out of jail (he was released by judicial order after his victim didn’t come to the preliminary hearing, and now I’m waiting on the DA to get around to indicting him).

Best course is to consult with a lawyer where you are, but first figure out exactly what you want to achieve.
 
I know it’s against forum policy for members to seek or offer medical advice on these forums. For the excellent reason that you can’t possibly have the faintest idea of how well-educated in medicine the persons are who are giving the advice, so it could end up doing more harm than good.

Same goes for legal advice, even if forum rules don’t specify. Laws vary so much from place to placee, and so much depends on the circumstances as well. A qualified lawyer can not only advise you on what the law is in your area, they will make sure to ask for all relevant information from you - and in your information here you may end up not mentioning things that are highly important.
 
I really don’t think you can get a RO for the reasons you outlined. They are really only for preventing physical or emotional harm.

You are talking about an annulment, if the reason you don’t want to move out is financial, get a civil divorce. You can possibly get alimony and can claim the home in the divorce.

A lawyer would be able to give you better advice, so talk to one. Best of luck.
 
I did want to make one more note on this - again, not sure what the laws of your state are, but I was advised by someone I trusted once that I could file a restraining order due to harassment. It was something I didn’t realize was possible. But I’m not sure he’s really doing that - the bottom line is, you HAVE to start writting down everything - (I know you’ve been told this before) -but regardless of harassment, emotional or physical abuse start keeping track - please for your sake and the kids sake!
God Bless
Rye
 
Thank you everyone!

My h has never ever been physically or even emotionally or verbally abusive, unless I instigated it…sadly and sorry to admit. When I kept on his back asking him questions, etc. then he would call me a ***** or tell me to get the hell out of his face, etc. He never said a thing unless I was out of control, possibly drinking even, and just beside myself and engaging him first. When I found out about his stripper infatuation, I was devastated. Beyond belief. EVERY time we got in a fight, I instigated it, prodding and probing, begging for answers, for ANY emotion out of him. There was and is none. The sad thing is, now I realize this, he does not love me, and has fallen in love/lust with a whore, and his heart has come away from me and there is nothing I can do about it, except to get the hell out. I could not face this fact for the past 2 years, but now I am ready to. I want to leave him because of this, but I can’t due to finances and such presently. I am so miserable being married to an infidel who loves whores, strippers, even one in particular and not me, his wife of 20 years any longer. This is simply unfathomable to me, as I would never have done such a thing. Men are pigs I think. Sorry. They think with their dicks, and essentially have no clue about real love.

I rented the movie “Imagine You and Me” last night, and it broke my heart. Although I thought the outcome was not right and rather immoral, (a woman leaves her wonderful loving hubby for love at first sight with another woman), I was sad nonetheless. Why? because the poor husband said, because his wife fell in love with someone else and loved someone else rather than him. Even if she should not have. It doesn’;t matter. Well it does to me, because I am of the loyal sort, but many are not you see? And this is what my husband has done. He once said, "it’s impossible I marry _______, (the slut), because she has a boyfriend and I’m married.). But you see, he wishes it were not so. This is what hurts the most. Please pray for me, God gives me an escape from this torture.

Many today just flit about waiting for the next thrill to arise, then leave all their commitments, for it. In the movie they talked a lot about staying in the marriage out of guilt, and insinuated this is wrong, that you have to “follow your heart”. etc. I feel this is obviously NOT the Christian view. The Christian view of love is so different. We just do not live flitting about from one month to the next. Thank goodness. We do not live by our feelings, but rather, by our values. We love, we commit, we do it. Our heart stays true period. We are not swayed by our sick culture. Mine is not, don’t know about you all…But I was hoping my marriage would last forever. Now I know it will not.

Thx for listening.

Corinne
 
SOOOOO do you all suggest I say anything to my husband about it all, or simply get a job and move away? I have tried to talk and he just avoids it or denies everything. Which is sooo common with a sex addict…

I so badly want to tell him my feelings and get his, but he will not talk to me.
😦
 
Corinne - you got the same other answers on two other threads. Stop fooling around with the emotional and mental health of your children by prolonging this.

If you are leaving go get a lawyer either by legal aid on a sliding scale or contacting the bar associaion and finding out who is taking pro bono work or by checking with women’s advocacy groups in the phone book.

If you want emotional and spiritual support you should come here.

Yes it is hard but the answers aren’t going to change because you post a poll.
 
Just wanted to get an overall consensus of what folks thought were grounds for seeking to get and file a Restraining Order against one’s spouse. That is all. 👍

Of course I am seeking emotional and spiritual support. Why else would I be here?

I do know now, I really have no grounds at this time in trying to file such a legal document. My husband is not and never has been abusive in the least. He has always been a mellow laid back and sweet overall hubby, until he chose a slut over me and everything he has been doing. Having a broken heart does not warrant filing a RO, getting the authorities involved and essentially making things worse for your children. Thank you all. I see the results of the poll and it speaks loud and clear. Just was trying to get some semblance of opinion here.

Thank you all so very much.

I am feeling better these days, knowing God knows my future, and trying not to worry as much, rather just take the future as it comes, as it is revealed.

In S-Anon, they tell us not to snoop on our spouses, looking for details, proof, etc. That everything will be revealed, in time. I believe this now, where I didn’t before. Or I fought it. Things will turn out as they are supposed to. I know this now, and what a relief it is!

Thanks everyone for your heartfelt prayers. They mean so much. And I can feel them, because they have worked. My heart feels assured and restful lately. Thanks be to God.

🙂
 
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