When to get engaged?

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2.5 years and feel very called to get engaged. However, we are both sophomores in college and go to different colleges. My main concern is when the best time would be to get engaged??

The thing is:
we both go to different schools, but want to get married in my parish at home (we are from the same town).
We were thinking about getting engaged in the Fall of 2014 and getting married right after we graduate college. That would be a 1.5 year engagement. However, is that long enough for NFP classes, pre marriage classes, finding an apartment, getting all of our things together WHILE we are both two hours from home in different directions?

Also, my boyfriend is not Catholic, but is thinking about converting and I really think he will before we get married.

Would a longer engagement be better for us?
Part of me is worried because of our age (he’s 19 and I’ll be 20 in a month) but we feel so strongly about this.

Any advice? This all seems so overwhelming since we are so far apart.

Also, he will be trying to get into med school and we would like to be married before he would start med school (if he gets in right after undergrad). So May or June of 2016 we want to be married.

HELP
 
Your parents know you best, and may help you think about your options.
 
You should check with your parish to see when the marriage preparation classes are held, but in general, you will need six months in advance to prepare to be married in the Church. The timing of getting engaged is up to you but I would like to offer you something that I hope you will consider based upon my experience. I have been married to a non-Catholic for 41 years and there is one thing I wish we’re different, and I always have, that he were a Catholic. Raising our children in the Church by myself would have been a lot different if that were the case. Given the amount of time you have before you would ideally like to be married, and given his potential interest, perhaps concentrating on his coming into the Church and then going forward together might be one of the greatest things you two could ever do for your relationship and marriage. I will pray for you both.
 
Lincat said:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2.5 years and feel very called to get engaged. However, we are both sophomores in college and go to different colleges. My main concern is when the best time would be to get engaged??

The thing is:
we both go to different schools, but want to get married in my parish at home (we are from the same town).
We were thinking about getting engaged in the Fall of 2014 and getting married right after we graduate college. That would be a 1.5 year engagement. However, is that long enough for NFP classes, pre marriage classes, finding an apartment, getting all of our things together WHILE we are both two hours from home in different directions?

Also, my boyfriend is not Catholic, but is thinking about converting and I really think he will before we get married.

Would a longer engagement be better for us?
Part of me is worried because of our age (he’s 19 and I’ll be 20 in a month) but we feel so strongly about this.

Any advice? This all seems so overwhelming since we are so far apart.

Also, he will be trying to get into med school and we would like to be married before he would start med school (if he gets in right after undergrad). So May or June of 2016 we want to be married.

HELP
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IMHO, when you’re ready to set a wedding date, and book the Church. No reason for an engagement to last more than 6-12 months.

God Bless
 
You’ll just have to get down to business on school breaks, when you are both home, then.

I advise you to encourage him to convert before the wedding. Planning a wedding was more stressful than having my first baby; you don’t want to add another stress into the mix.
 
bilop said:
IMHO, when you’re ready to set a wedding date, and book the Church. No reason for an engagement to last more than 6-12 months.

God Bless
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Right on. My wife and I both had an understanding before we were married, if we get engaged, it will be for the mandatory 6 months. Engagement is after you’ve decided to get married.

To be fair, there are logistics which we didn’t have to worry about due to no $$ at the time.

Though I do recommend doing all you can with regard to mental preparation during engagement (Engaged encounters, other things, like meeting with a priest every couple weeks) Might as well go in with all knowledge you can get.

Maybe even pre-engagement meetings.

I should note, though mixed religion marriages can work, if he converts for the purpose of getting married: Caution, that should be a red flag more than a positive thing.

You might want to even scroll through all the ‘my husband doesn’t go to church anymore’ threads on this site.
 
It’s so great to read about someone in such a similar situation to me! I am 20 and my girlfriend is 21 and we both strongly feel to get married too. I think that you should definitely aid him in converting before getting married as after marriage this would case many problems. Furthermore, staying chaste before marriage is very important and with that in mind, maybe an extended engagement wouldn’t be a good idea…

Honestly when it comes to planning your life, I feel these are all obstacles which can be a hindrance to our vocation and we shouldn’t let them affect life decisions. Try and get your hands on a book by Ted Cunningham called “Young and in love: Avoiding the unnecessary delays of young marriage” , I recently finished reading it and it has acted as a great help with answers to many questions and troubles I had regarding getting engaged at a young age and somewhat unstable time.
 
Well, my husband and I lived four hours apart from each other while we were dating and then engaged. Our engagement was six months long. We fit in premarital counseling with the priest who would marry us on weekends. (The priest would have been willing to meet with us on the weekend anyway due to our circumstances, but it’s amazing how amenable a priest can be to a weekend meeting if you’ll take him out to dinner for it. 😉 ) I taught myself NFP from a book, and found it very easy. Wedding planning made it a REALLY busy six months, which was good in that our engagement absolutely flew past.

All that having been said, we were both in our mid-twenties, had been out of school for a while, and were self-supporting. I would suggest, pre-engagement, sitting down with a priest (preferably one who knows at least one of you already) and discussing the age thing. You are young by today’s standards for marriage, but you may be mature enough for it. No one here on the internet can really tell that. 🙂 The priest can also discuss conversion with your boyfriend, and also two very important topics: birth control/NFP and raising any children Catholic. If the boyfriend isn’t on board with Church teaching on both, I would strongly advise against marrying him unless he changes his mind. Read a few threads here in which one spouse is Catholic, the other isn’t, and the non-Catholic spouse doesn’t want to help with NFP or even use it, preferring to use contraceptives instead. Those threads are abundant, to say the least. It’s sobering reading, and should be considered before any such marriage takes place.
 
UbiCaritas said:
Well, my husband and I lived four hours apart from each other while we were dating and then engaged. Our engagement was six months long. We fit in premarital counseling with the priest who would marry us on weekends. (The priest would have been willing to meet with us on the weekend anyway due to our circumstances, but it’s amazing how amenable a priest can be to a weekend meeting if you’ll take him out to dinner for it. 😉 ) I taught myself NFP from a book, and found it very easy. Wedding planning made it a REALLY busy six months, which was good in that our engagement absolutely flew past.

All that having been said, we were both in our mid-twenties, had been out of school for a while, and were self-supporting. I would suggest, pre-engagement, sitting down with a priest (preferably one who knows at least one of you already) and discussing the age thing. You are young by today’s standards for marriage, but you may be mature enough for it. No one here on the internet can really tell that. 🙂 The priest can also discuss conversion with your boyfriend, and also two very important topics: birth control/NFP and raising any children Catholic. If the boyfriend isn’t on board with Church teaching on both, I would strongly advise against marrying him unless he changes his mind. Read a few threads here in which one spouse is Catholic, the other isn’t, and the non-Catholic spouse doesn’t want to help with NFP or even use it, preferring to use contraceptives instead. Those threads are abundant, to say the least. It’s sobering reading, and should be considered before any such marriage takes place.
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Very good point! It’s really nice to read about your experience and the way you made your relationship work despite the distance.

As for the age comment, I honestly think the idea that people are ‘too young’ to marriage is an ideal created by the world who believe promiscuity is right and marriage should be something to be done after ones ‘wild oats’ have been sown so to speak… I disagree strongly with this idea and although I think it’s important for maturity and a mutual faith, I don’t think age in itself plays a big factor when deciding whether to marry or not.
 
PeterCampbell said:
Very good point! It’s really nice to read about your experience and the way you made your relationship work despite the distance.

As for the age comment, I honestly think the idea that people are ‘too young’ to marriage is an ideal created by the world who believe promiscuity is right and marriage should be something to be done after ones ‘wild oats’ have been sown so to speak… I disagree strongly with this idea and although I think it’s important for maturity and a mutual faith, I don’t think age in itself plays a big factor when deciding whether to marry or not.
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Thanks. 🙂

As to the age thing, I agree with you–in theory. Age has only a loose bearing on the maturity of the person in question, but it’s easier to describe than maturity. The problem is that a lot of people of our generation have been brought up to be immature (I’m sure you’ve observed this phenomenon), so while the average 19-year-old in, say, 1950, was probably mature enough for marriage, I’d argue that the average 19-year-old today definitely isn’t. I know I wasn’t. That having been said, I have met a few who are, and I’m sure there are others, which is why I suggested having a priest who knows at least one of them fairly well sit down with the OP and her boyfriend, as he’d be a better judge of their maturity than anyone on here.
 
UbiCaritas said:
Thanks. 🙂

As to the age thing, I agree with you–in theory. Age has only a loose bearing on the maturity of the person in question, but it’s easier to describe than maturity. The problem is that a lot of people of our generation have been brought up to be immature (I’m sure you’ve observed this phenomenon), so while the average 19-year-old in, say, 1950, was probably mature enough for marriage, I’d argue that the average 19-year-old today definitely isn’t. I know I wasn’t. That having been said, I have met a few who are, and I’m sure there are others, which is why I suggested having a priest who knows at least one of them fairly well sit down with the OP and her boyfriend, as he’d be a better judge of their maturity than anyone on here.
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Couldn’t have said it better myself 🙂 Ted Cunningham highlights that point really well in his book about young marriage and says that in the late 20th century the idea of ‘adolescence’ as a phase of growing up was much more prominent. While as in the 1950s (much like you said) people were more likely to get to age 18 and above and take on the role of an adult whereas now many people prolong their teenage years and adolescence almost as if they’re stuck in between childhood and adulthood not able to let go !
 
A 1.5 year engagement is plenty of time to plan a wedding and complete marriage prep courses, etc. You can arrange to take care of things when you are home on breaks from college.

I disagree with the posters telling you to “get him to convert” before the wedding. This is something he has to do himself, not for you. I’d say if he is planning on converting already, definitely start the process, but if he is just thinking about it or unsure, don’t push him. Before you get engaged, you need to be okay with who he is now. If he doesn’t convert, do you still want to marry him? If you wouldn’t, then I’d advise taking a step back before getting engaged.

The time to have lots of serious discussions is before you get engaged, before he goes out and buys a ring. Talk about everything. Not just religion, but how will you support yourselves while he is in medical school? How will you support potential children? Do you plan to use NFP? Do you have student loans, and how will that factor in? These aren’t questions you should answer here, but things you need to discuss beforehand to make sure you’re on the same page before you start planning a wedding.

Personally, I would never have been able to be married right out of college, but I have family members who were and it worked fine for them and they have a lovely family now. Some people are mature enough and ready to build their lives together, and others need some time to get established in a career before they feel comfortable taking on the additional responsibilities of marriage and family.
 
Thank you for all the great advice! My boyfriend is definitely on board with Catholic teaching, birth control stances, and raising children. I will probably sit down with my mom who is very open to talking about this with me and maybe even move forward and talk with a priest.

Thank you all!
God bless!
 
Find out how much lead time your church requires for the wedding. In our bulletin, it says arrangements must be made a full year before the ceremony.
 
Lorelei12 said:
A 1.5 year engagement is plenty of time to plan a wedding and complete marriage prep courses, etc. You can arrange to take care of things when you are home on breaks from college.

I disagree with the posters telling you to “get him to convert” before the wedding. This is something he has to do himself, not for you. I’d say if he is planning on converting already, definitely start the process, but if he is just thinking about it or unsure, don’t push him. Before you get engaged, you need to be okay with who he is now. If he doesn’t convert, do you still want to marry him? If you wouldn’t, then I’d advise taking a step back before getting engaged.

The time to have lots of serious discussions is before you get engaged, before he goes out and buys a ring. Talk about everything. Not just religion, but how will you support yourselves while he is in medical school? How will you support potential children? Do you plan to use NFP? Do you have student loans, and how will that factor in? These aren’t questions you should answer here, but things you need to discuss beforehand to make sure you’re on the same page before you start planning a wedding.

Personally, I would never have been able to be married right out of college, but I have family members who were and it worked fine for them and they have a lovely family now. Some people are mature enough and ready to build their lives together, and others need some time to get established in a career before they feel comfortable taking on the additional responsibilities of marriage and family.
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+1
 
My experience includes many long-distance relationships among my friends, since I was in graduate school for more years than I like to admit. My experience has been that in absence of a confounding reason such as a military deployment or an overseas academic assignment that prevents a marriage, engagements of over 18 months are almost always either shortened before they are over or broken off at least once.

Get engaged when you’re ready to set your wedding date, and not before. Depending on what time of year you plan to marry and what venue you plan to reserve, that will be somewhere between a year and 18 months in advance.

Many parishes require a Engaged Encounter weekend prior to marriage. I would highly encourage you to go on one of those weekends far in advance of your marriage, and even in advance of your decision to be engaged. Part of the point of these weekends is to help you discern whether or not you’re as well-suited to each other for marriage as you think and whether you each share the same assumptions or are laboring under very different and incompatible assumptions. The time to find that out is when you can still comfortably part ways, not when you have to recall wedding invitations and give up your deposits.

My husband and I were somewhere between five hours or an airplane flight apart when we dated and prepared for our marriage. Two hours? If your car doesn’t burn oil, that’s nothing. That’s only about half an hour farther than some people’s *daily *commute. You can do it. 👍
 
We were engaged for 2.5 years before marriage due to being in two separate locations for college. At the time of our engagement, we were still students so couldn’t afford to get married and weren’t sure when we would get decent jobs and be able to support ourselves and a family. We were both extremely fortunate to become employed immediately. We didn’t set a wedding date until six months prior to the wedding though.

I must warn you - it might not pertain to your situation but nearly 7 years later, my husband regrets not “sowing his wild oats” so to speak. So maybe I’m not the best example.
 
bernadettefaith said:
We were engaged for 2.5 years before marriage due to being in two separate locations for college. At the time of our engagement, we were still students so couldn’t afford to get married and weren’t sure when we would get decent jobs and be able to support ourselves and a family. We were both extremely fortunate to become employed immediately. We didn’t set a wedding date until six months prior to the wedding though.

I must warn you - it might not pertain to your situation but nearly 7 years later, my husband regrets not “sowing his wild oats” so to speak. So maybe I’m not the best example.
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Your husband needs to be careful of the devil telling him that he ‘missed out’ on aspects of life and experiences because of this… sowing ones wild oats only leads to scars that often cause large sufferings later on and make married life in all harder …
 
PeterCampbell said:
Your husband needs to be careful of the devil telling him that he ‘missed out’ on aspects of life and experiences because of this… sowing ones wild oats only leads to scars that often cause large sufferings later on and make married life in all harder …
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Oh I agree. We’re in counseling to work on it.
 
bernadettefaith said:
We were engaged for 2.5 years before marriage due to being in two separate locations for college. At the time of our engagement, we were still students so couldn’t afford to get married and weren’t sure when we would get decent jobs and be able to support ourselves and a family. We were both extremely fortunate to become employed immediately. We didn’t set a wedding date until six months prior to the wedding though.

I must warn you - it might not pertain to your situation but nearly 7 years later, my husband regrets not “sowing his wild oats” so to speak. So maybe I’m not the best example.
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Long-distance college choices can be really rough. I saw it a lot among my friends because of course many college students don’t get into a graduate school that their intended can move to.

The “wild oats” thing really goes with having an exclusive relationship as much as with being literally engaged. Still, I think it goes more with the territory of retrospectively trying to blame ennui being felt in midlife on early life choices. The answer to that ennui lies in making good choices today, not in trying to go back and get a do-over. Remind your husband that he doesn’t have any of the bad consequences that wild oats can produce, either, and he’s not dead yet. As for the OP, she ought to talk about her current hopes and dreams with her boyfriend, and talk about his with him. If they can look back on life when they are older and say, “We talked about that, and decided against it, and this is what we enjoyed at the time because of those choices,” they might be spared some of the regret your husband is indulging in.
 
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