When to get married, from a Catholic prospective

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Nessie86

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I am in a terrific relationship with a gentleman I met on Catholic Match, one that I am endlessly thankful for. We both agree that we want to get married. Everything has been great so far, except for one thing: we’ve been struggling with chastity. This stems from childhood experiences, particularly on my end, and habit, so it’s been a tricky thing to get a handle on. We both want to be chaste, and keep trying, only to fall again. We are trying, once again, as we must. I feel like I would like to get married somewhere in the nearer future, with a major motivation for that being that Paul said it’s better to marry than to be living in sin. Having said that, understand that I would not marry this man simply to escape sin, because that could lead to a poor match and difficult marriage. I want to marry this man because of many, many other things. My question, then, is this: how long should we wait (or not wait) to get married? We have been together for four months now. If it were up to me, I’d like to be engaged around six months, and plan on being married within a year after that. Course, that’s not really up to me, because I’m not the one doing the proposing! But we have been discussing this. My beau is concerned about things like having a house and such before he proposes; he worries a lot about finances. Also, I think he is very afraid of divorce, or having an unhappy marriage. These things I think make him feel like he would rather wait a while longer for engagement and marriage. I am willing to wait, but I fear the longer we wait, the more we will be tempted, the more we will fall into sin, etc. And it’s really eating both of us up. My parents are not Catholic, so I am not able to go to them for advice, and my beau’s mother would have him wait 3-4 years at least, which seems awfully long. Does anyone have some advice for us?
 
Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse.

Hail Mary full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Please pray harder to stay out of sin and receive guidance!!! Say 1,2,3,4 most Holy Rosaries a day for the Pope’s intentions, the release of souls in purgatory, and conversions of sinners, particularly family and friends. Some breaches of chastity are mortal sins that put you in danger of hellfire. Go to confession regularly. Pray unceasingly the Our Father and Hail Mary, “Give us this day our daily bread…Lead us not into temptation…Deliver us from evil.” Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
 
I was told by a priest who I trust that an overly long engagement can be an occasion to sin, and I definitely experienced that in my own engagement. Certainly you shouldn’t just get married to “blow off steam,” but if you are otherwise ready and have discerned that you want to marry this man, then a 3-4 year engagement seems unnecessary. It’s good to be financially stable, sure, but it seems like “finances” turns into a vague reason to delay marriage indefinitely. Weddings do not have to be expensive, and there are lots of people out there who don’t own a house before they’re married.

Pray that you and your fiance will conquer your fears with the help of God’s grace.
 
I think length of the engagement is not nearly so important as is seeing how your relationship works in a variety of circumstances, both ordinary and non ordinary.

You want to know how things work when one or both of you is stressed or when you face family pressures. It’s good to know what he’s like when he’s busy, when he’s bored, when he’s happy, and when he’s angry. And he needs to know those sorts of things about you.

You’ve already learned that you might not be on exactly the same page when it comes to finances and the timing of marriage. Maybe you need to explore your views on money just a bit more.
 
You can’t possibly really know a person after only 4 months of dating. You need more time. So, how can you relate to each other without falling into sin? How about trying some old courting methods? Make sure you are not totally alone with each other in a private secluded place. Spend time with each other in the context of each other’s families. Make a commitment to each other that you will no longer be physical with each other at all, except holding hands, a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek. This can be done and you will not excite each other’s passions. I am trying to teach my boys to save their first real kiss for their wedding night. The 2 of you can go to confession–clean the slate and make that commitment. It will not be easy, but you won’t regret it. Stay away from occasions of sin! God will give you the grace, but you must pray for it, receive it and make wise decisions.
 
Go and talk to your parish priest. He will give you guidance. There is usually a 6 month period of “discernment” once you meet with him the first time to discuss marriage. Also find and read some of Christopher West’s books on the Theology of the Body and marriage and sex. This will help with the physical attraction and put it in the perspective of marriage.

Start or Keep praying the Rosary together. May God bless you with wisdom and courage.
 
  • Sexual involvement puts the blinders on to who the real person is…so the longer you keep up the sexual sin, the longer you need to wait to get engaged.
    There is a guarantee given by Janet Smith to marriages surviving if they follow her rules: -No artificial birth control- NFP only, Tithe 10%, attend Mass, pray at home together, and no pre-marital sex. If you have had pre-marital sex, you must wait 2 years before getting married (this is for her guarantee). There is a lot of wisdom in that…It allows all the harm done by the sexual involvement to unfold and be healed.
-In general, if a couple is mature and chaste, time isn’t an issue. The time spent in courting is to determine if there is a reason NOT to get married. Make sure all the dealbreakers are talked about at length early on. There is a lot someone can hide.

-The sexual sin, if you don’t get a hold of it, will manifest itself in other ways when married. You say its from the past…well, that past will come up with a vengence in other ways when you are married. HEAL the past. Offer yourself as a pure and Holy person loving the other even to the point of death. THAT is what love is.
 
agapewolf said:
  • Sexual involvement puts the blinders on to who the real person is…so the longer you keep up the sexual sin, the longer you need to wait to get engaged.
    There is a guarantee given by Janet Smith to marriages surviving if they follow her rules: -No artificial birth control- NFP only, Tithe 10%, attend Mass, pray at home together, and no pre-marital sex. If you have had pre-marital sex, you must wait 2 years before getting married (this is for her guarantee). There is a lot of wisdom in that…It allows all the harm done by the sexual involvement to unfold and be healed.
-In general, if a couple is mature and chaste, time isn’t an issue. The time spent in courting is to determine if there is a reason NOT to get married. Make sure all the dealbreakers are talked about at length early on. There is a lot someone can hide.

-The sexual sin, if you don’t get a hold of it, will manifest itself in other ways when married. You say its from the past…well, that past will come up with a vengence in other ways when you are married. HEAL the past. Offer yourself as a pure and Holy person loving the other even to the point of death. THAT is what love is.
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Thanks, that gave a lot of great advice. Thank goodness we have not had sex! We made a firm commitment to that one. But I will still take that part of the advice to heart and see that we do find a way to stop what we have been doing and allow time to heal. As far as healing the past, fair point. I have been grappling with that. I was molested (not horribly, but enough) by my own grandfather, and for some complicated reasons of mis- and non-communication between my parents, I was not really protected afterwards, and I am still strongly encouraged to see him on a regular basis. I have never had closure (he denied everything) and I am still angry about it. I don’t know how to forgive him–part of my feels like I shouldn’t have to! But I know that until I do, I won’t heal from it. I’ll have to work on that.

We have talked extensively about all kinds of things, especially dealbreakers; we are both very transparent, honest types of people and thought it best to make sure there weren’t any deal breakers really early on, because what’s the point of dating someone if you can’t marry them? I honestly think, because of all the talking we’ve done, that we know eachother better than some people who get married after two or three years together… but anyway… We have agreed on NFP only, he does tithe regularly (I tithe in the form of singing for mass, as I have almost no income at the moment), we go to mass together every week, and pray together and for each other often. So I guess we just need to conquer the chastity part.

One unfortunate thing is I have been told that I have to wait until Easter to be confirmed and enter into the Church, even though I have been baptized and have lived as a Christian all my life, and have studied the Catholic faith fairly extensively. So, I can’t yet go to confession or receive the Eucharist-- two of the most powerful weapons against sin! I guess I just have to trust God that He will provide.
 
Nessie86 said:
I am in a terrific relationship with a gentleman I met on Catholic Match, one that I am endlessly thankful for. We both agree that we want to get married. Everything has been great so far, except for one thing: we’ve been struggling with chastity. This stems from childhood experiences, particularly on my end, and habit, so it’s been a tricky thing to get a handle on. We both want to be chaste, and keep trying, only to fall again. We are trying, once again, as we must. I feel like I would like to get married somewhere in the nearer future, with a major motivation for that being that Paul said it’s better to marry than to be living in sin. Having said that, understand that I would not marry this man simply to escape sin, because that could lead to a poor match and difficult marriage. I want to marry this man because of many, many other things. My question, then, is this: how long should we wait (or not wait) to get married? We have been together for four months now. If it were up to me, I’d like to be engaged around six months, and plan on being married within a year after that. Course, that’s not really up to me, because I’m not the one doing the proposing! But we have been discussing this. My beau is concerned about things like having a house and such before he proposes; he worries a lot about finances. Also, I think he is very afraid of divorce, or having an unhappy marriage. These things I think make him feel like he would rather wait a while longer for engagement and marriage. I am willing to wait, but I fear the longer we wait, the more we will be tempted, the more we will fall into sin, etc. And it’s really eating both of us up. My parents are not Catholic, so I am not able to go to them for advice, and my beau’s mother would have him wait 3-4 years at least, which seems awfully long. Does anyone have some advice for us?
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My best friend and his wife of now almost 20 years dated for 6 weeks before deciding to get married (he had been divorced before, he dated the first girl/woman for 4 years, they were married for about 2).

Pray about it and you 2 decided based upon what you believe God wants you to do.

Joe
 
Nessie86 said:
One unfortunate thing is I have been told that I have to wait until Easter to be confirmed and enter into the Church, even though I have been baptized and have lived as a Christian all my life, and have studied the Catholic faith fairly extensively. So, I can’t yet go to confession or receive the Eucharist-- two of the most powerful weapons against sin! I guess I just have to trust God that He will provide.
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Actually, if you are already baptized and are attending RCIA to be fully entered into the Church, then you are required to go to Confession before your first Communion. So, although you may not be able to receive the Eucharist, but you are more than welcome to go to confession, or at least talk to a priest about your situation. (I’m not sure though if you need to be at a certain point in the RCIA process to receive the sacrament or not.) A good confessor will be able to offer you some great advice and insight into your situation, and give you absolution for your sins.
 
GracedUpon said:
Actually, if you are already baptized and are attending RCIA to be fully entered into the Church, then you are required to go to Confession before your first Communion. So, although you may not be able to receive the Eucharist, but you are more than welcome to go to confession, or at least talk to a priest about your situation. (I’m not sure though if you need to be at a certain point in the RCIA process to receive the sacrament or not.) A good confessor will be able to offer you some great advice and insight into your situation, and give you absolution for your sins.
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I did ask in RCIA if I could go to confession now, and the answer that I got was, no, because confession is supposed to be followed soon by the Eucharist, so I have to wait. I’ve seen a different answer elsewhere, but I guess that’s how they handle it in my parish. I suppose I could ask my priest if an exception could be made. It’s just all a bit intimidating, you know? I don’t want to question the authority of my teachers and such.
 
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