When to have children?

[mandajane]

I have a question, mostly about discussing the future with my FH.

When I grew up, my family used to joke that if you waited until everything was perfect, you wouldn’t have children ever.

So I’d always assumed that my FH and I would start trying to have kids once we were stable (even if we weren’t millionaires, or owned a home, etc). However, when we spoke about it last night, he was adamant that he didn’t want children until he was out of college, employed in a well paying job, and we owned a home. I was kind of shocked, and told him I wanted to pray about it and get some advice before we had a more serious discussion about it.

How have you handled this in your own lives? Besides surprise children, how have you determined ‘when’ to have kids?

 

[BettyBoop416]

Of course, we can’t tell you when YOU should have kids, but please make sure you and FH are on the same page before you walk down the aisle. Don’t just assume you are in agreement or that this will work itself out. Disagreeing about this very fundamental issue after you’re already married is a very big deal.

 

[Jeanne_S]

My closet experience re this issue is as it relates to one of my daughters. She will be married four years this July. Initially,they had planned to start a family within six months of their getting married. Then life happened.My son in law lost his job,just as the recession was starting.He found another job,sime nine months later in another state. Cost of living is significantly higher where they are now living. They are trying to live an authentic life,not spending more than they make…still haven’t purchased a home.Now my son in law is saying he didn’t work as hard as he did to get his masters degree,to live in an apartment with a baby.hevwants a house first!He is 37,my daughter is almost 36.I am really sad for her especially,because her hubby’s keeps putting her off.My suggestion is to be very clear with your intended,before marriage,or you may end up like my daughter. God Bless

 

[1SeekingChrist]

My wife and I have been married about 6 and a half months and, before we married we agreed we wanted to wait until we were married a year, then revisit it. If our situation just doesn’t seem like we can support a child then we will continue to wait; if we can, we will try to conceive. For you, I don’t know what ready means, but for us, as long as we can support ourselves and a child and still pay the bills, we’re happy. There is no way that 6-12 months from now we’ll have a house.

On the other end of the spectrum I have a good friend getting married in July and he and his wife-to-be are making sure to buy a house before they get married (living separately until the wedding day) as a major priority. They have had a very long engagement so they can do that.

The important thing is to be on the same page and to abide by what the church says regarding regulating births. You don’t want to use NFP as a form of contraception (or artificial contraception of course)

 

[aloe]

When I grew up, my family used to joke that if you waited until everything was perfect, you wouldn’t have children ever.

This isn’t a joke, it is a reality. And it has robbed many loving couples of the chance of having a child. By the time they are “ready” on their own time it is too late for them for a variety of reasons. Or sometimes they are never ready as one thing after another happens and before they know it the gift of fertility is gone. It only lasts so long. In some people it is shorter than others. Many women just assume they can have children whenever they want, this isn’t always true for a significant number.

How have you handled this in your own lives? how have you determined ‘when’ to have kids?

My DH also wanted to be financially stable before considering children. We had both graduated, had jobs, owned a home, that still was not enough for him to feel comfortable.
Sometimes it is a hard concept for responsible people to consider what a blessing a hypothetical child is and what a short gift fertility is during a marriage when society constantly stresses how much of a financial burden and expense a child is to their parents.

 

[Sillara]

My husband and I had been married about nine months when we started to think of having a baby. We had jobs, an apartment, and school debt from our undergraduate degrees.

We were pregnant by our first anniversary. I was 23 when I got pregnant, 24 when the baby was born.

Now we have a house, Master’s degrees, and six children. I am 37. I am also about to lose my fertility. Had we waited until now, we would not have had the wonderful children we have.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Well, I didn’t start dating until I was out of college and had a stable (relatively good paying) job. We had kids when God chose to bless us with them. Always seemed to happen around the times we had to move…

 

[Lovemyfaith]

My experience is babies, and young children, don’t really care about material things. It isn’t all that hard to live frugally with a baby. In other words, a small house, no vacations, and skipping restaurants never bothered any baby I knew.

My good friend and her husband were constantly putting off a baby a “year or two”. They wanted new cars, great vacations, a bigger house, etc. The Gyn. told them they had plenty of time. They started trying in their very late 30s, and nothing happened. They spent thousands on IVF and still nothing. They are now in their early 40s and I guess there isn’t going to be a baby.

My babies are now young adults and they are by far my greatest treasures.

 

[Ellyakamommy]

DH is very fond of saying that God provides the test before He provides His blessings. DH also says that if things happened the way he had planned it, his life would be poorer for it.

To speak to DH’s and my experience only, on paper, we didn’t have the $ to have children, but we remained open to the teachings of the church and to children. We conceived during the first cycle in our marriage. I got laid off. We welcomed the child, I became a sahm, and a job opportunity dropped into DH’s lap that provided for us. Job changes and/or job growth have been a part of every pregnancy so far. We’ve been able to purchase a van, go on a family vacation once a year, put money aside for retirement, and I’m working on the home economy so we can build our savings. We also live in a very high cost of living area. So having an increasing family on one income is a bit of a test and a witness of faith. Yet at the same time, every so often I’m convicted that we have no serious reasons to avoid, or a face is missing from around our table.

So, I’m a big believer in welcoming children. Since its your fiance and not me you’ll be discussing this with, does he have a financial plan for this solid job and home purchase that is compatible with your age and fertility? Has he spoken to a home loan officer to get an idea of numbers and what you can reasonably afford? Has he thought about how much abstinence will be part of your married life while you avoid conception and save?

 

[mandajane]

We spent a while talking about this today, and agreed to revisit the topic tomorrow, along with him joining me for my therapy appointment on Monday.

He wants children desperately, but his family has taught him since childhood that you can’t have them until you’re exceedingly wealthy.

As we’re only 26, normally I’d be all right with waiting a few years, but I have medical conditions which have caused the only OB I’ve had that I trusted (when I was in my early 20s) to tell me that pregnancies will be harder for me the older I get. Without going into too much detail, I’ll probably be required to go on bed rest for at least the last few weeks of my pregnancy. The older I get, the earlier I’ll have to go on bed rest.

I’d like to avoid that situation as much as possible, so I’d like children sooner.

 

[Barbra67]

Of course after mariage & accordingly to GOD’s will.

 

[aloe]

We spent a while talking about this today, and agreed to revisit the topic tomorrow, along with him joining me for my therapy appointment on Monday.
his family has taught him since childhood that you can’t have them until you’re exceedingly wealthy.
we’re 26, but I have medical conditions, the older I get the earlier I would have to go on bedrest
I’d like to avoid that situation as much as possible, so I’d like children sooner.

You are so wise to address this now. Later on include specific time lines (not just someday when we have a house and have graduated, this can get too vague and lead to more somedays). It would be good to visit concrete topics like budget planning and get to the root of what he is most concerned about material wise. He sounds like a very caring person who only wants the best for his future children and while that can certainly be appreciated there is a limited time window you have to work with.

In my case we both knew we wanted kids but we never discussed specifics. It only became apparent we were on different pages as the years passed. Each time I was willing to wait another year to really address my concerns, in hopes things would change. But guess what, each year something new came up, sometimes worse than the previous year, some years things got better but it still wasn’t enough. He wanted children but adamantly wanted to provide lavish opportunities for the child in large part due to his childhood. If I had patiently sit back and waited for him to feel 100% comfortable and the time to be 100% right we would not have children.

After over a decade I became pregnant at 30 and he still wasn’t completely ready. But he knew medically things were only going to get more complicated, costing even more money. It was a mistake to wait for a few reasons I won’t go into here. I will say by that time I also had 2 medical conditions which required a lot of bed rest, surgeries, shots, and significant complications which would not have been such significant issues had we started having children earlier.

 

[tafan]

I have a question, mostly about discussing the future with my FH.

When I grew up, my family used to joke that if you waited until everything was perfect, you wouldn’t have children ever.

So I’d always assumed that my FH and I would start trying to have kids once we were stable (even if we weren’t millionaires, or owned a home, etc). However, when we spoke about it last night, he was adamant that he didn’t want children until he was out of college, employed in a well paying job, and we owned a home. I was kind of shocked, and told him I wanted to pray about it and get some advice before we had a more serious discussion about it.

How have you handled this in your own lives? Besides surprise children, how have you determined ‘when’ to have kids?

If that is his time for having kids, it should also be his time to get married.

 

[28562]

My wife and I got pregnant unexpectedly on our honeymoon. We then decided to have more since we had gotten started already anyway and we wanted our kids to grow up close. It is a definite blessing that it happened that way. If it hadn’t, we would have had a house payment, two car payments, etc that would have forced my wife to work rather than stay home and raise our kids. We also would be used to a lifestyle (vacations, extra money, freedom etc) that would be difficult to give up so we could have kids.

Just a little food for thought…

We got married @ 19 & 21. Another benefit of having them young is that they will be out of college and on their own when we are still relatively young and can enjoy our life together.

 

[kerebos]

Another benefit of having them young is that they will be out of college and on their own when we are still relatively young and can enjoy our life together.

Anybody remember when the kids going off to college meant they were on their own?

 

[kerebos]

However, when we spoke about it last night, he was adamant that he didn’t want children until he was out of college, employed in a well paying job, and we owned a home. I was kind of shocked, and told him I wanted to pray about it and get some advice before we had a more serious discussion about it.

Out of curiosity, how long do you figure that will be? I don’t know what your situation is – is college just starting for him and that’ll be 5 to 7 years off, or is graduation coming up and it’ll be 18 months to 2 years? What were you shocked about?

Also, I think it’s a good idea to set more concrete goals rather than the nebulous “stable”. If you can check off “graduated”, “good job”, “own a house” you can then confidently say, “okay, now’s the time”. However, if you just want to be “stable”, what does that mean and how will you know that you’re there?

 

[SummerSmiles]

I have a question, mostly about discussing the future with my FH.

When I grew up, my family used to joke that if you waited until everything was perfect, you wouldn’t have children ever.

So I’d always assumed that my FH and I would start trying to have kids once we were stable (even if we weren’t millionaires, or owned a home, etc). However, when we spoke about it last night, he was adamant that he didn’t want children until he was out of college, employed in a well paying job, and we owned a home. I was kind of shocked, and told him I wanted to pray about it and get some advice before we had a more serious discussion about it.

How have you handled this in your own lives? Besides surprise children, how have you determined ‘when’ to have kids?

Well, I think there is some truth to that joke. If you spend too much time and energy focusing on what is *not *ready, then you’ll always be able to find something else that needs fixing before a baby comes.

The best advice I can give you right now is to have a good, heart-to-heart discussion with your FH. Be ready to define what you mean by “stable.” For some people that means what your FH is suggesting, for others it just means that he has a job that pays the current bills, and there is everything in between. The important thing is that you and your FH get on the same page about this subject. If you are not in agreement before getting married, you will still not be in agreement after tying the knot. Make sure you both have realistic expectations of how you will plan your family.

Also remember that the default for marriages isn’t practicing NFP; it is having children. If you find that you have a serious reason to avoid, then it is fine to use NFP, but if not then you should both be willing to accept children as God gives them to you. Catholic married couples are called to continually discern whether the time is right to have children. You might think that you want to wait until you own your own home (for example) and then find out that you desire a child before you’ve reached that goal. Just be willing to rethink things even after you think you’ve got your plans set.

For what it’s worth, my first two children were surprises. If you’d asked DH and I the day before we found out we were pregnant if we were ready for kids, we would have said “no.” Turns out God had other plans. Looking back, we were much more ready than we thought we were. Things turned out just fine for us, and I’m so glad we had those two surprises! We found out we didn’t need the brand new car, the new house, etc. And we found that babies don’t have to be nearly as expensive as society tries to make them out to be.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

We got married @ 19 & 21. Another benefit of having them young is that they will be out of college and on their own when we are still relatively young and can enjoy our life together.

A couple can still enjoy their life together if God decides to bless them with children when they are older as well.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Well, I think there is some truth to that joke. If you spend too much time and energy focusing on what is *not *ready, then you’ll always be able to find something else that needs fixing before a baby comes.

The best advice I can give you right now is to have a good, heart-to-heart discussion with your FH. Be ready to define what you mean by “stable.” For some people that means what your FH is suggesting, for others it just means that he has a job that pays the current bills, and there is everything in between. The important thing is that you and your FH get on the same page about this subject. If you are not in agreement before getting married, you will still not be in agreement after tying the knot. Make sure you both have realistic expectations of how you will plan your family.

Also remember that the default for marriages isn’t practicing NFP; it is having children. If you find that you have a serious reason to avoid, then it is fine to use NFP, but if not then you should both be willing to accept children as God gives them to you. Catholic married couples are called to continually discern whether the time is right to have children. You might think that you want to wait until you own your own home (for example) and then find out that you desire a child before you’ve reached that goal. Just be willing to rethink things even after you think you’ve got your plans set.

For what it’s worth, my first two children were surprises. If you’d asked DH and I the day before we found out we were pregnant if we were ready for kids, we would have said “no.” Turns out God had other plans. Looking back, we were much more ready than we thought we were. Things turned out just fine for us, and I’m so glad we had those two surprises! We found out we didn’t need the brand new car, the new house, etc. And we found that babies don’t have to be nearly as expensive as society tries to make them out to be.

We found out dh’s job and big paycheck we were expecting were gone the day we were flying back home from our honeymoon. 9 mo later we were blessed with a wonderful little 9.5 lb blessing.
Yeah, we’d prolly still be waiting for that perfect time… or for a very good time.

 

[mandajane]

Out of curiosity, how long do you figure that will be? I don’t know what your situation is – is college just starting for him and that’ll be 5 to 7 years off, or is graduation coming up and it’ll be 18 months to 2 years? What were you shocked about?

He’s already got one degree, but he’s had a hard time finding a job in that field, and while he’s working now, he’s decided he wants to go back to school and do ‘better’. So we’re looking at another 3-4 years at the minimum, so he can get another degree.