When to have children?

[anp1215]

He’s already got one degree, but he’s had a hard time finding a job in that field, and while he’s working now, he’s decided he wants to go back to school and do ‘better’. So we’re looking at another 3-4 years at the minimum, so he can get another degree.

He already has one degree, and he wants to wait until he gets another one? I think he’s waiting for a perfect time that will never come.

I sincerely hope you resolve this issue. My husband constantly flip flops about wanting kids. One day he thinks it would be nice to have kids, the next day we should wait. I say, wait for what? We own a home, are able to live on his income, have already been married three years, and in a few months I will be done with college. I asked him, “How much do you think babies cost? I’m confused as to what else we need.” And he said, “I don’t know. $40,000. Like by the time you bring them home from the hospital.”

That’s one expensive baby. I told him that they don’t cost that much, I don’t know where he gets this stuff.

 

[Lizzy21]

we got married fairly quickly after we met, we knew it was love at first sight…so we got pregnant with our first child six months after, we had our second in 2010. so we have a 5 yr old boy and 1 1/2 yr old daughter! we also were struggling at the beginning but we always seemed to manage. now God has blessed myself with an awesome job that I love and provide for our mortgage, bills, vacations, etc! finally after almost 7 yrs together. We are going to start trying for our 3rd child in a month or so on my next cycle. good luck and God Bless.

oh and another thing about the mortgage for a house, depending where you live you can find some good deals now with the housing market being in bad shape right now. you can probably find something for as much rent you pay.

 

[bearkatjen]

When someone is reluctant due to money, it’s best to tally up the costs of having a child (diapers, furniture, childcare, ect…) and see how to fit it into your budget. If it doesn’t fit, then figure out what you need to do to make it fit. That could be waiting until you finish college and are working full time. If you live in a small apartment and don’t mind an only child or a big space between children, then that might mean you don’t need to wait until you have saved up a down payment for a home. If you know you want a larger family, and you don’t have room for that family in an apartment, then that may mean holding off until after you are in a home and can accommodate a growing family. Figure out the real numbers together, and plan it out with your SO.

For my DH and I, we knew I wanted a baby before I was 30, and that we both wanted me to stay at home for at least a year. It made the most financial sense to have a baby after I finished my undergrad, while I was a grad student. My grad classes were hybrid, so I was able to be home with the baby. My in-school status kept our student loans in deferment. We could survive on one car and an affordable two bedroom apartment that could fit the three of us. I cloth diapered, and whatever we were not gifted from our generous families, we bought frugally. Had we waited until I finished grad school and owned a home, our living costs would have been too high for me to stay at home one year, let alone the three+ years I have chosen to stay home.

 

[Katie966]

It sounds like you both need to come to an agreement about what “stable” means, as a couple of other posters have said. Was his decision to return to school something he discussed with you, or something he decided on his own? By the time he graduates with another degree and finds a job, it could be over five years from now. Either you need to decide you’re okay with that, or he needs to decide to consider your feelings in the planning of your future together.

The thing is, the answer to the question of “when to have children” is different for everyone, depending on financial, emotional, physical, and other factors that are unique to a couple’s situation. And these circumstances change, too. It’s a month-by-month discernment process, so plan as you might it’s not something you can really always decide before you’re married. Anyone who isn’t prepared to accept a baby whenever it comes is not ready to be married. Also be prepared for the possibility that even if you decide you’ll use NFP for a period of time right after you’re married, you might find yourself being pulled toward motherhood even more. A lot of people (myself included) find that once you’re married and being intimate with this person you love so much, your reasons for postponing are constantly re-evaluated and your ideas of when would be a “good time” are not necessarily the same as they were before you were married. Discernment involves God’s time, and the graces of marriage do affect your heart. In the end it’s not about what either of you wants, it’s about continual discernment. That is what you need to be on the same page about.

 

[MomaMary8]

If he is not financially ready to have children, what makes him think he is financially ready to be married? How much will his next degree cost? How much will you spend to support him in this?

I have a 19 yr old with whom I often discuss these life issues. I often advise him to be financially stable before taking on the responsibility of marriage and family, but I always emphasize that marriage doesn’t come without children, so he better be ready for both when he finally decides to settle down. He also knows you don’t have to be rich to have children, and children do not need every bell and whistle under the sun.

As for my DH and I, we had our first the last semester of college for me and just before I entered graduate school. My graduate school was paid for, along with a stipend I received as a GA. My DH did not have to support my college costs. We were both 22 when our first was born and bought our first home at 24. It wasn’t a palace, but a nice home with a nice yard. We have since moved on, and are waiting for the market to turn to sell our current home and buy what will be our 4th home. Life is not static, and things change. Money comes and money goes. The one constant you can trust in, is the love children can bring. Urge your FH to be wise, but not stingy.

 

[GraceDK]

I have a question, mostly about discussing the future with my FH.

When I grew up, my family used to joke that if you waited until everything was perfect, you wouldn’t have children ever.

So I’d always assumed that my FH and I would start trying to have kids once we were stable (even if we weren’t millionaires, or owned a home, etc). However, when we spoke about it last night, he was adamant that he didn’t want children until he was out of college, employed in a well paying job, and we owned a home. I was kind of shocked, and told him I wanted to pray about it and get some advice before we had a more serious discussion about it.

How have you handled this in your own lives? Besides surprise children, how have you determined ‘when’ to have kids?

Well first you have to determine if you even can have children.
Many people wait severel years and are all settled and when they try to conceive nothing happens. Unfortunately I know more Catholic couples than I care to count who want to have children but who are infertile although at the perfect age for children, and its a growing medical problem all over the Western world. So I don’t know how old you are, neither do I know how much you want children. All I know is that people today shouldn’t take it for granted that they can have children. Many people cant, and if you are Catholic and infertile you need a long process of Church-accepted methods to figure out whats wrong and how you can get a child without resorting to illegitimate ways… Adoption takes years…
Anyway. Most people have nothing to worry about. Just give it some thought. Because I happen to know alot of such people, I wouldn’t marry a guy who wasn’t ready to get pregnant pretty soon after the wedding. Also… why be courting if one is not ready for family life?

 

[Musician]

Good grief. He has one degree and wants to get another one so he can find different work? I guess that could be understandable, but I sure wouldn’t want to wait 4 more years for a family.
I feel blessed that we had ours while I was so young, now I am a young grandmother of six blessings that I am able to enjoy! Not to mention my own children!
Children are wonderful blessings, not financial liabilities!

 

[bearkatjen]

We spent a while talking about this today, and agreed to revisit the topic tomorrow, along with him joining me for my therapy appointment on Monday.

He wants children desperately, but his family has taught him since childhood that you can’t have them until you’re exceedingly wealthy.

As we’re only 26, normally I’d be all right with waiting a few years, but I have medical conditions which have caused the only OB I’ve had that I trusted (when I was in my early 20s) to tell me that pregnancies will be harder for me the older I get. Without going into too much detail, I’ll probably be required to go on bed rest for at least the last few weeks of my pregnancy. The older I get, the earlier I’ll have to go on bed rest.

I’d like to avoid that situation as much as possible, so I’d like children sooner.

I didn’t see this post when I submitted my original comment. Your medical condition makes this a much more urgent situation. If he desperately wants children, especially more than one, then he really needs to re-prioritize his life goals. Put a hold on grad school, stick with the job he has, y’all should aggressively pay down any debt you have and scrounge up a down payment for a home, and start trying to conceive asap. You might get pregnant right away, but you might not, and to get more intervention/testing/referrals, you usually have to have been trying for a certain amount of time like 6 months.

You need to make it clear that at this point, the longer y’all wait, the more likely it is than you will not be able to bare a child. If he’s worried about money, well it’s a heck of a lot cheaper to have a baby than to adopt one.