When you don't WANT to follow God

[In_Training]

There’s tons of threads on here about swearing, and I’ve even put up a few over the past few years, but I choose this particular topic because it’s the most innocuous. Or the easiest one for me to actually talk about.

Since I was about 10, about 95% of my speech was profanity. I literally couldn’t get 1 or 2 sentences out without using F—ing at least twice. I’m in my late 20s now. I used to want to enter the seminary, so I was motivated to curb the habit significantly. I still slip, but very rarely, only a few times a week. I think what I’m realizing is, slipping aside, I do it on purpose. Because it makes me feel good. Which is normal, but my problem is that I don’t think I’ll ever voluntarily give up life’s simple pleasures, not even if I know it hurts God. I can’t describe how much this juvenile selfishness bothers me. Why would I continue to put myself first when I love God so much and feel so committed to listening to him and living by his word? I feel guilty for apologizing for things I know I’m gonna do again.

Before anyone jumps down my throat or calls me immature (I admit I am anyway), I really am committed. Though maybe not as disciplined as I should be. The priest at my church has been telling me for years that I do things on purpose, and I always denied it, but now I’m starting to think he might be right. I don’t understand how I could come so far and actually feel God in my life, and still serve my own interests over God’s. I curse because it feels good, and that apparently is more important to me than showing God I’m on his side.

I don’t understand how I can screw up this bad with something so simple. I used to be adamant that I knew what was best for me and it took me until earlier this year to finally let go and let God take over. I accept that my role is servitude and obedience, and those sound like bad words but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I don’t exist to serve myself anymore. And it’s the best feeling in the world. I just can’t believe I would throw something like that away because life’s little pleasures feel just a little bit better at times. Because, on the other hand, NOTHING feels better than knowing that God’s trusting me; I never thought I’d be blessed enough to be given God’s trust, ever. And instead of being grateful that it actually happened, I’m turning my back on him on purpose. I know I’ll be forgiven, but it makes me sick that I consciously throw it away. I’m so sorry.

How would you even begin to change a behavior like this? How in the history of the freaking world could I let this happen?

 

[fred_conty]

At least now you are trying to deal with the truth of your condition and not denying it. That is an important step. It is more important that one recognizes doing wrong than denying it because now there is a way to overcome it. Whereas before by denying it, there is no chance to overcome it.

So even tho you still do whatever you do that is against what you want to do, just keep praying to God to make you want to do what is right. I think it is a mistake to ask God to help you to do what is right for this implies God doing it for you. Asking for help to make you WANT to do it yourself, then that is the right direction. For once you WANT to do it yourself, you will find a way to do it. Your eyes will be opened and the desire to overcome it will happen.

Just keep asking God to help you WANT to do this and you will be surprised at the thoughts that will come to you. But just be patient, it may not happen overnight, but it will happen.

Blessed be God who comforts us in all our trials.

 

[Dorothy]

“In Training”,

If you do not already do so, ask our Blessed Mother to intercede for you.

Meditate on the Mysteries of the Holy Rosary.

I now have you on my prayer list.

 

[Joy2day]

What did St Augustine say?, ‘Lord, make me a saint, but not yet’. I believe he understood your dilemma. A not unusual one.

 

[christofirst]

There are proven ways of changing behavior. One that comes to mind is wearing a rubber band on your wrist and snapping it against your skin every time you utter a profanity. The slight sting creates a negative association with the swearing, so they say. Remember, the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak, and force of habit is powerful thing! I’m not so sure the problem is that you don’t WANT to follow God, but that you see tendencies in yourself (like swearing) that go against what we know God wants. But these habits can be changed.

Honestly too, there are worse things than swearing. My pastor when I was growing up and an altar boy was an old Irishman who was known to let loose with some salty language now and then. At first, I was scandalized, but later I learned that he had been an army chaplain during World War II, and picked up that language working with the men in the trenches. My 10-year-old’s righteous indignation turned into greater respect for him, and I was able to overlook his occasional slip of the tongue.

 

[midori]

I second “praying for the desire to change.”

Habitual sins aren’t easy to rid ourselves of. Being aware of them and having your eyes open is farther than a lot of people get. In the “Interior Castle”, St. Teresa describes people swamped by earthly things as being surrounded by poisonous reptiles, and starting off, are deaf and blind to them, as well as to the call of God from inside the castle. It’s only with grace and attention that you find the doors to leave them further behind you. If you remember the Toads and Diamonds fairy tale, you can morph the two bits of mental imagery together-- when you do something pleasing to God with your words, it creates an imaginary pearl or diamond to your credit; when you sin with your words, it creates snakes or salamanders.

 

[anytimequilter]

How about when I don’t know what he wants? I don’t get emails from God… that would make things much easier (I am not be a smart alec this is a real problem for me)

 

[Dorothy]

How about when I don’t know what he wants? I don’t get emails from God… that would make things much easier (I am not be a smart alec this is a real problem for me)

I believe that reading scripture and pondering it, for about twenty minutes a day can help a lot. God speaks in whispers, and I don’t mean a whispering sound that we can hear. He leans our thinking towards what He wants us to be doing, and how we should be praying.

There are other ways of praying as well, such as meditating slowly on the Rosary mysteries, and doing part of the Liturgy of the Hours.