When you find your significant other unattractive

[Xantippe]

1. It’s really hard to lose weight and keep it off.
2. You might still not be attracted to her if she did lose weight. Think of all the skinny women who are not attractive to you.
3. If she loses substantial weight, she will soon have many better options than you.

I totally disagree with this:

“What if he was to take your advice and dump her so she would be free to go find someone else to marry that was more physically attracted to her…and then her appearance changed…maybe her new man wouldn’t like her skinny if she did loose weight later, or what if she became disfigured? If physical appearance is so subject to change…why is it soooo necessary? And what is so bad about asking how he can ask her to make a change (a healthy one*) that also increases his attraction to her?”

I think a couple should at least start out passionately attracted to each other. If you do start with that, you can lose that passionate attraction, but if you don’t start with it, how do you get it? That’s nearly impossible. This wonderful woman deserves a man who loves her without reservation, and the OP is not that man.

Cut her loose OP. She deserves better than what you can offer.

 

[GO_FLYERS]

I am a person who trains allot and I have trained allot of people. What you’re saying will manifest itself in other negative ways sooner or later. I don’t like your clothes, cooking, tv shows etc: What would be a better approach would be starting off by taking hikes or walks together. Let her say she is tired and that her legs are sore. Then continue this and take longer hikes. Then suggest why don’t the two of us try eating a little better and picking our special work out time together.

The way your a pproaching your problen now will get worse and is not healthy. If you love her, don’t hurt her, help her to better health and you might find a new facet in your love. Couples that experience white water rafting, hiking, skiing etc create new bonds that last forever. Don’t look at it as a problem but a step up. No pun intended for step up classes.

 

[CRC72]

Join the gym together or join a Zumba class. This way you get to spend more time together, and you get to exercise! This the perfect way in which you can indirectly ‘kill to birds with one stone’- you get to know her more and more and you don’t have to tell her that you find her ‘overweight’. I hope that helps, in a way!

“Hey, what do you think about us joining a gym together?”

“What are you saying, that I’m fat? ARE YOU? ARE YOUUU?”

 

[Lorelei12]

The OP was asking advice on how to talk to his girlfriend about loosing weight, in hopes that it would increase his physical attraction to her with out being rude. I gave advice on that. I, nor any of us here, have enough information to recommend he dump her, or to pity her for their relationship, and the OP certainly wasn’t asking for advice on whether to continue or end the relationship.

If a poster says about his girlfriend that she is “physically unappealing” and that he does not even have any desire to be intimate with her, then yes, I think that’s enough info for me to be able to say he’s not being fair and leading her on. She probably thinks he finds her attractive, and why wouldn’t she? In the meantime, she’s also discerning marriage, and has presumably taken herself “off the market” in terms of dating- all for a guy who isn’t even attracted to her in the first place? Don’t you think she deserves to find a spouse who wants to be intimate?

I think a lot of yall are placing WAY too much emphasis on physical attraction. You think she should go find someone who is more physically attracted to her, you judge him for being interested in a life with someone where there is not a strong level of physical attraction…but as you yourself mentioned, physical attraction is fleeting, and subject to change.

There has to be a certain level of attraction to a spouse. Yes, attraction and feelings come and go, but who would advocate marrying someone you’ve never found attractive? I mean, what bride wants to walk down the aisle toward a guy who isn’t looking forward to the wedding night, and what guy wants to marry a woman he can’t admire in her wedding dress? Physical appearance changes over time, yes, and it’s certainly not the most important thing, not by a long shot. But God made us to be attracted to our spouses! It kind of helps, with marriage being ordered to procreation and all…

What if he was to take your advice and dump her so she would be free to go find someone else to marry that was more physically attracted to her…and then her appearance changed…maybe her new man wouldn’t like her skinny if she did loose weight later, or what if she became disfigured? If physical appearance is so subject to change…why is it soooo necessary? And what is so bad about asking how he can ask her to make a change (a healthy one*) that also increases his attraction to her?

If she went and found someone who was attracted to her more than the OP, and they married, and she gained or lost weight, he’d likely still be attracted to her overall. I used to be a couple sizes skinnier when my husband and I met, but he is still very much attracted to me. Attraction is complex, but it has to be there on some level.

And, making healthy changes together is fine. However, the OP didn’t come here asking “How can I encourage my girlfriend to be healthy? She’s overweight, and I want to be with her forever”. Instead, he said “My girlfriend is overweight and unattractive, and I don’t desire her, so how can I tell her to lose weight for me?” Not the same thing. As I said before, if he’s not attracted to her, that’s how it is. Nothing wrong with that at all. It’s not shallow, and he shouldn’t feel bad for not being attracted to her. But what he should not be doing is keeping her around because she’s an otherwise great girl, making her believe he finds her attracted and is discerning marriage, when in fact he has no desire. That’s leading her on, and I don’t know any woman who aspires to marry someone who thinks she’s a great person but isn’t attracted to her.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

If a poster says about his girlfriend that she is “physically unappealing” and that he does not even have any desire to be intimate with her, then yes, I think that’s enough info for me to be able to say he’s not being fair and leading her on. She probably thinks he finds her attractive, and why wouldn’t she? In the meantime, she’s also discerning marriage, and has presumably taken herself “off the market” in terms of dating- all for a guy who isn’t even attracted to her in the first place? Don’t you think she deserves to find a spouse who wants to be intimate?

There has to be a certain level of attraction to a spouse. Yes, attraction and feelings come and go, but who would advocate marrying someone you’ve never found attractive? I mean, what bride wants to walk down the aisle toward a guy who isn’t looking forward to the wedding night, and what guy wants to marry a woman he can’t admire in her wedding dress? Physical appearance changes over time, yes, and it’s certainly not the most important thing, not by a long shot. But God made us to be attracted to our spouses! It kind of helps, with marriage being ordered to procreation and all…

If she went and found someone who was attracted to her more than the OP, and they married, and she gained or lost weight, he’d likely still be attracted to her overall. I used to be a couple sizes skinnier when my husband and I met, but he is still very much attracted to me. Attraction is complex, but it has to be there on some level.

And, making healthy changes together is fine. However, the OP didn’t come here asking “How can I encourage my girlfriend to be healthy? She’s overweight, and I want to be with her forever”. Instead, he said “My girlfriend is overweight and unattractive, and I don’t desire her, so how can I tell her to lose weight for me?” Not the same thing. As I said before, if he’s not attracted to her, that’s how it is. Nothing wrong with that at all. It’s not shallow, and he shouldn’t feel bad for not being attracted to her. But what he should not be doing is keeping her around because she’s an otherwise great girl, making her believe he finds her attracted and is discerning marriage, when in fact he has no desire. That’s leading her on, and I don’t know any woman who aspires to marry someone who thinks she’s a great person but isn’t attracted to her.

 

[underacloud]

This is a tough situation.

I dated a couple of girls who were a bit overweight. I ended each relationship as I did not feel the physical attraction that I considered necessary for marriage (I’m OK if anyone wants to call me shallow on that basis). I remain good friends with one of those girls, who went on to mary a friend of mine and they have a lovely family now. The other girl, not so good friends, but she is also married with a family. Neither of them know that weight was an issue for me.

I met a wonderful girl who I was instantly attracted to and she is now my wife, and mother of four children. I have always found her very attractive, even through four pregancies and the associated weight gains. We both keep active to retain good health and yes weight.

So from my perspective, I think it’s understandable to care for someone but find that the physical attraction is simply not there. If you end it, you can both move on to great relationships with other people, and even remain good friends yourselves, depending on how you both feel over time.

If you remain with her, you’ll need to work through this issue and decide whether you can overcome the key problem - that being that the thought of sex is unappealing to you, because it is central to the very nature of marriage.

 

[thewanderer]

OP, I have a question, when you say the thought of sex is unappealing, do you just mean that when you look at a picture of her, and thinking only of the external looks of the picture, you are not aroused, or do you mean something more? If its just that, then I think its something you can work through, if there’s more too it it will probably be much harder and it may become necessary to break it off for the sake of your gf. Do you find the thought of being intimate distasteful and repugnant? Or is it merely that you have no particular desire for it? Is this lack of desire based purely on thoughts of your gf’s physical appearance or is it something that exists even when you think about her as a whole, about all aspects of who she is? I think if you can answer these questions it will help you to figure out whether your relationship can move forward or should come to an end. Sexual intimacy is very important for marriage, if you know that you are going to have big problems in this area it may be that you are not called to marry this woman.

 

[Kit15]

If my weight makes me less attractive to my husband, he’s never said anything about it. I have no reason to doubt it either as I am heavier since we got married and he’s still very affectionate.

He has mentioned it in the context of being healthy. It kinda ramped up after his father was diagnosed with diabetes. He did freak out a little for my sake.

He’s calmed down a bit since then especially after comprehending the difficulty behind it. We compared the amount of calories we both consumed in day and it was pretty obvious that his metabolism is much kinder to him then mine was to me (it was particularly humbling for him to find out his favorite microwavable lasagna dinner was 3 servings). Even after training for and finishing a half marathon I really didn’t lose much at all. Since then his focus has moved away from weight and more towards exercise.

The most supportive thing he’s done is 1.) Not tell me I’ve lost my mind when I suddenly decided I wanted to run the WDW marathon 2.) follow along with my training schedule and watch the kid without complaint and 3.) love me no matter what. I think he’d do just about anything for me if it means exercise.

But the right exercise is another matter completely. I run because I want to run all over Walt Disney World. I would have *never *started if it weren’t for that. Prior to that I really enjoyed step aerobics and kick boxing classes. But I can’t bring myself to exercise for it’s own sake.

Why don’t the two of you take up dancing or something?

 

[Beryllos]

I am now seeing a wonderful girl whom I care for deeply. She is great in every way except I find her quite physically unappealing. I feel badly about this and am trying to look past it. I could honestly see myself marrying her. I enjoy my time with her immensely but at present (should I decide to marry her) the thought of the marital act with her does very little for me. I am entirely ashamed I feel this way. She is so unbelievably good to me, loving me deeply despite my many flaws. How can I get past her looks? She is quite overweight. I feel like such a jerk. I do love her, just not how she looks. I really want her with me always but wish she could try harder to shed the weight. Of course, I cant be like, “I love you, but you’re fat. Exercise more please.” I don’t want to not have her in my life though. What do I do?
Bold Black: negative feelings about her… Bold Red: negative feelings about yourself

After reading all previous posts and re-reading your OP, I have to say you are not ready for marriage. I say this with sadness and reluctance. I am not sure what the issue is, but I don’t believe it is just her weight. I think you need to take some time off. Put your visions of marriage on hold for a bit. Perhaps keep the relationship (if it is possible), but take it off the marriage track. Work out your problems, grow a little wiser, and figure out what you want and need in a life-long relationship.

May the Holy Spirit assist and guide you always toward a life of peace and love.

 

[jmjconder]

The attraction or lack of has NOTHING to do with physical appearance…it has EVERYTHING to do with your souls and heaven.

Marriage…are you willing to sacrifice everything for HER salvation. If you believe this - not sure why you would be concerned about her weight? Would you feel differently bout her if she was “smaller.” If size is an issue…please do the charitable move and break this off.

Prayers for and your question.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

It’s hard to answer questions like this.

Some people of the opposite sex can be great friends but have no attraction to each other, and I mean zero attraction. I’ve had such people in my past, and so has my wife. There’s nothing wrong with that, and maybe these people aren’t meant to be married.

 

[Eleanor61]

It’s hard to answer questions like this.

Some people of the opposite sex can be great friends but have no attraction to each other, and I mean zero attraction. I’ve had such people in my past, and so has my wife. There’s nothing wrong with that, and maybe these people aren’t meant to be married.

I think it is easy to answer questions like this. It is extremely unfair for this young man to continue dating this girl. A woman deserves to be truly loved, not appreciated for all her great qualities, not married to a man who spends all his time either trying to get her to lose weight which may not be a realistic body type for her EVER, or looking at other, leaner, women. If he does not cut her loose this is a recipe for heartbreak and I don’t mean his.
Very few people succeed in losing weight and keeping it off, so suggestions to this end are not that helpful. I believe the success figure to be around 5%?

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

It’s difficult to tell if the OP just finds this person ugly, has an issue with just the weight and otherwise finds her pretty, or both. Having that information makes it easier to answer the question.

 

[McMcMe]

After reading all previous posts and re-reading your OP, I have to say you are not ready for marriage. I say this with sadness and reluctance. I am not sure what the issue is, but I don’t believe it is just her weight. I think you need to take some time off. Put your visions of marriage on hold for a bit. Perhaps keep the relationship (if it is possible), but take it off the marriage track. Work out your problems, grow a little wiser, and figure out what you want and need in a life-long relationship.

May the Holy Spirit assist and guide you always toward a life of peace and love.

This. You are not horrible for not feeling attracted to someone who you find so easy to love in other ways. However, it would be horrible to marry someone whom you aren’t attracted to and who actually repulses you.

In response to your original question though, there is no good way to say, “I love you, now change to please me.”

 

[MarksWife]

There are lots of women who become overweight after being married and having children. Many never lose that weight and most husbands love them anyway …while truthfully probably not being “attracted” to them that way anymore. Most men are very kind and would never tell their wives this and just suck it up and deal with the loss of that aspect of their relationship.

HOWEVER, this is after years and years of marriage with all the temptations and tests of loyalty we all must endure. Plus having the love that comes from a husband to the mother of his children. They have a foundation of love and commitment, that you do not have at this time.

It sounds bad, but I don’t think you can proceed with this relationship because of your lack of attraction to this girl. You will not be able to render the marriage debt and that is a sin and you will be tempted even more by other women who you are attracted to.