When your spouse is not your "first"

[maryceleste]

arthur l.:

We seem to be “hard wired”, if I can borrow a modern catch phrase, both men and women, to be deeply united/bonded, with your “first”. This is a good thing in the proper context/manner.
As I mentioned earlier, this helps couples, (if each other is the first), through the doldrums, or hard times in a marriage.

I’m not convinced that it’s that simple. What if someone felt no special bond to his “first,” but had strong memories of his “second,” or “third?” Or what if he had strong memories of someone with whom he’d never been physically intimate? I know of many examples of this sort of thing. And, when it comes to getting through the “hard times,” all couples – regardless of their past – can get the help they need through prayer, the sacraments, and commitment to their vocation.

LovedForever:

I highly recommend you take the time to read “Theology of the Body” and “Good News About Sex & Marriage” by Christopher West - and also visit the “Pure Love” Club website and read the great information and truth there.

I’ve read those works, and John Paul II’s “Love and Responsibility,” and Mary Shivanandan’s “Crossing the Threshold of Love.” Nothing I’ve read there has led me to believe that this “haunted by memories of the first time” idea is part of Catholic doctrine. It makes for a convincing shock tactic in a chastity talk, maybe, but if an attendee had reason to believe it to be untrue (e.g., if he knew of an counter-example, as I’ve mentioned above), it could undermine the credibility of the whole presentation. Like those old-time writers who warned that certain acts of impurity could cause hairy palms, or blindness.

Don’t get me wrong; I do believe that past unchastity can cause problems in marriage. I just think we can get this message across while sticking to the basic teachings of the Church. It’s not necessary to try to scare young people with speculative ideas about how some sort of “hard-wiring” to their “first” is likely to cause dissatisfaction with their marriage, many years down the road.

 

[johntkd]

The way I see it, we are called on to do many things and in many ways, the OP was called on to be married to his wife.even though she was not his first nor he her first,
Now we can choose to do many things with our callings, we can turn our heads and ignore them, or we can accept them and put forth 100%, By putting forth 100% you should not be worrying about someones past.

Now on the day we get married we are supposed to be forgiving our spouse of ANYTHING they had done prior, we are supposed to put anything that may bother us into the Church trash where Jesus can come down and empty it
the OP is no different he and his wife forgave each other of any prior relationships when they said thier vows, the prior relationships i am sure were not hidden, the problem is now he didnt leave it in the trash for Jesus to empty.
Now all the times anyone has asked Jesus to forgive them for something that may have hurt him, do we want him keeping that for us on judgement day or do we want to feel as if it was thrown into heavens Trash,I sure dont want the many things i have done to still be sitting there waiting for me, we are called to be as much like Jesus as possible, well ART this is your time to meet that call,throw your spouses past into the trash and let Jesus empty it,

we are the people we are today because of our pasts,good and bad,we cannot change our pasts, nor would I want to either.
A year ago I didnt believe in God,and said if there was a GOD I was the butt of heavens Jokes,a comedian for heaven so to speak, give me something then take it away when least expected.
I was on a destructive path, didnt care if i lived or died, went from my normal of 22 years weight of 205 pounds down to a whopping 158 pounds I am 6’4" so not healthy at all, I was at a rock bottom so to speak, and that is when God chose to show me he was there, did care, and that everything in my life up to that point was merely a stepping stone for what he had intended me for,
anyways if i could go back and change one thing in my past would i have hit rock bottom at that time? would i have been able to meet the requirements for what I absolutly know to be my God given calling? I dont believe so,I think it would have taken more time,
Art your calling is your current wife! are you going to accept that calling 100% or are you going to go at it half assed and let something so trivial stand in the way of Gods plans for you and your wife?

you have a choice here,
1)take the calling and put forth 100%
2)take the calling and worry about something that quite frankly at this point or any should not matter anymore and not reach the level God has waiting for you to get to.
3) turn your head from God and Blame it on something as silly as whom took her virginity…

Not a hard decision to make really when you stop and think about it,you were not robbed of her first time, God did not intend for you to be her first, sorry if that upsets anyone here,God probably figure you were more than man enough to get past this issue and thats why he put you two together.

Personally I know my calling now, I was married once before for 18 1/2 years, then after that I discovered what Love truely was, that was ripped from me for what I thought to be No reason at all,
then through a pure miracle I met my current fiance, she has never been married, has 4 children, I have 2 from previous marriage, and I cannot wait to Marry this woman, I am taking what God has given me and putting everything i have and dont have into it.I dont care that I am not the Biological Father to these children they are mine anyways,God is giving me a Family,and we are hoping to add to it someday after we are married as well.
and trust me when i say I could not be happier…

Now something else I want to add to this post.

Art you need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your wife, communication is everything,
its going to be hard for both of you with this issue but you do need to TALK it out, if you dont your mind will make this issue much worse than i believe it is, which will destroy your marriage and make someone very happy, Satan is hoping you stay out of communication with your wife, he is a powerful force esspecially in your mind,divide and conquer so to speak.
a great saying on this would be united you stand divided you fall,
think about all the bad in the world, then think about whom or what stops that bad, people unite and stand up against the few and win,why? because God is with those who band together to fight against evil, satan wants to play on your mind and get you alone thats where he can conquer, team up with your wife and give him a good swift kick in the hiney.

my wording is not great but i think the point gets across, remember this is for anything in life that troubles you, team up.
noone can stand alone against that force of evil…

Best of luck and God Bless you
John