When your wife never loved you

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Frantzen

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Hey everyone!

I figured I would write on here to see if anyone can give some advice. My wife and I got married 12 years ago, I went into it knowing what I was doing…as I understood at the time. I was 22, I love her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Apparently it was not mutual. We are both Catholic, I came into the Church a few months before we got married. She never loved me but married for convenience, she thought I would be a good father and she knew I would love her most. That being said she was freaked out about getting married to me and had to take an Ativan the morning of our wedding because she couldn’t sleep. She tells me she lied on the alter to me and to God and has spent 12 years living with that guilt.

She had doubts about our relationship from the get go and tried to break it off with me, but me being wounded as I am I would run after her and beg and cry for her to stay. Looking back I can see how I tapped into some of her core wounds that way and she caved. We were both wounded, and still are, but we are working on growing and being the people God has called us to be. I really feel God had put us together to be at this point of growth, and I am grateful for that. She has not been happy the last 12 years and our two children deserve to have parents that are happy. I want things to work between us, but for her to think that things might work is depressing to her. She wants out, she wants me to let her go and she is wearing me down. I want to do whats best for the kids, she is even speaking about separation but living together just not in the same room. We both want our kids to have their mom and dad.

She is willing to remain single the rest of her life if that’s what the church wants of her…not sure I am but I made that commitment to stay with her…but that was in a marriage not the married single life. She wants to be happy, I want to be happy, we want our kids to have parents, I would like to have more children but that’s not even something she would consider. I am trying to trust in God that if I work on myself things will work out in favor of our marriage…but could it be Gods will that we grow apart? I am confused…lost…I can’t change her but I can work on me. Thoughts?
 
I am sorry that you are going through this. Have you or your wife, or both of you as a couple been to counseling at all? If she will not go, you are correct that you can still, or only, work on you. That would be helpful. It would be something a parent would do for their children. You and she both need to try and work something out, even if it means separation for a bit, for the sake of your children.
 
Thank you for your response, it really helps me to talk with others about this.

We are both seeing counselors though she wants to find a new one. The last time she went she basically felt convinced to stay with me regardless of how happy she is, not what she wanted to hear. We are also seeing the priest that married us. The first visit we had with him he basically said to focus on working on ourselves and not to worry about what will happen between us. That’s easier said than done.

I think we need to separate in order for us to grow without the worry of the other , that’s what has prevented us from growing for this long. I worry too much about making her happy that I have abandoned myself completely…however little I knew of myself to begin with. Part of me wants to “let” get go so she can figure out what she wants, but that scares me too because I don’t want my children to have a “broken” family. It would be a good chance for me to be me too without the worry of pleasing her. She has told me she wants me to work on me, but that doesn’t guarantee she will like the me that is revealed.

I am learning a lot about myself, the wounded the child within. The protective measures I take that really don’t protect me at all. It has been amazing and really is helping me grow as a man, but it hurts like crazy. I often think maybe she is just telling me all this because she knows it’s the only way for me to grow. I don’t know.
 
All advice from strangers on the internet should be taken with a grain of salt, but this is my perspective, and I am sorry if it is blunt: do you really love her, or do you just have an unhealthy attachment to her? You say she tried to break things off once, but you wore her down and she married you. Did you think about her happiness back then? That maybe you weren’t the right person for her? Or were you thinking about yourself, and tried to force something that was ultimately not freely chosen by her?

Your statement about wanting more children with her - to me, that is a sign that, in your mind, you are creating a fantasy of a loving family that does not exist in reality. It is a sign that you are not thinking about her as a person, but as an object that fits into a life you want for yourself.

I am very sorry for what you are both going through, and especially for your children. This is not all your wife’s fault. You both appear to have used each other twelve years ago. You refer to yourself as wounded, and yes, that comes through very clearly in your writing. It doesn’t look like you entered into this marriage freely either.

I don’t mean to be harsh. I think your thoughts on going to counseling solo are very good, to address those wounds you refer to, that are likely preventing you from living in reality now, just like back then. You need to work on yourself regardless of whether things work out in your marriage.

I often wonder if life works out as planned for anyone. We think that our desires in life dictate our path to salvation, but if that is so, then salvation is out of reach for almost everyone I know. I don’t know if there is anything harder to achieve in the spiritual life than placing full trust in God. Not a trust contingent on Him giving us what we want, but a total trust regardless of what we have or have not.
 
I think you are correct, I didn’t think about her happiness back then, it was more about me and my abandonment issues. I think she does feel she was forced, I wouldn’t let her go and he guilt made her stay.

We both were and are still are wounded, it just took us twelve years to do something about it. She spent 12 years trying to love me without feeling love for me and it has been hard on her and it’s been hard on the kids. They have asked us “Mom, why don’t you love Dad”. That’s not what I want for our children. We both thought…well I can’t speak for her so much…I thought I was freely choosing to marry her but my woundedness probably paid a huge part.

Don’t be sorry about being harsh, I want the truth. Thats why I am Catholic 🙂 I want my eyes open to the situation for what it is, not what I want it to be. Thank you for your comments, something to pray and ponder on.

I do love her, I want whats best for her. If that means us splitting up, and it’s Gods will, so be it. It’s just hard for me to see that as Gods will for a marriage…but was it a marriage?
 
Frantzen said:
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She tells me she lied on the altar to me and to God and has spent 12 years living with that guilt. …
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So does that mean that she simulated her vows?

CIC Canon LawCan. 1101 §1 The internal consent of the mind is presumed to conform to the words or the signs used in the celebration of a marriage. §2 If, however, either or both of the parties should by a positive act of will exclude marriage itself or any essential element of marriage or any essential property, such party contracts invalidly.
 
Did I mention we had a prenuptial agreement too. That was something her mom required, didn’t want me to go after her home since it was in my wife’s name.

I am not sure if that means she simulated he vows, she says in her heart she knows our marriage would be annulled. She told me she lied…and it is kinda evident looking back at the last 12 years.
 
If there is something keeping you from giving honor to God, or placing God first in your life, get rid of it, even if it’s your marriage. So said Fr. Jose.
 
Frantzen said:
Did I mention we had a prenuptial agreement too. That was something her mom required, didn’t want me to go after her home since it was in my wife’s name.

I am not sure if that means she simulated he vows, she says in her heart she knows our marriage would be annulled. She told me she lied…and it is kinda evident looking back at the last 12 years.
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You wrote: “She never loved me but married for convenience, she thought I would be a good father and she knew I would love her most.”

If she pretended to love you (lied) because she thought that you would not agree to marry her if she told you the truth that she does not love you and that she wants a marriage of convenience, then that is fraud.Can. 1098 A person contracts invalidly who enters marriage inveigled by deceit, perpetrated in order to secure consent, concerning some quality of the other party, which of its very nature can seriously disrupt the partnership of conjugal life.
If that is not the case, and she now wants to part, did she ever intend her vows?

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my (husband/wife). I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. Can. 1099 Provided it does not determine the will, error concerning the unity or the indissolubility or the sacramental dignity of marriage does not vitiate matrimonial consent.
 
I remember her saying if I ever became a quadriplegic that she wouldn’t take care of me…what love? I have put up from year of verbal abuse from her because I love her (as I knew how) and was too afraid to lose her if I stood up for myself. I need to focus on being me for God and not for her, and she needs to do the same. Our marriage was built on lies, it’s about time we addressed those and moved forward in the light of truth. Who knows what will happen, maybe things will work out between us and the people God wants us to be will be called to marriage…probably should renew our vows if that is the case. If we are not ment to be I can look back on this as a time of pain but lots of growth. No pain no gain! Trust trust trust!! But…we have two kids that need us and we want to be there for them. Not sure how you tell a 7 and 9 year old why mommy and daddy sleep in different rooms. We will see what the next few years brings and apply for that annulment, it’s hard to fight for a marriage that may never have existed. Though the Church would see it as valid until proven otherwise.
 
Sorry for writing from my iPhone.

Do not blame yourself. Your wife laying this in your lap is an act of despicable cruelty to the father of her children.

There is no right to happiness. There is however a responsibility to care for children and it seems your wife is giving short shrift to them. Why do I have the feeling that in her mind any separation/annulment will end with lots of free time for her, perhaps to pursue other men?

Stay strong, don’t be guilted out. Also: it’s awfully convenient that this stated fraud pops up after 12 years of marriage and 2 children. It would not surprise me to learn that she is lying now (especially since she is now claiming to have lied 12 years ago) and this story is a cover for something else, ie she has met someone else and is trying to make you end the marriage, particularly since there is a prenup. Talk to a good matrimonial lawyer!
 
Saying your marriage was built on lies is inaccurate: you were honest. She has claimed to have lied previously. Whether she lied then, or now (in which case your marriage was NOT built on lies) is an open question. Have faith; pray; stay positive - and what I wrote about seeing a lawyer!
 
It’s hard to not take some of the blame. I blame her for getting married to me in the first place, mind you I fought for it tooth and nail. Funny you speak of her seeing other men, she did have an emotional affair on me a few months ago. A mutual friend of ours that she began to hang out on a weekly basis, spending all hours of the night talking with him. He had just went thru a break up with his fiance. He was not interested in my wife but she was falling for him. She ended up telling him they can’t see each other anymore because of her feelings for him, he felt terrible that he had a part in this and could not even face me after the fact. She also had another one a few months prior to him with a client at her work, they were both fulfilling some need of hers that I wasn’t. I don’t know what is truth coming out of her mouth anymore, sometimes I am not sure if she knows or if it is something she is just telling herself.
 
Anyone know if I can delete this thread or change my user name? Not sure this should be on the internet for all to read…might be a little late for that eh? 🙂 I mean maybe it will help someone else out there going thru something similar.

OK, apparently you can’t so I am going to delete all my posts from here and start over with a new name. Too easy to google this and find it on the internet…might be too personal.
 
Sorry, it’s unlikely you can delete the thread unless this is your proper name, and then you would need special permission from a moderator and I’m not sure if they would give it.

I wouldn’t worry about it.

It’ takes two to make a marriage a work…oops, I mean 3. The 3rd being God. ( I learned that from Fullton Sheen). A lot depends on your wife at this point.

If she was totally insincere at the time of your wedding, her vows may be invalid and that could nullify a marriage, but I’m not an expert. Someone who knows more than me can chime in. I would be like you, though. The whole deal sounds quite painful but you just be the best Christian you can be. Go to Eucharistic Adoration, and put your trust in God.
 
I assume you both care about each other, I assume you both love the children.
If I were you, I would do my best to act like a loving husband, and encourage your wife to act like a loving wife and mother.
Put the children first. To your wife I would say, stop being selfish. Why are they asking, “Why don’t you love dad?” That shouldn’t even enter their minds.
I’ve been married twice and I can tell you, there are no perfect spouses. There are only struggling sinners.
Counseling is a good idea. But if she wants to run off and find happiness elsewhere, she will probably not find it. Happiness lies in doing our duty in the place God has placed us.
Praying for you.
 
The level of hopelessness she has now sounds depressive. Try and get her to a doctor and have her evaluated for depression. Also, do an evaluation yourself.

It’s possible that her current beliefs about her state of mind around the time of your marriage are a product of depressive thinking. To me, that seems just as likely a theory as that she was (as she believes now) lying. If she is unhappy now, it may be literally impossible for her to imagine herself being happy with you in the past, just as it’s difficult for her to imagine being happy with you in the future. I don’t guarantee that that is the answer, but it is a strong possibility.
 
Xantippe said:
The level of hopelessness she has now sounds depressive. Try and get her to a doctor and have her evaluated for depression. Also, do an evaluation yourself.

It’s possible that her current beliefs about her state of mind around the time of your marriage are a product of depressive thinking. To me, that seems just as likely a theory as that she was (as she believes now) lying. If she is unhappy now, it may be literally impossible for her to imagine herself being happy with you in the past, just as it’s difficult for her to imagine being happy with you in the future. I don’t guarantee that that is the answer, but it is a strong possibility.
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On the other hand, she might be entirely sincere.

I was previously civilly married and did not love or even much like my now ex-husband. I married because I was casually dating him, became pregnant, and “did the right thing”. At the time of the ceremony, I did not intend the marriage to be for life and did not intend fidelity or to have another child…ever. Because of those facts, I am in the annulment process with every indication that the annulment will take place.

During the “marriage” I was in a dark and hopeless place. I couldn’t be happy because I was living a life I hated. I disliked physical intimacy with my ex, so my needs were not being met there and I avoided it as much as I could. I didn’t want to talk to him or share anything of my hopes, dreams, opinions, etc. with him. I had little to no interest in hearing what he had to say. At best I would half listen, nod, and smile politely. So, my emotional and intellectual needs weren’t being met, either. We had no shared spiritual life and I was starving for that connection both to another human and the divine. Yet I couldn’t have a spiritual life even individually because I was such a mess due to being so miserable in every other aspect of my life that I had a hard time connecting to the divine. The thing I wanted most during those years was to be free of my ex and be able to be at least content, if not happy. The idea that the marriage I was in could last for years while the baby was growing made me at times nearly suicidal.

I sought out physical and emotional connections with other people. Sometimes friends and family and sometimes other men. I am not proud of what I did. I should have either not married my ex or waited until our divorce was final before dating and sharing physical and emotional intimacy with other men. I was just so desperate for some glimpse of happiness…a break from the absolute misery…and closeness with someone that I made some bad choices.

When I reached the end of my rope and couldn’t take anymore I finally told my ex that I couldn’t continue on and that I wanted a separation and divorce. He guilted me into working on things for a year. It was one of the most difficult years of my life. I felt even more miserable. I felt as if I were drowning. As if everything that made me who I am was slowly dying and that if I stayed in that “marriage” I would ease to exist and become some kind of automaton performing tasks with no life in me, no heart and soul. No hope.

Yes, depression is a viable theory. But it is entirely possible she feels the exact same way I felt. Once the divorce was final and I was free everything changed. I am now remarried. We’re going on 12 years married Dec 9 and 15 years together Dec 19. Marriage is hard, sure, but even during the rough patches I do not even come close to how I felt during my first “marriage”.
 
Wow, thank you for MJJean. Your story really comes close to what my wife has expressed. I think we may have both gone into our marriage because we felt it was what we “should” do, obligation really…and love on my part at least. Mind you self love for the most part and not wanting to be rejected. I think her and I have been more like best friends over the years, not like husband and wife. She is very open to me, me not so much with her…that’s my own issues though. I know she has suffered with depression, and so have I. She had terrible postpartum after our first child that was never addressed…had a lot to do with bringing a child into our dysfunction.

I love her and I want to help her, I want her to be happy. If that means we split up, so be it. That’s what I should have done when we were dating. She feels the same way with me, that I will never be happy with her and we both deserve happiness. It has been hard for me to let her go, but I may be getting to that point. Once I get past my own wants for a family that stays together and my fear of being alone, I can want whats best for her…but what does that look like? I want to raise our kids together, under the same roof for now…who knows what will happen.
 
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