When your wife never loved you

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With all due respect, Frantzen, I take umbrage at your remark of “we both deserve happiness”. Because I’ve heard that so much as a justification for divorce. Essentially, Catholics do not believe in divorce.

If something makes your marriage null, that is a different matter. But “deserving happiness” isn’t grounds for “divorcing”. That how I see it, anyways. Perhaps I took what you said the wrong way.
 
I hear you…I committed to her regardless. What I meant from that is her feeling stuck in a marriage that she doesn’t believe existed is hard. She can’t do it any longer, and I won’t be happy living in a marriage that is more like a roommate situation. That is not the driving force behind this on my part, I just don’t want to hold onto something that isn’t there…a marriage…and have her struggle any longer. Is that fair to her? I mean she said he vows too…even though she says she lied. Maybe she needs to sleep in the bed she made…that’s was my first thought when this all came to light. Now that my emotions are less involved, perhaps that’s not the best option for either of us.
 
I’ll pray for you and your wife this advent.

I do recommend that you find a good priest to talk to about your marriage. They can sometimes provide valuable perspective for both.
 
I did read the whole thread and don’t mean to minimize any of this.
Frantzen said:
I think her and I have been more like best friends over the years, not like husband and wife. She is very open to me, me not so much with her.
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That’s not bad at all. $0.02 If you could cultivate that, you’re doing better than a lot of marriages. I obviously don’t have to point out that almost no marriage continues on with the level of infatuation or puppy love you have when you start dating.

When she is open with you, how do you react? Is this why she had an “emotional affair?”
(Don’t answer for us, just for yourself).

Prayers for you as well, and keep in mind what God’s plan for marriage is!
 
Frantzen said:
I hear you…I committed to her regardless. What I meant from that is her feeling stuck in a marriage that she doesn’t believe existed is hard. She can’t do it any longer, and I won’t be happy living in a marriage that is more like a roommate situation. That is not the driving force behind this on my part, I just don’t want to hold onto something that isn’t there…a marriage…and have her struggle any longer. Is that fair to her? I mean she said he vows too…even though she says she lied. Maybe she needs to sleep in the bed she made…that’s was my first thought when this all came to light. Now that my emotions are less involved, perhaps that’s not the best option for either of us.
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You don’t have to go right to divorce. You could try a separation while working with a therapist. Sometimes couples live apart for a time and realize they miss and love each other.
 
Yeah your right, and I don’t think we can go right for divorce without filing for separation for a year. I think the separation might be whats needed, just need to figure out how we approach this with the children and living situations. I would rather live together as a family, even if mom and dad are divorced. Might be easier said than done though.
 
As you decide on some course of action, you need to remember this is not about you and your wife has to realize this is not just about her. There are your children to consider … I pray for them.
 
Yes, the children are of huge concern and I don’t want to do anything that would remove their mom from the situation…same goes for her and I. We want to be here for our kids, but what does that look like I don’t know yet. Like I said before, when your son says “Mom, why don’t you love dad?” there is something wrong. Now do you continue with that, which is unhealthy, or do you take another approach that removes marital obligations from the picture and lets you be parents in the same house that care for their children but not married and not romantically involved. I am not sure what is healthier for the children at this point.
 
Frantzen said:
Yes, the children are of huge concern and I don’t want to do anything that would remove their mom from the situation…same goes for her and I. We want to be here for our kids, but what does that look like I don’t know yet. Like I said before, when your son says “Mom, why don’t you love dad?” there is something wrong. Now do you continue with that, which is unhealthy, or do you take another approach that removes marital obligations from the picture and lets you be parents in the same house that care for their children but not married and not romantically involved. I am not sure what is healthier for the children at this point.
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Living as roommates and divorcing are not the only two options available. Is she at all open to the option of working on your marriage together with the goal of having a happy, healthy marriage? Regardless of what she was thinking at the time of the wedding and whether she remembers it correctly, that is all in the past. You are her husband now, whom she promised to love, honor, and be faithful to, in good times and in bad.

And you say that you are best friends–that is a great foundation to begin with. I think the best thing to do would be to take the divorce option off the table and work on your marriage, both for the sake of you and your wife, and even more for the sake of your children.
 
Yes I agree with you, those aren’t the only two options in my mind…but for her I think it is. If I take what she says as truth, she never loved me and has spent the last 12 years trying. Fake it till you make it apparently didn’t work. She is depressed when thinking of a future together with me, but apart gives her some hope. Now we will both continue to work on ourselves, work on being vulnerable with one another and open to whatever happens but she does not see us working out and I can’t convince her otherwise thus far. I have hope if we keep working on ourselves that our relationship will be if it from that, but I can’t do it for her and she can’t for me. We need to do it for ourselves. I think a huge problem here is we don’t know how to love, only in our wounded ways. We don’t love ourselves, how can we love each other? Working on that will only help the situation regardless of the outcome.
 
Frantzen, I really think you are being way, way too hard on yourself, particularly when you write that, for example, “we don’t know how to love…” I see no reason you can’t love. Do you provide financial, moral, & emotional support for your family? I have no reason to think you don’t, and/or that you don’t know how to love. I think she may have issues there: She had an emotional affair, and she has now been unloving and self-centered enough to dump upon her husband of over a decade, “I NEVER loved you, and I want (and demand) my own happiness.”
 
Yes, I guess you are right. I know how to love, just imperfectly through my woundedness. But what would be the loving thing to do in this situation? Make her stay in a marriage she really has no desire to be in? Separate from her and let her find her inner happiness with God? I was hoping she could stay with me and find her inner happiness but that just doesn’t seem to be an option for her. I want this to be done in love, God working thru me, not from my selfishness. That’s something that was lacking in the beginning of our relationship, God. I was a nonbeliever, she introduced me to the church.
 
The issue isn’t to do the loving thing, so much as to do the morally correct thing.

First, what I notice is that in the same breath that you tell me I’m correct for saying you are being too hard on yourself, you then talk about how you’re the problem, i.e., as a result of your own “woundedness.” My friend, I can only say this so many times: You are not the problem here, and if your wife has gotten you to believe that, she is even more the problem that you let on. She has acted cruelly; she has acted selfishly; she had an emotional affair – and you’re blaming yourself. Stop.

IMHO the morally correct thing to do is to fight for your marriage for the sake of all involved; and to get her to see that she is causing a lot of pain and misery – all in the name of her own happiness. Try counseling. Try retrouvialle. But stop saying how bad/wounded/whatever you are. And please consider the very real possibility that she may be having (or has had) a physical affair and is trying to get you to end the marriage – which also means you should talk to a lawyer.
 
PolarGuy said:
The issue isn’t to do the loving thing, so much as to do the morally correct thing.

First, what I notice is that in the same breath that you tell me I’m correct for saying you are being too hard on yourself, you then talk about how you’re the problem, i.e., as a result of your own “woundedness.” My friend, I can only say this so many times: You are not the problem here, and if your wife has gotten you to believe that, she is even more the problem that you let on. She has acted cruelly; she has acted selfishly; she had an emotional affair – and you’re blaming yourself. Stop.

IMHO the morally correct thing to do is to fight for your marriage for the sake of all involved; and to get her to see that she is causing a lot of pain and misery – all in the name of her own happiness. Try counseling. Try retrouvialle. But stop saying how bad/wounded/whatever you are. And please consider the very real possibility that she may be having (or has had) a physical affair and is trying to get you to end the marriage – which also means you should talk to a lawyer.
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I agree with all of this, especially to stop beating yourself up.
 
Frantzen said:
Yeah your right, and I don’t think we can go right for divorce without filing for separation for a year. I think the separation might be whats needed, just need to figure out how we approach this with the children and living situations. I would rather live together as a family, even if mom and dad are divorced. Might be easier said than done though.
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Living together until the kids are grown is not very realistic unless neither of you plan on dating and/or remarrying. If you were to divorce and either of you decided in the future to seek out new partners I imagine doing so while living in the same house would be confusing and possibly damaging to everyone. You, her, the kids, and the new partner(s)…
Frantzen said:
Yes, I guess you are right. I know how to love, just imperfectly through my woundedness. But what would be the loving thing to do in this situation? Make her stay in a marriage she really has no desire to be in? Separate from her and let her find her inner happiness with God? I was hoping she could stay with me and find her inner happiness but that just doesn’t seem to be an option for her. I want this to be done in love, God working thru me, not from my selfishness. That’s something that was lacking in the beginning of our relationship, God. I was a nonbeliever, she introduced me to the church.
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First, we’re all imperfect and wounded. I don’t think anyone escapes childhood unscathed. I truly believe that wounded and imperfect people are completely capable of loving and billions of us do it every day in word, thought, and deed.

If I were in your shoes I think I’d explain to my spouse that I want to work on the marriage for everyones sake. If that is not possible because my spouse is unwilling I would kindly explain that since my spouse is the one who has decided the marriage is over, my spouse should be the one to take any action deemed appropriate up to and including moving out (sans kids) and filing any legal paperwork because I will not do so. However, I will do all in my power to protect my legal rights to my children. Perhaps a bit of tough love might make her change her thinking. It’s one thing to want something in theory and another to have to face the reality of it.
 
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